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General :
Daughter a cheater?

Topic is Sleeping.
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 BeeBee64 (original poster member #54718) posted at 5:09 AM on Monday, February 27th, 2023

My adult daughter (mid-30s) who lives on the other side of the country just called and said she and her husband are having problems, are having "honest, difficult conversations" about what they want in life. And one problem - she was having a hard time telling me this - was that she’d "kissed a co-worker." She said she knew that might be hard for me to hear given what happened to me (her mother cheated on me).

I didn’t have a lot of time to talk to her, and, yes it was hard on me to hear this. All I could muster was that I told her they had to be honest with each other.

I don’t know how to handle this. I’m extremely unhappy with her now - just going on the little she told me. I know from this forum and my own experiences that "kissed a co-worker" is a huge red flag.

posts: 248   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2016   ·   location: New England/Washington, DC region / Ukraine
id 8779553
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Dorothy123 ( member #53116) posted at 5:27 AM on Monday, February 27th, 2023

Sorry to hear this BB64.

Sounds like your daughter in the midst of TT (ing) her husband.

Difficult situation.

I no advice to give.

"I’ll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!" Wicked Witch of the West.

posts: 5516   ·   registered: May. 7th, 2016   ·   location: a happy place
id 8779554
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:32 AM on Monday, February 27th, 2023

My son and wife had a Madhatter situation a long time ago. They've reconciled, but that was between them. As a parent, I called my son out on his BS and didn't sugarcoat anything. They're still together. I think my son cheated first.

At the time, I didn't know what to do. I supported my son, but should have supported my DIL a lot more.

Later, my XWH had his A. My son was disgusted that his dad thought the A would be a good father-son bonding moment.

Do what you can to provide your experience to the situation. It's tough.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3482   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8779555
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fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 12:11 PM on Monday, February 27th, 2023

Sorry to hear this. You know the pain your SIL is feeling. I agree with leafields. Be honest and call her out if she tries to justify her actions. IMO that is being a supportive parent.

Slight t/j: good to hear from you and that you are safe. If you are still in the Ukraine take care and best wishes.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3893   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8779561
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 BeeBee64 (original poster member #54718) posted at 12:51 PM on Monday, February 27th, 2023

Thanks, fareast! Hello again, hope you are well! I’m not in Ukraine now, I returned there for 6 weeks in October/November to do some paperwork for my work visa, to see friends, and to deliver a few aid supplies. Now, I’m back in the US, waiting out the war.

posts: 248   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2016   ·   location: New England/Washington, DC region / Ukraine
id 8779564
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asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 1:37 PM on Monday, February 27th, 2023

And one problem - she was having a hard time telling me this - was that she’d "kissed a co-worker."

Has she quit her job yet? I don’t have to tell you if she hasn’t she’s making a choice and it’s not her marriage.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 613   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8779570
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zebra25 ( member #29431) posted at 1:40 PM on Monday, February 27th, 2023

I'm so sorry. I went through this with my DD. It's an awful pain and disappointment made worse having been cheated on.

She wasn't married but engaged and her wedding was just a few months away. I did not have proof but was almost positive. My H and I talked to her fiance, one of the hardest things I've ever done. He who we loved like a family member was very cold to us and told us to mind our our business.

My DD never admitted any thing to us. We offered to postpone or call off the wedding and do anything they needed us to do. They went ahead with the wedding and divorced in less than a year.

We supported her fiance as much as he would let us. We tried to help her but she became distant and turned into somebody we didn't know for almost a year. Many years later she is back to her sweat self and it is all okay.

I would say support them both. Your daughter is always going to be your daughter. It's ok to be upset, angry and disappointed but also be there for her. Of course give your SIL all the support he needs.

It's easy to love our kids when they make us proud but so important they feel loved when they disappoint. I think your daughter was very brave to start an honest conversation with you about what happened knowing that it was going to hurt you.

Good luck.

