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Newest Member: IHateEverything

New Beginnings :
Dating

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 Helena67 (original poster member #80506) posted at 3:42 PM on Sunday, August 6th, 2023

So my therapist suggested to me to start dating. I told her that I was still maried. She said who cares, he is living with his AP. Well I care.... what do you think, SI? When is the wright time to start dating?

BS (me) 55 years; WS 54 years. Divorcing. Almost there!

posts: 110   ·   registered: Aug. 10th, 2022   ·   location: The Netherlands
id 8803470
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Jajaynumb ( new member #83674) posted at 5:38 PM on Sunday, August 6th, 2023

I think it’s fine to dip a toe in the water. He’s gone and I assume the divorce process is in motion?

https://library.survivinginfidelity.com/topics/661294/worse-than-hell-yes-its-all-true/

posts: 37   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2023   ·   location: Europe
id 8803479
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 6:05 PM on Sunday, August 6th, 2023

I think you get to decide.
Is legal separation a thing where you live? If so, that feels pretty much like D except for the final signature.
How you would feel if you went on a date with someone who was still technically married?
Is your D a sure thing, just waiting on the system to finalize? Or has the process not even started?

He is living with AP- so it does seem like your M is totally over. So it’s reasonable if you feel comfortable with it to consider yourself S’d or D’d.

I think a bigger question is what you think and how you feel. I have found I come up with excuses to NOT date—- so look and see if your reluctance it b/c of a technicality of D or S, or if you have fears about dating.. And then talk about that in IC.

(TL/DR: you get to decide when is the right time for you. She may be just asking you to think about what that right time looks like and examine any fears or roadblocks you are putting in your own way. )

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5597   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8803483
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 3:32 PM on Monday, August 7th, 2023

I agree, the decision is yours. It is what you feel comfortable with.

Although, I absolutely believe you should get out and have some fun with friends. And it’s not shopping. Do some thing that is fun and different for you. Start living your life in a way that it makes you smile.

For me once I decided that I would not reconcile, I started dating. He had been out of the house for more than a year, closer to two

. The one thing I would suggest is if you do decide to date don’t put pressure on yourself. It’s actually really hard to start dating again after going through infidelity. Trust your instincts, if it doesn’t feel good, or feels uncomfortable, stop the date. Or take a short break. You have full control.

If you do online dating, I would suggest that you are very careful and make sure that you’re safe. There are quite a few creeps to be honest. Both men and women.

To be redefined

posts: 2194   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8803576
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 8:53 PM on Monday, August 7th, 2023

This is a personal question. I hadcalso struggled with it briefly, but once I had decided to D, my M was over. One consideration is that your WS may drag out the D and thereby unilaterally keep you in a sort of suspended relationship status, while they merrily trot on with their lives. I saw that as added insult to injury. It was just another way that agency was removed from me.

Now, that being said, I fell into dating way too early and it was quite tumultuous. In hindsight, it would have been better had I waited and did the hard work of healing, but myvself worth was crushed and when a gorgeous woman paid attention to me, I found it very appealing. Needless to say it ended after a few breakups.

I remember reading somewhere that the first relationship post-S/D usually ends. Maybe that has something to do with how ready the BS is. I don't know,but I chose to be single for 3.5 years with the odd date with a woman. I didn't do hookups or relationships. Instead, I just worked on being content alone. It worked and got me to a better place.

Now I am dating a wonderful woman andcwe getbalong very well. The irony is this is her first relationship post S and I am fully aware of the fact that the odds of it lasting are slim. That makes me sad as what we have is quite good. The good thing is that as a D'd BS, I am fully aware of the difficulties entailed in the journey she is on, so I am expecting to share them with her, even if it just means holding space. That may change the odds a bit.

Whatever you choose to do, it must be for you and only you. If you feel the need to hold to some moral code or external set of expectations, then you should do that for you. If you choose to dip your toe into dating, then that should be for you as well. Just bear in mind that the culture of dating has changed since I was young. I get hit on regularly and have been asked to come home with women who only want recreational sex. I had to Google FWB... Since I'm not a hook-up kinda guy, it was very shocking for me. You might be better with this than me.

