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General :
Just upset

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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:21 AM on Wednesday, March 15th, 2023

Yes, it really made me mad. He wasn't remorseful - he was sorry he got caught. He wanted to have me around to bring in the cash, do the housework and for him to ignore.

It's ok to be angry. Let the anger out in a healthy way.

ETA: you can have it written in the D papers that if she has a live-in SO or remarries, alimony stops.

[This message edited by leafields at 5:23 AM, Wednesday, March 15th]

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1974   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8782289
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 2:00 AM on Thursday, March 16th, 2023

Hi, your emotions may feel insane. They are not. It is ok to feel the way you do.


I suggest you go to a therapist, or talk to someone who can help you look at this from a distance. You need to have your head on right when making life decisions. And of course infidelity knocks most of us off our game.

I took me a long time to work through some of this. I still get mad sometimes and it was 5 years ago.

If you do decide to divorce, get it done by a pro. Do Not do it yourself. Trust me.

All the best

Yearning for divorce before I pop off

posts: 2053   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8782399
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 Dontgetit4 (original poster new member #83048) posted at 10:01 AM on Thursday, March 16th, 2023

I'm buttering her up for the post nup so it looks like a little bit of therapy is a sacrifice I'll have to make. Like an investment almost

posts: 33   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2023
id 8782423
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FunHouseMirror ( new member #80992) posted at 12:14 PM on Thursday, March 16th, 2023

You should just leave. I really don't think this one will cheat again, and I don't think you can get over the past. Is it really worth spending your life with someone you no longer love/respect just for the money?

posts: 50   ·   registered: Sep. 21st, 2022
id 8782429
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 12:53 PM on Thursday, March 16th, 2023

I’m Suggesting you need to get control of this situation. It should be no post nup signed now — no counseling.

You are still letting the cheater control things and IMO she should have no say and no ability to control anything.

On dday2 when I finally had enough I (sadly) told my H I was D him. He very quickly learned he lost all power of control to mske any decisions concerning me or kids.

He begged to R. I demanded a post nup to consider R. He willingly signed it and it clearly was in my favor.

You don’t need to play "nice". She needs to know you have one foot out the door. And if I were you I’d start cancelling her credit cards and closing accounts to show her you mean business.

You can PM me to find out the lengths I went to protect myself. Long & short, I changed ALL life insurance so I am the account holder. He’s just the insured.

I have my own retirement accounts / I control beneficiaries.

I control all investment accounts.

I have o my two joint bank accounts / rest are mine.

We have no joint credit cards.

refinanced house - only his name is in the mortgage.

Bought my car after dday2 for cash - in my name. Previously all the cars were in his name.

I think you get my drift.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 13067   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8782434
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:36 PM on Thursday, March 16th, 2023

Your words read as pretty contemptuous of your W. I urge you to start resolving your feelings about your W and yourself before deciding between D & R. Why stay with someone you hate, do not respect, do not love, and probably do not like? You deserve to treat yourself better than that.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 28411   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8782478
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 4:44 PM on Thursday, March 16th, 2023

I don’t know if any of this is legal, but if it is, I suggest you stop putting money into your shared account and open one in your name only. That’s where your money goes. Then tell your wife that you will do the grocery shopping so the only thing she will get is may be a couple hundred dollars a month for personal things but otherwise there will be no money coming in for her. You pay all the bills you control the money. Then tell her if she wants to stay married to you, she will get herself a job today. no more living on your money while she’s out having fun with someone else. You need to mean business.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3809   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8782479
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ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 5:12 PM on Thursday, March 16th, 2023

I'll be honest with you.. it didn't take me long after dday to realize that I couldn't stay married to my fWH and also punish him because I would be the one doing the life sentence right along with him. You can't punish one half of a whole. Sure, you're keeping your stuff, but the cost is that being surrounded by your material things will undoubtedly be less satisfying for you.

Right now, it sounds like you're hoping to trick her into some kind of post-nup agreement which will go in your favor. From what I've heard though, post-nups are difficult to enforce unless they're written up with the kind of fairness that would be reflected in normal divorce settlements. Any lawyer worth his salt would challenge a lopsided agreement because they routinely get thrown out.

If your feelings are reflected accurately in your opening post, it sounds like the cheating may have been a dealbreaker. It might save you some time and angst to just move on with your life. It might mean less stuff, but unless you're really down for the work of R, it's probably less aggravation too.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)
Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 8

posts: 6624   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8782485
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 6:29 PM on Thursday, March 16th, 2023

Is there a possibility for you to move to a friendlier divorce state? May be worth the sacrafice to move for a short while and secure the divorce you deserve in a friendly state. Divorce is highly unfair to the faithful spouse. Its a shame b/c we the laws aren't created in a way to protect those that are faithful. If you cheat, you should be on the AP's tab going forward, not the faithful spouses toll forever.

posts: 1399   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8782496
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 Dontgetit4 (original poster new member #83048) posted at 6:47 PM on Thursday, March 16th, 2023

You all give me something to think about. I'm talking to a lawyer right now and he has a plan so I'm just following that and preparing everything

posts: 33   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2023
id 8782501
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 Dontgetit4 (original poster new member #83048) posted at 6:50 PM on Thursday, March 16th, 2023

The reason I'm so concerned about the money is I'm on track to retire in my early 50s but if I was to just file right now I'd probably never be able to retire until I'm at least 70 of course this is partly the fault of boomers ruining the economy but still. Pretty fair huh?

posts: 33   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2023
id 8782503
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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 7:00 PM on Thursday, March 16th, 2023

Is there any way to get her back into working? Would she be willing to get a certification that would fetch her a decent job?

posts: 5181   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8782504
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 7:05 PM on Thursday, March 16th, 2023

Dontgetit- Money is only part of it. Sometimes, its not worth it to stay with a shitty spouse no matter how much money. I feel you, b/c I was the breadwinner in my household. I made 3-4 times what my wife made in any given year, and I had to pay her alimony for a fixed number of years on top of child support. It has pushed back my retirement, certainly blew up my dreams of retiring early, which I was on track to do, vacation homes and growing old together while holding the grand babies.

