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Divorce/Separation :
And here we go

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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 10:40 PM on Tuesday, June 6th, 2023

Hi all.

So here I am in D & S. I can't give details about what's happening right now, just the basics, but I am in need of support. Wh is a member here and can read.

Here is the basics of whats happened so far.

Wh is under a no contact order due to a domestic assault charge.

The kids are with me at the house.

No custody order is in place yet.

Wh does have contact with them via phone/video.

When wh was arrested and released at work, he had taken the newer van to work so I was left with the older one that wasn't running right. My brother has since discovered the problem but he's on the hunt for my own vehicle that's in better shape. It's awful being stuck at the house relying on friends and family to drive me to town.

Wh and his former "lesbian" Co worker had a child together. He had been hiding this from me since an OC was an absolute deal breaker for me.

A divorce is proceeding.

Things are just going slow. I have been given resources and help but again, getting things going is a long dragged out process. At least things are moving forward.

The kids are coping as well as can be expected. They have so many questions that I can't answer and that for now, their dad can't either. It's a shitty situation.

How did ya'all manage to stay focused? Especially those with kids.

Please just keep reminding me that there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you everyone.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 25765   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8794198
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Pinkyxo ( member #43095) posted at 11:51 PM on Tuesday, June 6th, 2023

Hugs to you!!

I've told you before, I hate him!! mad

How old is the baby? How could they pull that off without people knowing?

I'm so sorry Dragn but, you will feel so much better without him, I promise!!

I hope you got first dibs on child support! What a fn dick mad

One foot in front of the other!Member since 2004ish?Formerly ZooMa.

posts: 87   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2014   ·   location: Florida :)
id 8794201
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 12:22 AM on Wednesday, June 7th, 2023

How old is the baby? How could they pull that off without people knowing?

I dont know how old he is. Wh sent a video of the baby to dd (yes ALL the kids know they have a half brother). I have no interest in seeing that video.

There was talk of her being pregnant last year. Wh text her asking him to call him. This was after she left work. He put her on speaker while I was there and asked if she was pregnant. She said no, she had had surgery.

Part of me wondered if they concocted the whole call to throw me off. Guess they did. Thing is I had a gut feeling she was pregnant and wh horrible behavior toward me this past year was evidence that he truely hated me.

I just dont understand why he didn't agree to a divorce. I have been wanting one for a long time, only didnt file, first because I didn't want to lose the farm and then money was short.

Now its all been started for me. I did not press charges. Police did. I had no decision in that.

Of course as soon as I found out about the OC any hope I had for R died. Even with all the horrible things wh has done to me I still had hope until the OC. Geez I'm such a sucker for punishment. Or was. Funny how weird it feels to go to sleep and not feel fear for my safety.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 25765   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8794202
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 1:28 AM on Wednesday, June 7th, 2023

I am so sorry you are going through this. But the feeling of safety when you sleep? That quiet peacefulness? Yeah, it is supposed to be like that all time. And when you get to the other side, it will be.

I am glad you have family nearby and are using all available resources. And I hope your WS makes it easy for you and the kids.
Hug a kid and a critter or two, and just take deep breaths and keep putting one foot in front of the other. You will get to the other side.
Promise.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6002   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8794212
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 1:55 AM on Wednesday, June 7th, 2023

So sorry you're going through this,and dirty for all the crap you've had to go through.

To help me concentrate, I did meditation. It really helps when my thoughts spiral and have a hard time concentrating.

The peace and contentment that comes is priceless.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3459   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8794215
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 2:00 AM on Wednesday, June 7th, 2023

I still haven't had a full night's sleep yet. Partly because I'm so used to getting up at 3:30 am with wh and partly due to nightmares.

The twins had their nineth birthday today. I wasnt given enough money this week for presents but they got a cake and my mom gave gift certificates for them to go shopping. Once I have a ride I'll take them to pick out what they want.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 25765   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8794217
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Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 2:42 AM on Wednesday, June 7th, 2023

Funny how weird it feels to go to sleep and not feel fear for my safety.


That's what true peace is. Or some piece of it, at least. With what you've been through, your mind is literally adjusting to being safe again.


Wh is under a no contact order due to a domestic assault charge.


And 'lesbian' COW decided to get pregnant and have a kid by him? Crazy things we do for love, I guess. Then again, crazy attracts crazy, apparently.


