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Newest Member: GotLynched

Just Found Out :
Told my wife it is like living with a stranger

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 Iamenough666 (original poster member #83217) posted at 1:58 PM on Wednesday, July 12th, 2023

I am home from the office and now even more suspicious about her actions.

At first glance it appeared nothing had been taken and I just thought she has not been yet, but then I noticed 2 boxes of cat treats on the patio table, and received a whatsapp message to say that the cats have approved the treats, so she has been and gone.

I had a closer look at the garden and there is maybe 2 or 3 courgettes gone and 1 beetroot plant, this has still left loads in the garden. I had assumed that she would take all of them today but it appears she has left an opening to return, possibly again and again.

I will see what happens next but if she thinks she is going to become a regular visitor she is wrong. I do not want to fall out with her, but neither do I want her to keep unsettling me. Maybe next time I will just dig up all of the plants and leave them in boxes on the drive for her to collect.

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 81   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8799112
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lrpprl ( member #80538) posted at 2:51 PM on Wednesday, July 12th, 2023

Maybe next time I will just dig up all of the plants and leave them in boxes on the drive for her to collect.


That sounds like a great idea. The longer you can keep her out of your life the better off you will be.

You are doing great even if you sometimes have doubt. Those thoughts will eventually go away. You are well on your way out of infidelity.

posts: 284   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8799114
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1994 ( member #82615) posted at 3:11 PM on Wednesday, July 12th, 2023

You are handling this incredibly well. If I may offer some unsolicited advice, stop being so British grin You have no obligation to be polite to this person who upended your life so abruptly and cruelly. She signed the D paperwork, and you have no children and no obligations to her. Sounds like you have many loving friends; one more likely won't improve your quality of life. Add to that, I assume none of your other friends broke your heart the way your XW did. She should be no more than a stranger to you. If a stranger asked to come onto your property to pick plants, would you let him or her? I certainly wouldn't, especially a stranger who has proven to have a high capacity for deceit. Of course, you're probably a better person, so you may be willing to.
Please keep posting, and stay strong.

posts: 158   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8799115
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 Iamenough666 (original poster member #83217) posted at 4:15 PM on Wednesday, July 12th, 2023

Thanks 1994 and I do understand the sentiment.

At the moment I am desperately desperately trying to keep the peace and stop this becoming argumentative, and this is for purely selfish reasons.

If we can keep this amicable my life for the next 7 months while we work through the D process will be so much easier and far less costly in terms of legal fees.

So yes I am willing to put up with a bit of nonsense at present as long as it does not get out of hand, and knowing that once this process is over she will not be able to exert any influence over my life at all.

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 81   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8799123
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fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 4:51 PM on Wednesday, July 12th, 2023

You have a very sound strategy. You take the high road and do not foment unnecessary conflict while the D process proceeds. This seems a strategy consistent with your personality. It’s actually a form of grey rock. As long as you can maintain your boundaries and minimize unnecessary contact. It’s a balancing act of being civil with someone who betrayed you so horribly, in pursuit of a greater good and peace moving forward. You are doing well. Keep it up.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3892   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8799127
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DoinBettr ( member #71209) posted at 9:22 PM on Friday, July 14th, 2023

If we can keep this amicable my life for the next 7 months while we work through the D process will be so much easier and far less costly in terms of legal fees.


So you have a light at the end of the tunnel. She will find various reasons to up end your life during those months and assume she can continue after that time frame. You need to prepare yourself for after that time.
Set the boundaries and how you will enforce them after the divorce is finalized.
I would say if you are willing to start putting in some boundaries, ask he if she is still seeing other people. Then ask her how she would feel if you started dating other people since she has made her decision. This will allow you to make your new dating more about her deciding to end things instead of you deciding to hurt her. So many cheaters think the BS moving on is done to hurt them.

posts: 725   ·   registered: Aug. 7th, 2019   ·   location: Midwest
id 8799478
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 10:24 PM on Friday, July 14th, 2023

Hmmm

" understand that she is concerned about this process getting ugly, by all accounts her first D was a real humdinger, her first husband still cannot be civil to her all these years later. They rarely communicate but occasionlly have to because of their children, BUT I am not him"


Presume you have heard only her side of the story?

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1662   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8799481
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 Iamenough666 (original poster member #83217) posted at 6:36 AM on Saturday, July 15th, 2023

Doinbettr - I am concerned about whatever disruption she will cause over the next few months, and will deal with it the best I can. Once the D is final the gloves will be off and I will be as blunt with her as I need to be to ensure no interference and no new hurt.

