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Newest Member: mathemantic

Just Found Out :
Unfaithful but facing false allegation

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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 2:18 AM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

Schedule that poly and do not accept a parking lot confession as the truth. Thats a very common thing. "I am telling the truth, I swear on my kids, my mom" blah blah blah. Then when its go time they give just enough to confuse you cause more trauma and get you to stop pushing for more. Then when the dust settles you realize it doesn't all make sense.
If you dont set some firm boundaries and are willing to enforce them he will 10000000000% do it again.
Also ask about postnups when you see the attorney for YOU. Most are not enforceable.
Do NOT stay with this man out of fear or because it's gonna be hard for a while. I suspect you have just a sliver of truth here. You absolutely must put your kids and your well being first. If you are struggling to sleep and eat then call your Dr and be seen. Eat healthy, drink water? Get protein shakes. Make sure you are taking care of you. No one else will.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 20053   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8791967
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 Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 4:22 PM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

Thanks again. Yes, we discussed the polygraph more at length last night. He is going to call his counsel today and verify if it is wise to schedule a session. He understands I need answers but his legal situation and what could come back to be utilized against him is paramount. I get that.

The questions I drafted are a mix of the allegation and the fact of cheating history. If he is advised to do a polygraph only to answer questions related to his history of cheating with no mention of the allegation against him, I can easily write questions to that. If he is advised not to do a polygraph at all, what choice do I have…. either trust his word, stay neutral in a terrible land of uncertainty, or not trust him and think there is more behind it. None of those options provides a great base for healing or finding closure or reconciling. It doesn’t get us any further other than him claiming from day one that he would take a million polygraphs to prove he is innocent of the allegation and this was a one time event. I do feel that I need proof that would come from the results but know I am may not get that if he is advised not to engage.

We’ve been talking every night when the kids are in bed about the situation. We try not to in front of them of course though they are blessedly young and don’t get what is happening.

Last night we talked a lot about how we both feel bleak about the future. Neither of us feels like we can go back to how things had been and are nervous we may not be able to get to a place where there is trust and respect and friendship to say nothing of feelings typically tied to marriage. We are afraid there is too much wrong to make it work. We talked about the differences between the desire to try to make it work vs. whether it can work. I told him he needs to be introspective and really truly decide if he has the desire to try. Same as I need to know for myself. I need to know there is a true desire to try plus complete transparency and truth on his side if we can even start the process of seeing if it can work out. If he says he wants to try because he thinks that’s what he should say or what is expected or what he should resignedly do then that’s a bigger issue. For now he is saying the words — I’m sorry, I hate that I hurt you, you don’t deserve this, I want to make it work. But I don’t feel the empathy and remorse I think someone who is so hurt they hurt someone would or should or typically displays. He says he just feels numb and wooden and feels every emotion and is selfishly thinking mostly about the legal side and knows he is not making the steps he needs to make to make things better for us. I told him I can’t keep getting short shrift and if his marriage means anything he needs to begin repenting and showing more than just saying the words. He agrees and gets it. I just have to see when and how he demonstrates and shows up. I think we are both absolutely still in shock and I am clearly in shock and bargaining; we both feel detached from the fact that our marriage has been harmed because we are so afraid of the legal aspects. It’s the reality of the situation for now but it can’t be this imbalanced because we will never move forward with either trying to stay together or deciding to separate if little attention is being paid to that decision.

All that said, he would take over the lease if I decide to move myself and children to another state at any time. We have the money to cover two households though it would be of course not ideal. I’m for now thinking it would make sense to "commit" to staying in the house as a family and taking the next 3-6-12 whatever months as things unfold to begin working toward repairing things if we can and want to or managing the logistics to separate. The kids need their parents and come first. We’re not arguing or yelling or not talking (for now) and the home is not a negative space to be (for now).

In the meantime I’m hoping to get scheduled with a counselor this week as is he. Then we have to figure out finding a marriage counselor who can do virtual appointments. I’m awaiting the scheduling of an appointment with a divorce attorney as well to discuss the post nuptial agreement and what steps to take when if we are considering separation or divorce. I’m also planning to hire a career coach this summer to help me figure out a path towards a better income and career. If I may wind up a single parent I can’t continue with the salary I’m on for my PT work without draining savings.