How did ya'all manage to stay focused? Especially those with kids.
Please just keep reminding me that there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

All I can say is just to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Make small term goals for yourself like what the first thing you look forward to when you're no longer legally bound to him is. Take comfort that your kids are safe and adjusting as well as they can. Take comfort in that he'll no longer be just another kid for you to look after one day.

posts: 556   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8794223
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 3:21 AM on Wednesday, June 7th, 2023

Any time I have spoken to police or other agencies one of the first things they ask is if I have a safety plan in place. It's enough to freak anyone out.

Bad enough I had constant thoughts/fears of what he COULD do while he was here, now I have people insisting that I have this place on lock down even though he's gone.

And 'lesbian' COW decided to get pregnant and have a kid by him? Crazy things we do for love, I guess. Then again, crazy attracts crazy, apparently.

He totally changed who he was when he met her. He wasn't the man I married. Piercings, crazy hair colour. A total change from who I knew. I thought it was a mid life crisis until I confirmed their affair. Maybe it still is. Who knows. Frankly I don't care. He chose her. He can have her and she can have him. I just hope she learns to duck faster than me.

It's been nicer here. Yes we have had our bad days where tears are just flowing but no one is hiding in their rooms. This is the most the kids and I have spent in the living room all together in ages. And yeah no more cleaning up after a damn adult! Omg that drove me crazy. And he had the nerve to tell me since I clean up after the kids I can do the same for him. Once he blamed Ds for his mess. Oh ds is still pissed off about that.

I can't wait for the day the judge says we are officially divorced. And I hope one day stbexwh realizes just how much he has lost.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 25765   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8794224
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78monte ( member #72572) posted at 4:40 AM on Wednesday, June 7th, 2023

I'm so sorry for what you and your young dragons are going through.
My heart breaks for you dragon.
You are a strong person, who has made it this far. I have complete faith in you getting through this.

posts: 4703   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2020   ·   location: Canada
id 8794225
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Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 7:55 AM on Wednesday, June 7th, 2023

Dragn, I am so glad you have posted because you have many friends here for support.

You sound so much better without him to contend with at home! Keep pressing forward, get all you are entitled to from him for you and the little Dragns. Let him go on his way and play video games and be the KID that he is. You are the grown up and a great mom!

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 3731   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8794229
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 12:01 PM on Wednesday, June 7th, 2023

Slow and steady will win this race.
Sooooo glad he is out if the home. The police are right you need a safety plan and a backup. So getting all that in place will help you to find more peace. Without him there to abuse you daily you will also start to understand how terrible the situation was. Don't feel guilty for it. Just embrace your new start.

Me: FBSHim: FWSKids: 23 & 27 Married for 32 years now, was 16 at the time.D-Day Sept 26 2008R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 20181   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8794238
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 12:13 PM on Wednesday, June 7th, 2023

Without him there to abuse you daily you will also start to understand how terrible the situation was.

This for sure. Even though his actions were focused on me, the way it affected the kids is really hitting home now. How any time he and I even spoke to eachother resulted in the kids going to their rooms. I couldn't even look at wh without some sort if nasty remark. If I tried to discuss anything it always resulted in a fight.

Emotional and verbal abuse is 100 times worse than anything physical because it was every day. Every damn day. And it left scars that don't show but are so deep.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 25765   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8794240
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EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 2:08 PM on Wednesday, June 7th, 2023

Had enough I had constant thoughts/fears of what he COULD do while he was here, now I have people insisting that I have this place on lock down even though he's gone.

Please reach out to an agency that specializes in this (like a woman's safe house, etc). They were a tremendous resource while I was going through my D on all the dos and don'ts. I realize you are not looking for a place to go, but they helped me with other things in regards to making my house safer, what to keep in a log, etc.

My ex's behaviors tended to escalate with each part of control he was losing. So keep that on your radar but just keep moving along your path regardless.

Hopefully your stbx takes this opportunity to work on himself so he can be the best father he can for his children.

How did ya'all manage to stay focused?

Plan fun stuff with your kiddos. This doesn't have to mean travel/money. My mom grew up poor so she was a pro at doing little, fun stuff. IE indoor picnic on the LR floor for dinner some night, star-gazing night (grab some blankets and lay in the yard seeing what animals you can spot in the stars...or clouds for daytime), dinner on a stick night (think fruit kabobs, chicken kabobs, cake piece kabobs, etc). Just little, quirky stuff that gives everyone something to focus on for a little while.

As for your own focus: break it all up into little sections you have to do vs looking at a huge, overwhelming list. You will gain mental and emotional momentum as you check off every little thing.

