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Completely confused and all over the place

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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 2:12 PM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

If your wife sold you on this affair as purely physical fun on the side, she wasn't being naive... she was lying to you.

I can say this definitively because OM is her ex-boyfriend, not some random guy she met online or a hottie she was flirting with at the gym. Their romance was already reestablished during the course of their communications long before they reunited in person.

Ozzy, you said you agreed to this affair because you felt like your only choices were to let her do it or get divorced. This raises the following questions for me:

If you felt you had no power to stop the affair before it started, what made you think you could stop it after it started? Why is your wife willing to listen to you now but not before?

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1950   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8785489
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ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 5:13 PM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

I am under no illusions that her feelings for him may never go away and we will cross that bridge when we come to it, but I am hopeful that with that element out of the picture we can start mending (which we should have done in the first place without being so naive to think that this could have worked).

That's because she doesn't have a fundamental problem with cheating. Cheating on one's spouse is a legitimate choice in her decision tree. shocked

Some people, even some therapists, would have us believe that anyone might cheat if the circumstances are just so. But when you challenge that, when you really think about it... that's just not the case. Cheaters cheat because they're capable of doing the mental gymnastics to give themselves permission to do it. They've claimed one set of values, fidelity and honesty, and they CHOOSE to make loopholes. She vowed her loyalty to you, her faithfulness, but when she wanted more excitement in her life, suddenly she's "unattracted" to you and her fidelity no longer applies.

We either BELIEVE in the core values we claim or we don't. It's like being a "little bit" pregnant. You either are or you're not. It's a binary choice. We believe or we don't. There aren't escape clauses in our truest beliefs.

At the bottom line, your WW doesn't believe in fidelity. Her version of fidelity is one of convenience, one which serves her whims. That is, until it doesn't. Her version of fidelity has a "but..." in it. ie. "She believes in fidelity, but... not if she needs some thrills."

That's no belief at all. That's no fidelity at all. That's a person who is capable of twisting her espoused values to suit whatever arbitrary agenda occurs to her. And you know what?.. not unusual. Most of us really believe our own rhetoric on these kinds of issues because we haven't really challenged our own dogma. Life gets tough though, and the wheat has a way of getting sorted from the chaff though, doesn't it? And instead of dealing with that failure in values, the cheater rationalizes.

After having been down this road with my fWH with both EAs and then PAs a decade later (see profile page), I've spent A LOT of time mulling it over, and I am convinced that CHEATING IS ABOUT THE CHEATER. It's about character, integrity, the relationship between the values one claims and the actual deeds one chooses. And the cure is that the cheater has to do the painfully introspective work to realize that they were WRONG and that their integrity wasn't there, that whatever internal issues which have allowed them to twist up their espoused values must be fixed, that there is NO shared blame on that issue. They need remorse, empathy, boundaries, a new relationship with integrity, honor. It's a lot. And they can't do any of that when they're huddled up in sanctimonious belief that they were somehow justified in their perfidy.

Affairs are kind of like mirrors.. garbage in, garbage out. People don't engage in behaviors without some kind of payoff, right? It's not always straightforward, but the cheaters are negotiating with one another to get that payoff, and because these affairs seem to center on sex, we often assume that sex (or romance) is what it's all about. Figure though that if it was just about getting one's nut, neither of them needs someone else for that. So, it's more than that. It's about egos and attention, flattery, using another person to spackle in the voids inside, creating a new persona (or an old one), escapism, etc. None of it healthy and good. None of it really about the other cheater even. The feelings might seem intense and focused as if it were real love, but the AP is serving a function, papering over a shortcoming and a dearth of meaningful core values.

When the WS can't see the AP for the cheating scoundrel they are, it follows that they aren't seeing themselves as cheating scoundrels. No one likes to think of themselves in those terms. We all like to think we're otherwise nice people who have made some sticky choices or whatever. We don't like to think of ourselves as "bad people". This is just another rationalization though, another round of mental gymnastics. It is bad of us when we CHOOSE to do bad things. Your WW manipulated and coerced you into standing aside while she engaged in an action which has deeply wounded you and has threatened your family dynamic with destruction. She doesn't get to stand on the high ground and act like she's some stupendous example of honesty. She has corrupted "honesty" to get her own way.

It might be a trite old Dr. Philism, but "we can't fix what we won't acknowledge". Your WW is unlikely to see the badness of her AP until she's willing to see it in herself. That might be next week, next year, or even never. As long as she's telling herself she's an "honest" person, she's got no reason to really acknowledge the failures in her values system. As long as she can lie to herself about her own integrity and motives, she can continue to lie to herself about his. Garbage in, garbage out. While we don't want the WS shifting the blame entirely to the AP, we do need them to SEE "bad" values and "bad" character when they look there. As long as they still believe the AP is a lovely person though, they're not getting the mirror effect on their OWN behavior.