And that’s all I can do. I’ve started reading books about healing from infidelity but stopped yesterday. I’m just not ready to read ones about how to heal and reconnect the same as I’m not ready to read ones about how to become a single parent and get divorced. I’m just in limbo for now.

Thanks for listening.

posts: 267   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2023
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ThisIsSoLonely ( Guide #64418) posted at 5:09 PM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

***posting as a member***

EDIT : sorry I did not see your last post before I wrote this so it appears some of it you have addressed. Also I am sorry that your WS seems so focused on himself and that it sounds like he is more in the cut and run mode than sticking it out and working on his own issues. From personal experience those words may as well be a flashing "get out while the getting is good" sign for you - things can change (personal experience also) but moving forward on your own and for your kids is the best way to make that change happen, be it together or separate.

I am a lawyer - not a criminal one, but I do see lots of criminal matters in my current position. That being said I am NOT going to comment on the legalities of your position - there are too many unknowns. Instead I wanted to focus on what you said here:

I can’t even begin to process the betrayal because I am consumed by what could happen legally.

Honestly, as gently as I can, I am not sure why your focus is on the legal issue. The potential for a legal issue. The betrayal is the HEART of the problem here because it created all of the other ancillary issues you are now facing. But I see a lot of "we" and "us" in your writing - like you and your WS are "in this together." Kindly, why do you feel like this is your burden with him as a team?

Your WS cheated on you when you were engaged, and has now cheated on you again with a co-worker 8 years later. Both times your WS was not the one to confess - there was exterior pressure to do so. The possibility exists that there have been others during that time that you will likely never know about because your WS did not face the same kind of exterior pressure to tell you. While of course I cannot say your WS has cheated again during that time, the chances are pretty good as most cheaters don't seem to pick only women who will out them or threaten to do so. Either your WS has been an incredibly "unlucky" cheater or there is more to the story.

But back to YOU. You, like a lot of BSs, want to focus on your WS - how to help them un-do the mess they have made. One of the biggest mistakes I made when the 10 headed infidelity monster decided to park on my doorstep was not focusing on me sooner. Make yourself Plan-A. Figure out what you would need to do without your WS IF that happens so you can be prepared. You do not have to make a decision about how you will proceed, but have a plan so if you decided to proceed on your own you can.

I also hope that you decide to take the focus off of the cheaters' allegations and responses - you can't know those answers and likely never will - and focus on the betrayal. The betrayal IS the underlying issue - if your WS was not a cheater this whole situation would have never happened. If the cheating behavior isn't addressed these symptoms will not go away either. You need to allow yourself to feel this not as a "we" but as a "me" for a moment.

Clearly you are the stronger part of your relationship - rely on your strength to pull you through this. I can only tell you from my own personal experience with infidelity that any affect on your personal life from this will pass (my WH had a workplace A - consensual - and it blew up and everyone there found out spreading to our entire social circle - the gossip was crazy and I think moreso as it blew up during covid lockdown so there was a lot of time to talk on the phone and gossip - but people have moved on). I hope you can focus on you and not allow your WS to be so concerned for his own well being re the allegations against him that he has no time to address the betrayal to YOU. If he is unable to do so, you need to focus on yourself and your child and do what is best for you, because he is unreliable.

I'm sorry you're here. But really - put the legal stuff on the back burner and focus on what matters - YOU.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 5:16 PM, Monday, May 22nd]

You are the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. Act accordingly.

Constantly editing posts: usually due to sticky keys on my laptop or additional thoughts

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ThisIsSoLonely ( Guide #64418) posted at 5:19 PM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

I just read this:

It’s the reality of the situation for now but it can’t be this imbalanced because we will never move forward with either trying to stay together or deciding to separate if little attention is being paid to that decision.

Honestly, if he is not clinging to you like a life raft at this moment - when his life is in peril, don't wait around circling to see if eventually he climbs in. I'm surprised that he isn't doing that - the "don't leave me now...I need you" routine. The fact that he isn't may be a gift to you in the long run.

You are the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. Act accordingly.

Constantly editing posts: usually due to sticky keys on my laptop or additional thoughts

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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 5:43 PM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

I'm going to guess his "attorney" will tell him not to take a polygraph.

I don't think he will even ask. He will use this to get out of taking it.

