SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My dd received an invitation to a party from my sister in law for my niece. Dd assumed I was also invited and asked if I was sending a gift. I did not receive an invite and was not aware of the event.

My feelings were a bit hurt which DD could see. She is mad and is considering sending a text letting them know that she won't be attending since I wasn't invited.

I told her I didn't think that was the best idea. Yes, my feelings are hurt but I think she should just let it go.

There is some history here. I considered sil my friend and I think we were for a few years (many years ago). I don't know what changed but sil started to be very cold and passive aggressively mean to me. I continued to try being nice but she was so incredibly moody and unkind. I would keep getting my feelings hurt. She would even be cold and a little mean to DD when she was little. At the same time she would fall all over other members of my family/extended family being sickeningly nice.

My brother and sil live 12 hours away so we don't see each other often.

My sister did not get invited to this event either. So why invite my daughter? She is not close with her cousins. She tries to keep in touch but they don't bother.

Was this another passive aggressive way to hurt my feelings?

I have spent a lot of time trying to think of what I might have done to upset her and I can't come up with anything. I get nervous around people with strong personalities like sil and become A little flustered and awkward and sometimes say dumb things because I am trying too hard. So, maybe there is something I did?

Why do I care? I have been in tears all morning. Is it really so hard to be nice? I would like to put things behind us and move on and enjoy the rest of our lives instead of holding on to anger and negativity but it does not seem like that is going to happen. I have tried.

If she was asked about why she didn't invite me I am sure she would say she knew I wouldn't come and put it on me. This party is for my favorite niece and I would/would have liked to send her a gjft.

If you made if through this thank you!!!

Zebra, my wonderful grandmother had a saying and I still live by it. "Some people just need a good letting-alone."

IF your daughter wants to go (12 hours away??) then tell her to go. But if I were in your shoes, the both of you should give this toxic relative a "good letting alone."

Thanks Jeanie. My dd is not going. She wanted to let them know she will not be attending since the rest of the family was not included. I told her not to. Sil will probably enjoy knowing that it bothered us.

I need to take your grandmothers advice. I wish I was one of those people with a thick skin. I'm not and never have been even as a child. I love meeting new people and making friends. I think there is so much to learn and enjoy from getting to know people. I don't understand nonsense.

I think I'd send a little gift with a nice note. If SIL was trying to be ugly, it shows that she didn't get to you - if that was her aim, and would let your favorite niece know that you're thinking of her.

As for DD, I think I'd ask her not to say anything, for the same reason. ETA: Looks like you're already on the same page!

Are you close enough with your brother to ask him if SIL has an issue with you?

[This message edited by SacredSoul33 at 7:39 PM, Tuesday, August 1st]

Thanks scaredsoul.

It's hard to explain my relationship with my brother. He used to have moments where he could be kind of a bully but he could also be very funny and fun. I would get nervous and try very hard to please him and make him like me. He gets along well with my H. I would not feel comfortable talking to him. I'm not sure why.

As I type all this out I am seeing that I am really pathetic.

They asked my H to be a God parent and not me. They asked a friend instead.

Friend, you are not pathetic. It sounds like they're jerks.

Thank you.

You do not sound pathetic. You sound you like have a family full of FOO. I do too.
Only my sibling refuse to see it.

Keep protecting your peace of mind and remind yourself that you don’t have to actually like or be friends with your family. You can love them as family, but keep a safe distance for you.

I think I'd send a little gift with a nice note. If SIL was trying to be ugly, it shows that she didn't get to you - if that was her aim, and would let your favorite niece know that you're thinking of her.

This ^^^ I was going to suggest the same. I would send your niece a gift and let it be. You would look like the bigger person and not let it affect you. The way your SIL acts is reflection of herself.

Thanks BB. I know you're right but for some reason I still get my feelings hurt. I only talk/text my brother on holidays and birthdays. I stopped trying for more. I used to wish my sil A happy birthday but I would never hear from her on my birthday so I stopped. I haven't seen her in eight years. I don't know why she would care to hurt me anymore. We don't see each other or talk.

Thanks crazyblindsided. I will not let them know they hurt me. I just have to make sure dd is on the same page. She is angry on my behalf which I appreciate but I want her to be the bigger person as you said. She has my blessing to go but due to her work schedule and the distance she hadn't planned on going. She just assumed I was invited.

You are all so kind to take the time to reply. I appreciate you all!!!

How did the party go?

Did your daughter go?

What did you decide to do?

I don't think the party has happened yet.

I'm still debating about sending a card with money. In a way I feel like it makes me look and feel pathetic. Like somehow I am trying to be a part of their celebration even though I wasn't invited to be there.

