SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hellsnothalffull - I understand and I didn’t feel u were attacking me. I just meant that I’m asking him to do something that I’m not willing to do myself so if that makes me a hypocrite. But the only reasons I don’t want him to have access of my stuff is bc I have tons of pics and notes where I go through his emails and so forth. So yes, I shouldn’t, but he left me no choice by lying nonstop and NEVER telling the truth about anything.
And he’s not about to agree to the key logger. He still blames me, partially, for his cheating. He says I pushed him in that direction. He says bc I didn’t want sex all the time and didn’t show enough attention, etc. But he will NOT admit that it’s his fault regardless. He’s always been a porn addict and very emotionally and verbally abusive. I mean…. I was always on edge bc he was always mad and ANYTHING would set him off. I had to act like I was a single mom of 4 just to stop myself for feelings sorry for myself bc I couldn’t ask for help with homework…if kids were sick or anything. But then he still wanted sex all the time and expected it. He would cuss me like a f@&$ing dog if I said no or I didn’t want to, etc. But who the hell wants to when u have to live like that day in and day out??? So until he actually understands and sees that NO, I didn’t NOT push u toward cheating….u are using all that as an excuse bc u plan and simple wanted to. He just doesn’t see how all this is his fault. He has even made me ashamed bc I do blame him for everything 🤦‍♀️ but it’s true! Our whole marriage could have been totally different IF he had not treated me so awful and wasn’t addicted to porn. And he also treated our children like he treated me. So I just feel….defeated and like it couldn’t ever work bc he doesn’t even, truly, realize his fault in all of this. He can say he does, but if we start arguing then he shows what he really thinks.
I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to spew all that on u…lol. I just get so freaking frustrated!
But to reply to ur comment….he would never go for that. He thinks as long as he doesn’t search for porn then what he says or does isn’t my business. He has said I have no right to know everything he does.
Saying all that, I do feel he’s trying to change. But it’s kind of like….29 years too late. Why didn’t he decide this years ago bc being lied to for 29 years and him doing all this for 29 years….it’s just too hard for me to think he’s going to stay changed or is actually changed.
🤦‍♀️ Life is so hard sometimes

It's ok to expect things from your ws that you won't do yourself, in the months following dday. Once a ws has proven they are working hard to become a safe partner, and have been for some time, then ok,a BS can be transparent, and give full access.

There is no way a bs should feel they have to be transparent with an unremorseful, still lying, ws who isn't doing a bit of work on themselves.

Add in that your ws has been abusive to you, and the kids, for most of your marriage? Yeah. No transparency.

Ws have consequences. Personally, IDGAF if they're "fair."

You don’t need a spy cam; you already definitively know that your husband is a liar and a cruel, abusive POS.

There… I just saved you a few hundred dollars.

very emotionally and verbally abusive.

I would leave based on this alone. Forget the cams just file for D. Life is so much calmer and peaceful on the other side of this.

I've been thinking about this for a few days.

You didn't leave when he was abusive to you and your kids.

You didn't leave when you discovered he was a serial cheater.

You didn't leave when he showed zero remorse.

So,if you catch him doing something this time,with the camera, you will leave?

Really?

My fear is, you will catch him this time, you will confront,but you won't leave. Only this time, he knows you set up a camera to watch him. And he will retaliate by setting up cameras to watch you.

You know he's a liar,and a cheater. He's done nothing to change that. You don't need a camera. You already have hundreds of reasons to divorce him.

Also..you may catch him doing something horrible. You may watch him have sex with another woman. Or mutually getting off with a cam girl. Or talking dirty to porn. Things you can't unsee. Things that will cause you an enormous amount of pain.

Hellfire - I get it. I do. And I wouldn’t ever tell him that I caught him (until I was 100% sure I was divorcing) on camera. I would just know and I would know he’s still lying. That really is my goal as far as the camera. And I’ve already found pics and video so…..
But as far as abusive….he’s a totally diff person. Has been for about a year before I found out about the affairs. If I catch him still looking at porn (camera) and telling me he hasn’t then I’ll know I can’t ever trust, no matter what. Then I’ll prob end up divorcing him. There is a LOT of stuff that would have to get settled (business wise) that I don’t even want to think about. Sigh. But if I caught him in camera and if I ask him (when I get back) if he messed up any and he says no….then I’ll know.
He has told me when he messed up once before. We had a bad fight and I told him it was over and all that….he looked at naked pics then. But he told me. I don’t expect a porn addiction to go down to zero without some slip ups, buts it the lying that is the main prob. Hence the whole reason for the camera.