Truthfully, he can take one, regardless of whether he is advised not to. The test is private. The results are private. You can ask your questions about the cheating. You could also have him write out what exactly happened the night in question, and the polygraph question can be something like," is the statement you wrote for her the truth?"

He can take it. He doesn't want to.

You said it was understandable that his legal issues are paramount. Actually, it's not. If he's innocent, and there is no proof, the chances of there even being legal charges are minimal. But what's happening in his marriage isn't important to him. The fact he may lose 50%, or more, of his time with his kids isn't as important as what possibly could happen to him. Working on his marriage isn't as important. He is important. That's all he is caring about. And that,my friend, says it all. He is capable of doing more than one thing at a time. I mean, he managed to work,have a family, and have an affair all at once. He can't work on himself, and become a safe partner, work on R, and deal with whatever may be the consequences of his actions at the same time?

Look, we have members here who have had dying parents,sick kids, etc, and they still work on true reconciliation. When something is important to you, you do what you can to keep it. Him saying any work he would need to do as a serial cheater, who wants his marriage, takes a backseat to protecting himself against something that he claims didn't happen.

He is showing you who he is. Believe him.

[This message edited by HellFire at 5:46 PM, Monday, May 22nd]

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 6:15 PM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

Polygraphs are often misunderstood.
They don’t really tell you if the person questioned is telling the truth. Like if your husband thinks the Moon is made from cheese he’s going to pass if asked if the Moon is made from cheese.
What a poly gives you is if the person being asked is HONEST. If THEY believe what they say is true.

IMHO the key to reconciling is the truth.
I have seen instances here on SI where a couple have reconciled from long-term or repeated infidelities, mainly because the truth was on the table when they set off. I have also seen couples give up when more and more dirt is gradually dished out.

IF this was a one-time event then dealing with it will be hard. Just like dealing with discovering they had an ongoing 3 month affair. Just like learning 2 years from now this is his third affair…
Learning NOW what the worst-case is can lead to a salvageable situation – trickle-truth wrecks that possibility.

THIS is how you use the poly. To learn if he’s being honest.
You won’t get 10 questions. You probably get 3-5, and of those at least 2 will be heavily connected. The questions will be unemotional yes or no.
He states this was a one-time thing and he hasn’t cheated previously:
Other than Fold123 and OW have you had sexual relations [as the operator defined that term before the questioning] with anyone since date-of-marriage.
Did you have sexual relations with OW (this would probably be a reference question – a baseline)
Other than the evening of xx.xx.xx have you had sexual relations with OW?

If he’s telling you the truth and being honest he should pas q1 and q2 with no, and q2 with yes.
If he passes… you give him credit for honesty. It should give you hope.
If he fails… well… he doesn’t trust you with the truth and you don’t have reason to trust him. This needs to be very clear before the test, allowing him room for a last-minute confession.

Note I don’t mention the assault allegation? Three reasons: neither one of you want the investigators to be able to ask you about that if they hear of the poly, the "assault" can be relative to their individual experience and frankly, it’s not relevant right now for your decision on the feasibility of your marriage.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

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 Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 6:42 PM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

I agree. If he is counseled to do a polygraph it would have to separate the allegation from the cheating.

If he is advised not to what choice do I have here but to either believe him or not believe him. We cannot begin to recover in any way, stay together or separate, if I don’t know and believe he is telling me the full truth. I don’t want to be paralyzed by not knowing and I also know I may not get the proof I want from a test. If he doesn’t test I don’t know what else I can do to get a better sense that I’m being told the truth. It’s take his word or don’t.

We are both preoccupied with the legal aspect. And I totally get that I am making it a "we" thing and less a "he" thing. The reason for this is that HIS legal implications grossly impact every single aspect of my life. The outcome is directly tied to his freedom, his career and his earning potential which impacts my finances; it’s also tied to whether or not my children will have a father in their life; and it’s tied to me potentially losing my community, my social circle, my friendships and my reputation ("she’s dumb for staying" or "she’s dumb for leaving"). Some people are showing up and some are staying away. And everyone is talking. And that’s only with people knowing he was reassigned and there is an investigation. When the next layer of investigation begins the details can be made public as to what he is alleged to have done if he is charged. And then it will be spotlighted and everyone will immediately think he is guilty and what will they think of me? That we had a bad marriage. That I was a bad or unattractive or inattentive wife. That I’m not worth it to be faithful to. That I’m an idiot for sticking by him or cruel for leaving. I have everything to lose if he is pinned for something he didn’t do. Much much more than just losing a husband and marriage.

