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Newest Member: May28

Just Found Out :
Told my wife it is like living with a stranger

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 Iamenough666 (original poster member #83217) posted at 10:37 PM on Monday, June 19th, 2023

Need advice.

I have been communicating with WS via whatsapp to agree when she is coming to get more of her things, what she is taking etc. I have also started the D process. I have received the form and will fill it in this week, then just need her to counter-sign it. The process in the UK is more straight-forward when you submit a joint application, partly because we do not have 'at fault' divorces anymore.

However some of her communications are a little strange and it seems as if the speed of the process is upsetting and over-whelming her. I am by nature a pretty much organised and practical person, who once decisions have been made get on with it asap (my work life has trained me for this). I am now applying the same principles to the D, hence wanting her things gone, and wanting to get the D process and financial settlement underway, it still takes at least 7 months even if parties agree.

I get that she has lost control of the situation but do not understand why that should matter any longer. SHE is getting what SHE wanted, namely to live with AP, so why should it be a problem that I am being practical and giving her what she needs, namely a D. Is she getting upset because I am coping so well and not being an emotional mess, but again why should that matter. She left to live with AP and if there are still any caring feelings left for me, surely she should be happy that I am coping and just getting on with it in a calm and practical manner.

I understand that she is concerned about this process getting ugly, by all accounts her first D was a real humdinger, her first husband still cannot be civil to her all these years later. They rarely communicate but occasionlly have to because of their children, BUT I am not him. I have assured her several times over the last 2 months that although this is not what I wanted, if we got to D I wanted it to be calm and amicable. There is no need for this to be argumentative, the decision has been made and the best outcome for both of us is now to work through the process and then go our seperate ways.

She said to me last week that she has only told 2 friends, I went to visit 1 of them today because she had a spare key to our house and I wanted it returning. I talked to her for a short time and it is quite clear that although she is a friend to WS, she thinks she has lost the plot and does not approve of her actions at all.

Totally confused

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 81   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8796016
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Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 11:07 PM on Monday, June 19th, 2023

I guess only waywards can answer to your confusion. Only they know what goes in their mind.

Her struggle is her problem. You need not worry about it. You are really doing great. You are firm and decisive. Keep doing what you are doing. Let go of her not only from your actions which you are already doing it greatly but also from your thoughts. I know it's easier said than done but it's possible and that's the only way out.

I am proud of what you have done to your house and your immediate surroundings. That decisiveness and initiative is very much applauded here.

posts: 457   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8796018
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Western ( member #46653) posted at 12:42 AM on Tuesday, June 20th, 2023

well, it seems like you know the gameplan. Good for you. Keep moving forward

posts: 3608   ·   registered: Feb. 4th, 2015   ·   location: U.S.
id 8796032
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fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 2:20 AM on Tuesday, June 20th, 2023

From my perspective, you are taking a positive path to survive infidelity, doing the right things. Continue to focus on you. Do not worry about her actions or what she is thinking. She is your past. No contact or discussions with your WW is your best path to healing. In writing only if possible.

I do not know your WW, but the behavior you describe is not uncommon for someone cheating on their spouse. She checked out of your M five years ago, cut you off from sex, and told herself she was unhappy focusing on your shortcomings. Realize there are no perfect spouses. You are not perfect. Your WW is not a perfect spouse. Instead of digging deep and working with you to improve your M, she went behind your back and cheated. Supremely selfish and self absorbed. What you will often hear from the cheating spouse of your WW’s age leaving for the AP: "I deserve to be happy!". But then reality hits!

Her fantasy was all built on lies and exaggerations. And worse, you are not sobbing in a darkened room after losing her wonderfulness. You are promptly moving on with your life as you should. Accepting reality and moving ahead with D. And selfishly she realizes she is losing her beloved gardens, beautiful home and caring BH, to go live in a dumpy place with her AP.

So, is she equivocal because she is losing her BH, or because she is losing all of the things you provide? I think you know the answer. She will end up being unhappy in her new life with the AP, because that is who she is.

