SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Everything changed forever when you started the affair.

OBM,
What is most helpful to you here? You are getting a lot of different people trying to reach you in a lot of different ways. Everyone has different preferences. You have the ability here to turn on the "Stop" sign which will mean that only formerly wayward members will be able to respond to you. Think of this as your Miranda rights If the kick in the pants messages are helping you, then have no doubt you can have them in spades. But if it is more like the kindness of WOES last question, you have options. You came to us. We want the good of you and your wife and kids. How can we best help you do the right thing?

I’m trying to detach/distance myself and the AP. Still working together at the moment, waiting for an opportunity to change work place.

Are you taking action to get to a different workplace? Are you job hunting? Are you sending resumes? Probably the easiest way to get out of your A is to let it die organically by creating distance. That's not what most people here are going to advise you to do, but it is an option. Ending the affair is priority #1.

You came to us. We want the good of you and your wife and kids. How can we best help you do the right thing?

Yes, this. We want to help you live an authentic life that you can feel proud about.

What did you mean when you said you are trying to detach from AP?

Im here for a reason, I want to hear what other people have to say about this situation, read and listen to all the suggestions and apply whatever I feel like fit me at the moment, what I can do at the moment. Y'all gave your time and a lot of things, ideas to think about. I really appreciated, I don't mind the 2x4s from some.
It's hard, very hard (for me). WS will understand.
I have another headache today. Been depressed and a lot of headaches lately.
Waiting for my wonderful wife to get home from work. will take her out for dinner (a date, she said)

Will she try to make the last move by going nuclear before I decide (if I do)to tell my wife? I don’t know

This hits home with me. When we are in the thick of it, it’s easy to feel or think that we can control the outcome even in wildly uncontrollable situations.

One thing I can tell you for certain is that we can not control the actions of our APs. We have somehow managed to put trust in people that have been engaged in behavior that isn’t trustworthy.

I wish I had had the strength at the time to tell my husband about my affair. My AP made the decision to out us in a very public way. I had no say in how he found out. It is something that haunts me to this day.

We have managed to work through it, however the work involved could have been alleviated somewhat had I come to him voluntarily.

Please believe me when I say that your wife knows that something is wrong. She is wondering what she is doing wrong and how she could change it.

There will never be a "good" time to tell her, but telling her could be the kindest thing you can do in this situation. Give her the respect and agency to make her own decision about whether or not she wants to continue in this marriage.

I guarantee that once you do, any difficulty you have been having from separating yourself from your AP will dissipate.

I can tell that you want to do the right thing. Take that leap. We are here to catch you.

I have another headache today. Been depressed and a lot of headaches lately.

Headaches can have a multitude of causes, but if you are having chronic headaches, you should consult with your doctor to get yourself checked out and to make sure there is nothing seriously wrong with you. I used to suffer from recurring headaches but I've been able to isolate it to my hydration/electrolyte levels and certain foods in my diet. Anymore when I get a headache, instead of reaching for Tylenol/Advil, I reach for a Gatorade and it usually clears right up.

As for the depression, I hate to point out the obvious, but the fact that you betrayed yourself and your wife play a large role in this. Have you considered seeing a therapist to work on yourself? You will certainly be needing a good therapist for any chance at a sustainable and successful reconciliation.

I don't mind the 2x4s from some.
Waiting for my wonderful wife to get home from work. will take her out for dinner (a date, she said)

Okay, so incoming 2x4, I have to ask, who are these words for, you? The SI community? your AP? Don't feel like you have to put up a performative front on here for our benefit. I have to think that if you truly felt that your wife was a wonderful woman that you would recognize that you cannot continue your affair for another bloody minute, let alone the months that have passed since your initial post.

I’m afraid of what will happen to my wife when she finds out. Everything will change forever.
I’m trying to detach/distance myself and the AP. Still working together at the moment, waiting for an opportunity to change work place.
Will she try to make the last move by going nuclear before I decide (if I do)to tell my wife? I don’t know

Everything in your marriage has already changed. Whether you are aware of it or not you have placed distance between yourself and this wonderful woman that you call your wife. If it were me, and remember, I'm on the WS forum posting, because I've been in your shoes, I would not continue to let some gutter trash AP come between me and my best gal. Your wife has already noticed the changes, but what is likely driving her mad is that she can't put her finger on what is going on. Depending on how good of a poker faced liar you are, she could be attributing it to a stressful work situation or it could be chalked up to another rational explanation. I can assure you that things have already changed and you both are aware of it, but your wife is likely in the dark as to why. The longer this charade continues, the more inquisitive your wife is going to become, because without answers as to why there is a shift in your behavior, she is going to continue to be curious, maybe to the point where she hires a PI to start digging into things, which will inevitably lead to discovery.

