SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

How do unfaithfuls compartmentalize their As if they are conducting some of that A on front of the AP, OBS and their spouse?

There is no way your husband conpartmentalized his affair. She was the neighbor, a friend,and you all spent a lot of time with each other's families.

A ws who has an affair with a coworker, and keeps his affair,and his family/home completely separate? They can say they conpartmentalized. Ws who bring their AP around their family on a regular basis? No way.

You asked this question twice before, but worded it differently each time.

7 times if you count the "hanging out/socializing with AP/how could he" questions.

Why do you ask this again NOW Livingingrief?

Is "compartmentalization" his handy catch-word to explain away how he betrayed you AND his good friend by cheating with his wife right in front of your noses - without considering how his selfish choices could harm you and OBS?

Is a therapist offering "compartmentalization" to explain HOW your partner did what he did without any telltale signs - without any apparent qualms?

Or, are you still searching for an explanation - ANY explanation to reconcile the man you desperately want to believe your husband is with the real man?

Agree with Hellfire. IMO, no way he compartmentalized the affair. In fact, it's possible carrying on the A right in front of you and his good friend/OBS was part of the appeal. He has a history of hitting on friends or friend's partners, correct? This pattern could indicate he gets something out of double betrayal. IMO, he's not compartmentalizing something he repeatedly and actively pursues. HOW did he do it? Not by compartmentalization. He was able to betray both you and his friend right in front of your noses because he chose to do it - he wanted the A. He values what HE wants. His self-centered ego fortification was THE priority - above the well-being of his wife, his friend, and his family.

ETA

Dear Livingingrief, how can we help you break out of this 3 year infidelity feed-back loop you seem to be stuck in? My heart goes out to you when you come here month after month, year after year asking the same variations-on-a-theme questions over and over. All because the ONE person who can give you the truth, safety and comfort you so desperately seek refuses to give it! He's stonewalled and rug swept his behavior for years. At your expense. Many of us BS get fixated on an idea once in a while. Believe me, I understand the BS propensity to fixate on the A, or the AP, etc. Been there. Done that. But with some people, it happens more intensely. Perseveration is when someone “gets stuck” on a topic or an idea.

Perseveration can also be a coping mechanism for us BS when we feel overwhelmed, anxious, or uncomfortable with a situation. What's triggering the perseveration/questions you share with us? Let us into your situation - elaborate more on what's happening in your life that prompts your questions. What are you doing to take care of yourself? How are your children handling the situation? What do YOU want? Your pattern of asking the community a "general" question without giving us consistent responses/reactions, updates or context makes it challenging for us to support you. We want to help!

So, what's going on in your life Livingingrief? What's on your mind? How can we help you get un-stuck?

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 7:09 PM, Sunday, August 20th]

I guess you can say I go through these cycles were I'm okay for a while then I start to obsess over it all again. You are all very helpful. I think I make different posts because you all validate me in a way that my H does not. It feels good to hear the truth when the one you want the truth from doesn't talk. Our biggest issue is communication. My H literally cannot talk. Even if i am sweet and gentle, he just looks down and doesn't say much of anything. He hasn't done work to become a safe person yet I'm still here giving him time because he says he " doesn't know why he can't get things done". I've been struggling for 3 and a half years now. I don't make these post to try to convince myself that my Hs not a jerk as some say. I come for advice, for validation, for strength. Not one person on this planet knows all that my H has done because I'm too embarrassed to tell anyone. I asked again about compartmentalizion because I was reading about it and I came across an unfaithful post were he was also betrayed his W and hung out around his AP like my H did nut he said that he did compartmentalize. He said that when he was around them all, his mind would go into " friend" mode.
The truth is I am still so hurt, so miserable. I'm stuck as you say and don't know how to get out.
My H won't see a IC. I bought several books I wanted him to read and hasn't read any. I have caught him lies since dday. I'm still waiting on the truth about things 3 years later. An example is that i dont even know how long his A truly laated. He told me a few months on dday but he says he cant remember exactly how long today. And I guess I'm still waiting bc I've given up on trying because I get shut down every time. Then when I don't get shut down, I get silence. Everything is just so messed up.

