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Newest Member: Watermelonhigh

Just Found Out :
Told my wife it is like living with a stranger

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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 3:58 AM on Thursday, June 15th, 2023

There is some peace in finally having direction. And it really does get better — trust that you will get to that place, because you will.
When you are ready, there’s a good post pinned in the S/D forum that may be helpful.

Now focus on you.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 6069   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8795310
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lrpprl ( member #80538) posted at 1:27 PM on Thursday, June 15th, 2023

It is ironic that the AP is put on a pedestal but it is the BS who has to deal with the day to day stuff.
In my case that means being her reading eyes, telling her what temperature she has the oven on, or what the label on a jar says, or reading the captions on TV, or the hundred other occasions during the day.
To say nothing of being there when her frustration spills out because she cannot see very well at the moment, and that is driving her crazy.
Yes I would just love to see the AP dealing with all that, but of course they do not have too because their world is the world of fantasies.

You posted the above about a month ago. Once her affair partner has to deal with what you have dealt with you can rest assure the bloom will fall off that rose. As a previous poster said you need to expect some love bombing in the near future. Their fantasy is about to burst.

posts: 286   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8795334
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 Iamenough666 (original poster member #83217) posted at 8:29 PM on Thursday, June 15th, 2023

I can't believe she would try to love bomb me, but as the title of this thread says I really do not know who she is anymore. I also admit that you have all been spot on so far.

I will mentally prepare for that in case she tries.

Spent this morning by doing practical things such as sorting out my council tax and other stuff. As I do not have a forwarding address for her they had to phone her to get this, so she already knows that I am getting on with sorting out my finances etc.

Spent the afternoon with a friend just talking, she is also divorced so has been through this.

I have another friend coming round tomorrow to help me move some furniture, change the use of some rooms and basically help me 'claim the space' as he put it.

WS is coming round on Saturday morning to take away the chickens (we kept a few in the back garden) and I do not want to be looking after them. So I am already steeling myself for that.

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 82   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8795403
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lrpprl ( member #80538) posted at 9:23 PM on Thursday, June 15th, 2023

You will be fine. It is going to take some time. Just try to stay as active as you can. It will help you think of something besides what you are going through.

You got this. We are all pulling for you.

posts: 286   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8795411
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FunHouseMirror ( member #80992) posted at 10:22 PM on Thursday, June 15th, 2023

Your friend who is coming to help you claim your space is a gift. I'm so glad you have him!

posts: 248   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2022
id 8795421
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1994 ( member #82615) posted at 11:06 PM on Thursday, June 15th, 2023

You are clearly a kind soul, and karma will treat you well. Keep improving your health and remaining active, and please continue posting here, even (especially) on bad days. There will be a few, but good days will follow.

posts: 166   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8795427
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Abalone123 ( member #82896) posted at 4:52 AM on Friday, June 16th, 2023

You seem like a very kind compassionate human being . I hope that turmoil of the last few months will be over now that a decision has been made. You did your best, she wasn’t good enough for you.

Please take time to grieve and get this whole thing out of your system. You have better things in store for you. Hang in there.

posts: 284   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2023
id 8795458
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Talisman ( member #75398) posted at 5:22 AM on Friday, June 16th, 2023

So has she been sleeping with him all this time?

posts: 104   ·   registered: Sep. 11th, 2020   ·   location: UK
id 8795463
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 9:55 AM on Friday, June 16th, 2023

Hello. I just read your thread, what growth and self empowerment I saw from the first post to the last. Wow. I am sorry this has happened, you may look back a year from now and think of this as a change that has positive aspects for you despite the pain you are going through.

Your wife called you predictable which is ironic because her behaviour is straight out of the cheaters handbook. None of her actions surprised me as I read.

Please Put yourself first. Your happiness is your priority, not hers.

She made her choice.

Standing tall

posts: 2227   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8795475
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 Iamenough666 (original poster member #83217) posted at 12:10 AM on Saturday, June 17th, 2023

Totally exhausted tonight as I have had a very busy but productive day.

