SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Of course I get it.

If he lies about others he has cheated with, I am out, whether he discloses that now or if comes out in a polygraph. He knows these are my parameters.

Since we BOTH don’t yet know if we desire to try to make it work, there’s really nothing to lose by coming clean on everything. He swears up and down that this was a one time thing. I don’t know if I am getting the full truth or not. And he doesn’t know what to do or say for me to believe it is a one time bad decision thing as much as I don’t know what he could do or say to convince me. It’s almost a stalemate. And without a polygraph there is no "proof."

I’m done with the nightly discussions with him about what we should do. We can touch base on logistics for the kids as needed but I don’t think sitting and talking is helping. It’s just rehash and the goes in circles. If he needs introspection and time to sit with his choices he needs it and can take it. I think I’ve sufficiently outlined my parameters and stakes for now.

Since we BOTH don’t yet know if we desire to try to make it work, there’s really nothing to lose by coming clean on everything.

Actually there is a lot to lose. Your respect. His reputation if you tell anyone. Closing the door on R. Whatever he thinks about himself as being "not as bad" compared to what he could have done. He doesn't have to live with the reality of the truth if everyone around him still believes the story you have now. These are powerful motivators.

I think it's wise for you to step back and focus on yourself right now.

There is truth to this. For now, those who know something is going on know only that he is being investigated. They don’t know what for. And without giving details to some who have checked in he’s said simply that there is a false allegation against him. So for now, he’s getting lots of hang in there messages and the truth will come out statements. Lots of people saying they trust him and know who he is and that’s what matters. So it’s certainly helping him manage his emotions around the allegation.

But …

When more comes out later people will know what the allegation is. For now it could be anything, but later it will be stated it’s for assault and an inappropriate relationship. And then those same people who are telling him to stay strong may retreat or change their tune. Even if they believe the assault allegation is false they will know from the inappropriate relationship detail that something wasn’t above bar. He’s facing a little music now and will have to face a lot more later. Whenever that may be. Could be weeks, months, or a year. No clue.

I’ve cut out all communication other than simple logistics around kids and a quick debrief of any updates on his side. No more talking about us and what will happen. He needs introspection and he can take the time to do it. I’m not going to walk him through a structured conversation of options and outcomes each night.

Fold,

It appears to me that you have a very clear headed approach to this awful situation. You are doing what you need to do for your and your children’s future.

It seems that you feel you almost need to justify your thoughts and actions to some on this board. Some seem to be pressuring you, but I’m sure it’s from a place of concern. As is often said here, take what you need and leave the rest.

You are doing amazingly well for this early on and for these devastating circumstances. Please keep posting. We’re on your side.

Sending a hug. Take care of #One.

I’ve cut out all communication other than simple logistics around kids and a quick debrief of any updates on his side. No more talking about us and what will happen. He needs introspection and he can take the time to do it. I’m not going to walk him through a structured conversation of options and outcomes each night.

I think this is the correct approach to take toward your husband at this point. You've got this, Fold... and we're here for you.

Thanks Beach and Bluer.

The minimal contact continues and is going OK. Yesterday he wrote me a letter. I’d suggested a week or so ago he might want to do it for himself or me to help unblock his feelings not knowing if he would. It was the usual stuff: he is sorry, he is hurt I am hurting and he is the cause, he knows I did nothing wrong, he’s sorry my life has crumbled because of him, I’m nothing but a good wife and mother, and he loves me. I suppose it is a start for him to sort where his feelings are. There was no discussion in the letter of whether he wanted to make it work or not.

He met with a chaplain yesterday to talk. He is awaiting being assigned a mental health counselor. I had an intake with my IC. Now have to wait a week to actually talk about what is going on. I am also trying to schedule a marital counselor so we can get started.

Still waiting on attorney to schedule a meeting about post nup and divorce so I can gather information. And in the meantime I am furiously researching remote work I can start between juggling the children because at the end of this there is no job security for him, he may walk away without his pension, and I need income to support myself and kids if I divorce him or need income to replenish savings we are using for attorneys. Also continue to research where I could move with the kids if and when that happens. I’m trying to consider locations where I know a couple of people but unfortunately that’s mostly big cities and I don’t know how I might cover expenses without dwindling savings.

Logistics and plans for potential outcomes is the only thing I can feel ANY control over. In the meantime it’s a long holiday weekend and everyone is vacationing or out doing family things or having parties and I’m trying to manage how awful it feels not being part of it all. Thanks all for listening. It means a lot to me.