SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ok, here is my messed up confusing life. I was a young dad with two DS at DD in early 1999. Went to see good therapist at the time. I was so immature at the time, I was pissed over the sex and missed some of the big picture. I was a workaholic and my wife was at home with a five year old a a three year old and lonely. I confused our sex with intimacy(we did not really have that much intimacy at the time). She found someone (OM-the bastard) to be intimate with and had sex with him. His wife discovered them, and my wife found out she felt more for him than he felt for her. (Ouch, that probably left a mark).

I (we) came to a compromise-not exactly reconciliation. I forgave her to the point I could, but not entirely. She would be faithful, not spend too much money, and concentrate on being a good mom. I decided it was better to stick it out for my kids, and I would leave when they did. I know I made mistakes as a husband, but I am a damn good dad-my boys mean the world to me. I looked at it as a 15 year prison sentence, and was depressed for years. My consolation was everyday I woke up, my boys were under the same roof. My hope is they saw enough of a normal marriage on the outside they are not damaged.

My time should have been up in June 2013, but I did not leave.
Now it is almost 2023-why am I still here? I have the financial resources to leave(not as great as if I stay, but still…) Kids are out of the house.

I am here because I still love the girl I married. She is the love of my life, and I will never have another like her. However, the post DD wife is not her most of the time. She is not hateful, or cruel to me, but it is not the 1989 version I fell for. For 8 years I knew a woman every way a man can know a woman, emotionally, intellectually, sexually-I had it all. I feel like DD destroyed the woman I loved, and left someone else behind.
At times, I still see her, and I hold on to her for as long as it lasts. The loss of my pre DD wife is what I am unable to forgive.

For the past couple of years, we have been basically sexless. After DD day, sex was up and down but my sex drive was always way higher than hers and I did a lot of begging. Eventually got tired of begging and just gave up, taking care of my own needs in that department by myself. I think I am a good lover (not that I have a universe to ask) so I think she just did not feel that sex was important in a relationship. She would be wrong on that one.

Sooo… a couple of days ago, out of the blue, she wakes me up by grabbing my penis and kissing me deeply. I had not showered after the gym the night before, but she still wanted me. WOW and WTF? We made love, and it was awesome. The girl I loved was there with me for a while. It was not a fuck like she was using me (been there , done that), it was really making love, and she enjoyed it ( as did I). She was actually really nice to me all weekend, and it made me so happy.

So guys-what now? I had resigned myself to a sexless marriage with a woman who was not the love of my life-and now this.
I don’t want to let my heart go, just to get crushed again. The first time I found out she did not give a shit about me and OM was everything to her hurt so bad.

I was in a safe place( still am I guess). What if this is just temporary? If I keep my heart safe, I may scare her away, and lose my last chance to be with my wife I love. If I really dive in, I could get crushed all over again-there were false starts and stop back in 1999 and 2000-I just can’t get crushed again.
I am confused and scared as hell!!

Any advice is helpful.

"I am here because I still love the girl I married. She is the love of my life, and I will never have another like her. However, the post DD wife is not her most of the time. She is not hateful, or cruel to me, but it is not the 1989 version I fell for."

GTM

I feel the same way, after my wife admitted to several ONS while we were dating prior to marriage I just look at her differently. Im not cruel or mean and neither is she but the girl I married is lost and every now and then I find her but it comes and goes. She works hard and is nice enough and a great mother but unfortunately the love of my life fairy tale is forever gone.

[This message edited by shouldofleft at 5:00 PM, Tuesday, December 13th]

GTM.

You mentioned you love the girl you married and she is the love of your life but she is not the 1989 version of who you married. My question is, does she behave differently toward you or do you see her as damaged goods and it changed your perception of her and there is nothing she can do about it?

If I really dive in, I could get crushed all over again-there were false starts and stop back in 1999 and 2000-I just can’t get crushed again.

Why not? What are you worried about? Having your heart broken again? You already went through it and survived. Knowing that you will HAVE to leave if it happens again? You have been preparing to leave for the last 15 years. What is your REASON for not taking the chance?

You did your time Dear Sir (((HUGS))). You stayed in a loveless...sexless M for FIFTEEN years. That had to have been horrible. You are FREE to leave now...at anytime...and for any reason. Guess what? SO IS SHE .

Yet here you both are...still together . As a woman who became an empty nester years ago...I can honestly say that the sexual urges and feeling of intimacy for my H GREW as the occupants of the house shrunk .

You will NEVER have the wife that you had in 1989...even if infidelity wasn't involved. But I can also honestly say that you CAN have a better version! YES...you CAN !!

It is YOUR choice. Someone has to make the first move...so why not let it be you? It may be the BEST thing you ever do . It may be the WORST thing you ever do. But that may lead to you doing what will become the BEST thing you ever did . One thing that is CERTAIN...if nothing changes...then nothing changes.

Any advice is helpful.

GO FOR IT !

[This message edited by Want2BHappyAgain at 2:06 PM, Tuesday, December 13th]

You need to risk your M to rebuild it.