But something really great came of it that was never in my mind as we moved through divorce. Plus divorce was not my initial first choice, my WW was the one who filed b/c my attorney told me to wait b/c the person who files, is the one who has to go on the stand first, and also be the first to show their cards/finances..... I had to give up half of everything, and basically support 2 households for awhile. While all this does suck, the divorce allowed me to get back into the dating game and I eventually met my new wife. She has a great career and not something that I planned for, but my early retirement is now back in play, except it will be even better. My new spouse out earns me and it just wasn't something I was planning or thinking of, but came out of a shitty situation.

You will make it, you will find a way, just as you have all those years. You cannot unsee what you've seen. It sounds like you've got a good attorney and a plan. I hope you move forward, get rid of that anchor of a wife and find yourself a better life. It really cant be worst than it is now. Even if you had to be single with less money, that's better than having to live a life of betray, grief and always knowing that your WW screwed someone else diminished her value as a wife. YOu were already not attracted to her, but as a good man you stuck around b/c thats what honorable people do, but now, you've been given a get out of jail card. Take it and build a better life for yourself. You deserve it.

posts: 1399   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8782505
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 Dontgetit4 (original poster new member #83048) posted at 11:41 PM on Thursday, March 16th, 2023

Well I was attracted to her until she got fat after getting depressed or some shit after I found out she cheated.

She could get a job but it really wouldn't help. Not a lot of jobs you can live off now like back in the 90s, so I'd be stuck paying for years anyways. She has no skills but I'd imagine taking care of the kids can translate into customer service and such ill have to bring it up

posts: 33   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2023
id 8782536
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 6:36 AM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023

Do yourself a favor and just get divorced. Weight has nothing to do about your morals and values.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1974   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8782851
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 12:21 PM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023

I’m really sorry you’re here and that you’re experiencing this. Infidelity is incredibly painful and world-shattering.

If this thread is an accurate reflection of how you feel about your wife, I can’t see any reason why you should stay with her. The loss of money and early retirement sucks, but not nearly as much as it sucks to live with someone you have no love for and who you resent. Having no desire for either of you to do any kind of counseling feels to me like a big sign that you are emotionally done with the relationship.

In cases like yours I always think of that proverb "Better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a house full of feasting, with strife." it absolutely sucks to lose significant amounts of money and years of retirement because of someone else’s choices, but if you’re only staying for the money, you’re punishing yourself as much as or more than her.

Husband of 20 years had six month affair with co-worker. Found out 7/2020. Two teenaged kids. Reconciling.

posts: 395   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8782858
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 1:44 PM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023

I can almost feel the rage you have. Do not make any life altering decisions until you can calm it down. You want revenge. That is a natural emotion when someone does you harm but you have to accept that she cheated and will still be allowed to get alimony. You HAVE to deal with your reality.
If able now would be the time to get in the best shape ever. Our bodies are meant to move. Go hiking, ride a bike, work out, walk. Eat healthy, drink plenty of water. No alcohol.
If you are having trouble sleeping see a doctor. You need to rest. If you are having anxiety see a doctor. Do not let pride be in the way of getting as healthy as possible.
Lastly, stress can be a killer. Find a friend, or a therapist, to unburden too. You need this to relieve that stress any way you can.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3809   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8782861
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 Dontgetit4 (original poster new member #83048) posted at 7:52 PM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023

Do yourself a favor and just get divorced. Weight has nothing to do about your morals and values.

It does when she try really hard for her boyfriend then let's herself go for her husband

[This message edited by Dontgetit4 at 7:52 PM, Saturday, March 18th]

posts: 33   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2023
id 8782907
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Confused282 ( member #79680) posted at 8:37 PM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023

Talk to your lawyer first before you do anything.

They work for you and are there with you in the real world.

Ask them what all your options are.

Do that before you say anything to her.

If you are done you are done but if you want to try and save your marriage I would tell her honestly.

Don’t say you are fat and ugly.

But if your marriage is going to end anyways might as well be completely honest.

A lot of why you’re mad (besides the cheating of course) is the validation and effort she put in to him.

If she really wanted to save the marriage she needs to put more effort into you.

Might as well be honest with her. Say it kindly but don’t worry about sparring her feelings too much she did not spare yours.

I’m so sorry for what happened to you.

You are completely justified in your feelings.

posts: 125   ·   registered: Dec. 16th, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8782910
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 Dontgetit4 (original poster new member #83048) posted at 11:15 PM on Sunday, March 19th, 2023

She voluntarily moved out so I'm using that for the lawyer I'm talking to to see if that will do anything in my favor. Maybe a little unfair and dishonest but oh well. I've blocked her on everything so her parents started bothering me. Just a pain

[This message edited by Dontgetit4 at 11:16 PM, Sunday, March 19th]

posts: 33   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2023
id 8783078
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