SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She said the coworker is married and has kids and it is not in her mind to leave her leaving her husband for the coworker.

Errmmm, look at this objectively, how many times have we 'heard' this before in other cases, and the WP heads off to the AP to continue on...?

Thanks to the administrators who allowed me to reopen this thread.

Quick summary: my daughter, who lives on the other side of the country, left her husband of 3 years (no children). She'd gotten involved with a co-worker. The co-worker, married with two toddlers, left his spouse as well. They've both moved out of the marriage homes, but are not cohabiting. The co-workers spouse is being "great" (their word) about it, even attending the same social events with them, driving them to the airport, and cooperating with child-duties.

Daughter and co-worker are still working together. They recently disclosed their relationship to their agency (non-profit, social-services), and so far no negative consequences. The two of them came to the east to attend a wedding (his friend) and to spend a week with family (my family-cousins and aunt and uncle).

When she told me of this plan, I told her it made me uncomfortable. First of all, this triggers my old infidelity traumas. Neither of them are officially divorced. Going on a cross-country trip to attend a wedding and introduce your bf to your family is the sort of thing you do when you have found Mr. Right. This seems too soon, I told her. She demurred, saying it wasn't like that between them, it was just convenient to travel together. No worries, dad!

But, when she got here, she kept asking me what I thought of him - and I kept giving polite, vague answers. I felt bad for the guy actually, being thrust into a family gathering with it's own dramas and "interesting personalities." The vibe she was giving out was - that this person is a significant boyfriend. The younger cousins all seemed to rally around the new bf. He's trans and many of my younger family members are LGTBQ, or strongly allied.

His life is a mess, right now. He's the main care-giver for the kids, and his ex is moving a couple of hours away for work soon. He doesn't have a stable living situation yet. He got a "tiny-house" but has no place to put it, yet. He may move it to a farm, but will have to set up plumbing, power, etc for it.

My strongest objection to his is that he's a cheater. And we all know cheaters will cheat again. She can't trust him, and he can't trust her. I've lost trust in her as well.

I got more of my daughter's back-story. She'd been trying with the ex to have a baby for over a year, with no success, and was growing increasingly upset with his avoidance. She'd seen a doctor about it who told her the place to start was with tests for her husband. The ex avoided going in for tests. She was upset with his lack of emotional engagement with her on the issue. When he finally got the tests, it turned out he had a low sperm count, for which there are corrective measures - which again he put off, she said.

This is not an excuse for having an affair. But, it explains that a rift between her and her husband came first. Especially painful for me because I'd been hoping for a grandchild, but since non had been forthcoming I assumed it was their choice and tried to reconcile with that - without mentioning it to them. but, now it seems my daughter very much wanted a child and now can't have one. It's too late, she feels. She's 36 and not likely to find husband/father material in the very near future.

If she stays with this bf, she'll be back in a situation she disliked and walked away from before she was married - tied to a town/region because her significant other had small children.

As for me, my plans are out the window. I was going to buy a house near her and settle down there. Now, her future is too unpredictable for me to do that, I feel.

Sorry your daughter is a cheater too. Equally guilty. justifications of her husband not doing enough to have kids, her AP’s wife being ok with the affair, are all honestly her attempts of feeling good about what she has done. Essentially taken a parent away from two precious babies, supposedly because she was unhappy she couldn’t have her own babies. Does that even make sense? Not to me.

My strongest objection to his is that he's a cheater. And we all know cheaters will cheat again.

Although I don’t think we need to harp on this then it’s glaringly clear that she too is a cheater.

I have mixed feelings about this as to how things might, could or should go…
One of our better friends are a couple that started in infidelity. Both married young, both in a marriage when they met, both had affairs, both left their then-spouses and have been married now for about 30 years.
So yes – relationships that start this way can thrive.

But there is no denying the way the relationship started is wrong. I don’t have any ambiguous feelings about that statement.