I got a message from WS this morning to say she wanted to collect the double (marital) bed on Saturday when she collects the chickens. I have dismantled it and placed it by the door so it is ready for her. I know this seems over generous but there is a purpose.

I have totally reclaimed the house, I have moved my things into the larger bedroom,moved the furniture, even removed a canvas wall hanging that she liked and replaced it with a framed football shirt(soccer to our American friends), I also went and bought new bedding. There is nothing left in the room to show she has ever lived here. She had also left a lot of stuff lying around the house and things of hers in the bathrooms. I decided that these things were in MY way so boxed them and put them with the pile of chicken stuff she is collecting.

I mostly work from home and for the last 3 years my office has been in a garden building we have, properly built with electric etc, today I have moved my office into my old bedroom in the house, and turned the garden building back into a gym which was it's original purpose.

Basically every room in the house has been changed in some way, even if this was only moving the furniture round so the room looks different.

I needed to do this for myself so the house feels different, but suspect she is going to get a hell of a shock tomorrow when she realises I have changed everything in less than 48 hours since she left,she will not be expecting that but hopefully it shows her that I accept her decision and I am moving on with my life.

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 82   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8795697
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 Iamenough666 (original poster member #83217) posted at 10:32 AM on Saturday, June 17th, 2023

OK, WS turned up with her son and a friend to collect the chickens and bed. I was cool, calm and collected throughout, totally had my game face on. Then got emotional and had a little cry when she was no longer here to see it, she will never see me like that again.

Surprisingly it was her that seemed to be emotional and found the experience hard. She walked through the house so I hung back and just heard "BLOODY HELL" when she realised everything had changed, she also seemed to notice every detail, even the new bedding and that a football shirt had replaced her canvas on the bedroom wall. I think a huge dose of reality hit her at that moment.

I handed her the unopened post and she tried several times to engage in conversation but all I would talk about was the stuff she was collecting, I totally refused to speak about anything else other than when she is coming to get the rest of her clothes etc.

Then just before she left, she tried to kiss me. WTF. I backed off, put my hand up and made it clear no way.

We had a quick peck on the cheek and a brief hug to say goodbye just before she moved out, and as far as I am concerned that was it. There is no reason for her to touch me, or kiss me again. I am done with that. Her choices and her actions have caused this situation, not mine and she has to understand that reality.

I have 3 fantastic friends who have really stepped up and are supporting me, they are totally bossing me about at the moment, lol, I was under strict orders to whatsapp 2 of them when she had gone, the 3rd does not do social media but he is coming round later today to see me and see how it went this morning.

[This message edited by Iamenough666 at 10:46 AM, Saturday, June 17th]

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 82   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8795723
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lrpprl ( member #80538) posted at 1:53 PM on Saturday, June 17th, 2023

Keep up the good work. You are getting to the place you need to be.

Good luck.

posts: 286   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8795728
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FunHouseMirror ( member #80992) posted at 3:41 PM on Saturday, June 17th, 2023

I love what you've done to the place! And yourself! Total overhaul for the better! You are rocking this. Even if it doesn't feel like it at times, just know, you have SO much to be proud of.

posts: 248   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2022
id 8795735
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fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 6:41 PM on Saturday, June 17th, 2023

You handled the situation very well. So glad to read you have supportive friends. Understand it is very common for a WS who leave for an AP to want to remain friends. Thus the attempt to kiss you. The motivation is purely selfish IMO. If you can be affectionate and remain friends, then it helps alleviate any guilt, and she can feel like what she has done is not so bad. You handled her attempt to be affectionate perfectly. Moving forward, no contact will be your best friend. Only communicate in writing about D matters. Keep working on you and focus on what you want in life. Always value yourself. You will reach indifference. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3898   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8795754
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 Iamenough666 (original poster member #83217) posted at 10:53 PM on Saturday, June 17th, 2023

My support network has been in full swing today, 2 friends have been round and the third was on the phone for over an hour, I am very grateful for their support.