Keep moving ahead post haste. A better life awaits. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3885   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8796048
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Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 6:17 AM on Tuesday, June 20th, 2023

And, another thing. WS always think they are the prize. So, your wife too thinks she is the prize. Your actions has shown her that she is not the prize. And, that she is unable to digest.

posts: 457   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8796066
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Clint ( member #11711) posted at 7:08 AM on Tuesday, June 20th, 2023

Glad to see your journey from start to finish. As far as her crawling back...if my wife had actually left the premises to move in with another man, I wouldn't have cared if she wound up on a park bench shivering under newspapers. I'm sure you won't cave in :)

posts: 3478   ·   registered: Aug. 16th, 2006
id 8796068
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grubs ( member #77165) posted at 4:06 PM on Tuesday, June 20th, 2023

I talked to her for a short time and it is quite clear that although she is a friend to WS, she thinks she has lost the plot and does not approve of her actions at all.

Your WS is likely starting to realize that herself. There's this thing that happens with long term leadership turnover. When the group meets to focus on what to look for in a replacement, there's a tendency to concentrate on the leaving leader's gaps in ability over the traits that made the leader effective. This is a reason why the first replacement leader tends to be short lived. You end up with a leader mismatch to company values and needs. The leaving leader's strengths were taken for granted. WS do that when they pick APs. They look for someone that is different ,whether in fantasy or reality, than their BS. AP is decisive vs BS being collaborative. AP is spontaneous vs BS being organized. It's not until the dust settles until they realize what they took for granted was more important than they considered.

She left to live with AP and if there are still any caring feelings left for me, surely she should be happy that I am coping and just getting on with it in a calm and practical manner.

That doesn't fit her narrative. She was so special and desired by both that she just had to make a difficult choice. You moving on so quickly undercuts that. Probably a lil bit of her dismissing your case as being too needy, emotional, and broken (who wouldn't be) in being the better choice. Keep walking free as fast as you need. How she feels about that is no longer your concern. She made her choice.

[This message edited by grubs at 4:07 PM, Tuesday, June 20th]

posts: 1582   ·   registered: Jan. 21st, 2021
id 8796102
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farsidejunky ( member #49392) posted at 10:20 PM on Tuesday, June 20th, 2023

Think of her concerns about the speed of the divorce as a hole in a bucket. No matter how much water gets added (your reassurances), it will still eventually empty, and she will be back to being anxious yet again. The hole in the bucket is HER problem, not yours, and any energy you put into filling it is futile without her choosing to plug it.

Your motto should be something akin to, "Not my circus, not my monkeys."

“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”

-Maya Angelou

posts: 669   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2015   ·   location: Tennessee
id 8796164
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 Iamenough666 (original poster member #83217) posted at 11:51 AM on Wednesday, June 21st, 2023

OMG this morning was so tough. WS has been to the property with a van to collect more of her belongings and today seemed so much worse than Saturday when she came back the first time, I think perhaps I was too numb on Saturday to feel much, but now I have had a week to process the situation it felt much harder.

Also on Saturday she only took things that were clearly her possessions, and the chickens that I did not want. This morning we have been through joint possessions such as kitchen appliances, saucepans etc, things that in my mind are possessions of the M and that we have both jointly bought and used. That felt so much harder than her taking her own things. With hindsight I should have realised that it was going to feel different, but I did not.

However I coped until she had gone before getting upset. She also wanted to chit chat about things she had done this week, I just did not engage and only discussed things she was taking, I was very polite but just not interested. She was totally under-prepared and did not bring nearly enough boxes, or space on the van to take what she had said she wanted to take today, so a lot of things will need to be collected on at least 1 more visit. Again it seemed to get to the point where she was over-whelmed and just wanted to leave, which she did.

We have agreed that I will let her know which morning or afternoon I am available next week for her to collect more belongings, and I also told her that when she comes on that day I want to complete the D form so this can be sent off.

So tough morning, but spent an hour on the phone with a friend afterwards, and have another friend coming round this evening to see how it went and give me someone to talk (vent) too, as well as you good people of course. I am very thankful I found this website because it has helped a lot to hear your thoughts, know that other people have survived this mess, and your advice has helped me prepare for what WS is going to do next, you are always correct. Thank you all very much.

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 81   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8796241
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FunHouseMirror ( member #80992) posted at 1:01 PM on Wednesday, June 21st, 2023

You did well. It may not feel like it right now, but you did.

As far as what she will do next, I predict she keeps drawing out collecting her stuff, and keeps picking at you trying to get you to show some emotion. Do not do so. No matter what it takes, do not do so. Just be pragmatic and matter of fact with her. Most of the things she will want to talk about with you can go through your attorneys and that's what you should advise her to do.