Anyway, I hope you find your way. Good luck.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 2022!!!!

posts: 1581   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8803619
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 8:53 PM on Monday, August 7th, 2023

Double post

[This message edited by Justsomeguy at 8:53 PM, Monday, August 7th]

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 2022!!!!

posts: 1581   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8803620
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 Helena67 (original poster member #80506) posted at 5:37 PM on Tuesday, August 8th, 2023

The divorce proces is in motion. A legal seperation does not exist in this country.

You all have given me food for thoughts. Thank you for that.

I don't know if I'm sufficiently healed to be able to have a new and healthy relationship. But how does one find out?
My heart was so terribly broken that maybe I'm just scared to get hurt again....

[This message edited by Helena67 at 5:47 PM, Tuesday, August 8th]

BS (me) 55 years; WS 54 years. Divorcing. Almost there!

posts: 110   ·   registered: Aug. 10th, 2022   ·   location: The Netherlands
id 8803693
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countrydirt ( member #55758) posted at 11:46 PM on Tuesday, August 8th, 2023

I didn't "date" when I was legally separated. I did have a friendship that turned into dating after the divorce was final, but it was entirely too soon for my heart and psyche. Despite the fact that my XW was unfaithful before and during the separation that was a line I didn't want to cross.

I made it a point to not do "dating" for a bit after that first relationship bit the dust. Instead I made it a point to just be clear that I was making new friends. My current relationship developed organically from occasional friend activities (hiking, biking, kayaking, dutch treat dinners out) to more and more time spent together over the course of a couple of years.

3 adult sonsMarried 32 years. DDay1 - June 2016, DDay 2 - April 2017, Final DDay - May 2020. Divorced - January 2021

posts: 500   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2016   ·   location: Colorado
id 8803723
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 11:45 AM on Tuesday, August 15th, 2023

Obviously your IC knows you better than I do, but it’s pretty clear from your posts that your pain is still very raw and you haven’t fallen out of love with your ex (at least not completely). That’s not the best mind set to start dating because you will be comparing every guy you meet to your ex or (at worst) you could be vulnerable to predatory types who will tell you exactly what you want to hear and sweep you off your feet… only for their mask to drop later on. I found one of those when I was newly divorced, unfortunately.

Before you embark on a relationship, you really should focus on rebuilding the most important one you have… which is with yourself. Are there things you always wanted to do but couldn’t? Make a list and go do them, particularly if they are interests and goals that you let slip over the course of your marriage.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1603   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8804440
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BallofAnxiety ( member #82853) posted at 5:43 PM on Wednesday, August 16th, 2023

I started dating very quickly after my separation and found it to be very helpful and healing for me. For one, as soon as I learned about the affair I knew D was the only option for me, which I think helped healing a lot because I never once contemplated taking him back, not that he wanted it. It was incredibly healing bc I left that 17 year relationship feeling old and fat, like no one would ever want me. I quickly learned that wasn't true at all, which helped my belief that I had done the right thing.

It is completely possible and ethical to decide to only date casually, as long as you are clear about what you are doing. I looked at dating as the opportunity to meet new, interesting people and do new, interesting things. There is absolutely nothing wrong with going on dates even if you don't want a serious commitment now. I actually had a really great time! I am now exclusively seeing a really good man. It's early still and I don't know where things will lead, I may (likely) will end up hurt, but it's been a good experience thus far.

Another thing I thought about was my STBXH was dating while actively married and living with me, doing it behind my back. If anything, I'm just catching up!

ONS 2006; 1 year+ A (DDay 1/2023).Separated and divorcing.

posts: 114   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8804602
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Confused282 ( member #79680) posted at 4:07 AM on Friday, August 18th, 2023

Only start dating if you are really ready to leave him behind.

If you are still holding out hope that he will be back then you are not ready.

Once you start he may have some jealousy and try to sabotage any new relationships.

You know as I get older it’s amazing how much of the old knowledge and sayings I use to reject ended up being so true.

Here is a saying we all have heard.

An ex is an ex for a reason.

If you are really ready to move forward then by all means you should date.

But once you start your personnel relationship with your ex is permanently over. Forever.

Don’t send some new guy here talking about my girlfriend was cheating on me with her ex.

Make sure you are ready is my point.

Don’t take it too seriously at first but date with purpose. Look for someone good who you enjoy being with.

Make smart decisions and you new life will be even better than your old one.

I wish you the best of luck.

posts: 144   ·   registered: Dec. 16th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8804764
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