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Newest Member: IHateEverything

Divorce/Separation :
WH giving up in favor of divorce

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Abalone123 ( member #82896) posted at 9:14 AM on Wednesday, June 21st, 2023

Fold, I am disappointed for you, what a coward.

On the positive side, you will finally have the clarity to move ahead. You will have also indirectly dissociated yourself from the shame of his actions, specially if he is declared guilty.

I totally understand how unsettling and daunting the situation feels right now. I hope and pray that everything falls into place and you transition into your new life smoothly. Your kids will be fine, we underestimate how strong and adaptable kids are.

Please take care. Lots of hugs and best wishes for you .

posts: 193   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2023
id 8796234
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 Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 2:16 PM on Wednesday, June 21st, 2023

Darkness: I hope so too. He is a good father in many ways. Outside of the whole cheat on their mom and put her physical, mental, and emotional health at risk. We are committed to coparenting and neither of us would ever talk poorly of the other to the kids. At the least he is evolved on that front. He will come visit when he is able and if and when he relocated a year or so from now to the same region he has the opportunity to be more involved outside of the every other weekend schedule.

posts: 227   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2023
id 8796252
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 Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 2:26 PM on Wednesday, June 21st, 2023

Thank you, Abalone. Your support means a lot to me.

I didn’t think I could be disappointed in him after all he has destroyed but I will admit it is a special kind of deep disappointment that he is willing to walk away because it is what is easiest for him. Maybe I should not be so stunned, but I still really am. I think I was just hoping he’d wind up to have more depth or willingness to try. Even if it didn’t work out or if I’d decline and say I wanted to divorce, or honestly even if it was just fake reconciliation… it would have shown me there was still the person inside I had thought he was, you know?

In general, there simply seems to be a huge emotional disconnect between really addressing what he has done and what he keeps saying that he loves me, wants a happy marriage with me. Unless it is all a lie? I feel like he is just disassociating himself from it all. Like I wrote earlier in my post, I will never have a complete understanding of why he cheated, but almost worse than everything he has done is how he is treating me now with what feels like a real lack of empathy. I think it is just to protect himself: he doesn’t want to talk about it, doesn’t want to address it, and I’m the only one who is calling him out because nobody else knows what he did. He’s choosing to cut himself away from having to deal with it and in the process is willingly signing away his family.

Who knows what he is telling his therapist or what he will tell friends and family. He could easily just flip it to make himself more of a victim or so he doesn’t have others asking him hard questions about why he chose to walk away. It doesn’t matter I know. I hope for his sake and the kids sake that he takes a hard look, sometime, and makes adjustments to who he is that will make him a better person and in turn a better father. But it’s out of my control like so much else.

posts: 227   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2023
id 8796255
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Beachgirl73 ( member #74764) posted at 3:13 PM on Wednesday, June 21st, 2023

Fold,

Maybe once you get an acceptable separation agreement in place you should out him to everyone so he can’t become the victim. I wouldn’t let him get away with this.

Sending hugs. You are doing great given your circumstances.

posts: 106   ·   registered: Jul. 3rd, 2020
id 8796269
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 3:25 PM on Wednesday, June 21st, 2023

Want to offer you one very boring, sad but practical piece of advice:
If his charge could lead him to lose his pension then focus on tangible assets in the divorce.
In a "normal" divorce his pension would be seen as a marital asset, and a judge could decide that you are entitled to XX% of it.
At the moment and UNTILL judgement is passed he has that asset. It can’t be taken off the table as a marital asset simply because he "might" lose it. Taking it off the table would be like taking his shares in Apple off the table because the company might be out of business in 2025.

But… the risk is there. So minimize your risk by requesting more of savings, more of assets, less of debt… Basically leaving him with his pension IF he keeps it after sentencing.