I intellectually understand I need to put myself first and I am trying to after the kids. But this is so much more complex than just being cheated on and immediately jumping into healing and recovering and either making it work or filing. What happens legally WILL impact what happens with us. It’s linked. And I can’t ignore it or step away from it and focus just on me and my healing because my entire life is also wrapped up in what could happen legally.

It’s simply a terrible situation. I am just trying to get through the day and make steps to get options — financial, therapy, career, legal for myself — identified so if I need to make a decision to cut and run I can have a roadmap for how to do it.

posts: 267   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2023
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 6:57 PM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

You can tell him if he doesn't take the test, you won't consider attempting reconciliation.

Right now, he's had no consequences, other than what happened at work. What about what he's done to you?

He could have to move to a different bedroom. Or move out. He could tell your parents,and apologize for hurting their daughter.

You could 180. Treat him like an annoying roommate. Don't cook for him, or do his laundry. No sex. Stop acting like his wife.

Why in the world would you feel you have to trust him,and take him at his word? He has proven he has zero problem lying to you. He only told you the bare minimum, because he had no choice. He didn't confess because he was remorseful.

You need to detach. Start saving money in an account he has no access to. He is not behaving like a man who really wants to be married. He may just decide to leave,once his legal issues are cleared up. You need to prepare yourself. Take steps to become independent. He

He's a serial cheater who has told you he won't do the work,because his issues are more important than his marriage. You shouldn't accept that. It behooves him to look like a family man,right now. Keeping you around protects his image.

[This message edited by HellFire at 7:00 PM, Monday, May 22nd]

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6332   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 7:05 PM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

You have no control over what other people think. You also can't control what comes of this. The only thing you have control over is yourself. A lot of what you've mentioned can be avoided if you put yourself first, and decide what you can live with.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6332   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8792063
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 7:26 PM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

If he is advised not to what choice do I have here but to either believe him or not believe him. We cannot begin to recover in any way, stay together or separate, if I don’t know and believe he is telling me the full truth. I don’t want to be paralyzed by not knowing and I also know I may not get the proof I want from a test. If he doesn’t test I don’t know what else I can do to get a better sense that I’m being told the truth. It’s take his word or don’t.

I think you know enough to make a decision even without the polygraph.

You know that he cheated on you before, and that despite all the hard work you did to recover your marriage after the fact, he cheated again.

You know that he was lying and that he was capable of continuing to lie, were it not for the legal consequences that made it impossible for him to keep this secret.

You know that, at the very least, he put your health, family, finances, and reputation at risk for a piece of ass. One could argue that what he did was worse than a long-term affair because he was willing to lose absolutely everything for someone he didn't even care about.

We are both preoccupied with the legal aspect. And I totally get that I am making it a "we" thing and less a "he" thing. The reason for this is that HIS legal implications grossly impact every single aspect of my life.

When we're telling you that you need to focus on yourself and your kids, this is precisely the reason. You can't make sound decisions without knowing all the possible ramifications and you need your own attorney who is going to give you advice that is in the best interest of you and your kids. That advice might not be what's in your husband's best interest but the reality is that he chose this situation through his own actions; you didn't.

You also have no control over what people are saying about you, how they will treat you, and how they will react to any decision that you make. Quite frankly, you're lucky if you have even 1 friend who is willing to stick by you and help you survive this crisis. Nearly everyone else will either be judgmental no matter what decision you make or just retreat from your life completely because they don't want to deal with drama or any unpleasantness.

For this reason, the opinions of others should factor exactly 0% into whatever decision that you make.

I have everything to lose if he is pinned for something he didn’t do. Much much more than just losing a husband and marriage.

Respectfully, he did do something, even if it doesn't fit the legal definition of forcible rape or coercion. Adultery is still considered a crime in the military. Sexual relationships between superiors and subordinates is prohibited, and for good reason... there's an inherent imbalance of power in that relationship that calls into question any meaningful notion of consent. You know that he's capable of breaking the law and ignoring rules because he's already done it.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 9:30 PM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

You’re getting some excellent well rounded advice giving you many options to consider, many angles of approach.