He still blames me, partially, for his cheating.

Emotional abuse.

he will NOT admit that it’s his fault

He has even made me ashamed bc I do blame him for everything

Emotional abuse

He thinks as long as he doesn’t search for porn then what he says or does isn’t my business. He has said I have no right to know everything he does.

He has no remorse. He's not at all transparent. What he says and does is none of your business? You're his wife! He's also telling you he will say and do whatever he wants,and he will never tell you. He's telling you he is unsafe.

Maybe(?) he's no longer cussing you out, but he is still extremely cruel. He's just plain mean.

You say he's trying to change. You then say he tells you one thing,until you dare to be sad or angry about a lifetime of betrayal and abuse..then he tells you how awful you are,it's all your fault, etc. Thats not change. He's just adjusted his mask.

If your husband was, as you say, a completely different person—meaning trustworthy, remorseful, and accountable— you wouldn’t need to play detective with him.

And even if he is better than he was before his affairs, so what? He shouldn’t get a pat on the back because he improved from monstrous to run-of-the-mill asshole.

Lastly, you saying you want to spy cams just to know for sure… you already know.

IHL,

I am sorry. You are in an abuse cycle. We always talk about the affair fog of the WS, but have you ever heard of FOG with victims of abuse? Fear, Obligation, Guilt. Cheaters are experts at manipulating these emotions against their BS to keep them. From what I am reading from your posts it seems like you are very much stuck in this cycle. How many more times are you going to keep trying? He gave you multiple STIs, but now you’re trying to catch him looking at porn. He’s verbally abusing you, and emotionally abusing you. He won’t do anything for you to even give you a moment’s reprieve, but you are going to kill your self to catch him one more time.

Be honest, if you do catch him looking at porn, are you actually going to leave? Will that be the real end? I’m betting that he is betting it won’t, because after everything he put you through, you are still with him, he is still selfish and doesn’t care about you. I again don’t mean to be harsh, you don’t have a marriage. You are a placeholder, a symbol of status to him so he can do whatever he wants, and maintain his image.

True remorse actually committed to R would be giving you the key logger without hesitation. I have a clone of my WW phone, I can see everything she does and everyone she talks to and what it is about. I have every password and I know every social media platform she is on. I can log on anytime and view anything. She agreed to do this, not a single protest from her and she understands that this is how it will be for the foreseeable future. She has yet to ask anything from me. If she ever told me I can’t see her accounts, that’s the end and I will file for D. I don’t need one more thing, that’s been done already. I will never allow myself to be in a position where I feel I have to do spy cams, or PI, or any of the other things I was doing to catch her. If it ever comes to that again, it’s over and I walk away.

To get to that point, I had to break out of my cycle of being abused. And I was terribly abused. It’s hard to believe, but it’s true,
And I hope you can see the light, and understand what you are really living in.

I didn't use a spy cam to gather information. What I did use was a vehicle tracker. Plugged in under dashboard to OBD port. Very easy to set up on your phone or computer. Took one week from initial discovery of the affair to having actual evidence that things were still going on. I think visual evidence would be burned into your mind and make recovery very difficult.

I’ve inserted a blink camera into air cleaners/hepa air scrubbers. You can cut into the filters and hide the blink module inside the filter.

Works great. A little loud, so it takes away some of the audio. But you can get around that by hiding a blink camera in a drawer, and using one for audio and one for video.

I also bought a 3D printer and use an obvious blink camera which plugs in and pans to monitor the very slow and very bugged printing process.

But that’s not all I use it for. Everyone just forgets it’s there because they think it’s for that.

You can also program your web cam to become a spy cam, but your computer has to remain turned on.

You can also put blink cams into air ducts. Use them for audio not so much video.

Presumably he’s using porn on the internet, right? Why not just install nanny guard stuff forcing him to only use it on one device. Then mirror that device (sign into an iPad with his Apple ID, and mirror his iPhone).

But ugh, just DTMFA. Dump the mother fucker already. All this sounds exhausting

3yrsout: I’m going to have to admit to being pretty darn impressed.

If you need to use the spy tactics of a petty dictator to find out what your spouse is up to, that’s not a marriage; that’s a Cold War.

Yeah, it feels like a Cold War at times. It helps me touch on reality, though. Intrusive thoughts can get the best of you when someone has been out to get you before…..

It’s a version of my ever present OCD, I’m sure.

Maybe one day I shall use it for good instead of evil. Or maybe not.