Remember – it’s not about being "nice" and not even about being "fair". He wasn’t thinking about being "fair" when he decided to risk it all with OW. As a single male – irrespective of how the legal and professional issues go – he has an easier time rebuilding his savings, pension and all that even if he had to give you a disproportionate amount of tangible assets in the settlement.
Of course if the charges are dismissed he can live relatively cheaply on base for some time, if he is sentenced for sexual assault his meals and lodging in brig will be free, and if discharged he only has himself to see to. If he get’s out with his pension intact… well… he might even come out financially positive

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 11802   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8796272
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BallofAnxiety ( member #82853) posted at 3:26 PM on Wednesday, June 21st, 2023

I didn’t think I could be disappointed in him after all he has destroyed but I will admit it is a special kind of deep disappointment that he is willing to walk away because it is what is easiest for him. Maybe I should not be so stunned, but I still really am. I think I was just hoping he’d wind up to have more depth or willingness to try. Even if it didn’t work out or if I’d decline and say I wanted to divorce, or honestly even if it was just fake reconciliation… it would have shown me there was still the person inside I had thought he was, you know?

I hear this completely. There is something especially hurtful when your spouse betrays you and then walks away; it's like we're not even good enough to fight for. With that said, I am mostly grateful that has been the case for me. I'm much further in the healing process than I would have expected because it was a clean break, but it still hurts he didn't care enough to try.

ONS 2006; 1 year+ A (DDay 1/2023).Separated and divorcing.

posts: 114   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8796273
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 Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 8:11 PM on Wednesday, June 21st, 2023

BeachGirl: thanks for your note. The divorce petition has been filed and his counsel is reviewing the temporary orders (custody, support and separation) today. I’m glad the paperwork will be complete soon (unless he has changes which hopefully he does not). My attorney is working on the divorce agreement and once ready will forward that to his counsel. The intent is that we have everything signed and submitted by the end of this month, barring how far his side works and if there are changes.

Once we have things ironed out then I will likely begin to tell more people. I’m not going to like make an announcement, but I will say my goodbyes to a few friends here and then quietly move. I’ll tell people in my circle in time. And I’ll maybe stay quiet for some time for the military connected friends. I don’t need to stir anything when it is in best interest not to discuss. For both of us.

I will let him decide when and how he tells his family. They don’t no the reason for his dismissal, other than he is facing an accusation that he claims as false. So they have no idea that he cheated on me. He of course, will have to come clean because they are directly linked. But I will give him the opportunity to talk to his parents, and his siblings first, and then I hope that I will have an opportunity to speak with them also on my own.

posts: 227   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2023
id 8796317
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 Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 8:17 PM on Wednesday, June 21st, 2023

Bigger: I appreciate your very good advice. You are right, until everything is signed and sealed, the mostly amicable agreements we have made up to this point can be changed.

The way everything is structured is definitely to my advantage. That is because I am the aggrieved party, because he is requesting the divorce, even though I am the petitioner, and because I am financially disadvantaged from supporting his career as we moved internationally multiple times over the last several years.

So long as the terms we have initially agreed with our finalized, I am happy with the division of our assets. I will walk away with better finances (I came into the marriage with 75% of our combined savings) but have fewer career opportunities due to my gap in employment and now being a primary single caregiver. He will walk away with fewer savings but more career opportunities (unless you know prison).

We have also agreed to terms for child, support and alimony that are better than standard. And while we are each keeping our individual retirement plans, if he is in prison, and he will forfeit is in a lump payment to me. He also will take out a half million dollar life insurance policy with me as a sole beneficiary, so if something happens to him, the kids will still have financial support.

posts: 227   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2023
id 8796319
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 Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 8:26 PM on Wednesday, June 21st, 2023

BallOfAnxiety: It helps to hear that you can identify with the same feelings I have about how this decision unfolded, although, of course, my heart is so heavy that you have had to endure some thing similar. It just continues to be a total head scratcher. If he had told me that he hadn’t been happy, I wasn’t attracted anymore, I didn’t want to stay married, I would get it. It would hurt, but I would get it. But the fact that he’s claiming how happy he was, how much he still loves me, how much he wants to be with me but he just can’t do it? It’s just totally confusing. He’s basically shut down emotionally, even more than a few weeks ago. I’m sure he is in self preservation mode, but it hurts, and it is just really really sad overall.