One thing I forgot to say is he never brings up his A to talk about it. He hasn't brought it up once, not once. I understand not wanting to talk about it but he will see that I'm struggling sometimes and he doesn't say anything or do anything. He just ignores it and ignores me. I've never once gotten comfort when crying. Last time he seen me cry was after an argument and he burst through our room door and says " what!! What's the problem" in a really mean way. It's like he can't take how it makes him feel to see me upset so he avoids. It's sad and my needs haven't been met since dday and even before dday if I'm being honest.
Maybe I just haven't accepted the fact that he's not changing and he's not going to. Maybe I'm just trying to hold on to what I thought was real and I need to accept it never was.

[This message edited by Livingingrief at 2:04 AM, Monday, August 21st]

You need to 180.

He needs consequences.

He doesn't do anything to change,because he doesn't want to. And,he knows you aren't going anywhere. If it was important to him, he'd do it.

At some point, you need to accept that this is who he is. This is as good as it gets with him. He's had years,and nothing has changed. You need to work on detaching. Work on yourself.

It does get better. But it may mean making some hard decisions.

Over three years of your life you can’t get back. So you look into the future and see the same thing. When do you decide that one more day is one too many?

When do you realize his silence is power over you? He doesn’t want to talk. He wants you right where he has you…slowly falling apart. It makes him feel powerful.

No one here can fix this for you. YOU have the power to change things but you don’t or won’t. When you get to that place you will be done. Until then stay here but don’t use it as a way to keep from the reality of your life.

You do get to say NO.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 4:01 AM, Monday, August 21st]

Livingingrief, I get you. I completely understand the helpless feeling, and I too felt so very stuck. I was so angry and stuck that I had my own revenge A to "solve" it, but as you might imagine, it only made things much worse--and I STILL felt stuck.

Then the clouds just lifted, and I knew that I could not change him, get him to understand, talk sense into him, or pressure him. Because he had no intention of changing, and I felt done. Just done. I waved the white flag and told him, "Ok, it's fine. I'm crazy. I'm a drama queen. I'm never happy. Ok then. I am all of those things, and I am also done. I want a D."

He tried to talk to me, but I was truly and absolutely exhausted. He got nowhere. Then he got angry. Then he waited me out. But I kept moving forward. Made an appointment with the mediator. Asked my mom if the kids and I could move in with her. I felt such relief in giving up. I was so tired!!! He had worn me out with his stubborn avoidance of his issues, and I no longer cared. I felt so light!!!

Weeks and months go by. We are ihs and not speaking at all. He found a therapist and started going every week. I told him one day, "This won't help. It's too late." He said, "No, I need this for me. I don't understand why I've done what I've done. I need someone to talk with."

We continued like that until mediation was over, and then I said, "You are doing a great job, and it's very peaceful here. I know you are desperate to stay here with the kids, so you are welcome to live here as long as things stay like this." And he continued to go to IC and get better and better! We got back together after a few years. But what did it take? The most extreme step possible! I did not start the divorce to wake him up though. I started it to save myself. It just HAPPENED to wake him up.

People who cheat are very avoidant. They are escapists. So was I! But sometimes you cannot avoid and escape, like when you are losing your family. THEN my H was willing to face his fears. That's what he says now, years after getting back together. "I was just so afraid of facing myself."

I am not telling you to D your WH. What I am saying is that avoidance can be extreme, and our pain and loss is not felt like the WS's own pain and loss! They just think, "Sucks to be you, but you'll be fine." He may never, ever, EVER face himself and his demons unless he suffers mightily.

Will your mental health be able to endure that? Mine could not. I was in breakdown territory. I had to save myself! I could not stay with someone who was actively hurting me with his avoidance and did not care. And standing up for me is, to this day, one of the smartest, most mature things I have ever done.

