SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I think I just found out again after 8 years earlier on today, I posted a long message but it wouldn't let me, I'm not sure why. If this posts, I'll add more detail!

So sorry you're here. I hope you're able to post an update.

Hi, I used to be a regular back in 2015 onwards. And now I am here again!

This morning I got a parking fine through the post and was confused because it was for a day I was at work. Then I saw it was for the evening and for a hotel car park near our house (alarm bells already!!). Husband said it was him and took the paper off me and said sorry, he'd pay it because it was him.

The explanation was that he sometimes shares lifts to choir so he said he'd picked up someone from the hotel and didn't realise he'd be fined. His hands were shaking slightly and I asked if he was okay, he said he was annoyed at the fine.

This may be a plausible explanation except the sheet said the car was there for 2 hours. I said, "So you left our car there did you?" and he said, oh yes he did, he took the other person's car. I wish I hadn't said that now because I handed him an 'explanation' there but too late now.

I have had all day to mull this over (he's out rehearsing now!) and feel a bit sick and obviously upset. I had a lie down for an hour this afternoon. But I am reasonably calm and not the unbalanced state I was in in 2015.

Oh the other weird thing is - he leaves paperwork by his 'work area' for WEEKS normally. But this has gone. I have been through the bins and I can't find it.

I am trying to work out what to do and what I want out of it. I wish I had gone with my gut instinct in 2015 and left. But now I am in a worse financial position and our kids are teenagers doing exams....it doesn't get easier does it? It gets harder.

I don't know why I am posting this really, I know the drill already. I think I'm going to ask him when he comes home. But if it smells like crap, it probably is, right?

Well this sucks. Obviously your gut is telling you something is off.
Do you know the choir folks well? Do they have people who stay at a hotel? Did he give you a name?

His reaction- shaking hands - seems extreme for a parking ticket, but you know better how he would normally react.

He's in a couple of different choirs and I know some of the people and not others.....I am going to ask him who it was later on.

I have been trying to think whether to ask again or just pretend I've accepted the explanation and watch him like a hawk....this would probably be the best way to catch him out but I am not a good actress so I think I will have to ask him for more information.

I don't think the person could have been staying at the hotel. it's more likely they live somewhere and that was a convenient place to pick them up (no pun intended).

I do think something is off. The handshaking and the way the paper has now disappeared is very odd.

What was the nature of the first affair?

The first affair was physical and emotional, with one of our 'friends'. It went on for 4 or 5 months and ended when the other BS found out.

I was clueless.

Always trust your gut. I agree physically shaking at something as minor as a parking ticket and immediately disposing of the paper - which is out of character for him as you've said - is a dead give away that he was doing something he wasn't supposed to be doing.

He didn't immediately give you the name of whomever he had supposedly picked up to better ease your mind. WS's like to lie by omission a lot.

What's the point in taking the other person's car?

Would he be willing to give you the name and number of the person he supposedly picked up to corroborate his story?

Would you be able to call whichever choir he was performing with that day to confirm he was there when he say he was? As a WH he should not at all be surprised by any of these requests, nor should he push back against them

[This message edited by WonderingGhost at 9:20 PM, Saturday, March 25th]

I was right. He was meeting a woman. He met her in a hotel in London and it's been going on for four or five weeks (apparently). It's just sex (he said) and she is single and he 'thinks' she knows that's all it is. Not that I give a shit about her, I just don't want a crazy lunatic turning up on my doorstep one day.

So that's it. He said if we have a future he'd fight for that. I don't think we have a future because in truth I never fully got over the first one (I am not a very forgiving person) and also there is now an active affair going on.

I have my parents coming over tomorrow for s family day out so that's going to be fun.

Night everyone.

[This message edited by DebraVation at 12:43 AM, Sunday, March 26th]

So sorry he's been doing this to you. I hope you can enjoy some of your family time.

I’m so sorry Debra. I recognize your screen name from years ago.

What a gut punch.

I'm so sorry

These stories always anger me. I'm sorry you have to go through this again. After ALL THE FALLOUT after discovering infidelity, and the GRACE to contemplate...let alone try...to reconcile, you would hope they would have the decency to not put their partner through that again. Absolutely disgusting.

Sorry again.

I am so sorry to hear about this. It’s just too common a theme. I’m not familiar with your story, but did he face any serious consequences after his first affair?

I’m so very sorry. What a nightmare. Please take care of yourself as you navigate the difficulties ahead. Hugs.

Sorry that you had to return here.

He said if we have a future he'd fight for that.

Sounds like a setup for Round 3.

Sending you hugs and strength. Time for a lot of self-care.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 2:28 AM, Sunday, March 26th]

So sorry he cheated again.

Very sorry to read this Debra after you granted the grace of attempting R. Sending strength. Do get tested for STDs. Take care of you and be there for your children. Do not protect him. Be honest with your children and family. I hope you can enjoy some of family tomorrow, but you need to implement the 180, he is in an active A. You have just found out so take care. Remember you will get through this. Your Mmdidnt fail, your WH failed you and his children.

she is single

Cheaters lie. If she is single,why are they meeting in hotel rooms for a few hours? Why not her place?

Oh I know cheaters lie, don't worry. On the face of it he came clean but I know from last time there's always more, and he's only confessed this because he got caught (thank goodness for the parking ticket - the chances of that are minuscule so I expect it's happened before and he hasn't been caught). I don't like the story that they met in a hotel originally either - I suspect he was probably on a dating app or something. Who knows.

Now I can see that the signs were there. For example, he has been doing things to be helpful which is exactly what happened before so that he could convince himself that he was, on some level, being a good husband.

I don't know yet what I am going to do. I can't reconcile but I might go down the line of staying here as a family unit (believe it or not we actually get along alright) until the kids have finished their exams, or at least the eldest has. This would also give me chance to get a better job and sort myself out a bit. I need to think through whether I can do this without ruminating about what he might be up to every time he isn't here.

I don't know if I will tell family etc, it depends what I am going to do....also my parents' health isn't as great as it was last time.