I’m glad you have your experience a bit more in the rearview, and I hope that you are doing well and working to recover from such a traumatic situation. I certainly will be hoping to start making some progress once the dust begins to settle here. I just don’t have the ability or bandwidth to do much other than post here and speak with my therapist and a couple of close friends. I am scrambling to find a place to rent and movers. I just want to get away from this area and hunker down with my kids.

posts: 227   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2023
id 8796322
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Beachgirl73 ( member #74764) posted at 4:03 PM on Thursday, June 22nd, 2023

Fold,

I really don’t have much to say other than everyone here supports you and feels your pain. I think we’ve all been impressed at how you’ve handled this so far, but that doesn’t lessen the hurt that you must feel.

Continuing to send positive thoughts and hugs to you. ❤️

posts: 106   ·   registered: Jul. 3rd, 2020
id 8796431
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 Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 6:44 PM on Thursday, June 22nd, 2023

Thank you, BeachGirl. It’s nice to hear that.

I have an application in to an apartment across the country and am hoping it works out. There are several applicants and odds are not in my favor; I’ve offered to pay an extra month to curry favor. There are ten times more applicants than inventory and it’s super competitive. I could certainly use something going in my favor.

The only other progress I’ve made today is going through all of our files, photos, cards, and paperwork. I used the ornamental box we used as our wedding card box to fill it with all of his things, all the wedding pictures (I have some scanned for our kids), and added all of the saved love letters he’d written then left in the guest room for him to find when he is home tonight. I’m sure he will toss it all but whatever. It’s separated from my stuff.

All of this just continues to be so unbelievably sad and jarring and stressful. I know I am a broken record, but how did we go from being happily married six weeks ago to having filed for divorce and me moving across the country in the next few weeks. I feel like a stranger watching the shittiest Lifetime movie.

posts: 227   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2023
id 8796456
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ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 7:51 PM on Thursday, June 22nd, 2023

I didn’t think I could be disappointed in him after all he has destroyed but I will admit it is a special kind of deep disappointment that he is willing to walk away because it is what is easiest for him.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. sad

What sticks out for me though is this part above. You've said it over and over again that your WH just doesn't want to do the work, that he's giving up because that's what's easy for him, and I'm assuming that he's telling you something along those lines, 'he can't win so he gives up or whatever'. Sometimes though, when we find ourselves shaking our heads and unable to believe what we're hearing, it's because the story isn't really credible. Whether this is the story he's telling you, or the story you're telling yourself, it's possible that your discomfort is coming from an underlying suspicion that you don't have the whole truth.

At the bottom line, what it looks like from this side of the keyboard is that this guy doesn't want to be married with children anymore. Whether that's about living his life as a bachelor, pursuing other women, shucking off responsibilities, or just being alone, he DOES have a choice and he's actively utilizing it. His choice is to dissolve the family unit. His excuse is that he doesn't see it working out anyway. These are two different things. Action. Excuse. Not always honest and not always interconnected.

It's possible that you don't have this guy's real reasons, and that's okay. You don't need them. The important bit is that he flaked. His excuses are just a deflection from the bottom line fact that he flaked.

((big hugs))

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 8

posts: 6915   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8796468
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 Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 10:04 PM on Thursday, June 22nd, 2023

Chamomile: thank you for your thoughtful note. There are some good items of wisdom here.

I agree that actions and words/excuses can often be misaligned, and this is certainly the case here. He could be lying that he wants to be married, have the family, and was happy and loved me. Maybe he doesn't and just doesn't want to hurt me further. Or maybe its true but he has more on his conscience (other affairs, other lies) that he doesn't want to have uncovered or for him to have to address. Or maybe he is just cutting his losses and if it is not a sure bet he doesn't want to have a hand in the game. I don't know, I will likely never know. It both matters and doesn't at the same time, right?

He has made his decision to cheat and his decision to end the marriage and his decision not to do the work. He has put himself first in all of these decisions, and now he will have the opportunity to continue to do that, without having to answer to anyone. Until he finds the next wife, that is, I suppose.