I cannot come up with any good reason for them to invite DD and not me. I would never invite their kids to an event and not them.

My DD is angry about them not inviting me. She was not planning on going because of the distance.

Life is too short for this nonsense.

I know I need to forget about it.

Thank you for asking.

I cannot come up with any good reason for them to invite DD and not me.

I think you were probably right in your first post that it's just another way for your SIL to snipe at you and hurt your feelings. It'd be easier to swallow if you knew why started being ugly to you way back when. Unless you're willing to ask her, it's probably best to write this off as just another asshole move from a mean girl. It's not about you. It's about her.

I know you are right.

You are also right that it would help if I knew what happened to change things. I have spent time going over things and I can't come up with anything. If I did do something wrong I would like to make it right. She did many hurtful things and I have always been willing to give the benefit of the doubt and put things behind us and move forward.

She is popular, successful as is my brother, they have a beautiful home and they appear to have many friends and a full life. We live 12 hours apart. Why would she care to think about or want to hurt me? I am nobody to her. We haven't spoken in eight years.

Am I just supposed to pretend this didn't happen if something comes up in the future? If I am invited to something in the future, if I attend am I being the bigger person or am I letting people deal on me?

I am 100% positive she would deny doing anything. She would laugh and say oh goodness I must have forgot, invitation got lost, I didn't invite you because you have been traveling. She is very good at making me look like an ass. I am not good at or want to play games. She can put me in my place and come out smelling like a rose after hurting me and I am left scratching my head wondering what I did wrong.

Assuming that they will never change, do you even want to have a relationship with them? Maybe it would be empowering for you to mentally write them off as people whom you don't like and don't care to associate with anymore.

I could write her off. As far as my brother, it depends what his involvement is if any.

If I did write them off and there was a wedding or something, do I expect my DD and my sister who I am super close with to also not go? If my brother comes here for an event or visit do I not go? I don't know how to do this.

I live in very close proximity to the family member my brother stays with. It's impossible for me to avoid being around if he is here, which is not often any more. In the past I would just stuff my feelings, smile and enjoy the kids.

They used to stay with me. I would try very hard to make things just right for them. I thought I was putting out nice towels and they said,"are you still using these awful scratchy things?" I would buy all the food and drinks they liked only to find they didn't like them anymore. They made up an excuse that was a blatant lie to explain why they were no longer going to stay with me and instead stay with my sibling. I have no idea what I did other than subject them to my crappy, scratchy towels.

Thank you for your input. Your feedback is helping and it's helping to remember and write some of this out. Over the years I stuffed a lot of the hurt down. My family would not see how I was being treated and try to minimize it so I would end up feeling bad and responsible for keeping everyone happy.

My goodness, aren't they just the tackiest? Proof that money can't buy class!

You can sort of write them off emotionally without having to cut ties with them completely.

Case in point: I used to play roller derby and one of my teammates was super shitty to another teammate, who's a very good friend. We JUST had a sort of homecoming celebration on Saturday and the shitty teammate was there. (Very Good Friend was not in attendance, or I probably would have just avoided Shitty Teammate entirely out of solidarity.) I said hello, gave her a little hug, and played nice the whole night so that it didn't get weird with the whole team, but we both know that we're not friends and we're not going to be friends.

You can do that with your brother and SIL, should you happen to see them at family functions. Play nice, like they're just acquaintances. It's so empowering to reframe their place in your life. They're not nice people and are not worthy of being in your inner circle. It's not them ostracizing you - it's YOU putting them in their place in your level of intimacy circles, if you will. Inner circle is best friends and close family; next level is friends and family you like; next level is people like hairdressers or coworkers; next level is the cashier at the grocery store. Brother and SIL are in cashier level, or maybe even outside of that. They don't matter that much. You don't care what they think.

Southern women are typically very good at this. It might seem hypocritical, but it's really kind of empowering if you're not the type to tell someone directly that they're being an ass.

"You can sort of write them off emotionally without having to cut ties with them completely."

I like this.

"Brother and SIL are in cashier level"

This is a good way to think about it. I'm pleasant to the cashier and wish them well but don't have any expectations of them and interactions are short and sweet. I will definitely file this away for the next time I have to interact with them.

Thank you so much. Your posts were very helpful!! This stuff does not come naturally to me.

This is a good way to think about it. I'm pleasant to the cashier and wish them well but don't have any expectations of them and interactions are short and sweet. I will definitely file this away for the next time I have to interact with them.

YES! Bingo! That's it, exactly.

High five, my friend!