SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It's been about a week since I discovered my H was having an EA with a married friend of ours. It looks like it went on for about 2 weeks with a lot of texting and meeting up at the pool with kids. Nothing physical happened but she was pushing for it and he agreed that he wanted to.
H and I are communicating, he's being open and is remorseful, so I feel like we can get through this. My concern is that we can't avoid the friend. They were our closest church friends. Our kids are in the same small youth group and it means a lot to them. Our kids went to prom together this year (as friends). Our kids are in marching band together. She could easily be my kid's teacher next year. Everything says no contact. How do we move forward?

I am sorry you are here. I am going to be blunt. AP is no longer a friend. That is over. She willingly pursued a married man. Your husband. That friendship is over. And your WH and her can never be "just friends" again, those lines have been crossed and as long as they have contact the affair will continue. Trust me, I lived the whole things got inappropriate but we can still be friends crap, and the affair went more underground.

Does her husband know? If not he needs to asap. That will help make NC easier.

I am sorry, but because of your WH and AP, that friendship group is done. You do have a choice here.

NC is vital for R, for you and WH. I have never seen anyone be able to R successfully with AP still in their social circle, it’s basically impossible.

Agree with the above poster, she is not your friend. Have you informed her husband about the affair? He deserves to know.

NC means NC. Maybe inform your pastor about the situation to come up with a plan to avoid them at church.

Your husband has to understand that his actions have consequences, and the entire dynamic of your lives are changed...your friendships, your church life, your children's social lives, everything.

Your husband created this mess, he must help you figure out how to move forward.

You must forever be NC with this couple and avoid them at all costs whenever possible.

Is it possible to contact the school and request a different teacher?

Welcome to SI, I'm sorry your H has sent you here. There are many steps to move forward please visit The Healing Library on the main page and the pinned topics above.

First realize your WH has put you and the family in this awful position. This means leaving the church and the school. You cannot see here constantly in your life. You need to expose this to her H and if the school is part of the church you need to expose the A to the leadership, no M is safe around either of them. He is going to whine and complain that you are doing this to the kids, but you have to keep reminding him who blew it up.

He needs to sit and write a timeline of the A who what when where and how. He needs to describe what he was feeling with her. Again, I'm sorry you had to find us but glad you did, you are safe here.

Does her husband know? If not he needs to asap. That will help make NC easier.

This is 100% true. Blow. It. Up. The OBS must know about this - I'm guessing that he will be your ally. That being said that didn't happen for me at first, but it was still a good idea to tell the OBS. I waited FAR too long to do it (over a year). Don't be me.

My WH, the AP, and the OBS all worked together (WH was in their wedding FFS - still astounds me). They had a very tight social network with co-workers - we socialized with quite a few of them. I outed the A to OBS. He later outed the A to some co-workers - and all that socializing stopped. (or at least AP - who is divorced now - and WH stopped getting invited).

I am sorry, but because of your WH and AP, that friendship group is done. You do have a choice here.

NC is vital for R, for you and WH. I have never seen anyone be able to R successfully with AP still in their social circle, it’s basically impossible.

My WH is not in the social circle with OBS or AP anymore - it would have never ever worked if that remained. Never.

Your husband created this mess, he must help you figure out how to move forward.

Agree with one caveat - he does not need to HELP you figure this out - he needs to TAKE THE LEAD in resolving it as best as it can be.

Final word: its not all going to be "fair" - you may have to make some decisions you don't want to like changing your kids schools OR at least their teacher if the AP is going to be their teacher?!?!?! Um, no.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 5:14 PM, Tuesday, August 22nd]

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair by Linda MacDonald is a fairly short read, and is a primer that your WH should follow. Another book is Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass. The chapter on windows and walls was very helpful in understanding boundaries that you have between you as a married couple (transparent, like glass windows) and boundaries towards others outside your M (setting up protective walls).

I'll agree with what hellisnothalffull posted.

She can never be a friend again. She has to go.

I hope you'll tell OBS.

I'll pile on.

This is not your problem. This is your WH's. I'm pretty sure if the kids knew they would also be uncomfortable with it. In your scenario I'd be one of the kids. In my particular case, my father openly carried on an affair with a MOW while I was friends with her children. I hated it and would have welcomed not being in that environment despite being friends with them.
Plus, let the school know that she's carrying on EAs with the parents of their students. I guarantee they'll ensure she's nowhere near them, and maybe the school itself depending on her standing. Abusers like her should be nowhere near children.

[This message edited by 1994 at 9:28 PM, Tuesday, August 22nd]

Unfortunately, hard decisions need to be made. NC is a must. And her husband needs to be told.

Also..True remorse takes time. He is in regret. Not remorse.

And, when distance isn't a factor, it's physical. Married men don't get involved in affairs to send sweet messages.