The change from six weeks ago remains so stark. Somebody who I believed to be good intentioned, empathetic, a strong communicator, a good father, a good leader. Somebody who cared about me. And the person I see and am getting now is the complete opposite. It feels very much like a Robocop move: marriage over, decision made, moving on. Without much consideration for the body count left behind. This hurts a lot. Maybe on par or more some days with everything else he has done to hurt me with his infidelity and the fallout it caused. The lack of remorse and empathy. I deserve more. I deserve like anything to be said or done to help soothe me or support me. And there is just nothing there. I mean, he has cried a few times, but he sees me in tears multiple times a day and just keeps to himself if I am in proximity. It feels so sudden and truly like he is a completely different person. That in itself feels like another betrayal and another trauma.

posts: 227   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2023
id 8796483
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Blackbird25 ( member #82766) posted at 5:23 AM on Friday, June 23rd, 2023

Fold,
I’m so sorry you find yourself at this juncture. I had hope that he had it in him to fight for you, to fight for the M, for your family, the kids. Now I’m just pissed off for you. You said it best in an earlier post - he lit the whole family on fire, then gets to walk away, while you get to handle all the details - the move, kids’ school, relocation, finding a new home, a new job. I had hope that he had it in him to be better, to do better. Nope. Just another coward. I am in awe at the grace in which you handled all of this - but I can sense deep pain from you. You can’t tell me that he doesn’t sense it as well. Selfish coward. You deserve so much better Fold. Please continue to update us. I hope you find peace and happiness in your new town. I also hope you find that freedom to walk in a store and not feel every eye upon you, judging you. A place where you’re just "anonymous Fold" not "wife of cheating mr fold". Wishing you all the best.

Me: BS Him: WHDDay#1: 5/2012 (EA 3mos, PA 1 month)DDay#2: 12/26/22 (EA, 1 wk), Reconciling and doing well

posts: 138   ·   registered: Jan. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8796528
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 6:36 PM on Friday, June 23rd, 2023

Fold123, I'm sorry that you find yourself here but probably the kindest and healthiest thing your husband has done for you is pull the plug now, rather than drag you along through months or years of ambivalence or false wreckonciliation, which is a special kind of hell that you have blessedly been spared.

I know his behavior seems like a complete about-face from the person you thought you knew only weeks ago, but I think once you have some time and distance from him and are able to reflect back on your relationship, you will start to recall many red flags and instances of selfish, entitled, and reckless behavior that didn't seem like a big deal at the time or for which you gave him the benefit of the doubt, but that you will eventually recognize as indicative of deep flaws in his character. This was certainly my experience, post divorce.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1603   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8796668
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Brokenself ( new member #83502) posted at 9:18 PM on Friday, June 23rd, 2023

Fold123
I am truly sorry you and your children are going through this, I don’t know if you are religious but keep praying he is listening. My thought is he gave up so easily because he knows what kind of a coward he is and he doesn’t deserve the beautiful family that he destroyed. I have always believed "to be in your children’s memories tomorrow, you need to be in their lives today" make new beautiful memories with your children, that will live on forever. Take it day by day until the wounds stop gushing, again I am sorry. I’ll be praying for your heart and soul for strength to carry you through this trepidation.

posts: 17   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2023
id 8796684
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 Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 12:46 AM on Saturday, June 24th, 2023

Blackbird: I appreciate you and your kind message of support.

I am pissed for me too TBH. He just is taking the seemingly easy way out. He doesn’t see it working and doesn’t desire to try. He can explain it to me, or to himself or to others however, he wants, but the bottom line is, despite his insistence that I am worth fighting for, and the kids are worth fighting for, he isn’t going to do it. And again, not that I thought it was going to work either, but it hurts still.

I am profoundly hurt and I know it may take me a long time, maybe forever, to "move past" this series of traumas. I will need to start telling people (not everything, but the basics) since the kids and I are moving, and each time it will be painful and hurt again.