As for any new partner for myself, as she has chosen to live with AP and share our bed with him, it is none of her business what I do now.

shehawk - Yes I have never spoken to him about their D but have met him on a few family occasions. He seemed to be an unpleasant and grumpy individual, and that is backed up by things that have happened with their children.

Also he was visibly resentful towards me, and could never accept my relationship with his ex-wife. He acted as if I was the reason they split up even though I did not meet her until several years after their D, and despite the fact that she had other partners during those years.

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 81   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8799514
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 Iamenough666 (original poster member #83217) posted at 10:31 PM on Monday, July 17th, 2023

Starting to think that despite me trying so hard to preserve the M that this could work out as the better option for me after all.

There is no longer any doubt about this, I have realised that not only can I cope on my own, I am thriving. I can plan my day and my activities to suit only myself and do not have to take her feelings into account. I have also spent more time with friends and going out than I have done for years.

Also having had the space over the last month to think, I have realised that her grumpiness and general attitude towards me were having a negative effect on my health. Despite the pain, I am feeling more relaxed and comfortable in myself, even to the point that several people have commented on it.

I have continued to make changes to the house, over the last few days I have started redecorating several rooms, removing the feature wallpaper that WS had chosen and painting the walls in colours that I have chosen.

I have also realised that my feelings towards WS have changed, over the weekend a friend asked me about my feelings and I said that I hoped she was happy as I don't hate her and still care about her, but I hoped she was happy without me so that I can move forward with my life, alone or with a new partner if I choose.

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 81   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8799776
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Unsure2019 ( member #71350) posted at 11:25 PM on Monday, July 17th, 2023

Thanks for the day brightner. You keep doing you!

posts: 278   ·   registered: Aug. 21st, 2019   ·   location: California
id 8799782
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 2:31 AM on Tuesday, July 18th, 2023

I love reading your posts, IAmEnough. You seem like such a solid, grounded person with a good heart. Here’s to all your excellent home redecorating skills, your commitment to self care and honesty, and your kind spirit. And here’s to a smooth rest of the divorce process and the beginning of a new life! I think it will be a good one for you.

Husband had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Married 20 years at that point; two teenaged kids. Reconciling.

posts: 630   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8799798
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 Iamenough666 (original poster member #83217) posted at 8:05 AM on Thursday, July 20th, 2023

Whilst tidying up over the last few days I have found some DVDs that I had recorded, this included holiday videos that we had taken together and also family events. I decided to watch these to get the pain out of the way as I have done with photos etc but on this occasion it did not hurt in the way that I had expected.

I actually found that it did not really hurt but did remind me that WS used to be a lot of fun and that we did have good times together. Not sure where that person has gone, but I do not recall her being much fun over the last few years, in fact quite the opposite. It actually felt quite good to recall fun times especially her singing karaoke at my mothers birthday party.

It was quite poignant seeing a video of my late father but again did remind me of happy memories with him.

There has been NC from my WS for over a week so hopefully she got my message last week when I made sure I was not at home when she visited and realises that I want and need space away from her at the moment. At the same time I am still seeing friends and had a cinema trip with a male work colleague yesterday, and spending time with my female divorced friend. We are keeping this light and easy with just some very very mild flirting and joking around. That does feel fun and enjoyable, I am not rushing this but just enjoying the light hearted nature of our friendship.

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 81   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8800145
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lparistotle ( member #78629) posted at 6:13 PM on Friday, July 21st, 2023

Nice job so far. The longer you do things on your own and live by yourself the easier it becomes. It also lets you become more independent from the life you were FORCED to leave behind. It is now in the past and you have to live for the future. Keep in mind this new life may not be the one she thought it was going to be or what she really wants in hinsight, but as you say she gave up on her old life years ago. Not sure how projecting a miserable outlook becomes the responsiblity of the one you love if they are not miserable. That is on her not you.
Keep no contact unless it has to do with the divorce. Your goal is not to be as miserable as her. Live your life and have a good time at it. You are free to make it what you want.

Why did the guys wife kick him out? There must be some insight there and you STBXWW must be figuring out by now. Let her continue to be miserable with him and ignore any complaints she may have. That ship has past.

posts: 51   ·   registered: Apr. 8th, 2021   ·   location: US
id 8800433
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FindingaWayHome ( member #78829) posted at 1:35 AM on Wednesday, July 26th, 2023

How have you been keeping IAE?
Are you still moving forward in moving out of infidelity?
Regards,
FAWH

posts: 131   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2021
id 8800931
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 Iamenough666 (original poster member #83217) posted at 8:48 AM on Wednesday, July 26th, 2023

Hi FAWH, thanks for your interest.

