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Newest Member: Timewilltell44

General :
Just upset

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 Dontgetit4 (original poster new member #83048) posted at 7:51 PM on Sunday, March 12th, 2023

Don't really know where to put this I'm new and just upset about my situation. Wife had an affair, confessed, and now stuck in limbo. She's sorry and obsesses over trying to make it up to me, books, counseling, but I just don't care. My life would be ruined if I divorce, it would be borderline unrecoverable for me financially. I feel like I'm being dishonest with her which is stupid, she doesn't know I feel this way. Part of it is I feel that as an abuser she shouldn't get compensation from her victim. She also let herself go which upsets me, not so much that itself, but that she stopped trying with her health and appearance. This sounds terrible but I just don't get what I could want from someone like that. A fat bimbo who gives it up for a few nice words. Sorry for ranting I'm just upset

posts: 49   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2023
id 8781850
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Dorothy123 ( member #53116) posted at 8:04 PM on Sunday, March 12th, 2023

Dontgetit4, Welcome to SI.

It's OK to be upset.

Infidelity hurts in every way possible.

I know all too well.

Please take some time to read the heal library.

So sorry that you are in pain.

One day at time.

"I’ll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!" Wicked Witch of the West.

posts: 5514   ·   registered: May. 7th, 2016   ·   location: a happy place
id 8781855
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Confused282 ( member #79680) posted at 8:10 PM on Sunday, March 12th, 2023

Have you spoken to a lawyer?

Do you know for sure what your situation will be like if you divorce?

If so all you can do is move forward with the intention of getting yourself unstuck.

Health, fitness, finances.

Talk to family and friends or find new people who may be able to help.

Cheap place to rent, new job, ect.

I’m so sorry. It’s ok to feel negative feelings no matter how mean they are.

You can’t control how you feel only how you react to how you feel.

posts: 169   ·   registered: Dec. 16th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8781856
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 8:15 PM on Sunday, March 12th, 2023

Welcome to SI and so sorry you had to find us. Infidelity really sucks. It isn't fair and there's really no justice.

There are some pinned posts at the top of the JFO (Just Found Out) forum that have lots of great information, as well as the Healing Library. (The Healing Library has a list of the acronyms we use.)

I thought my life would be difficult after D. I gave myself 6 month increments to watch my XWH's actions. He was saying he wanted to stay married, went to IC, apologized. It took me awhile to see that he wasn't doing the work. Then, he confessed to inappropriate contact with another person, which was my dealbreaker. I filed for D the week before our 34th anniversary. I had to get a second job for awhile, but D has been so peaceful.

Maybe her A was a deal breaker and you would be better off D. It's tough trying to think through everything and find the right answer for you.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3303   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8781857
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 8:27 PM on Sunday, March 12th, 2023

Hi, welcome to SI.

When was your D-Day (discovery day)? If this is all new, you are probably in shock and not thinking clearly.

Give yourself some time, you might have already hit the anger phase, which is normal.

Another poster suggested contacting a lawyer, consultations are usually free, just to give you an idea what divorce would look like. Knowledge is power. Does your wife work? Do you have children at home?

Where there's a will, there's a way, if you really feel as though you want out of this marriage, look at every option, even a second part-time job to meet financial obligations instead of living in limbo hell.

We generally advise to give yourself six months to figure out your future, but if her A was really a dealbreaker for you, then seek out attorneys, a couple just to give you an idea and advise how you can move forward without a financial burden.

Sorry you are now a member of this club no one wants to join. sad

posts: 12114   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8781858
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 Dontgetit4 (original poster new member #83048) posted at 11:43 PM on Sunday, March 12th, 2023

I found out three months ago. Yeah I've talked to a few lawyers it's all bad. She doesn't work and I have two kids. Child support I'm okay with, though since cheaters also abuse their children will she even use the money for them? I worked hard and she played house.

posts: 49   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2023
id 8781878
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 11:51 PM on Sunday, March 12th, 2023

No fault divorce is profoundly unfair in the case of adultery. I feel for you.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2591   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8781880
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 12:54 AM on Monday, March 13th, 2023

You can try to negotiate a decent offer to her and mediate. If she’s agreeable and won’t run up the legal fees it will be manageable.

You can stipulate alimony for X number of years and she has to work. Her stay at home days are over.

You can get 50/50 custody and lessen Child Support.

She now has to pay half of college tuition and half of their living expenses. It’s no longer 100% on you.

You can separate and not D but not live with her. You get kids 50/50. Hammer out a separation agreement. And then start putting your earnings into accounts that are not joint. Pay her what you need to for a period of time but just get your legal affairs in order.

It sounds to me like there is no hope for a happy Reconciliation for you. If that is true, do not stay with her b/c of money. You can figure out some solution.