You will have have times you waver. Look for the signs. Each time I wondering WTH I was doing, there was something to let me know I was on the right path (ie a certain song on the radio, etc).

You got this! You are on a path for a safe space for yourself and your children. Priceless.

posts: 6894   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2009   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8794250
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 2:40 PM on Wednesday, June 7th, 2023

Please reach out to an agency that specializes in this (like a woman's safe house, etc).

I can't get into details but rest assured all of this aspect has been taken care of. We are safe.

And as much as I know wh bad side I do believe he wouldn't attempt anything here, especially since he's under conditions not to be here.

Of course we all have heard the horror stories here so I am taking all of the precautions I have been instructed to do.

I love all the things you listed for helping with the kids. I'll do this for sure.

Thank you!

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 25765   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8794255
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 3:57 PM on Wednesday, June 7th, 2023

Hi Drgn,

I'm sorry to hear about the OC. For you and the kid who is dragged into this mess.

I hope you're able to keep safe and accept the peace that is finally coming from not having him in the house. Sounds like your kids are perking up like flowers too.

In the end, I hope you are able to come to a place that is peaceful and safe for you and your drgns.

Wishing you the best in this.

Please check in regularly- I'm not alone in being concerned for you.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

posts: 1180   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8794261
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WhatsRight ( member #35417) posted at 4:32 PM on Wednesday, June 7th, 2023

I’m so sorry for the OC, too. For the child. How horrible to be raised in that setting.

But for you, Dragn, I’m thankful for the situation. It seems that in your striving to redeem the marriage and family, your "deal breaker" line was blurred. All of us want to think we can make things right.

I’m thankful he has crossed that hard line with you. Now there is no energy spent on how to save anything.

Now you can be focused 100% on what you can impact - you and your kids.

I know you have a hard road ahead, but I TOTALLY know you can get through all of this.

We are here to support you.

🙏🙏🙏

"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt

I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy

posts: 8210   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2012   ·   location: Southeast USA
id 8794267
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 5:13 PM on Wednesday, June 7th, 2023

What a treasure you are! You are such an amazing, strong woman. I'm so glad you're all safe now.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6703   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8794270
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Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 5:38 PM on Wednesday, June 7th, 2023

Dragn, this is what I see as your priorities.

1. Safety for you and the children.

2. Court orders for exclusive use of your home and land.

3. Supervised child visitation schedule.

4. Child and spousal support.

No particular order, just priorities.

You got this, you can do it.

It's easy to see you are much more at ease without his constant abuse and harassment and you will only continue to get stronger.

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 3731   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8794275
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 6:03 PM on Wednesday, June 7th, 2023

Dragn, I'm so sorry he was not able to be the responsible adult, partner and father you and the kids deserve. You and the kids did not deserve all the crap he has put your family through over the years. You did all you could and then some to make things work with him. You and the kids will get through this one day at a time and we will all be here to support you.

Stay safe!!

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 3592   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8794278
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 DragnHeart (original poster member #32122) posted at 6:39 PM on Wednesday, June 7th, 2023

Please check in regularly- I'm not alone in being concerned for you.

Yes I will do that.


Now you can be focused 100% on what you can impact - you and your kids.

I know you have a hard road ahead, but I TOTALLY know you can get through all of this.

We are here to support you.

Thank you. The support is so wonderful, you really have no idea. The first week I felt so alone.


What a treasure you are!

Thanks. To bad stxwh didn't realize that.

Jeaniegirl,

Yes those are the priorities. Once that's all in place I'll be able to rest a bit easier.

Today I've been working non stop. Ya know the amount of damn paperwork is enough to drive anyone mad on its own lol.

Dragn, I'm so sorry he was not able to be the responsible adult, partner and father you and the kids deserve. You and the kids did not deserve all the crap he has put your family through over the years. You did all you could and then some to make things work with him. You and the kids will get through this one day at a time and we will all be here to support you.

So very true. He wasn't ever the husband I deserved and he sure as Hell wasn't the father the kids need. Maybe with time and a ton of damn therapy he can be a better father. They at least deserve that much from him.

Me: BS 46 WH: 37 (BrokenHeart911)Four little dragons. Met 2006. Married 2008. Dday of LTPA with co worker October 19th 2010. Knew about EA with ow1 before that. Now up to PA #5. Serial fucking Cheater.

posts: 25765   ·   registered: May. 10th, 2011   ·   location: Canada
id 8794283
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