You used a strategy that didn't work for you, so change your strategy. My reco is first to figure out what you want from your M, to talk with your W, ask for what you want, and negotiate an M that serves both of you.

That's much easier said than done, but I don't see a way of building a new M without discussion and risking answers that you don't want to hear.

Thank guys for the help and advice.

To answer a couple of questions-she is not damaged goods. Her behavior and lack of remorse really changed how I felt about her and myself. Was I so stupid not to see how cold and heartless she was? Was I a fool? After years, I came to the conclusion I was not a fool, and who I married was sweet and kind, and she really did love me when we started out. She changed over time and lost that sweet disposition and she stopped reflecting my love for her back to me.

However, there were times when she did post A. She would be sweet, loving, funny and build me up. So I knew the woman I wanted was in there somewhere. Then the dark clouds would move in again, and she would become indifferent to me.

She never had another A. She was unhappy with herself, and many things in her life. After the A, she threw herself into being a mom and an executive. I was just there, and, with a few exceptions over the years, she shuffled me to the back of her priorities. She knew I would not leave her and the children, so she put very little effort into me. Yea, I’m a dependable sap.

I want to go for it, I really do. Yes, getting my heart broken one more time could happen, and yet it might not. I’ve lived through hell and came out the other side. I found out I am one of the strongest people I know. And yet, I am so scared I will never have the love I lost again, I am afraid to move. I know making myself vulnerable is the only way in, and I that scares the hell out of me. I’ve been brave by not making myself vulnerable.

My life right now is calm. Not a lot of love, but no war either. We are financially set as a couple, but separately we would have a reduced standard of living. I know about living in the guilted cage, but from the cage, life is pretty damn comfortable. Blowing this up on a chance is very scary.

I am going to see our marriage counselor-he is still in practice and knows the back story.

Also, as an aside, I initiated making love the other morning, and she happily said yes. She was very passionate and was happy to be with me. I asked her if I was safe, and she said yes. (I’m not sure if she understood what I was asking, but I am going to assume she did. ) As much as I enjoyed the sex (OMG), I really wanted, and got a connection to her. I made love to her slow, as I did not want our connection to end, and she did not try to hurry me up or get me to finish. She seemed happy to be with me. Maybe I am reading more into this than is there,
but for now it feels good and right.

I am trying to be careful as the person I love seems to be here. I really want to hold her and make love and fall asleep in her arms with her playing with my hair, rubbing my chest, and her telling me I am her guy, but rushing it could blow up everything, and I might never get it back.

I’ll let you know.

Thank you for that update...it seems like y'all are getting closer...and that is always NICE !

I am trying to be careful as the person I love seems to be here. I really want to hold her and make love and fall asleep in her arms with her playing with my hair, rubbing my chest, and her telling me I am her guy, but rushing it could blow up everything, and I might never get it back.

Have you told her this? I believe THIS would be a GREAT way to start a conversation about things .

I understand that you are scared...and it is valid (((HUGS))). I guess it is because I figured I had nothing left to lose...because my M as I knew it was already gone...so I was going to get a new M...the way I wanted it. IF my H wanted it too...GREAT. If he didn't...I wasn't going to waste my time on something he couldn't give me. We talked about it...and he agreed he wanted what I wanted...a happy and healthy M with a loving and faithful spouse. We went for it...and I have to say...being on the other side of infidelity is pretty danged AWESOME !!!

Being cautious has never been my forte . It has served me well for the most part...but I do understand your hesitancy . When y'all DO get to the other side...it will be when Y'ALL want it to be...and that will be perfect for y'all .

However, there were times when she did post A. She would be sweet, loving, funny and build me up. So I knew the woman I wanted was in there somewhere.

Are you certain it's not the other way around. Are you seeing what you want to see? The reason I say this is because for the vast majority of my 27 year marriage, I thought of my W as a really decent human being with a strong moral compass. After her cheating was exposed, I re-examined our M history and her history. It turns out, I was seeing what I so desperately wanted to be the truth.

My EXWW once shot back at me that she wasn't evil. No, she isn't evil, but neither is she a good person. She just isn't built that way. Neither was her father. It seems to be a family trait on the father's side. And as she gets older, her capacity for self control wanes, making it seem like she is getting worse, when in actuality she is as she always was. It's just her masking behaviour is less. Sadly, the kids, as they get older, recognize who their mother is more clearly as they make the odd comment to me.

Pre-A, BS have an idea of their partner and their M, mostly because they project their feelings and level of commitment onto both. The reality is often much different. In the end, I chose D because even if we R, the very best version of my WW I would get was below the minimum standard of the partner I deserved. Once I truly saw who she actually was, I realized I wouldn't even date her had I met her now.

Advice?

Take that eloquent first post and tell her that. Say how you feel. You stayed 9 years ago for nothing but finances and inertia. Now you have this chance to rekindle the marriage and make your choice all those years ago WORTH IT!

Be vulnerable. Build on this new energy. Life isn't getting any longer brother.