None of this is as simple as just her stopping cheating and you forgiving her. She has to actually have remorse for what she's put you through. Otherwise, try as you might, it's unlikely that you'll ever be truly satisfied with her again. Without real repair, resentment sets in and festers until it eventually destroys whatever love and affection you had left.

Rome wasn't built in a day, and I do think it's great advice to TAKE YOUR TIME. You will also do well to start making the kind of emotional investment in yourself that will strengthen you enough to insist on what you deserve. Life is short. Kids are grown before you know it, and unless we've built enough for ourselves, that empty nest can leave us bereft. I'm not saying not to put your kids first, just not to put them only. You matter. Your future matters. It's not a binary choice, us or them. We can act in ways that are good for them *and* good for us.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 8

posts: 7049   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8785512
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 Ozzy1788 (original poster member #83108) posted at 10:27 AM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2023

If your wife sold you on this affair as purely physical fun on the side, she wasn't being naive... she was lying to you.

I can say this definitively because OM is her ex-boyfriend, not some random guy she met online or a hottie she was flirting with at the gym. Their romance was already reestablished during the course of their communications long before they reunited in person.

Ozzy, you said you agreed to this affair because you felt like your only choices were to let her do it or get divorced. This raises the following questions for me:

If you felt you had no power to stop the affair before it started, what made you think you could stop it after it started? Why is your wife willing to listen to you now but not before?

She never said it was just physical fun, she admitted she really likes him. She is actually mostly gutted now as she has lost a friend rather than the physical side. However, unfortunately by being with him it has increased her feelings towards him (obviously) so she is now hurting even worse.

As for your question - she only told him about her feelings after I had said she should tell him and thought that I would be OK with this. When I then said I was struggling with it she stopped it. She was already realising that the situation was unsustainable. We have been honest with each other the whole time, which I know is still such a weird situation to be in.

None of this changes the deep issues in our marriage though for us to have even got to this point, and that is what needs addressing. I am also working on myself, as I know I should have been stronger in the first place. Stupidly I did think I would be OK with the situation though (and briefly was).

CT - I agree with what you have said. Despite any agreements we may have made, she should have thought about the impact that all of this could have had on our family and the fact it could have taken her away from her kids. She has realised that already, and so I hope we can work things out for the sake of the kids. I am definitely thinking about how this all affects me though. Thanks for the advice.

We are off on holiday in a couple of days time so this thread may go quiet. It won't be because there is anything wrong, it is just a good test of what happens next. I will fill everyone in when I get back. As I have said previously though, I am in a much better mental position than I was (even if my marriage is in a worse place!) so despite the disagreements on certain aspects, I am very grateful for all of the advice.

posts: 170   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8785614
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 12:30 PM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2023

Whether you realize it,or not, your wifenis basically saying everything every other cheater has said.

For example..that she was about to end it.

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6683   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8785624
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 Ozzy1788 (original poster member #83108) posted at 1:38 PM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2023

Yeah :-(

That is why writing on here has been so useful. I thought our situation was unique (and I know in many ways it still is), but reading everyone's responses makes me realise it it has more in common with the "normal" situation than not...

posts: 170   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8785634
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 1:45 PM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2023

As for your question - she only told him about her feelings after I had said she should tell him and thought that I would be OK with this. When I then said I was struggling with it she stopped it. She was already realising that the situation was unsustainable. We have been honest with each other the whole time, which I know is still such a weird situation to be in

This is completely different than how you described the situation before. You literally said you felt like you were playing Squid Game. You said that your wife is the type to go after what she wants and not let anyone get in her way. You also said your wife begged you not to make her end it now.

Now you’re saying that you actually encouraged her to profess her romantic feelings for OM and embark on the affair, and thus were a willing accomplice to the betrayal of OBS. Now you’re saying you had no reason to fear asking her to stop the affair because she was totally honest and considerate of your feelings this whole time. And on top of all that, your wife had already realized the affair was out of hand and was going to stop on her volition away.

Either you were being dishonest about how you presented the situation in the first place or you’re lying to yourself (and us) now.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 1:46 PM, Tuesday, April 4th]

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1950   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8785636
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Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 2:07 PM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2023

Ozzy, have you ever been in swinger lifestyle before? Or poly relations? I get the feeling that this experiment is not your first rodeo. I feel only this one backfired.

