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Newest Member: Lissa

Reconciliation :
It's been nearly three years and I am still struggling.


OnTheOtherSideOfHell ( new member #82983) posted at 10:03 PM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2023

You mentioned that you sometimes think she doesn’t deserve it… I tend to agree, but you deserve it if it’s what you want. And I also agree, that you deserve better, but again, you definitely deserve what you want and to be happy. My advice is to try and worry less about what one deserves (infidelity is never fair) and think about what you need to heal and be happy. We all deserve that.

posts: 19   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2023   ·   location: SW USA
id 8781209

Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 5:45 AM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2023

This is not going the way I had hoped so I am going to step away again.

Thanks for the advice all.

This is a very telling comment... please ask yourself why you are rejecting the aggregate wisdom of this site.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 2022!!!!

posts: 1459   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8781238

BluerThanBlue ( member #74855) posted at 8:58 AM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2023

This is not going the way I had hoped so I am going to step away again.

For what were you hoping?

BW, 40s

Divorced WH in 2015; now happily remarried

I edit my comments a lot for spelling, grammar, typos, etc.

posts: 1294   ·   registered: Jul. 13th, 2020
id 8781243

HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 12:04 PM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2023

You have a WW who is still withholding the truth..this is why you're stuck. You can leave the post,but that will continue to be your reality until you hold her to a higher standard.

posts: 5274   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8781247

Butforthegrace ( member #63264) posted at 3:06 PM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2023

This is not going the way I had hoped so I am going to step away again.

All I can say is "wow". This place is a rich source of crowd-sourced wisdom about infidelity, offered up generously, free of charge, by people who have experienced it first hand.

You're still struggling because you have been complicit to a degree of rug-sweeping by your cheating wife. What did you "hope" to get here, a bunch of attaboys congratulating you for white knuckling it this long? "The more you suffer, the more you show her that you care?"

Around three years is often the point in time that a betrayed spouse steps onto what is often called the "Plain of Lethal Flatness", that dull awareness that this haunting presence of the A and its aftermath will be your lifelong companion as long as you remain married to your betrayer. That this is as good as it's gonna ever get. It is a common node at which a BS decides to divorce. "I gave it the old college try, and I'm figuring out that this is never going to be good enough for me."

"The wicked man flees when no one chases."

posts: 4120   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2018   ·   location: Midwest
id 8781258

Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 5:17 PM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2023

Here we have two BHs whose WWs are the ideal. They are the poster children of WWs.

Yet, both BHs still harbor resentment, doubts, what if’s. They are happy with their new and improved wives but yet are not really happy deep down in R.

Why do I note this? There is another recent thread that talks to this. It’s the "But I thought things were great" issue.

posts: 704   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8781281

emergent8 ( Guide #58189) posted at 6:53 PM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2023

Dude67 - Have you ever heard of the confirmation bias? It is common to see examples of the thing you already believe to be true and ignore the things that are contrary to your pre-existing beliefs. I would also remind you of the guideline against referring to topics outside of their original location.

Finally, if you think that a woman who refused to give OP the name of the AP for more than a month post-D-day, who lied and gaslit for months after that, who has refused to ever provide a timeline to her BS and claims she now cannot remember details, and who is still trickle-truthing 2.5 years post-d-day is an "ideal" WW because she is adept at lovebombing, I don't think you really have a good grasp at what true R is.

Me: BS. Him: WS. Together 16 years.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two kids) into R. Happy.

posts: 1320   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8781292

Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 8:47 PM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2023

That’s not my point and you are responding from an incorrect perspective.

I’m simply taking at face value right now, from these two posts, how these two BHs are describing their WWs and how it relates to how they feel in R. The key words here are that I’m taking what they posted at face value, and how they currently feel now. I’m using their own words.

You, on the other hand, went back and described the prior actions of one of the WWs, from their prior posts, which has no relevance whatsoever to my post.

posts: 704   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8781320

sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 8:54 PM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2023


If your W is the person you want her to be, what do you want to change?

One possibility...

IMO, BSes get immense amount of pain dumped on them, and the BS's healing is a matter of processing the pain. It's not fair, but it's something only can do for yourself. My reco is to feel the pain, and if you can't do that on your own, find a good IC and tell them that you want help processing the pain of being betrayed.

Another possibility

A couple of members have started with a decision to R and then made a decision to D. Your unhappiness now may be a normal part of your path to R, as it was for some responders, but it may be you realizing out you want to D. You are the only one who knows.

I urge you, however, to find out if this is your gut screaming that you're in pain and want help processing or if it's your gut screaming you don't want to be with your W any more. They're 2 different things. (And, of course, it could be something else entirely.)

Sobbing is shame..or manipulative.

It could also be grief or anger ... and some people cry when they're full of joy. There's no general rule, though it very unlikely joy is part of any discussion of infidelity.

It doesn't matter if it's manipulative or not. What matters is not allowing oneself to be manipulated.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 28411   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8781321

emergent8 ( Guide #58189) posted at 9:18 PM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2023

You, on the other hand, went back and described the prior actions of one of the WWs, from their prior posts, which has no relevance whatsoever to my post.

I'm literally describing things that the OP OF THIS THREAD said about his wife. I have no idea who "the other BH" you are describing is.

Me: BS. Him: WS. Together 16 years.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two kids) into R. Happy.

posts: 1320   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8781326

SI Staff ( Moderator #10) posted at 9:24 PM on Wednesday, March 8th, 2023


Please post within guidelines and on topic.

A wonderful place to share your struggles, success stories, and triggers while trying to reconcile. There is to be no name calling in this forum. Venting is to be limited to you and/or your partner. Please post respectfully and constructively keeping in mind the goal for this forum is to reconcile. It's a long road, but you can do it!

Respectful. Constructive. And keeping the goal of this particular form firmly in mind.

posts: 10019   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2002
id 8781328

Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 6:05 PM on Sunday, March 12th, 2023

This BS was clear. He wants to hear from people who have WS who are guilt ridden but still haven’t shared everything. That is not doable. Do you remember things you did 5,8,10 years ago? Except for a tiny number of people there is no one with total recall.

There were people who survived the holocaust and lost all their relatives. They still had to go on even though they never forgot, even for a second. People lose children and have to go on. This is a loss that tore a giant hole in your life. You can repair it but you will always see the patch. That is the joy and the grief of memory.

If you love your wife and want to stay married you are going to have to accept that she hurt you to your core. Why she did it can come under the headings of loneliness, foo, anger etc. but the truth is she did it because she wanted to. That is what you do not want to face but you must.

Every one of us on this thread had someone cheat on us. My husband enjoyed his life on the road. Until he grew up. We have a good life. I hate that he cheated yet until I get on here to try to provide hope I never think about it. Maybe you can get to that place one day. If you can’t then leave. It is your one life. Be aware of that.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3810   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8781842
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