Oh Hellfire..

Hellfire is right.

Sienna7, are you comfortable sharing how you became aware of the EA?

Did you discover it yourself?
Did H come to you with a confession?
OW told you, and H conformed?
OBS, maybe?

For example, if you discovered texts on H phone, and confronted him... it's likely that he only admitted to what he had to , and has lied and covered up the rest... alluding to what Hellfire posted above.

Cheaters lie. they always lie. They trickle truth and they gaslight and they rugsweep and they DENY DENY DENY.

I want to add on to what HellFire said.

Again, I am sorry, it’s only been a week and everything is so awful especially at first. You need to brace yourself, there is probably a lot more to the affair then you know at this moment. It didn’t go to sweet texts in just two weeks. It’s highly unlikely that your WH turned down the chance to be PA. If they had opportunity, it is a PA, and probably has been for a while. Think hard. Any unaccounted for time by your WH? Weird late nights? Unusual times during day where he didn’t answer texts like normal? Check your bank/credit account, any unusual charges? Hotels, dinners, gifts?
Have you checked the phone record and seen how many times they’ve really texted?
I could be wrong, but 9/10 of these stories all have the same ending.

Hellfire is right, he very likely regrets he is caught, and is probably Trick Truthing you about it (she wanted him but he did too but didn’t go all the way…) to protect himself. Do not trust him, his words are meaningless. When caught, they almost always lie.

I know none of this is what you want to hear, and going NC with APs family seems so unfair to you and your family. It’s the mess he made. I am saying it again, if you want any chance of your marriage rebuilding, you have to have two things at minimum. Completely NC with AP, and the full story of what happened.

I debated posting this earlier, but I feel it must be said.

The chances of a successful R are essentially 0 if there isn't a swift and severe and compliant 100% NC with OW.
Affairs, wether emotional or physical or both have consequences, and you must be able to feel safe in thre marriage after a betrayal... this is already hard enough.

I strongly suggest you let your pastor know what happened.
I strongly encourage you to contact OBS and make sure he has the opportunity to know everything you know. Both because he deserves the same choice that you're unfortunately going to have to make, because it's absolutely the right thing to do, and finally, it could be helpful in your situation no matter the choice you make.

Finally. I need to mention this---- others have said the friendship is over, but i'll suggest further.
It could be best if they moved out of the neighborhood, if you choose to move out of the neighborhood.
It could be best if she finds a new church to go to.... or you may choose to find a new church.
It could be best of OW finds a new school to work at.... or you may choose to send you kids to a different school.

I know it sucks.

and one last thing, Sienna7

Please, I beg you, do not feel like the frankness and the blunt statements I make, or anyone else makes, is done so in an effort to make you feel worse.

Members here most often post out of genuine love, empathy, compassion and concern.
We know it hurts.... because we too have experienced it. We know there are things that are uncomfortable to think about, to decide, to accept, or understand.

Our goal is to help other survive infidelity, and to get out of infidelity either through R or D as quickly as possible, without making the mistakes we did. Because infidelity-limbo is pure hell.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. The advice here seems so swift and sudden, but honestly it's because the people here have been where you are and some of us have wallowed in infidelity for a long time before getting out of it. It. Was. Painful. AND It. Didn't. Work.

My suggestions for you are to surround yourself with support; family, friends and church people. Tell the OBS (the other betrayed spouse.) and let the school know that your kid(s) will not be in her classroom and why. You will get through this but you will have to take certain steps to do so. They won't be easy, but they are necessary if you don't want to keep swimming in the same murky pool.

You have allies here. Take advantage of their wisdom and kindness.

What the others have said. I am so sorry Sienna your life's circumstances put you in the situation you are in, now.

Meanwhile I do hope your WH understands how much he betrayed not only you, but also your kids. This absolutely would be true even if OW's family were not in their circle, but as they in fact are, this goes double. Your kids also need to deal with losing their friends and their church as a safe space for them. This, when they need their circle the most, on top of everything else. I do hope both WH and OW understand the gravity of their actions and how many people they really hurt.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 11:39 PM, Tuesday, August 22nd]

I'm so sorry you're here, and yup, I'm on the dog pile. It wasn't just texts if they are not separated by a LOT of distance.

She is not your friend, nor is your WH.

Wonder how many other women were "pushing for it and he agreed that he wanted to."

My concern is that we can't avoid the friend.

Former friend. Now an enemy.

It's harsh to read, but in time it will sink in deep that this is true.

Affairs always have collateral damage. They echo.

Hi there I’m guessing all of the replies might have you feeling like this is a pile on. It’s just awfully hard won experience.

I was in your shoes. I was embarrassed and I wanted it all to go away. I thought I could deal with it without taking affirmative action.