We have always gone for weekends away with mates, wild nights out with mates, etc. We have always allowed each other to do what we like without being jealous, and this is an extension of that.


I got this impression from this particular post of yours. Is my interpretation of this post wrong?

posts: 457   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8785641
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HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 2:21 PM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2023

For example..that she was about to end it.

LOL, my wife told me their relationship was on the downslope.

The shit a cheater will say when cornered is boundless.

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 3187   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8785642
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 Ozzy1788 (original poster member #83108) posted at 2:27 PM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2023

This is completely different than how you described the situation before. You literally said you felt like you were playing Squid Game. You said that your wife is the type to go after what she wants and not let anyone get in her way. You also said your wife begged you not to make her end it now.

Now you’re saying that you actually encouraged her to profess her romantic feelings for OM and embark on the affair, and thus were a willing accomplice to the betrayal of OBS. Now you’re saying you had no reason to fear asking her to stop the affair because she was totally honest and considerate of your feelings this whole time. And on top of all that, your wife had already realized the affair was out of hand and was going to stop on her volition away.

Either you were being dishonest about how you presented the situation in the first place or you’re lying to yourself (and us) now.

So hard to describe in a forum. Both things are true at the same time. I felt painted into a corner as she would want to leave me to get what she wanted. I thought this was a binary choice - she leaves me or I agree to this. I agreed to this. I tried to get my head around the binary choice of losing the kids vs agreeing to it, and tried to make my peace with it.

Same the other way around - she hasn't been considerate of my feelings as such but as at now she has realised the implications of leaving me over this so has respected the fact that I have asked her to stop. She didn't like it but also has realised this is not worth blowing the family up for. As people said early on, if I was completely into having an open relationship then this would not have been the forum for me.

I don't know if that makes sense or not when reading it...

Ozzy, have you ever been in swinger lifestyle before? Or poly relations? I get the feeling that this experiment is not your first rodeo. I feel only this one backfired.

We have always gone for weekends away with mates, wild nights out with mates, etc. We have always allowed each other to do what we like without being jealous, and this is an extension of that.


I got this impression from this particular post of yours. Is my interpretation of this post wrong?

No, not at all. All I meant was there has always been trust and no jealousy in our relationship. If I want to go away with mates, then fine. Likewise for her. If we are out together, if she is flirty with other guys, I never feel jealous. I have really noticed that we are more trusting than other relationships when mates sometimes say "Are you OK with that?" when all she is doing is chatting to someone else at a bar. Turns out there is a limit to this though, which I have found out with this whole experience. We were certainly pretty crazy back when we met though, so the switch to a committed relationship was quite a contrast to our lives leading up to that if that makes sense. So that is why we have always tried (within reason up until now) to not dictate how the other ones leads their lives. And if this reads wrong to anyone, no, that doesn't mean that either of us has done anything to hurt the other in that way up until this point. Unfortunately it seems like the wrong person came along at the wrong time and it ignited that part of her brain from years ago. Add in boredom in our relationship and we end up where we are...

posts: 170   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: UK
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Gutpunch ( member #63088) posted at 2:43 PM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2023

Ozzy

I suggest you read up on codependency. I just read this entire thread, and I

am shocked at the level of abuse you are willing to tolerate. Your cheater

wife is a master manipulator and is working you like a marionette. This

affair and your pain is far from over. Don't hide behind your kids as a

reason to not take action. Don't take me as some angry guy triggered by your

story either. It's been well over a decade since my experience and I was able

to reconcile with my wife. Please look into the following books and get some

individual counseling for yourself. I wish you the best and hope you can take

your life back.

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover

Married Man Sex Life Primer by Athol Kay

[This message edited by Gutpunch at 3:58 PM, Tuesday, April 4th]

posts: 159   ·   registered: Mar. 19th, 2018   ·   location: AL
id 8785652
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ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 3:13 PM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2023

he never said it was just physical fun, she admitted she really likes him. She is actually mostly gutted now as she has lost a friend rather than the physical side. However, unfortunately by being with him it has increased her feelings towards him (obviously) so she is now hurting even worse.

What is is that she likes about him? Is it the way he cheats on his wife? How about the way he risks his children's emotional and financial security? The way he interfered in your family? His sterling values? How does she fail to see herself in this guy's disgusting treachery?

You keep saying that your situation is so different, Ozzy, but from the moment she threatened your family dynamic to get her way, she became a garden-variety, cheating, manipulator. Her "honesty" is corrupt and self-serving. It's a tool she uses to serve her own agenda. Her version of "integrity" doesn't represent REAL values. If it quacks like a duck, it's a duck, right? Her behavior is what cheaters do. She's not better. She's not more unusual. She's just gotten away with it so far. Even her threat to leave you turned out to be the typical empty one because what she really wanted was to fool around with impunity and not lose anything. Let's not forget that the "talking" started much earlier.