There is no telling what your AP will do. Clearly she is not bothered by the fact that she is wrecking a home for your wife and your babies. She may feel you pulling away and detaching and feel that she is losing you and the more that continues, desperation could set in and we've seen it happen plenty of times around here where the scorned AP decides to tell the BW to see if they can shake the the WH to leave their wife and go live with them in AP/WS fantasyland with rainbow farting unicorns.

Bottom line:
You are wise enough to know that your affair must end. You are fearful at this moment of how that will look and that fear is quite literally derived from the fear of the all the unknowns and more importantly, uncontrollable players and pieces involved in this. If you continue your current plan of a slow-ish draw down, each day is a ticking time bomb of will she or won't she tell your wife and having to live on pins and needles for that other shoe to drop. It is a plan that really has no plan, which is itself an actual plan, but you are just hoping your AP cooperates and doesn't go nuclear on your wife.

You are in a position that very few waywards are in, you at the moment are seemingly in control of disclosure. If your wife as wonderful as you mentioned and those aren't just words, than I would think that you would be inclined to do everything you possibly could to keep her in your life. Statistically speaking, by letting your wife know about your affair through a voluntary disclosure, you stand the best chance at reconciliation. That is not to say that if your wife discovers it on her own and/or is told by the AP that you cannot reconcile, but you will start out any R journey at a significant disadvantage compared to self-disclosure.

Statistically speaking, by letting your wife know about your affair through a voluntary disclosure, you stand the best chance at reconciliation. That is not to say that if your wife discovers it on her own and/or is told by the AP that you cannot reconcile, but you will start out any R journey at a significant disadvantage compared to self-disclosure.

I can't hammer this home hard enough. There's huge healing power in confession, for you and, long term, for your W. Even though you'd be confessing to something that violated trust and is hugely painful, the trust will likely already be starting to reform almost from the outset because you outed yourself instead of getting caught. My H's confession and subsequent dedication to telling the truth, even when it was hard to say or hear, is what made me willing to try R.

A comment on "drawing down" the affair.

My WS tried that route. Made himself less available. Starting saying no to meetups. Would "ghost" her for weeks or even a couple of months. She threatened to start dating other people. He encouraged her. He believed if she ended it, it would be a peaceful end and I'd never know.

Thing is, she got clingier and angrier. Some stalking ensued. She started breaking "the rules" in order to reach him. He was convinced she was recording him. Eventually, he had to pull the trigger and end it.

Within minutes, she called me and told me everything.

Drawing down doesn't work. It's a dangerous game and one that will hurt your wife most of all.

When I confronted my WS he said that he hoped she'd go away quietly and we would move on to happy. I told him that was a pipe dream. Because for the rest of his life, he'd be looking over his shoulder for her. Worse, whenever she wanted to reach out and "catch up" he'd have to oblige for fear of retaliation.

A secret ending, is no ending at all.

Good point, TheEnd. Thanks for setting ME straight.

The fact you're here shows you are getting ready to do the right thing. I am guessing you spent a long time just pretending it wasn't happening.

I am sorry for the depression and headaches. My WS was like you in the fact that he desperately wanted to tell me but didn't know how to.

I can tell you three things that might be relevant.

The first one is that he had a pretty short affair (a few months) and in that time, the guilt gave him health problems. He started getting stomach issues, depression etc. because he couldn't handle the guilt. After the A ended, of course the poop hit the fan and what went from mildly stressful escalated overnight to a raging affair partner going nuclear and a completely destroyed BS. He got sicker quite quickly and four months after DDay had a complete breakdown. Now, two and a half years on from that, he developed Lupus and PTSD and it will take a long time to get better if ever). So please take steps to take care of your health. First of all, put in place solid support for yourself. Do you have an counsellor? If not, please get one so you are not alone and can offload the stress. Next, please just think over doing this in a controlled way so it's not sprung on you like a bomb.

The second one is that I really, really, really wish my WS had told me the truth earlier instead of letting the AP do it on her way out the door. It would have caused significantly less damage to me and the relationship if he had found a way to do that.

The third one is that his overwhelming emotion after I found out was relief. He didn't actually like lying and sneaking around and being pressured. From there out he was able to restore the intimacy and bond with me and he wished he'd done it much sooner.

I’m afraid of what will happen to my wife when she finds out. Everything will change forever.

I’m trying to detach/distance myself and the AP. Still working together at the moment, waiting for an opportunity to change work place.

Will she try to make the last move by going nuclear before I decide (if I do)to tell my wife? I don’t know

You ALREADY changed them forever. You are already stealing from her bank account and spending the money on cocaine and hookers with no way to return that money, and she just hasn't found out yet. Every day you DON'T tell her, you steal more money from the account.

I get the appeal of weening off an addiction, but in the case of an affair, the best bet is to just rip the damn band-aid off. You will struggle with every contact and every decision you make with or about the AP. You will be free of retaliation concerns if you come clean to your wife.

