SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

As I sit here tonight thinking over everything that has been on my mind the past few days, I recognize that I am starting to get that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach again. The same feeling I experienced when I first started seeing signs that my now ex-husband was cheating on me. I remember this feeling, and I did not ever want to feel it again. I don't know that I can go through another experience like that again.

As I posted earlier this week, and read through everyone's comments, I am starting to think that maybe I have known something was "off" for a long time, but have just chosen to not face it. I have been reflecting and thinking, and my gut has been telling me something seems off. At times it is louder than others, but it has been there. Even tonight. We are engaged, yet I have barely spoken to him today. I haven't seen him since the weekend. We used to live together, but I moved into my own place about 3 months ago (my house sold), and now we see each other just a few times a week. After living together for 2 years, to now this, it just feels strange. I have worried that I am paranoid, or that I am overthinking, but I just don't know anymore. And I should probably be having this conversation with him I know- but I have read multiple posts that advise not to say too much at first or it will just cause the person to go underground. Do I wait, and just keep my eyes open, and see what happens? or should I try to talk to him? I'm just not sure at this point. More than anything I just hope to find the truth, even though the thought of facing that kind of pain again scares me to death. I love my fiance, just as I loved my ex-husband.

Thank you all for listening. I hate that I find myself having to think about this again, but I am so grateful that these forums are here.

So sorry you're feeling this way. I had times when I didn't even know if I could trust my gut.

Would you be able to hire a PI to follow him for a little while? Or do you have a friend that wouldn't mind tailing him for a little bit, especially when you're feeling something is off?

Have you read anything on the sunk cost fallacy? Maybe this person just isn't the one but you feel that you've invested so much time that you should feel (insert whatever you think here) for him - but you don't. There's nothing wrong either way.

I have not looked into the cost of a PI, but I do wish I had the resources to do that. I haven't heard of the sunk cost fallacy but I will read about it now. Thank you for mentioning it.

Dating and engagements can coarsely be compared to trying out a new car.
You see this bright red Mustang that grabs your attention. Low milage, leather interior, souped-up engine… and you go for a test-drive. Sometimes you just enjoy the ride, but realize that you won’t be making an offer because the gas milage is crap, the leather is frayed or there is a knocking sound in the engine… Or you simply realize you prefer Corvettes to Mustangs. That’s dating.

Or maybe it’s the dream car but you still have some concerns… The owner agrees to lend you the vehicle for a week to test it out. You might accept the frayed leather, might be able to improve the milage by careful driving and you might even realize why the knock is there and even fix it. That’s engagement.
But… if everything you see, read and hear tells you that the knocking is the first symptom of a total engine failure… you would be wise to return the car and search elsewhere. That’s progressing the engagement to marriage.

Now – MAYBE the owner can convince you the engine issue is a lose bolt and maybe even fix it before you fork out the cash. MAYBE you have a plan in place to fix the issue… But MAYBE the safest option is to walk away and look at other options.

I suggest a very open heart-to-heart with your partner.
Point out your past experience and how traumatized you are from infidelity.
Point out the length of your relationship, and that it has run it’s course as "engaged".
It can only go two ways now: Grow together or go apart.
Ask for his honesty. Make it clear that the truths can’t really hurt you because at worst you two would separate, but at best it can be a path forwards.
Then you two decide on a path. Be it the Corvette or fixing the knock in the Mustang engine…

"I suggest a very open heart-to-heart with your partner.
Point out your past experience and how traumatized you are from infidelity."

Because he lied to you in the past and only told you the truth when he knew you had proof I don't think this is your best move.

Your past experience with infidelity has nothing to do with his suspicious behavior. There are definitely red flags. They are not red flags because you were cheated on in your last relationship. They would be red flags for anyone.

He has also shown in the past that he will use your past experience with infidelity to explain away your suspicions and blame you for feeling like things are off.

Having open and honest discussions only works when BOTH parties are truthful. You will get nowhere when dealing with a liar which he has shown himself to be. Liars will make excuses and push the blame on you and make you second guess yourself.

You will not get the truth by asking him if there is something going on. I asked my husband numerous times about things feeling off to me and of course he said nothing was wrong or it was work or I was being overly sensitive. Nope. He was cheating. Of course he wasn't going to say, "good instincts, yup, I'm being dishonest everyday and cheating on you."

Trust your gut. You can do this.

That's just it, I don't know if I can. I tell myself if I knew for sure what was going on that I could accept it better and move forward. Is that the truth? I am not sure. I know in my past relationship I experienced "trickle truths" for years before I ever found out everything. That is what I don't want to do this time. You would think I would be stronger by now and more aware, this is so difficult.

It is very difficult!! I accepted my husbands explanations even though something felt off to me. I had no proof until there was something obvious on the cell phone bill. He still tried to deny and then trickle truthed me.

Is there something you can do to either catch him or put your fears to rest?