I'll be honest with you... I'm not sure I would choose to reward that behavior with a vacation just now. Oftentimes, WS's think we should be so grateful that they're still around that we'll fail to demand real change from them. That's how disconnected from reality they can be. shocked

Since you're going anyway, try to spend time with your kids. Get some relaxation in if you can. Try not to get dragged into any further concessions or promises. Your WW is going to have work to do at some point if she wants to salvage your marriage. It might be smart to refrain from giving her reassurance that this has all blown over.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 8

posts: 7049   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8785654
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 3:34 PM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2023

So hard to describe in a forum. Both things are true at the same time. I felt painted into a corner as she would want to leave me to get what she wanted. I thought this was a binary choice - she leaves me or I agree to this. I agreed to this. I tried to get my head around the binary choice of losing the kids vs agreeing to it, and tried to make my peace with it.

Sorry, there is no having it both ways. Either you felt pressured to acquiesce to her affair or you actively encouraged it. Either you were afraid of losing your marriage or you were confident this whole time that your wife was willing to put you first and wouldn’t blow up your family in order to have fun on the side

Most importantly, if she wanted to end the affair, she would’ve done it. You wouldn’t have had to ask her to stop… and she certainly wouldn’t have begged you not make her stop.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1950   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8785658
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 Ozzy1788 (original poster member #83108) posted at 3:37 PM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2023

Completely off topic for a moment - how do I make this thread for members only? I saw some other threads where that is the case and it would be good if this was the same.

posts: 170   ·   registered: Mar. 23rd, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8785660
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fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 3:43 PM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2023

Ozzy:

I think you need time to work through your trauma of the bomb that was dropped on your life. You will figure out what you want. Don’t beat yourself up. None of us were perfect in our response to infidelity.

"Unfortunately it seems like the wrong person came along at the wrong time and it ignited that part of her brain from years ago. Add in boredom in our relationship and we end up where we are..."

I want to address this statement. Every day millions of married folks go through life feeling ignored, disconnected, unloved or distant, but they never cheat on their spouse. Why: because they made a sacred vow to be faithful no matter the status of the M. Every M involves boredom. It is never an excuse to cheat. Your WW pursued the AP because she wanted to do it. Period. It had nothing to do with your M or anything you did or didn’t do. She is supremely selfish as all cheaters are. She is not devoted to you and your family. Only to herself. If she does not do major IC and work on herself, I think this will become more clear to you as time passes on, and she meets another AP who she finds attractive. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3885   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8785664
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 4:03 PM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2023

Excellent post by CT. Read it again,and then again.

Blue..I don't think he's lying. I think his wife has been mindfucking him for a very long time. As CT said,she is a master manipulator, and any honesty is self serving. I think Ozzy is in deep denial. He needs to believe his wife is 100% honest. He believes she only told OM about her feelings because he told her too. When, the truth is, OM is an old boyfriend, so she knew from the moment she started talking to him, that she had feelings for OM. He needs to believe he told her not to do xyz in bed with OM, because certain acts were special to him, and that she didn't do them because she came home and told him so.

He loves her. So he needs to believe her bullshit. We don't love her. We've seen this story play out a thousand times. We can see right through her. He can't do that, yet. And until he takes control of this situation, and realizes the pedestal he has her on isn't doing him any favors, he's going to continue to be in denial.

[This message edited by HellFire at 4:05 PM, Tuesday, April 4th]

I will be everywhere you look,but nowhere to be found. And that will be my revenge.

posts: 6683   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8785666
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Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 4:25 PM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2023

This reminds me of my parents' story. My parents got married when both of them were very young. Both are each others first. Both came from relatively poor families. My father runs a business. It was doing decently well. Their marriage did have occasional hiccups, but overall, it was a happy marriage. Then, after 15 years of their marriage, two misfortunes hit our family. My father made a bad business deal that cost us most of our finances, and then later we got robbed. Both these incidents completely destabilized us financially. We were so much struggling that my parents couldn't finance mine (I was 12) and my sister's (9) education for a while. So, they sent both of us to our uncle's home. My uncle's family are really great people. They took us in, fed us, and even paid for our education for 3 years.