Demand a post nup. I have one. It’s legal. And protects me quite nicely if I D my husband for any reason. Cheating or not. And yes we are happily Reconciled.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 12:56 AM, Monday, March 13th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13852   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8781888
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 Dontgetit4 (original poster new member #83048) posted at 4:02 AM on Monday, March 13th, 2023

I'm going to call around more tommorow. But if anyone could answer do both parties need to agree on the postnup for it to even be considered?

posts: 49   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2023
id 8781905
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TooOld ( new member #74671) posted at 4:13 AM on Monday, March 13th, 2023

Re post-nup, yes, both parties have to agree. Depending on your state, they may or may not be enforceable. If they are allowed in your state determine whether or not she has to have her own counsel review to represent her during the negotiation. Even if separate counsel is not required, it is a good idea. Some courts will toss out a pre-nup years later if they find the agreement to one sided and one party did not have counsel. Your local counsel will know what is required in your jurisdiction.

posts: 19   ·   registered: Jun. 25th, 2020   ·   location: SoCal
id 8781906
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Never2late ( member #79079) posted at 4:26 AM on Monday, March 13th, 2023

Extremely unfair. Unfortunately, not uncommon.

posts: 203   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2021
id 8781912
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:06 AM on Monday, March 13th, 2023

It can be dependent on state law. Some states don't allow post-nups.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3303   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8781913
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BallofAnxiety ( member #82853) posted at 6:07 PM on Monday, March 13th, 2023

I'm so sorry you had to find this place, but glad you're here now.

For me, I've really struggled with the idea that my life was going to be affected regardless of what happened. I could never go back to the days before I knew when I thought we were happy. I'm in a different situation than you as my WH has never indicated a desire for R, but realizing my life would be negatively affected regardless of what happened helped me to move forward with the D process. I was also really scared of the financial hit I would take in getting D, but one thing I've realized since is I'd rather take a financial hit than live the rest of my life terrified of another A, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I can, and have, lived on very little money and been happy.

Also, to be blunt, if your WW is feeling guilty you might be in the best possible position to sign a separation agreement. I had a lawyer draw one up quickly and he signed it, despite it being lopsided towards me because he felt guilty (or the closest thing to guilt he's capable of feeling). He gave me the house in full, I don't have to buy him out, and agreed to pay alimony.

Me: BW. STBXH: ONS 2006; DDay 12/2022 "it was only online," trickle truth until 1/2023 - "it was 1 year+ affair with MCOW." Separated and divorcing.

posts: 137   ·   registered: Feb. 8th, 2023   ·   location: USA
id 8781991
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 Dontgetit4 (original poster new member #83048) posted at 7:32 PM on Monday, March 13th, 2023

The problem with the postnup where I am is that I wouldn't get even close to what I'm entitled to. She would sign anything I put in front of her but it wouldn't hold up to any of the idiots that would have to approve it

posts: 49   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2023
id 8782012
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 8:37 PM on Monday, March 13th, 2023

I had my PN signed and notarized. It will hold up (especially years later).

Get the PN. Even if it’s thrown out or may be thrown out, if it’s signed then you have some bargaining power.

As in - hey I plan to D you. I know we have a PN and you can spend tens of thousands of dollars getting it thrown out OR we can settle this here and now.

If you want out - you will Figure this out. Read my earlier post. You are no longer funding her lifestyle forever nor will you have to pay her child support forever either. You can make other arrangements like the college expenses are 60-40 and you manage the funds.

You can drag out a D for as long as necessary until you agree to a financial settlement.

It’s not all about the $. It’s about your life and happiness and healing.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13852   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8782035
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crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 9:15 PM on Monday, March 13th, 2023

For myself personally the financial hit with D far outweighs having stayed with my remorseless NPD serial cheating spouse. My freedom, peace of mind and happiness I have now is worth more than the money I lost.

fBS/fWS(me):50 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:53 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(20) DS(17)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Divorcing

posts: 8734   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8782040
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 Dontgetit4 (original poster new member #83048) posted at 2:39 AM on Wednesday, March 15th, 2023

Unrelated but does anyone get annoyed by the regret/remorse etc? Wanting to get a councilor for herself and us (using my money of course) She's acting like a child

posts: 49   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2023
id 8782273
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 3:03 AM on Wednesday, March 15th, 2023

The sooner you have a separation date (set before divorce is even filed where I live), the sooner you punch the clock on division of assets/alimony. If you are leaning towards D, don't delay.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2591   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8782274
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RangerS ( member #79516) posted at 3:26 AM on Wednesday, March 15th, 2023

You could hold off on divorce for now and tell her to get a job. That should reduce the alimony. If you get 50/50 custody of the children, that should reduce the child support.

posts: 90   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2021
id 8782278
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homewrecked2011 ( member #34678) posted at 4:00 AM on Wednesday, March 15th, 2023

In my state, the WS does not get alimony. Maybe see a couple of attys to see if one could work out something better for you. If nothing else, it gives her fewer law firms to use since you’ve already been there for a consultation.

Sometimes He calms the storm. Sometimes He lets the storm rage, but calms His child. Dday 12/19/11I went to an attorney and had him served. Shocked the hell out of him, with D papers, I'm proud to say!D final10/30/2012Me-55

posts: 5498   ·   registered: Jan. 30th, 2012
id 8782282
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