SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

You mentioned that you sometimes think she doesn’t deserve it… I tend to agree, but you deserve it if it’s what you want. And I also agree, that you deserve better, but again, you definitely deserve what you want and to be happy. My advice is to try and worry less about what one deserves (infidelity is never fair) and think about what you need to heal and be happy. We all deserve that.

This is not going the way I had hoped so I am going to step away again.

Thanks for the advice all.

This is a very telling comment... please ask yourself why you are rejecting the aggregate wisdom of this site.

This is not going the way I had hoped so I am going to step away again.

For what were you hoping?

You have a WW who is still withholding the truth..this is why you're stuck. You can leave the post,but that will continue to be your reality until you hold her to a higher standard.

This is not going the way I had hoped so I am going to step away again.

All I can say is "wow". This place is a rich source of crowd-sourced wisdom about infidelity, offered up generously, free of charge, by people who have experienced it first hand.

You're still struggling because you have been complicit to a degree of rug-sweeping by your cheating wife. What did you "hope" to get here, a bunch of attaboys congratulating you for white knuckling it this long? "The more you suffer, the more you show her that you care?"

Around three years is often the point in time that a betrayed spouse steps onto what is often called the "Plain of Lethal Flatness", that dull awareness that this haunting presence of the A and its aftermath will be your lifelong companion as long as you remain married to your betrayer. That this is as good as it's gonna ever get. It is a common node at which a BS decides to divorce. "I gave it the old college try, and I'm figuring out that this is never going to be good enough for me."

Here we have two BHs whose WWs are the ideal. They are the poster children of WWs.

Yet, both BHs still harbor resentment, doubts, what if’s. They are happy with their new and improved wives but yet are not really happy deep down in R.

Why do I note this? There is another recent thread that talks to this. It’s the "But I thought things were great" issue.

Dude67 - Have you ever heard of the confirmation bias? It is common to see examples of the thing you already believe to be true and ignore the things that are contrary to your pre-existing beliefs. I would also remind you of the guideline against referring to topics outside of their original location.

Finally, if you think that a woman who refused to give OP the name of the AP for more than a month post-D-day, who lied and gaslit for months after that, who has refused to ever provide a timeline to her BS and claims she now cannot remember details, and who is still trickle-truthing 2.5 years post-d-day is an "ideal" WW because she is adept at lovebombing, I don't think you really have a good grasp at what true R is.

That’s not my point and you are responding from an incorrect perspective.

I’m simply taking at face value right now, from these two posts, how these two BHs are describing their WWs and how it relates to how they feel in R. The key words here are that I’m taking what they posted at face value, and how they currently feel now. I’m using their own words.

You, on the other hand, went back and described the prior actions of one of the WWs, from their prior posts, which has no relevance whatsoever to my post.

Particle,

If your W is the person you want her to be, what do you want to change?

One possibility...

IMO, BSes get immense amount of pain dumped on them, and the BS's healing is a matter of processing the pain. It's not fair, but it's something only can do for yourself. My reco is to feel the pain, and if you can't do that on your own, find a good IC and tell them that you want help processing the pain of being betrayed.

Another possibility

A couple of members have started with a decision to R and then made a decision to D. Your unhappiness now may be a normal part of your path to R, as it was for some responders, but it may be you realizing out you want to D. You are the only one who knows.

I urge you, however, to find out if this is your gut screaming that you're in pain and want help processing or if it's your gut screaming you don't want to be with your W any more. They're 2 different things. (And, of course, it could be something else entirely.)

Sobbing is shame..or manipulative.

It could also be grief or anger ... and some people cry when they're full of joy. There's no general rule, though it very unlikely joy is part of any discussion of infidelity.

It doesn't matter if it's manipulative or not. What matters is not allowing oneself to be manipulated.

You, on the other hand, went back and described the prior actions of one of the WWs, from their prior posts, which has no relevance whatsoever to my post.

I'm literally describing things that the OP OF THIS THREAD said about his wife. I have no idea who "the other BH" you are describing is.

****Reminder****

Please post within guidelines and on topic.

Reconciliation:
A wonderful place to share your struggles, success stories, and triggers while trying to reconcile. There is to be no name calling in this forum. Venting is to be limited to you and/or your partner. Please post respectfully and constructively keeping in mind the goal for this forum is to reconcile. It's a long road, but you can do it!

Respectful. Constructive. And keeping the goal of this particular form firmly in mind.

This BS was clear. He wants to hear from people who have WS who are guilt ridden but still haven’t shared everything. That is not doable. Do you remember things you did 5,8,10 years ago? Except for a tiny number of people there is no one with total recall.

There were people who survived the holocaust and lost all their relatives. They still had to go on even though they never forgot, even for a second. People lose children and have to go on. This is a loss that tore a giant hole in your life. You can repair it but you will always see the patch. That is the joy and the grief of memory.

If you love your wife and want to stay married you are going to have to accept that she hurt you to your core. Why she did it can come under the headings of loneliness, foo, anger etc. but the truth is she did it because she wanted to. That is what you do not want to face but you must.

Every one of us on this thread had someone cheat on us. My husband enjoyed his life on the road. Until he grew up. We have a good life. I hate that he cheated yet until I get on here to try to provide hope I never think about it. Maybe you can get to that place one day. If you can’t then leave. It is your one life. Be aware of that.