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If you knew your WS had engaged in sexual activities that weren't part of your relations would you expect them to do so with you as a condition of reconciliation?

If you knew your WS had engaged in sexual activities that weren't part of your relations would you expect them to do so with you as a condition of reconciliation?

I dont understand what you are saying.

Are you saying "since your WS cheated on you before the reconciliation, wouldn't you expect your WS to cheat during the reconciliation too ?"

Or, are you saying that

'If the WS did x, y and z sexually with the AP, you (BS) are expecting the WS to do the same x , y and z sexually with you (BS) as a condition for reconciliation"

[This message edited by Dorothy123 at 2:14 PM, Sunday, February 26th]

Dorothy123

"I dont understand what you are saying.

Are you saying "since your WS cheated on you before the reconciliation, wouldn't you expect your WS to cheat during the reconciliation too ?"

Or, are you saying that

'If the WS did x, y and z sexually with the AP, you (BS) are expecting the WS to do the same x , y and z sexually with you (BS) as a condition for reconciliation"

The latter. Would it bother you if your WS engaged in sex acts with AP they aren't interested in doing with you? Wouldn't that be a red flag? And would that influence your decision on whether or not to reconcile?

Thank you Flang, I wasn't sure what you said previously and I had to make sure.

No, I don’t want to bring anything from her A into my bed. We have been together 33 years so I’m sure they didn’t discover anything new.

Somethings I cannot replicate with her are ED, out of shape and overweight, she can keep those memories 😀

To the extent they are things you desired but were denied I could completely understand (just speaking as a man) that this would be a big issue for me.

But you can't win here. If she does these things now you will always think she will be doing so for the wrong reasons...and rightfully so. If she doesn't then you will think it is because she was hotter and more desirous of her AP than you...and rightfully so.

IMO, infideity and betrayal have degrees and levels to it. This situation is deeper. I don't see a happy resolution here (for ME personally). Better to cut my losses. But someone will surely find a "reframing" for this....good luck to ya.

Never2late

Well put, my sentiments exactly.

I wasn't personally faced with that decision, so my response is hypothetical.

If there were sex acts I had desired before the A, and my WW denied those acts to me, and then I learned that she had engaged in those acts with the AP, I do not believe I could (or would want to) reconcile under that set of facts. It would be a lose/lose scenario. If she continued to refuse the acts, I would be consumed with resentment. If she offered to do those acts with me after Dday, I would feel the offer was ersatz, insincere. After all, she had denied me prior to Dday, and nothing changed in either of us except Dday. I would still be consumed with resentment. I can't see any path for me, personally, to get past that specific scenario.

This sense isn't even specific to acts. In general, if I had desired more sexual brio from her prior to Dday (brio including acts, frequency, enthusiasm, initiating, etc.), and she tried to inject more sexual brio into our sex after Dday, I'd be consumed with resentment.

BFTG, exactly.

Unfortunately, this happens a lot. Many times it is these sorts of details (virtually unprovable) that are omitted to varying degrees during disclosure. Precisely because the WS completely understands that this could be the death nail for a possible reconciliation and they selfishly prioritize their desired outcome over truth, transparency and the BSs agency.

No, I wouldn’t want my WS doing anything for me, to me that they wouldn’t naturally, spontaneously, genuinely, desire to do for me.

I would never ask, and I-especially, wouldn’t demand.

It is disturbing that WS’s do things, uncharacteristic things, while caught up in their surrealistic affair world, a world where they get to break out of mostly self imposed molds and live a high risk, high octane fantasy.

Flang, you seem really caught up the sexual components of the affair, and we TOTALLY get it. Been exactly there. I’m at work right now and pressed for time, but I’d like to share with you my thoughts on this topic in better detail later.

Hang in there brother

In my experience, when you have psychological hang ups that weigh on you and haunt you, you have only two choices to end the pain:

A. Behave differently in the physical world

B. Rewrite the script in your psychological world

If you want to divorce her, ok. That is an option. But it does not seem you want to do that. So are you working on B? Are you working in IC or reading books, journaling, using cognitive behavioral changes to flip the script that keeps repeating in your head? You can't change the part of the script where it happened, but you can change the script that tells you that this defines you, that it matters to you, that it says something about you. And don't say I'm wrong about countering these thoughts because this is exactly how people counter all trauma--abuse, violence, war, rape, molestation, accidents, injuries, disasters. Everyone who wants to find peace and comfort in this lifetime has to figure out how to change the ugly messages that play in our heads when we are traumatized--that we caused it, that we're stupid, worthless, at fault. That we've let people down or don't deserve anything good. These horrible messages can be overcome because they are NOT FACT. They are toxic perceptions that must be countered with our rational, self-loving, hopeful, logical side...until they STFU in our heads forever.

Are you working on this?

What she did with whomever and whenever only matters if you decide it matters. I say it doesn't. Ignore it. Create the M you want and disregard the AP. He doesn't matter. He was merely a mirror to see her own awesomeness.

Be present. Create a new M and work to shut the unhelpful thoughts out. If she is not onboard with creating a new M, then that is a different issue. You cannot reconcile with an unremorseful wayward.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 9:39 PM, Sunday, February 26th]

Flang,

I would want her to at least offer it even if I turn it down.

It's too much like she is keeping a private intimacy with OM and saving what is special between them as a cherished memory.

That the OM got the full menu without paying is too much for many to bear.

While you might recover in the sense of staying together for reasons other than sex there will always be something lacking.

I think my W lost her anal virginity to OM1 and it will haunt me forever.

"No, I wouldn’t want my WS doing anything for me, to me that they wouldn’t naturally, spontaneously, genuinely, desire to do for me.

I would never ask, and I-especially, wouldn’t demand."

This is completely understandable.

"It is disturbing that WS’s do things, uncharacteristic things, while caught up in their surrealistic affair world, a world where they get to break out of mostly self imposed molds and live a high risk, high octane fantasy."

Uncharacteristic perhaps for her BS but not for AP. This is clearly a part of her and it doesn't sound like she was forced. She most likely loved this experience...but again reserves these goodies for others. I'm sorry but any man would be resentful if they wanted to do things with their wife which she refused him (perfectly fine you adapt) but loved doing with AP and now says...but still no to you.

Yeah, I wouldn't want anything forced but I'm not staying under these circumstances. Sorry, and pretty sure I'm not the only man who would feel this way or very strongly about it.

If this were something I had previously asked for,and he refused,for whatever reason...yet freely,and enthusiastically did this particular thing with the OW?

No. I wouldn't make it a requirement. However, that he would do it with her,and not with me,would speak volumes. And,honestly, it would probably cause me to not want to attempt reconciliation.

[This message edited by HellFire at 11:39 PM, Sunday, February 26th]