"Don't let anyone who hasn't been in your shoes tell you how to tie your laces."

D-day April 2010

posts: 3595   ·   registered: Aug. 25th, 2010
id 8779571
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fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 2:13 PM on Monday, February 27th, 2023

T/J. Hi again! Great to hear you are safe and out of harms way. For those of us who knew that you were in Ukraine, you were in our thoughts and prayers.

Your dd needs to be honest with her BH. And figure out how she became someone capable of kissing a coworker. But she has to want to do this on her own. You can advise but she has to do the self examination all on her own.. Wishing you good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3893   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8779577
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 BeeBee64 (original poster member #54718) posted at 4:47 AM on Tuesday, February 28th, 2023

Thanks all, I’m waiting to hear from her again so I can say some carefully-thought-out things based on your feedback. Unfortunately, she hasn’t responded to my text. Very likely she thinks it will be another hard conversation. Likely it will be but I don’t want to make it so hard she cuts me off.

posts: 248   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2016   ·   location: New England/Washington, DC region / Ukraine
id 8779730
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:41 AM on Tuesday, February 28th, 2023

It's a tough spot to be in. Good luck!

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3482   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8779734
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 BeeBee64 (original poster member #54718) posted at 5:58 AM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2023

Following up - daughter has moved to an airbnb for a week. She communicated by text. Trying to figure out if she wants to stay married, she says. Says she’s not in love with her husband any more and doesn’t want to live her life that way. She says she "feels like shit" about it, that it blindsided the husband. I did not bring up the earlier news that she had "kissed a co-worker." I offered to talk on the phone, but she was going out, and didn’t think she’d have time at a mutually convenient time to do so the rest of the week. (Different time zones complicate the matter, best time for her to chat is too late in the evening for me). I’m trying not to pounce on the implied affair aspect.

posts: 248   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2016   ·   location: New England/Washington, DC region / Ukraine
id 8781101
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 9:19 AM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2023

Do you like your son-in-law?
Is he a decent man and think he can make your daughter happy?


If you have the resources then maybe offer to pay for some MC for them.
If resources are tight then maybe point them towards MC:
>Ask both him and her if their insurance would cover MC.
>Check the websites of local churches if free MC is offered.
>Check other resources for free MC.

Some marriages simply aren’t meant to be.
All marriages have rough spots.

Be direct to your daughter on one issue: Let her know that ending a marriage is OK. Shit happens. But that for HER sake, for her husbands sake and for everyone involved that its better to end this marriage before initiating another relationship.
That kiss with the coworker… could be "nothing" per se. Could be a drunken spur-of-the-moment and neither has plans to take it further. Could be "just" a kiss. [nothing and just used with the full knowledge and understanding that its still serious stuff]. Or it could be minimizing of a full-blown emotional and even physical affair. She might be leaving the marriage to be with Mr Wonderful Coworker.
The key issue for me would be that if the marriage is over, she at least show herself, her husband and even the "new" relationship the respect to finish the marriage before moving on. The "new" relationship will wait, if it’s all it’s geared up to be.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 12460   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8781104
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 1:05 PM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2023

One of the things I found out once I hit my mid 30s is that often times people are subtly pressured to get married. They have dated a long time. Their friends push. Their parents push it because they are good friends/he or she has money and status/one is so in love with the other. Whatever got them married was not strong enough to sustain it. Every woman I know who left for another man said they knew on their wedding day they did not love their husband enough but felt caught. I have no idea if this is the case with your daughter but maybe you should ask. And the sad thing is that the husbands of these women were really nice, kind men, and the women admitted it and felt very guilty about hurting good people. The husbands went on to marry again and appeared happy.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 4258   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8781116
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asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 2:24 PM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2023

So she probably has not cut contact with the coworker and is separating for a week to "figure things out". That doesn’t bode well for the marriage.

