You may have hit the nail on the head, Rambler.
But, if I'm being brutally honest, a lot of the things that I see used as reframing (i.e. - infidelity is not about the BS in any way..and if ego can be set aside then that makes healing possible etc.) at the very least SEEM like at very least a DEGREE of self delusion.
Yes, that's a real possibility.
I tend to stay away from absolutes, but I've written 'infidelity is not about the BS in any way.' I've done so because it helps countermand the 'I'm responsible for my WS's A' thinking that so many BSes start with.
But it's also the truth, in at least one very important way. I found out in our MC sessions that my W was not dealing with me. She was, in fact, dealing with her image of me. She held onto some very wrong ideas about what I thought for a long time, even after being confronted in MC, and even though she had mounds of evidence that I was not the way she pictured me.
So , to the extent 'I' was part of her decision to carry on her A, it wasn't 'me' - it was the 'me' she constructed out of her false assumptions and lies she told herself about what I thought, felt, and did.
IOW, in a very real sense, her A wasn't about me at all.
When I write about myself, I usually hope readers consider if what I've written applies to them and/or their sitch. When I write about how I've healed, for example, I hope and assume people will ask themselves if the approach I took will work for them. I don;t know if the approach I took will work for someone, but it's possible.
In this case, I hope readers will agree with me when I write: a lot of WSes use their false images of their BSes as enablers for their As.
False images - IMO, that in itself makes the A all about the WS and not at all about the BS - 100% WS, 0% BS.
OTOH, I think you've misread the principle if you think ego has to be set aside to heal.
I think it's essential that ego must be satisfied for healing to occur.
The primary reason I consider myself healed is that I'm comfortable with virtually all of what I've thought, felt, and done WRT healing from being betrayed ('virtually all' because I'm a perfectionist in some ways, so I carry a lot of self-doubt, although that doesn't always show up in my posts).
IMO, if you're uncomfortable, do what you need to do to get comfortable - and I mean the opposite of 'suck it up'. If you're uncomfortable, figure out what you need and do your best to get it.
I have no doubt that the reframing gets us to a more accurate view of the world. The problems that I see come from applying the general rules to specific sitches.
That is, I believe my W came clean, and I built my part of R and my healing based on that belief. I have lots of evidence that she did come clean. But I don't know with total certainty that she did.
I believe she loves me. I even believe she changed in part because she loves me. But I don't know with total certainty that she does.
If I'm wrong, maybe I'll find out, and maybe I won't.
I doubt my reading of the real world, but I don't doubt certain principles.
[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:25 PM, Monday, January 9th]