Keep the faith!

posts: 248   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2022
id 8796249
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Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 1:52 PM on Wednesday, June 21st, 2023

Don't dwell too much on what she will do next. Because it doesn't matter. If she comes back to you then you might not want to take her back because she is not the person you loved but the person no sane person would want to live with. If she doesn't come back then... you know what I mean. She is a dead end for you now. There is no way forward with her even if she comes back. So, thinking what she is feeling or what she will do next is pointless. She is a dead end.

Its good that you reached out to your friends to vent and for comfort. You have healthy coping mechanisms. I very positive you will escape infidelity. You will be in a better position very soon. Keep the good works.

posts: 457   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8796251
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 Iamenough666 (original poster member #83217) posted at 10:39 PM on Saturday, June 24th, 2023

If she comes back to you then you might not want to take her back because she is not the person you loved but the person no sane person would want to live with.

I have already reached the same conclusion, there is no way I will take her back if she comes running because I do not like the person she has become. If she ever wanted to see if we could find a way forward together from this mess, it will be on my terms, at my pace and she will need to convince me that she has changed and can be a partner that I want to be around. How she has behaved for the last few years is definately not someone I want to be with.

Despite the pain I am really enjoying the time to myself, I am very busy but do love the changes I have made and that all decisions are made only having to think of myself, I have never experienced that freedom before and it does feel good.

On a positive note, I had an interview yesterday for a promotion at work, something I have been working towards for a long time, I got the job and will start my new role on 1st July.

I have arranged for WS to come round next Thursday to collect more belongings but it seems that she is in no rush to take everything, she just wanted to come round and collect her pottery and some glassware that she wants. I do not feel that these repeated visits are helping me so have left the delicate items for her to pack and I spent 7 hours today packing everything else. Her books, CDs, DVDs, various other possessions, the bedding that her family use when they came to stay with us and loads of spare towels, sheets, bedding etc that I would rather see the back of. I have even cleared out the whole of the loft space and made sure everything of hers has been added to her pile. Everything is neatly boxed or bagged so easy to collect. Once this stuff has gone there will be nothing left in the house for her to collect. I know she wants some bits from the garden but I will probably arrange not to be here when she collects those.

When I was sorting out the spare bedding I did have a little smile at the thought of her family visiting the new property. She always complains that she does not see her grand-children enough but they did visit pretty regularly. We live in a seaside town and it is literally 10 minutes walk to the beach, needless to say the children love it. Not sure how often they are going to want to visit the new house as this is obviously a dump and miles inland, so no walking to the beach.

Also while packing her books I came across her diaries for the last 3 years, I had a read of 2022 over a coffee and as will come as no surprise to you all they were spending time together much earlier than I was told. WS led me to believe the A started around the end of November, but according to her diary the AP video-called her whilst he was on holiday in Crete presumably with his wife, last May, and they went out for drinks together in June. So this has been going on for 12 months before she decided to leave.

It did make me wonder when/if she would ever have told me if I had not found out and put her in a position where she needed to make a decision and that I would only agree to move to R if she went NC with AP, something she was unable to do.

[This message edited by Iamenough666 at 9:57 AM, Sunday, July 2nd]

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 81   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8796779
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Lurkingsoul12 ( member #82382) posted at 11:07 PM on Saturday, June 24th, 2023

It feels good knowing you're doing better. Based on your posts, you seem like a wise, firm, and level-headed guy. She really is dumb enough to leave a person like you.

Is it not possible to send her belongings to her place of stay through movers? This way she won't have to come to your house. This also sends a message that you won't play her little game and are determined to move on.

You are right. Her lying about when her started doesn't surprise us. It's the second lie WS always tells. You can send her diary back to her.

You are doing well. Take care of your diet and health. There will be moments of sorrow, but you will find a way out of it. We are rooting for you.

And, congrats on your promotion. This shows nothing will stop you.

posts: 457   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2022
id 8796782
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hardyfool ( member #83133) posted at 11:31 PM on Saturday, June 24th, 2023

Also while packing her books I came across her diaries for the last 3 years, I had a read of 2022 over a coffee and as will come as no surprise to you all they were spending time together much earlier than I was told. WS led me to believe the A started around the end of November, but according to her diary the AP video-called her whilst he was on holiday in Crete presumably with his wife, last May, and they went out for drinks together in June. So this has been going on for 12 months before she decided to leave.

From experience you will continue to have moments where the dots connect and you'll deduce even more unpleasant or surprising tidbits.