If you have an opportunity to counsel your son in law please tell him not to bother with the pick me dance. No matter what your daughter chooses that will only lead to further damage for both of them. Also direct him here.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 613   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8781127
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Dorothy123 ( member #53116) posted at 2:45 PM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2023

BeeBee64 , I'm so sorry to hear the latest developement with your daughter.

Please try your best to support her despite your dissapointment.

Also, please try to be there for your son in law.

"I’ll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!" Wicked Witch of the West.

posts: 5516   ·   registered: May. 7th, 2016   ·   location: a happy place
id 8781132
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 3:47 PM on Tuesday, March 7th, 2023

I am sad to have to say this but this does not look good. Both from what your daughter told you, and her not finding time to talk to you. Going out either means her meeting with probable AP at the very least, enjoying being single. Maybe both. In addition, going by the facts here, it is quite likely there is a lot more than a one-time kiss, and so she knows that any conversation with you is going to be quite a rough one.

A more general comment: We live in a world today where both people are still feeling pressure to get married and yet, where 'honouring feelings' are glorified over honouring commitment. Women leaving their husbands for their AP because 'the feels' are being celebrated for being true to themselves in too many places it seems, and 'I don't want to live my life this way' (what your daughter told you in regards to her decision-making) is a sort of anthem.

Both your daughter and your SIL will need your support....

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 9:28 PM, Thursday, March 9th]

posts: 905   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8781139
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 BeeBee64 (original poster member #54718) posted at 6:49 PM on Saturday, March 11th, 2023

Update: I talked to my daughter on the phone about the marriage breakup. Long conversation. I held off of talking a bout the "I kissed my coworker." I didn’t want to pile it on or drive her away. She’s in counseling, the couple is seeing a marriage counselor soon. They’ve worked out a short term system of each taking a turn living at their home (they own).

She did not reference the coworker, listed other reasons for not wanting to stay married. Says she does not love him any more, but doesn’t dislike him. It’s not the person she wants to spend the rest of her life with. She sees the alternative as living alone (not with the coworker) the prospect of which is unpleasant to her.

I did bring up the coworker-kissing, I didn’t ask questions, just made a short statement to the effect that an affair is a kind of addiction and has to be treated as such, and that one of them should leave their place of employment because it’s going to be a source of temptation for her and a source of distrust for her husband (if they stay together). She discounted the coworker and said she will not leave the job, she’s too invested in the program (it’s a social service agency). She said the coworker is married and has kids and it is not in her mind to leave her leaving her husband for the coworker. Says it is not an addiction-level thing.

posts: 248   ·   registered: Aug. 19th, 2016   ·   location: New England/Washington, DC region / Ukraine
id 8781736
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Dorothy123 ( member #53116) posted at 7:18 PM on Saturday, March 11th, 2023

Thanks for the update BB.

You did the right thing by being there for you daughter

"I’ll get you my pretty, and your little dog too!" Wicked Witch of the West.

posts: 5516   ·   registered: May. 7th, 2016   ·   location: a happy place
id 8781738
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emergent8 ( Guide #58189) posted at 9:19 AM on Sunday, September 24th, 2023

Bumped.

Me: BS. Him: WS.
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Happily reconciled.

posts: 2134   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8809157
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Justsomeguy ( member #65583) posted at 7:40 PM on Sunday, September 24th, 2023

This is a tough situation. Maybe it would be helpful to step back and try to look at her words and actions objectively. From my perspective, much of what she has done and said are directly lifted from the cheater's handbook: ILYBINILWY, minimizing, not sure what I want, possible rewriting history and blameshifting, need time apart to figure things out...If she is willing to betray her H, then lying to you is not off the table as well. She may be taking time off to test-drive the AP. Saying her AP is M does not make him safe. Didn't stop them from kissing. Again, tough situation being a parent and a BS. You may need some IC to navigate this as well. I could not imagine how difficult this would be.

Does your SIL have supports? Why MC instead of IC? Would he benefit from this community?

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1825   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8809210
Topic is Sleeping.
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