If he led that other women on and let her believe they were exclusive and lied to her about dating you, I do think that is a huge deal. I don't know the details but from what you posted it sounds like he was cheating on her and also lied to you about it. I would be very careful committing myself to someone like that.

I'm so sorry you are going through this again.

It's a shit situation for sure. I know that I don't fully trust myself to make sound decisions about "red flags" - and I still on occasion find myself questioning things people I inherently trust. Something I would have never done before.

Me being me - the new post-infidelity me - would have to "know" if I felt that pang in the pit of my stomach again. Moreover, I would likely be unable to wait for long to figure it out.

So, having read some, but not all of your recent posts? What are you concerned may be happening and why - what has happened recently - that makes you think those thoughts?

I know you have a history with this person of lack of truthfulness on their part (agreed that is a red flag) - but what has happened recently which makes you suspicious that something is happening again or is it just a feeling? You say you no longer live together - why? A question I do have is that I understand the house sold but why separate at this time as opposed to moving together somewhere else?

I have tons of ideas to finding out what someone is up to when they don't want you to - I feel like I could have been a detective at this point - but before jumping to that, I'm just trying to understand what specifically has happened that you think is rendering these red-flag feelings? If you have already written them somewhere else, pointing me to that thread is fine too.

Actions speak louder than words.

He’s not spending as much time with you 🚩

He’s distant and minimal communication at times 🚩

Those two right there are concerning.

Marriage most likely won’t change that either.

Having a conversation will get you what? More lies? More empty promises?

I’d move on.

Thisissolonely....this is where I find myself. Feeling this sickness in the pit of my stomach again needing to know what is going on. My story is long and complicated, I will attempt to summarize it here. I am happy to elaborate further if any of you think it may be helpful

The backstory on us is that I met him after my divorce was finalized from my ex-husband. We have been dating for several years, and the last 3 we have lived together. What I mentioned in previous posts is that early on in our relationship when we had been dating a few months, I caught him in a few lies and learned he was seeing other people. The biggest incident was when i was notified by another woman that he had been dating her and she had learned he was also seeing me. I had no clue about her and she learned about me by finding text messages between the two of us. She called to warn me. He excused it by saying that we were not exclusive at that time, and he had done nothing wrong. Initially, he denied it.

I chose to stay with him and continue the relationship, but obviously, it still bothers me.

We have broken up a couple of times for reasons unrelated to fidelity. The last time after we got back together, I decided to look at his phone. I have just always questioned whether or not he was faithful. What I found was that he had been messaging the same girl while we had been broken up. It looked like it started when we split, and ended when he moved back in with me. The part that hurt me the most, however, was that he was still talking to her during the two weeks he and I were working on reconciliation. I shared with him what I found, and his response was that he did nothing wrong because he stopped talking to her as soon as we were officially back together. I was left feeling confused, because that did seem to be what happened. The context of their messaging was very sexual, exchange of photos etc. She asked about me; he told her we were broken up.

A few weeks ago we were eating at a restaurant, and he got a facebook message. I looked over his shoulder, and it was from an ex-girlfriend of his. He hesitated to open it, but I told him to open and let me see it. It was her birthday, and he had sent her a private message telling her happy birthday. The odd thing about it is that he had deleted it; if she hadn't messaged back I never would have known it happened. Since then I have looked at his phone periodically, and it seems he is constantly deleting messages. My fear is that if he is cheating, he is good at it.

About a year ago we found an old house that we love and want to remodel. At first, I was very excited about it, but as time passed I began to be concerned about whether it was a financially wise decision. He pushed back, insisting we should buy it. He did not have a home but lived with me. He moved forward with buying the property and kept pushing for me to sell my house, even putting a for sale by owner sign in the yard without me agreeing to it. Even though I didn't feel comfortable, I let him persuade me and went along with it. I don't blame him for this- it is my fault. I should have held to my boundary. My house sold quickly, and I was so upset. The plan was/is for me to take the money I made off the sale of my home and for the two of us to use it to remodel the old home he purchased. My kids and I moved into it with him initially, but only three rooms were truly livable and I just couldn't handle it. It was miserable. I went on my own and found a place to rent, and my kids and I moved out. We did not break up, but the relationship was initially strained, although now he seems fine as far as no longer angry. Since moving, however, he has slowly become less involved in our lives, I hear from him less, and he has a lot less interest in intimacy. We are only 10 minutes apart. He has never been this way and has always had a high sex drive. I find it hard to believe he has suddenly changed. Something feels off.

I have not shared the money from the sale of my home, and no work has begun on the house. He periodically mentions it and says we need to get started building it, but what if I do and then I find out he is cheating? I will be stuck. I love him, despite it all and that is why I am still with him. But I also don't want to be an idiot.

If anyone has read this far, thank you. I know that is a lot. Even writing I feel ridiculous. I am just so scared to move forward in light of this feeling, and not sure what to do about it.