I also feel a great deal of shame. Even though I know that I am not at fault here for anything, I am still incredibly embarrassed that my marriage is ending, that it failed, that I am suddenly on the negative side of this statistic. I really enjoyed being married, being partnered, and what it stood for. And I really loved having our family unit intact of course. I just feel jealousy for others who have faithful partners and shame that I don’t and now I will be on my own.

posts: 227   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2023
id 8796702
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 Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 1:00 AM on Saturday, June 24th, 2023

Bluer: thanks for your words and support.

I do know that divorce is the right thing. This is not something that we can come back from to any baseline of normalcy or even companionship. I would never trust him, would always be looking over my shoulder, and would be constantly second-guessing what he was doing, or who he was talking to. Our marriage wasn’t perfect but we were happy or generally happy. I definitely had unhappy periods of time as he did, but I also felt that marriage is ups and downs and good and bad and if it’s not going great you work on it or work together, not get resigned to bad feelings or grudges… or you know turn to cheating.

He is (used to be) an empathetic person. He’d say and do thoughtful things, help others, be supportive and it always seemed genuine. But he spent a long time on his own (not seriously dating) and a long time being catered to at work by support staff and he got used to having people do a lot for him too. This and some ego coupled with just putting himself first too often probably made him feel entitled. He was never boastful or rude or talked down to anyone, but he enjoyed a certain level of privilege that came professionally. And he did have selfish tendencies — things we’d quibble over — he liked what he liked when he liked it and I guess that includes other cheaters, willing to gamble their families away. He probably felt he deserved to have sex with OW because she was willing and new and it was exciting, and because he worked hard and wanted some fun, because at home was a tired wife who probably was not fun to have sex with anymore, and when you’re on the road most of the time it’s not like the wife is an option anyway. I digress. Broken record again, still hurt, still reeling.

posts: 227   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2023
id 8796704
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 Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 1:03 AM on Saturday, June 24th, 2023

Broken: thank you for your kind message and your prayers. I am not overly religious but I appreciate the sentiment, and it feels good to know that a stranger is taking time to send me some positive vibes. I’ll take what I can get. I am really high in emotional needs right now and very aware of it. I am drinking gasoline to stay warm these days.

posts: 227   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2023
id 8796705
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HeartbreakInHawaii ( new member #80401) posted at 6:52 AM on Saturday, June 24th, 2023

Fold,

I just wanted to say I was very focused on the same thing - when push came to shove, my WS chose to give up and walk away from our life. Despite his insistence that I was it, that he loved me, that he loved us. That he wanted to atone, to be better, to be who I thought he was. After months, it was "for me" that he walked away. "So I could heal" while he worked on his own narcissistic bullshit. Because he knew we had so little likelihood of surviving what he did.

How could he -- after the way that he shattered me, after all that he promised me throughout our relationship?? How could he give up? Despite it all, I still wasn't at a place where I could so casually throw us away. Because I am a person with integrity. I'm a person who meant what I said when I told him I loved him. I believed in the life (I thought) we were building together. I'm a person who's core values are exactly what I said they were.

But him choosing to walk away was actually such an unlikely helpful step for me. It helped me accept that the relationship was done. Because he was telling me, for the first time in our relationship, what type of person he is. He was showing me that he only cares about himself, what's easy, what maintains his ego kibble collecting way of life. Why put in hard work for someone else, when you can just stay who you are and start with a blank slate and someone new who doesn't know better? He probably even convinced himself he'll be better in his next relationship, be the man he pretended to be. Who knows. But he finally showed me his true core values, and they are not the same as mine. He's a selfish, weak, desperately unhappy, delusional person. I am none of those things.

I know the pain and rejection you're feeling because of (yet another) choice of his. I still feel it sometimes. But then my logical brain reminds my heart that he did me a favour, showing me how incompatible we are. It just would have been nice if he did so BEFORE he wasted years of my life wink

posts: 29   ·   registered: Jun. 30th, 2022   ·   location: Canada
id 8796730
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