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General :
ED after affair?

Topic is Sleeping.
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 cedarwoods (original poster member #82760) posted at 5:57 PM on Wednesday, May 10th, 2023

my WH never had issues with ED in our 31 years of marriage.

However, during his one year affair, he experimented with different ED drugs. He was addicted to AP and the sex he had with her.

And now he seems to have ED for real. He can’t seem to get it up except when i give him os. Is this because he’s not attracted to me or because he’s thinking of AP? Is this because he wants to have sex with AP instead?

[This message edited by cedarwoods at 5:58 PM, Wednesday, May 10th]

posts: 142   ·   registered: Jan. 20th, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8790332
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 9:27 PM on Wednesday, May 10th, 2023

Has he met with his doctor?

He might have been having issues during his affair so he decided to experiment not to embarrass himself with AP. You know, he was probably thinking he was a stud. rolleyes

Honestly, I think it's a physical issue and he should make an appt. with his physician.

posts: 12059   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8790356
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 9:35 PM on Wednesday, May 10th, 2023

ED can have a zillion different causes, guilt, BP issues, low T, on and on and on.
He should meet w/ his Dr, he should also discuss w/ his therapist too.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 20053   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8790358
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 12:50 AM on Thursday, May 11th, 2023

I think you are overthinking it. Post Hoc fallacy, basically.

It could be just due to any of the reasons tushnurse points out.

Presumably he has given you some sort of assurance he is attracted to you and that it's not about AP?

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2523   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8790391
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 cedarwoods (original poster member #82760) posted at 3:23 AM on Thursday, May 11th, 2023

Presumably he has given you some sort of assurance he is attracted to you and that it's not about AP?


I am not sure what assurance he can give me other than telling me that he’s no longer attracted to/interested in the AP. Can I truly believe him? I am not sure.
He avoids physical intimacy because he says he’s embarrassed about ED. Can men have ED with women they are attracted to? As a BS, I can’t help wonder if I am the problem. I want my wh to desire me the way he desired the AP….

posts: 142   ·   registered: Jan. 20th, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8790398
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 4:16 AM on Thursday, May 11th, 2023

Yes, men can have ED with women they're attracted to. Info from a family friend, way before I was married. She was dating a guy with diabetes, and he had ED. He was also over 65.

There are so many things that can cause ED that a doctor visit (or several) should be in order. Did you know that sleep apnea can cause ED?

It isn't you.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3125   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8790401
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Greto ( member #80904) posted at 4:20 AM on Thursday, May 11th, 2023

My WH has ED, always has. It was partially what led him down a dark path with porn and other things which is why I am here.

It isn't you! Your husband could have a mental block because of the affair(like guilt and shame), he needs to talk to his counselor. Or it is physical issue like prostrate or testerone so needs a check up.

But again it isn't you! I know exactly how it feels though. I have to constantly remind myself it isn't me that causes the ED.

posts: 107   ·   registered: Sep. 9th, 2022   ·   location: Sandusky, Ohio
id 8790403
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:54 PM on Thursday, May 11th, 2023

I am not sure what assurance he can give me other than telling me that he’s no longer attracted to/interested in the AP.

I find lots of women attractive. Make that 'amazingly, wonderfully attractive'.

The key is that my W, even at 78, turns me on in ways that other women don't. She says she wants me. It took a few years for me to accept that after her A, but consistent behavior showing desire for me was enough to convince me. What's important is who he does desire, not who he doesn't.

Have you asked your H if he desires you and no one else? How has he answered? Does his behavior say he wants you?

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:54 PM, Thursday, May 11th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 29577   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8790458
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 cedarwoods (original poster member #82760) posted at 5:13 PM on Thursday, May 11th, 2023

Sisoon
I have not asked him if he desires me or finds me attractive because I am afraid of the answer. Even if he says he does, I am not sure I would believe him, especially given that he "rejected" me by choosing the AP. And I don’t know that he would be willing or able to given an honest answer. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

posts: 142   ·   registered: Jan. 20th, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8790464
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 9:36 PM on Saturday, May 13th, 2023

My ex had ed, even with his ap. I sincerely think it is simply a condition that is common.

It isn’t you.

To be redefined

posts: 2205   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8790814
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Tinytim1980 ( member #80504) posted at 8:39 AM on Sunday, May 14th, 2023

Cedarwoods, as someone who suffered ED during an A I can tell you for sure that it likely has absolutely nothing to do with you.