I was talking to the divorced friend who has known both of us for many years and was telling her about how WS was behaving this morning, that she got emotional and seemed over-whelmed, she couldn't wait to leave. My friend believes that WS would have been expecting to arrive this morning to find nothing had changed in the house and that I would be an emotional wreck in the corner.

Instead she got a calm confident BS, who has changed the whole house round and physically shied away from her affection. She says that WS has suddenly realised that she has lost control of the situation, and me, and that I have taken back the power and control over my own life. That all does make sense.

I did feel sympathy for WS this morning despite the pain she is causing me because the whole experience was upsetting her so much, I guess that says a lot more about me as a person than it does her. I can understand that it must have been a shock to see the house she has spent many years living in has suddenly changed, but she has made her decision and now needs to live with the consequences.

Our friend also believes it will be a very short time before WS realises that she has made a huge mistake and wants to talk about moving back in, she unfortunately had the same thing happen with her own WS a few years ago. I need to get myself mentally prepared for that possibility as right now I am not ready to deal with that emotion.

A couple of months ago I was mentally ready for her to leave, realise she had made a mistake and I would probably have taken her back. But I am no longer where I was 2 months ago and could not even contemplate moving towards R anymore. I told her right at the start of this process when she could not make a decision that there would come a point when I would have just had enough, and the pain would just be too great to continue. Her comments this week, actually moving out, and telling me that she knew a month ago but did not tell me because of my mental health problems has pushed me past that point.

I cannot understand how she could know all that time, but be more and more affectionate to me each day so I really believed that she wanted to move to R. How could she kiss me, hold me and talk to me the way she did all the time knowing she had decided to leave. I truly have been living with a stranger.

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 82   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8795782
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 3:24 AM on Sunday, June 18th, 2023

It sounds like you did great during the visit. It is so tough, but it sounds like you handled it like a rock star. Being able to hold it together until she left is a major milestone.

It's difficult for normal people to realize the disordered thinking of other people. She probably thought that you could all be friends. My XWH was the same way. I told him that I'm not friends with people who cheat and treat others like the way he did. It's baffling.

Anyway, great job in making your space your own and owning it.

You may want to brace yourself for your WS may figure out that the grass really wasn't greener and wanting to come back.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3584   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8795792
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Western ( member #46653) posted at 3:46 AM on Sunday, June 18th, 2023

don't be broken. Stay resilient.

Her decision, not yours. Keep moving on with your life. Have a great and aggressive counsel and let her live with her consequences. You will see that once youmove forward without looking back, your life will improve dramatically. APs problem now. Not yours.

Don't take her back either because once the relationship fails on her end, she will want a reprieve.

You deserve better.

I am shocked that she wanted to kiss you. I mean really ?

That is like someone who stabbed me offering a band aid

posts: 3608   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2015   ·   location: U.S.
id 8795795
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 8:00 AM on Sunday, June 18th, 2023

To somewhat understand the cheater, she behaved the way she did to ease her guilt. If she believes you are still friends, then she can tell herself she made the right choice and you understand and accept it. Because you want the best for the cheater too.

She wants to think you are still friends. That you are still going to be her emotional support person.

The audacity!

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13978   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8795800
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 Iamenough666 (original poster member #83217) posted at 10:34 AM on Sunday, June 18th, 2023

Just had a big Ouch moment, I was tidying an ottoman and in the bottom was her rucksack, it was open and inside was her secret lingerie stash. All items I recognised and had bought.
So she has been wearing lingerie I bought her, for him, that is cold.

Phoned a friend and talked to her for a while just to get over the shock.

Talking to my divorced friend yesterday she said brace yourself because more revelations are going to come out, yep just had my first one.

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 82   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8795804
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 2:00 PM on Sunday, June 18th, 2023

Ouch! That's cold!

Good job in reaching out to a friend.

If you need it, there's a thread in the D/S forum where you can post and stay NC with the XWW. It's a great place to vent.

Although you may not feel like it, you are doing great.

[This message edited by leafields at 2:01 PM, Sunday, June 18th]

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3584   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8795811
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