Successfully ending the A quietly, then taking this lie to your grave is not saving your wife. It is continuing to steal from her, for the rest of her life. Maybe she won't know because she just doesn't keep track of her money well, but you will be a thief and remain a thief that is doing ongoing damage. The benefactor of a successful deception is YOU and only YOU.

Sending strength for you to come clean.

[This message edited by This0is0Fine at 5:53 PM, Tuesday, September 26th]

I get the appeal of weening off an addiction, but in the case of an affair, the best bet is to just rip the damn band-aid off. You will struggle with every contact and every decision you make with or about the AP. You will be free of retaliation concerns if you come clean to your wife.

As someone who has the the distinct experience of driving family to drug and alcohol rehab, we didn't stop along the way for an eye opener or take little bumps just to ween them off. We went completely cold turkey. In the case of my younger brother, the second time he went to treatment, my Dad needed my muscle and size to wrangle my still half shit-faced brother into the car and down the road to rehab. The same is true of affairs, you don't need to ween yourself off the AP, you just end things, go NC and never look back. In the case of the OP, since he works with the AP, that will make NC tougher, but he says that he is looking for a new line of work, which is something he should probably be willing to do now anyways. I would never recommend that one quit their job without another job to land in, especially if that salary is what provides for the whole family, but going NC with the AP will be a non-negotiable part of any successful R.

It makes sense for a variety of addictive (physically and mentally) substances to not be quit entirely cold turkey.

Alcohol can have deadly withdrawal effects for highly addicted people. Cold turkey can work.

Taking them "kicking and screaming" to rehab is fine, but rehab might administer some alcohol to ween/taper them off.

Sorry if this is a T/J.

Either way, an affair isn't something that benefits from being tapered away.

I’m really sorry that you find yourself in this situation.

BS here.

What I am about to say might sound mean, but I certainly don’t mean it that way.

I don’t believe that you’re ready to end the affair.

I believe that you are willing to continue to hurt your wife, even if she is unaware at this point.

When you say that you don’t tell her because you don’t want to hurt her, I believe you’re trying to avoid the hurt that it will cause YOU. (I am sure my experience has something to do with this belief that I have. But I truly believe that many times when someone doesn’t want to "hurt their spouse" they really don’t want to hurt themselves.)

Because you will be hurt when you tell your wife. You will have to watch her pain. You might end up divorced. If you have children, you might become a part-time dad.

It sounds to me that at this point, you don’t want those things to happen to YOU. And so you don’t tell her.

I would say that more than being afraid or being a coward, it seems that you are selfish. You want to save yourself the pain of knowing how you have hurt her and of seeing her hurt. I think you care more about the pain it will cause you, than the pain it will cause your wife.

I am not sure what makes you think that she will not find out on her own. I guess there are some people who never find out, but most do. Then, on top of being unfaithful to her, she has to find out in that way, and know that you have been withholding this information from her.

I am 17 years post infidelity. My husband‘s infidelity. We are still married, legally. There were many hurts involved in what he did. But the greatest hurt that I feel to this day, is that he stole from me the ability to having knowledge about my own life. There are things he will not tell me. He says he forgot. Whatever excuse he has. So part of my own life is blacked out to me. The only way he could ever make that right, is if he told me everything, and if he had come clean to me rather than me finding out.

I believe that when you are truly ready to do something loving for HER, you will be truthful to her. You will let her make decisions about her own life. Decisions based on the truth. Not on what she thinks is true.

But before you will be ready to tell her, you will have to decide to put HER first. Not yourself.

Again, I hope that when you read my words you can hear concern and resolve in them… Not anger and accusations or name-calling.

I truly hope you are able to get through this awful time in your life, and that you keep your wife in mind, and help make it the least painful that it can possibly be to HER.

Sorry…double post.

[This message edited by WhatsRight at 11:12 PM, Tuesday, September 26th]

Please don’t let my post be the end of this thread. I am guessing because no one is responding, that my post was inappropriate.

If so, I apologize. I certainly didn’t mean to kill the thread.

What'sRight, I don't think you're a threadkiller. And I agree with what you said. A confession is the gift of truth to the BS.

But the greatest hurt that I feel to this day, is that he stole from me the ability to having knowledge about my own life.

Amen. My H confessed in our 16th year to three As, the first of which was less than two years after we married. I was extremely hurt and angry, but I was also glad to be able to finally make sense of things that just didn't seem quite right over the years. The gaslighting stopped and the truth was given, and that made all the difference to me. His confession was a gift.

I am not sure if all BS's feel the same way, but I felt like Sacred did. The minute the damage to me was over was when I was no longer being gaslit or cheated on. The moment you stop the affair completely and tell your spouse the full truth is really the minute the damage stops being inflicted on her.

Mods,
Please delete this thread per my request, or at least lock it.
I just wanna say thank you to all the people spent their time to give me the advices. I really appreciated