Everything still going well, decorating has slowed down a little due to work commitments but painting still progressing, and yesterday I fitted some strip lighting in the kitchen, both under the wall cupboards to light onto the worktops, and beneath the worktops to shine down the base units and onto the floor. This is smart lighting so I can turn it on by talking to my Alexa (other smart devices are available), and it can be white when working in there, or other colours for decoration. It looks really good.

It appears that STBXWW got the message by me not being here when she last visited as there has been NC since that day, so no new hurts. Talking to friends it seems that she is still having an issue with how fast this has happened and is struggling to deal with the changes in her life. Perhaps I was being a little naive in thinking that this would not affect her because it was her choice, but clearly it has and she is apparently getting upset about this. I know this is no longer my problem but with hindsight I should have realised that this was not going to be completely easy and guilt free for her.

My friends are all still being great and making sure I am still coping/thriving. In particular I have been messaging or seeing my divorced friend every day, I have found her very easy to talk too and we have spent hours discussing everything under the sun. We are keeping this very light and friendly, there has been some mild flirting but nothing more, however it does almost feel as if we both know where this is going but both understand the current situation and are content to let things progress at their own pace, there is no need to rush. She did ask me if I started a new relationship would I consider this infidelity and I said that no I would not. As far as I am concerned the marriage is over and all that is left is some paperwork to formalise that. STBXWW has made her choice and decided that she would rather have a relationship with him, so I no longer owe her any consideration other than to try and make sure the D process is as smooth as possible for both of us.

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 81   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8800952
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lrpprl ( member #80538) posted at 1:06 PM on Wednesday, July 26th, 2023

Thank you for this great update. Your friend asked an interesting question and you answered her correctly in my opinion.

Sounds as though your wife is having a case of buyer's remorse.

Keep your chin up. Be the best you can be moment by moment. That is the way to live your best life.

[This message edited by lrpprl at 1:21 PM, Wednesday, July 26th]

posts: 284   ·   registered: Aug. 12th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8800960
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woodsracer ( member #83407) posted at 12:44 PM on Thursday, July 27th, 2023

Iamenough666, You are an inspiring person. Strength and calm in the face of all of this.

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jun. 1st, 2023
id 8801057
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Blandy ( member #79252) posted at 1:44 PM on Thursday, July 27th, 2023

I am also a bit of a watch collector and have bought myself a new watch to congratulate myself on my promotion.

Ohh!!! What did you get? I too have a bit of a collection. I love to hear about watches! I currently have my eye on an a Christopher Ward Bel Canto, but pulling the trigger would make my wallet hate me. :)

But to get back on topic, congratulations on doing well during this.

posts: 129   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2021   ·   location: TX
id 8801066
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woodsracer ( member #83407) posted at 7:44 PM on Thursday, July 27th, 2023

Funny. I was going to ask about the watch collection. I used to have some really nice but expensive watches. Been having fun with some reasonably priced stuff recently. Glycine, Seiko, been paying attention to Quartz as it keeps time unbelievably accurately.

posts: 56   ·   registered: Jun. 1st, 2023
id 8801112
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 Iamenough666 (original poster member #83217) posted at 8:24 AM on Friday, July 28th, 2023

Ok slightly off topic but the watch I bought for my promotion was a Christopher Ward C60 Atoll 300 in blue with the blue rubber strap, the dial colour on this is just beautiful. I have also been looking for a bronze watch for a while and when I saw the new C60 Pro 300 Bronze I had to have that one as well, I got this with the distressed vintage leather strap. These 2 add to the Christopher Ward that I already owned, a C60 Sapphire Black, I just love the see-through dial on that one.

I also have a Luminox Navy Seal, a Seiko limited edition Prospex Solar Black Series, and a G-Shock, and in my expensive watches I have an Omega Seamaster, a Tag Heuer Aqua Racer and a Bremont MBII. If you are not familiar with the Bremont look it up online, the engineering that went into the design and manufacture is very impressive.

My STBXWW had a Rolex and a Longines.

BH, M 20 years, Dday Apr 2023, Separated June 2023, Filed for D July 2023
Life is not about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away.

posts: 81   ·   registered: Apr. 17th, 2023   ·   location: UK
id 8801184
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