SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So in the last month & half I found out on separate actions that my partner of nearly 4 yrs has slept with my best friend and also started a fling with a other girl that only ended 8 weeks ago. I am trying so hard to like process everything that am no where near healing. I want to fight I really do but am beginning to feel like I can't handle it. Everything just seems like a massive lie the last 3yrs feels like I haven't even been with him his been else where. He says his ready to commit to change, his started to look at counseling but has gone to 3 different ones and he hasn't clicked with ether one so his still looking for someone to click with to begin the process of sorting his side of things out. He is trying in that area but he asked me if I'd be okay if he goes away for a few weeks to which I said no he respected it. I am in limbo with everything he first cheated because he told me it was emotional affair the second one was because he was bored and wanted to be spontaneous. So now I am petrified of him getting down when I know he suffers with mental health. I hate it when he says his bored because am instantly thinking we need to go out and do something because if he gets bored he will go else where. I am full of fear, I 100% do not trust him. Will ever feel like I can trust him again as I do whole Heartedly love this man but I am so torn up inside that I throw out insults with out even thinking at him and I hate that am doing it but it's instinct now. He makes jokes like am so lucky to have a man like him, that everyone would be jelouse of such a fine man in my life his joking when saying it but when he saying things like that I want to swing his jaw. I am feeling so many emotions every day, am starting to lose count on the amount of panic attacks I have. Why am putting my self through all of this when I don't trust him I know those say give it 6 months to a yr but how do you all get through this pain, the thoughts, anxiety, depression, panice attacks how do you deal with it to get to the other side to be with the one who's caused you all this pain.

You don’t have to wait 6 months or 6 minutes. He cheated twice that you know of and doesn’t care at all. He’s making jokes about how great he is and how lucky you are, that’s just a mindfuck. He is manipulating you.

He sounds like a typical cake eater and man he has it good. You’re killing your self to make him happy. You aren’t responsible for keeping him faithful. Who cares if he is bored. It’s his responsibility. Why would you tolerate that? Don’t. A good, healthy relationship isn’t "well I don’t like this or that so I’m going to step out". All you are doing is setting yourself up for another DDAY. And think about that again. You’re basically fueling his ego.

You’re miserable and hate being around him, just go. You don’t deserve to suffer, and you don’t have to.

I am betting that if you left and went completely no contact you would start feeling better almost immediately. Ask yourself, do you feel better when he isn’t around? Do you miss him? Do you dread coming home knowing he will be there? You aren’t at fault, he cheated. Cheating is the end of a relationship. You don’t need any more justification than that.

Just my opinion on what I see are the red flags here:

🚩 Can’t "connect" with a counselor. Seems like he doesn’t want to do the work.

🚩 Your marriage is in life support and he wants to go away 😡😡😡. Escape the trauma he caused and not think about it. Definitely an avoidance tactic.

🚩he’s "bored". Seriously not sure why you think that is something you need to fix.

He says he wants the marriage but actually has not taken one "action step" to show he really is committed to R AND understanding your pain and devastation. I’m sorry but trying to "find a counselor" is a cop out.

Yet YOU keep trying to fix the marriage and him. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

FWIW he has to fix himself. Period.

I suggest you ind yourself a good counselor for yourself so that you have someone to support you and help you navigate this process.

He makes jokes like am so lucky to have a man like him, that everyone would be jelouse of such a fine man

He may be "jokingly" voicing some of his real reasons for cheating.

He wants to believe he's all that and, thus, feels that he deserves multiple partners.

Of course if he REALLY believed he was awesome, he wouldn't need constant reassurance from multiple partners. But he likely hasn't admitted that part to himself.

I am full of fear, I 100% do not trust him.

Does that sound like a basis for a healthy relationship? You will never fully trust him again (I'm 8 yrs out, ask me how I know.)

I know those say give it 6 months to a yr

100% disagree. In 6 mo to a year, you're going to be in this same exact place or, worse, suffering from your 3rd, 4th, 15th DDay. And Trickle Truth, and DARVO, and all the other shit sandwiches WSes serve up to us. Don't waste another moment on this person.

There is no "should" here. You can do whatever it is that makes you happy.

Are you happy?

Since you're asking for opinions, I'll give you one. All of us here can only tell you what we experienced and how we would act in your situation. It's not gospel and you will need to do what is right for you.

My opinion:

You aren't married. This is the trial run for finding out if he would make a good husband. He failed. Royally.

He slept with your best friend and then another AP in the home you two bought. Two seriously egregious violations that show an utter lack of respect for you. It's almost contempt.

In a previous post you said he told you he slept with your bff because "he hated you." Ok, not almost contempt here. Total contempt.

He wants time away from you when you are hurting most. The cowardice isn't the worst of it. No empathy. No guilt. His contempt is showing again.

(The getaway might also include getting to enjoy a new - or same - AP. You should be thinking this way. He deserves no trust and that ask shows zero concern for you or the relationship).

Those are the things I'd be weighing heavily in my stay or go equation. For me, it would be a go. He's not partner material. he's done enough damage. If you are wanting / needing space please, please take it. No harm can come from that. If he wanders off during that time, good riddance to a faithless man. If it goes the other way and he grows a pair, that's still a win.

Take your space. 180 him and focus on making yourself feel better. You did nothing to deserve this. He's just an ass.

You aren't responsible for alleviating his boredom. He's in control of that, and there are a ton of things he could do that do not involve somebody else's genitals. You could plan a dozen things, but he could still be bored.

Please run and never look back or this is the life you are going to lead with a back-stabbing, lying, cheating partner.

"Cheated once he did it again, do I keep fighting or do I give up the good fight"

That's the thread topic title. But I have to say, the 'good' fight is in your mind only. He has shown ZERO 'fight' for this relationship. Actually, quite the opposite. He has been attempting, very successfully, to destroy it. He is relying on your compassion and overall example of a being good person to keep this relationship going.

Why am putting my self through all of this when I don't trust him

This is a very important question to ask yourself. I already know the answer--you are wayyyyyy undervaluing yourself. You shouldn't be petrified of him leaving--it should be the other way around. He is far less invested in the relationship, and because of that, there is a huge power imbalance in his favor. If you are always 'fighting' for the relationship, why does he need to bother? In his mind, you are going nowhere.

You deserve far better treatment than this. Until you demand better....and are willing to leave unless your partner REALLY commits(through actions, not words)......you will, unfortunately, continue to get more of the same.

Serial cheating is symptomatic of significant emotional issues. Also pointing to significant emotional issues are his "reasons" for cheating (who cheats because they are BORED?) and his lack of addressing his issues (after three therapists, he should have been able to either click with one or discover what he needs in therapy.

Cheating with your best friend shows a significant lack of respect for you as a person. Does that say "partner" to you?

You don't say if you're married or just coupled. Either way, I'd leave this relationship and not look back. At best, he is emotionally immature and needs to grow up. At worst, he's extraordinarily selfish and will be a constant disappointment to you as a partner.

You deserve better.

Cat

Those ad nauseum comments of wait 6 months to a year are mostly meant for people with a partner worth investing 6 more months and NOT repeat offenders!

Get out.

Here's why. Regardless of the love you have, and even his cheating, you are with someone who brings out the absolute worst in you. If you stay, you will eventually grow to hate him, which he would deserve. But you'll also grow to hate yourself.

No man is worth that. Not even a great man that is faithful. Which he is not.

Walk away now while you still have a piece of yourself to claim.

BTW, the first few years of a relationship should be the easiest because it's the honeymoon phase. Do you feel like you're on your dream honeymoon?

[This message edited by StillLivin at 11:27 PM, Friday, August 11th]

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