Bigger et al is a big proponent of reminding people that they DO have options, hopeful options.

I wanted to ask you, are his military benefits at risk? Is he full time military or reserve? Certain types of bad conduct discharges can affect benefits.

I mentioned timing in a previous post. If his benefits are at risk, and you are dependent upon them, you may want to factor that into your approach.

I like what the other posters had to say about not putting your life on hold to save his ass and, that multitasking is possible and is VERY important. You are, ultimately, the priority concern here. In your efforts of protecting YOUR interests and YOUR outcome, you may want to consider good pragmatic tactical timing of your actions. Your YOUR attorney can guide you well in this regard.

When love, trust, vows and respect has been forsaken in your relationship, good cold pragmatism is going to be your best ally. I’d leave out any of that “for better or for worse” business from your decision matrix.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 9:46 PM, Monday, May 22nd]

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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 9:55 PM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

I’m going to weigh in here. Take it as my experience may help you. I hope it does shed some insight into this mess.

My H’s last affair (the mid life crisis affair) was your usual nightmare - more lying, more cheating, months of false reconciliation, he wants a D then he doesn’t, then he does blah blah blah.

His affair was with someone he hired to work for him. He’s a big deal in the company. She could have made his life miserable with charges. Not something he ever considered until I told him. Total reality check. He’s damn lucky she didn’t make allegations against him.

Still that had nothing to do with my decision to D. I have very little family nearby and I’m certain my H’s family would not have helped out if we D.

You can "what if" the rest of your life away. There are soooo many people here at SI who talk about the hardest decisions they made about their spouse and Divorce. No one wants to say it — but sometimes it’s the only option left.

I’m this case the cheating spouse is facing the loss of career etc. WE GET IT!!! he’s been falsely accused.

But that is not a reason to stay in a marriage.

And if you keep propping HIM up and feeling bad, he’s going to see this as another opportunity to sweep this under the rug.

If you need a polygraph test, then he will have to take a polygraph test. Period. No one has to know about it but the married couple. It’s not public information. It’s a private matter.

And if he refuses then you know where you stand. He puts himself first, ahead of you (sadly).

The worst thing I did was allow my H to rug sweep his first affair. He then tried to lie his way out of his second affair. The good news is that I was 1 step ahead and he never had a chance to take his 2nd affair to the grave.

And my one sentence "I am Divorcing you!" was the best thing I ever did together with the hard 180. It made my H realize he needed to make serious drastic changes immediately.

I never told him how to fix the damage. That was up to him to figure out. He had enough stupidity to cheat. Well put that untapped brain to good use and figure out how to make amends lol.

Game changer.

I’d suggest a separation might be what you need. Give you space. Give him an opportunity to stand in his own two feet and you can judge whether this marriage really matters to him.

I think it would be eye opening for you (I’m hoping in a good way).

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

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crumbs ( member #28953) posted at 10:31 PM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

While I'm not in the military (just a "brat"), I've spent 20+ years working the civilian sector in direct alignment with very senior military leadership in support of all branches. I have also been a part of the sexual harassment policy enforcement training for a number of years. Unfortunately, as you know, even if your WS is exonerated from the charges of forced, he will still mostly likely face disciplinary action. Frankly, according to most regulations, even going to her hotel room could have been a charge of fraternization, assuming he's an officer. He has had to have had countless trainings in these situations and has demonstrated a break in leadership. (You can look up "Article 15" if you haven't already.)

Your attorney will advise you, but in most states, post-nups are not legally enforceable, though many judges will accept them as long as they are "fair" to both parties. You know that 10-years of marriage is the "magic" number for receiving the military benefits of his retirement, healthcare, and other items.

For your direct concerns of living and employment for yourself, there are a LOT of benefits available for a military spouse, and I'd recommend checking with your base/post to determine what you can take advantage of. For instance, you shouldn't have to hire your own career coach as those benefits should be available through your base family services. (Different names for the different branches, but it's Fleet & Family for the Navy/Marines.) There are literally hundreds of companies offering military spouses parttime or remote work--financial, education, medical, defense contractors...the list goes on. They will help you update your resume, you can get paid certification training for IT/cyber or medical work, etc. One of my main focuses is educating spouses of the resources available both on and off the bases, so feel free to message me if you need specific information.