[This message edited by Feelinglostagain at 11:53 PM, Sunday, September 10th]

Gently, your first step should be, IMO, talking with a good family lawyer to protect yourself. Next, a good financial planner.

You say he lived in your house and pressured you to sell, even though you're not M and you didn't want to sell. You say you've always feared he was cheating on you. This looks to me like a relationship in which you keep selling yourself out. Frankly, I just don't see someone who pressures you to violate your own boundaries can be a good partner, but I know only what you've written about your relationship.

What else is there? What makes you want to stick with this guy? What qualifies as 'move forward'?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:10 PM, Monday, September 11th]

I know, even as I write our story it amazes me at all the issues and red flags. I will stress that of course everything isn't bad, and I really do love him. When we split up the times before, neither of us coped well and we missed each other horribly. I guess I feel like if I knew he was being unfaithful in the present, maybe I could let go and move on. I view our relationship as being too good to leave but at times too bad to stay.

Moving forward would mean I would follow through with using the money from the sale of my home to remodel the farmhouse, and marrying him. It is scary to let go and trust him, especially when it does feel like I have reasons not to.

Im sorry you find yourself in this awful situation.

I understand all too well the phrase " once bitten twice shy ".

I have no advice to give.

I just want to offer you a hug.

Don't spend any of your money on the house before he puts your name on the deed. Consult an attorney about this.

The problems are that you're wanting to get married when you know you can't trust him and that you miss him when you're apart even though he abuses you.

What do you need to change? You deserve to treat yourself a lot better than you're doing now.

Moving forward would mean I would follow through with using the money from the sale of my home to remodel the farmhouse, and marrying him. It is scary to let go and trust him, especially when it does feel like I have reasons not to.

Sure, that's one way of moving forward.

Another way is to stay engaged but put together a serious prenup.

Another way is by breaking up and buying your own house to remodel.

Another way is by buying land, buying a herd of goats and mini horses and ducks, setting up a yurt, and turning into a glorious forest witch like nature intended... well that's mine anyways

There's a TON of paths "forward". And frankly you're in a great position here precisely because you aren't married to him. You have no community property ties and no obligations either way with him right now. That's not a bad spot to be in with someone who is acting this shady.

As for "letting go and trusting him"... why on earth would you do that right now? What has he done that has helped you to feel he is trustworthy? Because it isn't on YOU to trust him, it's on HIM to prove he's worthy of your trust. Which from the little bit I have read here, he is assuredly not worthy of being trusted.

You know that messaging other women then deleting messages is absolutely not okay.

You know that a supportive and trustworthy partner would not be pushing you to make far-reaching financial decisions if you aren't ready to. (and him putting a for sale sign up at YOUR house without your permission?? NOOOOO. That is out of bounds.) On this - I would tell him you aren't putting one red cent into the remodel house until your name is on the deed and you have a contract in place for how to legally split it should you split up. I learned the lesson the HARD way about combining finances and such and will never EVER do it again.

You know that it's complete BS (and this BS doesn't stand for betrayed spouse) when he was trying to patch things up with you for him to be sexting another woman.

You know what you know and you know that all of the above is a huge field of red flags in high wind. Oh and they're on fire.

Just saying, my BS wooga-wooga alarms are going off bigtime here.

Please take care of YOU - make the choices that best serve YOU here. Put aside his wants and needs and look at YOURS. It's okay and healthy for you to out yourself first right now.

A few weeks ago we were eating at a restaurant, and he got a facebook message. I looked over his shoulder, and it was from an ex-girlfriend of his. He hesitated to open it, but I told him to open and let me see it. It was her birthday, and he had sent her a private message telling her happy birthday. The odd thing about it is that he had deleted it; if she hadn't messaged back I never would have known it happened. Since then I have looked at his phone periodically, and it seems he is constantly deleting messages.

My fear is that if he is cheating, he is good at it.

I'm trying to reconcile these two statements, because...well...they are at odds with each other. I wouldn't ever say that he is good at cheating if you are catching him deleting his messages. Now, I will add that it may not mean he is cheating if he is deleting messages, but if he is really just saying Happy Birthday, there is nothing to hide. I don't have any ex-girlfriends that I'm still in contact with, but I do have female friends and colleagues that I text on occasion, including their birthday, and I don't have anything to hide...plus I send those messages with my wife knowing full well that I'm doing it.

I will add that as a reformed cheater that there was a point in time, with my EA, that I would delete messages from my EA AP because I didn't want to risk my wife seeing anything and not unlike your current partner, I did a pretty half-assed job as covering my tracks, because it didn't take my wife very long of snooping to find everything.

You're going to be very sorry if you give him any of your money. You will be stealing from your children to give to this man-child. If you absolutely MUST tie yourself to him financially, get a good attorney and make sure you are protected seven ways to Sunday.

But honestly, listen to your instincts. You already know that this isn't right and this man does not have your best interests at heart.