You are the one in pain, so you are the one that is going to need to change her actions in this mess. Because nothing changes if nothing changes.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 4:22 AM, Monday, August 21st]

I agree with Hellfire that you need to detach. Your WS has not done the work nor is he remorseful. He reacts to your pain with contempt. I've been there and done that with my xWS too. He also did not feel remorse and I was never in R. You are in limbo and will be until he either steps up to the plate or you are done. I also believe that he thinks you will never leave and has no reason to worry about consequences. It's why he still stonewalls you and gives you silence.

Once you do the 180 and detach you will see him more clearly and gain some of your power back. From there you will be able to figure out what you want for yourself and what you want your life to look like.

You may have to make a hard decision to be happy again. He might not change and may never be reconciliation material. It is impossible to heal a M like that but not impossible for you to heal yourself.

This marriage has traumatized you. His A and serial infidelity (yes hitting on people is infidelity!) aren't the only source of trauma. His drug addiction/addict behaviors, those things he's done that are too embarrassing to share, his stonewalling/silent treatment (which is emotional abuse!), his covert emotional abuse (like ignoring you when expressing your needs), his destruction of your self-esteem, and his LYING are ALL part of the big picture. Snarky observation - he didn't have any communication/talking issues while exchanging 500 texts with his friend's GF or while wooing AP. From what you describe, it appears there's something seriously wrong with him. And you can't fix him.

I've said this a couple of times, but maybe now you're ready to hear it. STOP trying to untangle him; trying to change him. He doesn't want to change. Obsessing over his how and why, did he compartmentalize or not, how could he etc. is getting you nowhere. It's keeping you stuck in a loop focused on HIM when you should be focused on YOU. Channel that energy spent perseverating over "how" "why" he had the A into saving yourself AND the kids. Hope you're still seeing a therapist! If you're overwhelmed, don't worry about what the future holds.Take things one day at a time while you detach from him and figure out what comes next. As you work with the therapist and become strong enough to reclaim some of your power and self-esteem, the rest will naturally follow. Hope the therapist is competent with a solid grounding in trauma treatment. Suggest exploring trauma bonding with the therapist to see if the concept resonates. Your marriage looks like one long trauma bond to this stranger on the internet!

Trauma takes a toll both emotionally and physically. Years of hyper-vigilance around drug abuse and infidelity, monitoring him, being the target of his emotional abuse, and anticipating when that next shoe will drop is making you sick. 4 years of narrowly obsessing over the A could be one manifestation of trauma. It's interesting the A is your laser focus when you could rightfully demand he change his overall shitty treatment, and get help for his drug addiction (white knuckling it isn't dealing with it!). He was seeking (using?) drugs in June! Yet you're perseverating on the A rather than recognizing it for what it is - ONE of many toxic fallouts from his troubled personality. Maybe the A was a deal breaker, but the trauma bond keeps you hooked? If he addresses that ONE last straw that finally broke the camel's back, then maybe you're willing to bargain - to continue lugging the big basket of assorted marital dysfunction you've been shouldering for years? Okay, enough armchair theorizing.

Livingingrief, time to save yourself. And your daughters. You can't keep them healthy and safe if you don't save yourself first. They're imprinting what's going on at home - that this is what marriage looks like. Would you want them to stay in marriages where they don't feel safe - where their partners emotionally abuse them? First step towards saving yourself is to D-E-T-A-C-H =

Don't

Even

Think

About

Changing

Him

PS: You're a reader - you've researched tons of literature about affairs. How about a switch to researching trauma recovery and ways to climb out this four year infidelity limbo? A basic book to kick start trauma recovery is "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel van der Kolk. Covers the research. Lots of trauma recovery material out there. We're cheering you on! So glad you opened up a bit and let us in.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 7:30 PM, Friday, August 25th]

Livingingrief, are you still there? Any thoughts to share with us?