My mother wasn't happy about us being sent to our uncle's house. She was embarrassed and ashamed by the fact that we were sent because of their financial inability to finance our education. This made her bitter towards my father. She constantly blamed my father for our misfortune, and they constantly fought each other almost every day. I used to have nightmares of them divorcing and our family falling apart. That was a difficult period in their marriage. Both of them struggled every day for 3 years. They definitely need some kind of 'escapism'. Both of them were responsible for the state of their marriage at that time. Both had plenty of reasons to cheat on each other. My mom could have had an exit affair to escape from her 'looser' husband. My father could have had an affair to escape from his 'nagging and annoying' wife. But, they didn't. Both, despite all the toxicity and unbearable struggles, remained extremely loyal to each other and eventually made through this difficult phase successfully. Now, having defeated difficult challenges of their marriage, they are extremely happy with each other. Their marriage is stronger than ever. All I am trying to say is that every marriage has its ups and downs. There are moments of excitement and moments of boredom. Moments of lack of passion and moments of hyper passion. Moments of lack of attraction and moments of abundance attraction. Relations are always complex. It's never linear. Only things that keep relation alive are fidelity and loyalty. As long as the relation is alive, it can be worked through. People cheat because they are inherently flawed and lack strong values. Your wife cheated because she is flawed and weak in values and not because she has a bad marriage.

Also, I am sorry for my incorrect interpretation of your post.

[This message edited by Lurkingsoul12 at 4:39 PM, Tuesday, April 4th]

posts: 457   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8785677
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 4:27 PM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2023

Hellfire, I completely agree with you. I don’t think Ozzy’s lying to anyone except himself.

I pointed out the discrepancies because it’s clear that he’s struggling with cognitive dissonance. I’m asking the questions that he trying to avoid asking himself.

But I also know that Ozzy’s wife could teach a master class in manipulation. She’s completely convinced him that he was complicit in his own victimization.

Worst of all, he clearly sees her as the higher-value partner in the relationship… and she knows it.

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1950   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8785679
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Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 4:37 PM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2023

I think the dilemma here is who was in the control? Ozzy believes he was in the control. She started affair because he GAVE the blessings. He TOLD what she should do and shouldn't do during her sexual liason with her AP. He TOLD her to tell her AP that she has feelings for him. Throughout the affair, he thought he was in control and her honesty with him made him feel indeed he was in control. But, the moment she told OP that she doesn't desire him but her AP, he realized he lost his control. That is when he started feeling uncomfortable and uneasy about this whole affair. I have to say, Ozzy wanted to control this affair so that it wouldn't become a threat to his family. But, he underestimated the temptation of affair and overestimated his wife's integrity.

posts: 457   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8785682
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ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 4:38 PM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2023

Completely off topic for a moment - how do I make this thread for members only? I saw some other threads where that is the case and it would be good if this was the same.

You know, Ozzy, I'm not sure. I've forwarded your question to administrators. There is an options when one opens a new thread to check the box for member's only, but as far as changing an established thread, we'll have to get some clarification. smile

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 8

posts: 7049   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8785683
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BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 6:23 PM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2023

From Ozzy's first post:

About 6 weeks ago my wife sprung on me that she lost physical attraction for me years ago, and that our sex life hasn't been great for a long time. This absolutely floored me as I have always been up for sex and thought that she just didn't have the drive I have. Also I have felt that our marriage, while having ups and downs, has always been pretty amazing. We do great things together, have incredible holidays, and there are plenty of times when we have had great sex.

In the background and ex contacted her on FB about 4 years ago. It was just messaging back and forth and then about 2 years ago they met up in person. I was always fine with this as I am not a jealous person, and she always (truthfully) told me that there were no feelings there. But I did always question his motives.

Anyway 2 weeks after the initial chat she acknowledged that she does have feelings for this other guy. This again totally floored me, and I feel like a mug. But after a lot of chats, reading and listening to Esther Perel and the like, I can totally understand where she is coming from. After being together so long things are not going to be the same as they were, and it is totally understandable that these things can happen.

If it wasn't for the kids we would have separated, but she says (and I believe her) that she sees us together longer term. She just needs this escape at this point in our lives. After a lot of chatting I reluctantly agreed that she should do what she needs to do.

I bolded the parts that stood out as relevant to me because they do not portray a person who, as he claims, was fully informed of the situation, was given an opinion as to how it progressed, and wasn't in a state of duress. She originally portrayed the situation as "just friends" and blindsided Ozzy her feelings for her ex. She only told him about her romantic intentions after the affair was imminent. There was a covert threat that either he went along with this or they would separate.

All of the other stuff-- Ozzy's wholehearted blessing from the start, her not realizing the intensity of her feelings, and her sudden realization that she needed to end the affair-- are a rewrite of history.

[This message edited by BluerThanBlue at 6:27 PM, Tuesday, April 4th]

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1950   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8785696
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