I for one am a crazy anxious person, the moment something enters my head... that is it nothing will function. I never had any issues in this area with my BW and havent since however I KNOW if I were to think about "my performance" it just simply wouldn't work. I could literally make a list of reasons which could result in ED and some could be as inane as "clock ticking to loud....too hot....too Cold....whats for dinner"

We men are unusual characters but the best thing that he could do is to talk about what is on his mind as it maybe a psychological issue. If that doesnt work then absolutely seek medical support.

But as I say, talk talk talk and explore.

posts: 60   ·   registered: Aug. 10th, 2022   ·   location: UK
id 8790840
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Reece ( member #52975) posted at 9:18 PM on Monday, May 15th, 2023

I am a betrayed spouse, so I dont think Im what you are looking for here but I definitely had ED for a short period time (~4 months) after d-day. I was always pretty sure it was just a phase as everything worked fine for me at other times and was caused by insecurities with comparisons to her affair partner (knowing very explicit details = getting very explicit mind movies).

posts: 169   ·   registered: Apr. 28th, 2016
id 8790966
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 cedarwoods (original poster member #82760) posted at 9:40 PM on Monday, May 15th, 2023

Thank you all for your replies. I feel better having read them and so appreciate your sharing rather personal stuff with a stranger like me.
My self esteem has taken a beating as a result of WH’s A so I question everything.
Anyway, i am grateful for you all.

posts: 142   ·   registered: Jan. 20th, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8790969
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 4:06 AM on Tuesday, May 16th, 2023

As a BS, the self-esteem takes a hit after dday. Truly, it isn't you. Look at all the gorgeous Hollywood actors that have been cheater on. Adam Levine cheated and his wife is a Victoria's Secret underwear model.

I suggest you buy yourself some underwear that makes you feel sexy. Sparkly, lacey, whatever - no granny panties. Then go buy an outfit or two that make you feel like a million bucks. Bitch boots, the works. You are a bad-ass sparkly goddess unicorn (BASGU) and are the prize.

Find some I AM affirmations to help build back your confidence. You are the prize!

You are enough and always have been.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3125   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8790999
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Copingmybest ( member #78962) posted at 2:05 PM on Saturday, May 20th, 2023

I’m the BS, I don’t desire any other woman than my WW. That being said, if I roll into the mind images of her and her AP, and things I can only assume they did together, you can absolutely forget me feeling anywhere close to being interested in sex. I’m 99.9% sure it’s all in my head, as when we kiss I get a stirring feeling, but it will go away quickly. 🤷🏼‍♂️

posts: 173   ·   registered: Jun. 16th, 2021   ·   location: Midwest
id 8791831
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MegMeg ( member #79978) posted at 6:17 PM on Saturday, May 20th, 2023

Many (most?) men have ED along the way, especially as they age. I didn't care. He was my beloved husband, ED or not. This fact lead me to believe his increasing issues with ED was the cause of a decreasing desire for sex. Hardly! I didn't even suspect he had another life. ED was an ego killer for WH and I believe this was a major factor leading him to seek other women and more exciting sex. Turns out, for him, any woman that is new is more exciting than this wife. I guess those other women could also feel this way because it takes two to tango. But the ironic twist is that I can't imagine being intimate with someone else.

So here we are. He admits that sex with others is more exciting but he wants his marriage more, so he'll be content to have sex with me. sad I feel like a vessel, more and more inhibited and "less-than" but am afraid to be alone, so I'm willing to have sex with him and settle for the Devil I know. crying

This can't have a happy ending but I don't know how to change the trajectory.

Cedarwoods, I do hope you can avoid our pitfalls and I send my best wishes for you.

Me: BS | Him: WS | Children: Grown | Married: 36 years at DDay Feb 2021

posts: 104   ·   registered: Feb. 20th, 2022   ·   location: Pulling myself out of the mire
id 8791843
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luvedmypbear ( member #25690) posted at 1:55 PM on Sunday, May 21st, 2023

I’m right here with you. Together 24 years, he is my one and only.
He had an affair in 2009 and I believe this one started in 2021 and is ongoing. His ED started in 2021 (at age 43) and also requires OS to get things going. I saw ED meds on his desk but they have since disappeared after he complained of a racing heartbeat during intimacy a few months ago.

In our case WH is clearly experiencing MLC, depression and substance abuse. His anxiety is escalated as well.


It’s him, not you. I guarantee it. You are perfect the way you are.

luvedmypbear didn’t care what you thought. She knew she was a badass.

posts: 1123   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2009
id 8791900
Topic is Sleeping.
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