Look – the reasons your daughter gave for the collapse of the marriage are fine enough… They do however create some issues that you might want to address with your daughter:

She wanted kids, but his actions indicate he wasn’t as excited about it… This is a major issue and a major decision in a marriage. Something that should have been discussed. It’s a bit late once the ring has been placed and the cake eaten to decide major issues like kids or not, mortgage or not, live in Texas or New Jersey, be Jewish or Catholic, Vegan or sane (hehe), you work and I stay at home and all that… Of course a young couple cant lay out plans for everything – life happens and all that – but they should have a good way of communicating their needs and requirements. Looks like she didn’t have that in her "old" marriage. That could be on her – that could be on him. Chances it’s a mix of the two.
I would point this out to her and point out that if she and her new beau can’t communicate and decide on tough issues then this relationship is as doomed as the last one.
Within a couple of years she will be dealing with being a surrogate mom to two other kids while trying to have her own, wondering why a third of his pay goes to support while their kid needs braces and all that. Tough issues that a couple need to be in line to deal with.

Then there is the fact that both have now established a history of seeking solace for their issues outside the marriage and an inability to deal "correctly" with issues. It’s like if she was broke it wouldn’t be fine to steal from the till, justifying that she needed cash for food and had all intentions of paying it back next week. They BOTH need to realize that THIS – how they got together – IS NOT RIGHT.

Doesn’t make their relationship eternally wrong – but it definitely didn’t start right and as a parent maybe you should make her realize and acknowledge this. Not for moral reasons, but as a trap to avoid in the future.

My suggestion?
I’m all for being open and frank.
I think it’s fine for you to let both of them know that due to your experience and how their relationship started it bothers you. But that you wish them both happiness, and that if this is what they want then they should go for it.
Only they should be aware that the basis they are building on is weak, and that they should take great care to work on their relationship and some basic factors like communications, goals, finances etc.

Thanks, Bigger, you make some good points.

Well BeeBee, we all know that cheaters lie, and it is especially hard to hear about it when it is your daughter. But I do question whether your daughter's narrative about her husband dragging his feet on having a child, is infact true.

I mean, the evidence is already saying that she is not being forthcoming to you about how serious her relationship is with her MM, for one thing. It also strains all credulity that a woman with small kids (MM's W) would be that happy about her husband leaving her for another woman (even if he is the main caregiver--won't she miss the kids for one thing). So then, why would she (your daughter that is) be forthcoming about her rifts with her BH. It's not adding up.

It seems to me like your daughter came up with the 'I want kids but my husband he doesn't really' story as a way to rationalize her actions of leaving him--especially since she is telling you this now (she had time to come up with a story). If having a baby is that important to her though, then why would she be getting involved with someone who is trans and who is not in any position to be supporting someone else anyway. It is not "too late" for her to find someone to have a family with, there are a lot of women in their 40s these days who have given birth.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 8:11 PM, Tuesday, September 26th]

It seems to me like your daughter came up with the 'I want kids but my husband he doesn't really' story as a way to rationalize her actions of leaving him--especially since she is telling you this now (she had time to come up with a story). If having a baby is that important to her though, then why would she be getting involved with someone who is trans and who is not in any position to be supporting someone else anyway.

It’s not a made up story, I’m certain of that. Based on what I know about her and her ex-husband, it rings true. Both my daughter and I would consider it inappropriate for her to disclose to me private information between her and her husband about trying to conceive a child. I do know that they were discussing having children earlier in the marriage. But I never brought it up again because I didn’t want to be a pushy parent.

Her ex is exactly the type of person who would shrug off emotionally-laden issues.

She says the feature that attracted her to the trans person was that he was open to emotionally-laden issues in a way cis men are not, and she’s fed up with emotionally inaccessible men.

"

It also strains all credulity that a woman with small kids (MM's W) would be that happy about her husband leaving her for another woman.

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I didn’t mean to imply that the MM’s spouse is happy with the situation. And I didn’t say the spouse is a woman They said he’s accepting the situation, but not without rancor. And he is not the main child-care provider, the MM is.

Fair enough. It had never occurred to me that OM's previous partner was also male.