Reality was that I couldn’t. My WH had ongoing contact with one of his APs. I thought we had dealt with it but an EA went onto to being a full fledged 4.5 year affair. I’m guessing those lingering looks, flirty hair flicks and unwavering admiration was just too much to resist. I had requested that any contact be told to me. I stupidly trusted him at his word…..

However more importantly have you thought about how continued contact is going to make you feel? Will you ever feel safe? Will church ever be a place of sanctuary?

I know that it will be difficult and there will be awkward conversations but unless you remove yourself from any constant reminders how will you heal? Recovery is hard enough but not possible with constant interaction.

As I pointed out to my WH major life upheaval was just one consequence of his actions. It was the gift that kept in giving. Put your needs first. You didn’t cause this and your WH should be moving heaven and earth to make you feel safe.

Sienna, I’m so sorry you’re here. I imagine you’re feeling traumatized and overwhelmed. Please take a breath to care for yourself. Try to eat healthily and exercise; lean on safe people who care about you.

My first post on this site was about dealing with the aftermath of an affair where no contact didn’t seem possible. (My husband had an affair with a coworker, and they still work together now, three years after Dday). I felt overwhelmed by all the responses talking about how reconciliation wasn’t possible if he still worked with her, and how he needed to quit his job, etc.

It’s a complicated situation when your spouse’s affair partner is intricately interwoven into your life. Getting to a better place in that type of situation is especially hard, and it comes with a lot of collateral damage.

First things first: take care of yourself and your kids.

Second, before you figure out how to deal with the AP being enmeshed in your social circles, where do things stand with your husband? Do you have certainty that this wasn’t a PA, and that it was only a couple of weeks? Because as other posters have mentioned, that sounds off. Not impossible, but suspect. Do you have decent evidence that their affair is over? How is your husband reacting to this? Is he being transparent and non-defensive? Does he recognize how destructive his behavior was, and is he acting accordingly? Do you and he both want your relationship badly enough to work like hell for it?

Third, does her spouse know? It’s only fair that he know, and making sure that he knows that helps pop the fantasy bubble.

Those are bigger ducks to get in a row before figuring out how to deal with an affair partner who’s all up in your space.

But, once you get to that issue, it’s a doozy. My gut instinct is that your family or hers needs a different church community. I don’t think it’s possible to do church with a woman who was cheating with your husband. There are lots of churches out there—don’t mix toxicity with what should be an uplifting, supportive community of faith. It’s not fair to you to have to leave, but you might have to if she doesn’t; affairs have a lot of collateral damage (and your husband should be at the forefront of navigating this; he caused it).

I’m not sure how to deal with the school, but it’s not tenable to have her teaching your kid. Is this a private or public school? Are there other teachers at that grade level? Is there any reason or possibility to switch schools?

In my experience, reconciliation can happen with a small level of contact. My husband still has to interact with his coworker AP sometimes. But I don’t think reconciliation is feasible for most people if you remain in the same social circle as the AP, to the extent that they’re interwoven into your kids lives.

Hang in there. You will get there. We are here to help as much as we can.

[This message edited by Grieving at 6:05 AM, Wednesday, August 23rd]

Hi OP. I noticed you haven't posted since your first post. I imagine you may be thinking we don't understand. We don't know your husband. We don't know her. We don't understand how you don't want this to affect your kids. Maybe you think we are bitter,and angry.

You are right. We don't know your husband. But we do know cheaters. We know they almost always follow a pattern. We know the behavior of other women. We know the nature of affairs. We are not bitter. Many of us have healed,and have stayed to give back to the community that helped us. We absolutely know there are certain things necessary for you to be able to heal. Absolute NC is a must. Telling the OBS is a must. It's awful, sometimes, for the innocents who didn't deserve to have this happen. But it is what it is.

Your husband's affair will have consequences for the entire family. He knew that when he started the affair. He was counting on you being naive,so he wouldn't get caught.

This isn't a slip. This is a major bomb dropped on your marriage. He did that.

You need to stop believing his words, and start watching his actions. What is he doing to become a safe partner?

At minimum:

Complete NC.

Full transparency. You get full access to all accounts and the phone. Passwords included.

He gets IC to figure out why he did this.

He answers all of your questions without anger or defensiveness. No blame.

He understands healing from infidelity takes years.

He must do the work.

He is honest with you at all times.

Std testing. This hammers home the fact that you can't trust him. This may have been an EA. But you can't trust that because he's broken trust. It also may be the only time he's been caught.

He is proactive in healing the damage he has caused you, himself, and the marriage.

It appears you have older kids. Since they mingle with the other woman's family, they will need to be told why they won't be inviting them over anymore. Age appropriate honesty. They don't need details.

And anything else you need to begin to feel safe.

I hope you stick around. This site is an invaluable resource.