Acceptance took time.
But what I had the most difficulty with was allowing myself to be vulnerable to the same person who used our marriage troubles to solicit pity and sex from his AP. Who offered up quotes from our correspondence to court OW.
I can only say that you will never know what you don’t know. From stark facts to nuances in tone, interpretation and physical acts. I clung to the belief that if I could know everything, I could move forward in safety. Save yourself from that stupid rabbit hole.
The intention and meaning of her words at the time could have been a twisted manipulation to secure her safety net.
They could also represent what she thought. Or what she thought AP required to hear to move forward in the manner she desired. And so on, and so on.
In order to give herself permission to say what she said and do what she did… she basically said F@%k it, I deserve the outcome & I’m going for it. The cost in pain and consequences of the actions and words were either not considered, or considered and ignored. That’s the crux. What if that part of her nature comes around again?
The way you reconcile the person you see the best in and what she did is to accept she has the capacity to have integrity and to shed it.
Her explanation seems pretty surface to me. How much work has she done on herself?
We were on the slow boat too. You aren’t alone.
For me, I stood on the cliff for a long time watching, verifying, calculating the odds and marinating in his words to her and use of me (and our kids) to woo a bottom feeder.
In the end I had to choose based on the information I had. The work he did, I did and we did. In or out?
So I jumped. All in. And it wasn’t a beautiful swan dive into a a calm ocean of perfected future. It was clumsy, fumbling, scary and sometimes disappointing. But I believe it’s authentic. Each and every day. It’s good. There is something to be said for empty nester peaceful love. I like it.
I’m not afraid of him doing it again. Because if he ever gives himself permission to do it again, I know I will be okay. I’m myself and enough. It only to me 40 plus years to figure it out. His actions and words are a comment on him, not me.
I hope you get to that. It’s freeing