Finally, if you do decide you need to relocate home or just take a break from the daily living together, you CAN break a lease so don't feel bound to that either. Your base housing or JAG departments will help you with that, or you can find your state's guidelines online for military members to break a lease. Around most bases, there are very liberal policies protecting military members. Your WS can usually get temporary housing on-base, especially if he's geo, which will help with the expenses.

You are also unfortunately right that there are few if any secrets in the military/base world. I've witnessed dozens of situations like this and even "worse" and the culture hasn't gotten much better over the years. I pray you find your circle of true friends who will support you through the hardest of times, but I also have to caution you to be prepared for the reality when the legal part is over. Deployments, TDY's, extended trainings, un-accompanied tours take a toll on the best of marriages. And when your kids are in higher grades, it gets even harder to make the moves when things are rocky.

I wish you the very best.

(edited to add that resources are also available off base if you don't want to involve the military in your career training)

[This message edited by crumbs at 10:33 PM, Monday, May 22nd]

DDay 2009Wouldn't stop - Moved out 8/10Divorced 2015 (Divorcing a NPD is no fun)

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 Fold123 (original poster member #83366) posted at 10:58 PM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

Thanks all again for weighing in. A lot of it is hard to read but I get I’m reading everything multiple times and I appreciate it.

There are military benefits at stake (medical, pension, 401k). I would not be eligible for anything unless we are legally married for 10 years. We’re 1.5 years away from that. If we were to divorce, best case is we wait until it has been 10 years of marriage so I can receive a portion of the benefits. The state we are in is not an automatic alimony state. And after I have given up my career to support his and the children AND had my entire life exploded, there is no way I would walk away from this marriage without financial compensation. That is IF he is able to have the charge dropped/acquitted and can retire with benefits. Worst case he is stripped of everything and that means I walk away with nothing. Career-wise, best case he leaves the military and finds work. His career is over with the military just due to the fact he and she broke code by engaging in an inappropriate relationship (to say nothing of the charge). He has skills and if bridges aren’t burned and people don’t turn their backs he could find meaningful work. Otherwise there are non-military adjacent career fields he could work in.

He and I are both naturally very reasonable people (knowing there is not much to his character now). I’m not looking for a shake down or handout and he’s not looking to exclude me from finances given I make so little on my own now. We’re both on the same page that I am financially disadvantaged and am "owed" compensation, and just need to have it notarized in a post-nup and carry through to a separation or divorce agreement if need be. If the post-nup is tossed then that’s why we’d each have an attorney to ensure things are fair and agreed to. The post-nup for now will serve as a vehicle for (1) fairly stating what we agree to happen if the marriage does not last, (2) thus cutting down on the length and cost of process if we are to divorce, and (3) frankly to force him to deal with a repercussion that we are doing this bc I have lost trust in him and need to protect myself. I’m waiting for the attorney to schedule the consultation I requested. I’ll discuss the post-nup and what I need to prep and know if a divorce is to come.

Not surprisingly, his attorney advised he does not do a polygraph bc he is in the midst of an investigation that is criminal and anybody could be subpoenaed if it comes to it. There is also a chance I could be (allegedly they try not to involve families if they don’t have to), and then I would have to truthfully state that he took a polygraph and what the results were and what it said.

So where does that leave us? Frustrated. I want and need to know and he is frustrated he can’t use that vehicle to show me. So we are back to square one of either me having to take his word or not and try to move through the unknown as I sort out whether I will stay with him or not.

I intellectually know that it doesn’t matter what other people think but I am a very private person and I do happen to care a lot what others think and say. Wish I didn’t but I do. I can’t control it or anything that could be said in the media. I don’t want to be looked at as a fool or pawn or pitied. People talk and the community is small and it’s just hard. We do not live on post so that helps some and of course I’ve pulled back or out of social and community things I had been aligned with before. It’s just so sudden and still so shocking. I have lost everything and I did nothing wrong.

I’m just trying like I said to focus on my kids and the logistics of life and work on finances,
my career opportunities, and understanding my legal rights and avenue to take. And get mental health help (still waiting for initial appointment to be scheduled). And talking to him. We’re civil and don’t argue in front of the kids. We’re sleeping separately and just talk each night. Even if it’s in circles.