It did make me wonder when/if she would ever have told me if I had not found out and put her in a position where she needed to make a decision and that I would only agree to move to R if she went NC with AP, something she was unable to do.

She was always able to go NC, she made a choice of him. This is what I have reminded myself when the kids and X were up to their little agenda.

I believe she would eventually dropped the bomb upon you, just it would have been at a time of her complete choosing.

Remember the rest of your life is now what you choose to make of it.

posts: 136   ·   registered: Mar. 27th, 2023
id 8796787
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fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 11:49 PM on Saturday, June 24th, 2023

Congrats on the promotion. Well done during this crap storm. Keep focusing on you. Limit contact with your STBXWW as much as possible. Of course she lied about the length of her A. Comes with Wayward thinking and supreme selfishness. Keep it up!

[This message edited by SI Staff at 12:29 AM, Sunday, June 25th]

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3885   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8796790
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Abalone123 ( member #82896) posted at 7:15 PM on Sunday, June 25th, 2023

Congratulations on the promotion! You are handling everything really well and I am rooting for you.

I know your life will be better from now on, you don’t have a cheating partner weighing you down emotionally any more.

Take care !

posts: 284   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2023
id 8796856
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RocketRaccoon ( member #54620) posted at 9:09 AM on Monday, June 26th, 2023

I would only agree to move to R if she went NC with AP

Re-word that sentence to:

"I would only agree to consider giving her a chance at R if she went NC with AP"

The WS has to earn a shot at R. If their shot falls short of the target because they did not want R enough, then R will not be an option.

As it is, since NC with AP is a non-negotiable for your WW, ergo there is no chance that R can be considered.

You cannot cure stupid

posts: 1146   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2016   ·   location: South East Asia
id 8796915
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 Iamenough666 (original poster member #83217) posted at 9:35 AM on Monday, June 26th, 2023

I have filled out the D application this morning and signed it, just need her to sign it now on Thursday when she collects her stuff, then I can get it registered and get this process underway properly.

We had our 20 year wedding anniversary in February and I do not intend there to be a 21st, so hopefully the D can be fully completed by then.

I was ok while filling out the form as I do these sort of forms daily in my job and I needed to concentrate to get it correct. Signing it was quite hard though, but it is done and feels like a huge step along the path to removing myself from this mess.

We were messaging last night to agree items for her to collect, made me smile because she sent several messages throughout the evening when she thought of something else that she would like to take. Every single item she thought of I had done and was able to message straight back with 'already packed'. A good reminder that I am organised, that I have thought about what items she will want to take, and way ahead of her in this process.

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 81   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8796918
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FunHouseMirror ( member #80992) posted at 9:55 AM on Monday, June 26th, 2023

You are so strong. I know there are times you don't feel that way, but it's quite obvious you are. You'll get over the bumps one at a time.

posts: 248   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2022
id 8796919
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 Iamenough666 (original poster member #83217) posted at 3:39 PM on Tuesday, June 27th, 2023

Had a great nights sleep last night in my brand new double bed. As I mentioned in an earlier post WS took the double (marital) bed with her when she moved out, so now she and AP are sleeping in an old bed that I have shared with my WS.

Whereas I have a new super comfy double bed all to myself (except for the cats), and noone but me will use it unless I decide that they are worth my time and allow them to enter my personal space.

House changes still going at a furious pace, as well as new bedding I have bought new towels and various other items, just things to make the house feel different to me. I have also discovered the theraputic benefits of gardening. Previously WS did all the gardening as it was her passion, but yesterday I spent part of my lunch hour just cutting back and tidying some of the plants. I discovered it is quite satisfying because it looks tidier and more orderly when I had finished, so there was certainly pleasure to be gained from seeing that. Not sure how WS is going to react when she sees it, but it is no longer upto her. When she lived here I let her tend the garden how she wanted, now I live here I will tend the garden how I want.

I am also a bit of a watch collector and have bought myself a new watch to congratulate myself on my promotion. It has been dispatched and I should receive it tomorrow, which is very exciting.

I know it is very early days but at the moment I do feel more relaxed in the house, I am not wondering what she is going to be grumpy or complain about next. Starting to think that despite me trying so hard to preserve the M that this could work out as the better option for me after all. If she stays with AP then I have the chance to write myself a new chapter, and if she wanted to discuss R I would have much healthier boundaries and requirements before I would even consider doing so.

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 81   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8797094
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