If I read this I would think this guy was just irredeemable. Strangely, on things other than this timeline he has been much better. Prior to 2 weeks ago he was making time to talk and offer support, losing the defensiveness, being caring and supportive. He just seems to keep slipping back.
The thing I love about this site is that no one is irredeemable. No one gets shamed. Ultimately when someone has an affair, it's about as bad as it gets already. Of course you have the people who say "oh my WS did X,Y,Z and was the model of great behavior" and reading that always made me sad when my own WS was shambomlic.
The truth was he is and was a very flawed man who loves me more than he has ever loved anything, and he screwed up because he doesn't love himself and has all sorts of broken bits.
I have posted stuff on here where I am typing it, I know it makes him sound irredeemable. But I leave out that he also did a lot of good stuff. And You have to trust yourself.
EllieKMAS really nails is below with her post because it says what you most need to know
During the R attempt, he said he wanted our marriage, he said I meant something to him, he said a lot of things. The problem is that while he was saying the things, he wasn't doing the things that proved what he was saying was true. Everyone says it, but this is why you watch actions and don't listen to the words they are saying.
This is ultimately it. Because I can tell you now that my WS is crying for me, in pieces. Throughout our process of R I don't think he ever really said anything mean to me. Gaslighty and blame reversing yes, but criticising me? Never. He always, through every minute of it, thought I was the best person on the planet. There was never a single day he didn't tell me I was beautiful or try and take care of me, or try and touch me or - in his own inept way - love me. There have been many things through this false R that he has done that I know for a fact he would not do for anyone else.
But his actions also showed he didn't "get it", and deep down I knew we wouldn't heal just from me being loved. I needed to be repaired - we both did.
I remember about 7 months in I was just struggling hard. Looking back with clear hindsight, I absolutely know it was because my logical brain knew he was full of shit but my emotional brain just did not want to admit that yet. I was talking to a friend of mine and she just grabbed my arm and told me to shut up and then said the following that was a game changer for me, and it went like this: IF THEY WANTED TO, THEY WOULD.
This is honestly the truth. If they wanted to - THEY WOULD. They want to be married to you -yes. They love you - yes. They want all this damned nightmare to disappear - HELL YES! But what they don't really want to do is look what they did square in the jaw and face it with the integrity, empathy and strength they need to muster up.
If fixing what they broke is a priority, they will fix what they broke. If their BS's wishes matter to them, they do their best to meet them. Mine wasn't. And he didn't want to.
You sound like you have all your ducks lined up and good for you - because there will come a time where you start to feel resentment. All the good stuff he does suddenly won't make up for what you really NEED and truly DESERVE and that will be the minute you feel you want to leave. Because loving someone is one thing, but if you start to resent them then you stop wanting to make them happy. This is where love dies.
I get wanting all of the truth. Totally get that. But at some point I think it becomes more important to look at the truth you already have and make YOUR decision based on that. I think there are BS's who get so laser-focused on "getting the truth" and digging in waiting for that instead of looking at the bigger picture of continued wayward behavior on the part of the ws (which TT and deflection and minimizing all fall into that bucket IMHO). I am not at all criticizing that either - I think being a BS is really hard and sometimes grasping onto something like "needing the truth" feels like a lifeboat in a raging sea. But the point isn't whether the ws is being truthful, it's that they are hesitating at all to disclose what the BS says they need when they also say that their BS matters to them. Those two things don't jive with one another.
I agree with this completely, but what I felt from your post is that the timeline doesn't matter as much as the fact that he's not demonstrating effort and empathy. My spouse has been sending me letters for days now saying he finally wants to do "the work" now I have left him because he WASN'T doing the work. You will find, and feel in your own time what is best for you - and ultimately if someone you love has deeply harmed you and you are patient and hopeful and they end up not moving mountains to take that hurt away - they WILL LOSE YOU.
I am not going to give you advice, beyond, be clear with what you want, need and deserve. Then make your choices as you watch him make his. Sometimes they people need a helluva shock to the system to realise they need to change.