Thanks for listening.

posts: 267   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2023
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 11:29 PM on Monday, May 22nd, 2023

There is also a chance I could be (allegedly they try not to involve families if they don’t have to), and then I would have to truthfully state that he took a polygraph and what the results were and what it said.

Polygraph are private. So,unless you advertise that he took one, there is no way you would be asked in court about it.

He's frustrated he can't prove..what? He cheated.

Ok..possible legal issues aside..what work is he doing to become a safe partner? How is his serial infidelity being dealt with?

Even if there are no legal issues..even if this kinda goes away,and he's allowed back to work..he still cheated. It's a horrific betrayal. How is that being dealt with?

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6332   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 12:22 AM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

The worst advice on this forum tends to be legal advice – mine included.
But polygraphs or even the mention of polygraphs aren’t admissible in military courts, and generally not in "civilian" criminal courts. As a wife you have the ability to plead the fifth. Not to mention that if you are not military a military tribunal has no power over you.
I think he’s avoiding the poly…
Google "are polygraphs allowed in court martials"

I get your hesitance, and maybe it’s worth it to wait the 18 months to reach the 10-year mark. Only remember YOU are in a position of power. Its not to his advantage that you are divorcing him, and to his advantage to have what looks like the support of his wife. You can set all sorts of conditions for remaining married. Conditions like he sleep elsewhere and that until he passes a poly there is no "us" in the future.

However… I do think that his military career will be limited. Once again – maybe his best option might be to negotiate a honorable discharge and thereby relieve the organization of having to do the investigation and all that. I’m guessing OW husband will be fine with having wrecked his career.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

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ThisIsSoLonely ( Guide #64418) posted at 12:58 AM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

IMO polygraphs are good for getting a "parking lot confession" otherwise they are not utilized as evidence in a court of law for a reason. Bigger's last post is spot-on per usual. I too shy from legal advice as it is so different in different places/states/countries/etc.

Not surprisingly, his attorney advised he does not do a polygraph bc he is in the midst of an investigation that is criminal and anybody could be subpoenaed if it comes to it. There is also a chance I could be (allegedly they try not to involve families if they don’t have to), and then I would have to truthfully state that he took a polygraph and what the results were and what it said.

I too would advise against doing a poly if I were your WS's counsel. There is zero legal benefit to him and a lot of downsides - while the results are not admissible in court's where I have practiced (eg the "truth" or "lie" results) I would never say the questions and answers could not be given the right legal situation.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 1:04 AM, Tuesday, May 23rd]

You are the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. Act accordingly.

Constantly editing posts: usually due to sticky keys on my laptop or additional thoughts

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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 1:10 AM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

As a wife you have the ability to plead the fifth. Not to mention that if you are not military a military tribunal has no power over you.

Not to belabor this point, but I believe you can be subpoenaed if you’re a material witness in a military court.

BTW: Not all military courts are "Tribunals".

You can plead the fifth upon being questioned about a Poly, but doing so can cause bias, begs question. The poly results may not be admissible, but the fact you requested one is and, it’s discoverable.

With that said, risk vs gain, I’d still go for it, personally. Just pay cash.

Now, do you listen to your husband’s attorney or a bunch of coffee table lawyers on the internet?

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 1:17 AM, Tuesday, May 23rd]

posts: 1288   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 1:29 AM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

Fold cannot be compelled to testify against her husband; their private communications are protected by spousal privilege.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 1:31 AM, Tuesday, May 23rd]

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

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RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 2:07 AM on Tuesday, May 23rd, 2023

They wouldn’t need her testimony. Just knowledge of the poly and her refusal to give testimony could jeopardize his case.

Look, we’re getting into the weeds on a cautionary statement, a just something to consider-not over consider, statement. Do an informed risk vs gain assessment and go from there.

The WS IS guilty of cheating, by his own confession, and I believe he should indeed suffer the consequences.

However, he is innocent of the other charges levied against him, until proven guilty in a court of law, and is entitled to a fair, uncompromised defense. Let’s not jeopardize his defense and shoot the BS in the foot compromising her best financial outcome whether she R or D’s.

posts: 1288   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2013
id 8792116
Topic is Sleeping.
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