There comes a point at which we need to take complete ownership of our choices. You tried to make some kind of compromise choice where you sentenced your WW AND YOURSELF to fifteen years in limbo. By the time that limbo sentence was up, it had become a lifestyle, and now it's your habit. The fact is though is that YOU decided to stay. Embrace it. It was a free choice. There was no gun to your head, no chains on your feet. You made a choice to stay and you're still making that choice today. There's FREEDOM in acknowledgement of the fact that we ARE where we've decided to stand. You were a victim in 1999, but victimization becomes a state of mind, a prison, one that can be rejected when we FEEL the power of our own agency. You are where you chose to be and you've been where you chose to be all this time.

Yes have that talk with her. I'll admit that is NOT easy. I've been with my wife 26 years ago as of the other day and about a decade ago, she just had that meh attitude towards being intimate. We did find it was part of her post menopausal changes.

I lived with it, but eventually I just felt somewhat alone, I missed the cuddling in bed (due to an injury sleeping on a bed is impossible for me) but I can tolerate being on one just not for hours and all that.

Finally I had the talk with her. It was a difficult one, as emotional discussions often can be. It was, both of us in the end. As she lost some of her libido and I didn't bother to keep trying, we both ended up pretty much thinking the other really didnt want that intimacy anymore.

It was a long talk, and while we both felt a bit distant during that time, we did reconnect, and now we're as randy as we used to be, not as often as we are getting older, but we're more like we were back in the honeymoon phase.

I know your situation is far different, our relationship didnt have infidelity to deal with, but a deeply open and honest discussion couldnt hurt at this point. Dont be afraid to be open to the point it scares you, I was never an openly emotional person but I was that day, to the point that I had tears in my eyes, and it changed everything for the better and a decade later we are both in an extremely happy place still.

You have nothing to lose my friend by putting yourself out there with her. In the end you'll know better where you really stand and see yourself.

[This message edited by LegsWideShut at 8:03 PM, Thursday, December 15th]

Be honest with her about what you want. It sounds like you both want to reconnect. That’s a good thing. It does make you vulnerable, but you are strong, and vulnerability is better than limbo.

I understand and respect the decision to stick it out until kids are grown and then leave; it’s a calculus that honorable people weigh.

But at this point it’s fish or cut bait; shit or get off the pot; whatever analogy you want. It sounds like you both want it. You have a lot invested. Be honest with her, and see what happens. At best you end up with a new, satisfying chapter. At worst you learn she wasn’t worth the Hail Mary, and you get out of limbo hell.

Best wishes. You sound like a good person; if she has sense she’ll go for you.

[This message edited by Grieving at 12:05 AM, Friday, December 16th]

Communication is part of the foundation to a good marriage. I'm sure you already know this. You also know that to be authentic in your relationship, you have to be vulnerable.

It's also ironic how we can often talk out of both sides of our mouth at the same time: we are strong now, and we can walk away from our marriage if need be, but we are scared to paralysis to actually speak honestly with our partner about our real emotions. So much for that super-strength that we have acquired.....

I also agree that at some point, we need to take ownership of OUR choices. You chose to stay. You chose to close yourself off as intimacy dwindled. You chose to allow yourself to be shuffled back on her priority list without speaking up. What I DON'T agree with is that you subjected your WW to limbo--you chose this for yourself, and SHE chose to allow it on her side, hence furthering the divide. The two of you are where you are today(post infidelity) through your own choices.....even if that is not the end goal.

So, if you want a chance at a better marriage, chances have to be taken. Are you up for it?

Update-since I am baring my soul to SI.

First, thank you to everyone who has responded. It has helped me process this, and I appreciate the outside observers perspectives.

Second-yesterday was a really good day with some bumps. I fixed her computer (she said I was a stud for doing that). We went to the gym, and then the grocery store (yes guys, I might lose my man card)

After supper, she told me to shower and take my d*** pill. You guys see where this heading. I promise not to post every time I get laid, but three times in one week is mind blowing after the past few years. The love making was great. She said I had a silly grin on my face (I did not know it was there), and I told her I am so happy. We talked afterwards, and I really opened up on how I was feeling, and what I wanted.

She wants the same thing too!!! She wants to be connected to me. She loves ME!!! She wants us to travel and do fun things TOGETHER!!!

I know my brain is on endorphins overload right now. I have been here before years ago and then found out NC was broken. I keep trying to push this out of my mind. I’ve been over and over in my pep talks to myself, and there is nothing she is after-so I think this is genuine.

Now for the bummer-sex was great until my little buddy decided to check out early, (F*ck, F*ck, F*ck). I could not coax him to come back. I had enough time for the d*** pill to work. This had happened earlier this week but I thought it was a one off-now two times just when thing are going good. FML (fortunately, she was finished, so it was me who was disappointed, not both)

I have a doctors appointment after Christmas and I am talking to the marriage councilor next week. I don’t know if this is mental or physical.

I don’t know how this is going to end, but I am happier than I have been in years. I’m moving out of limbo. If you had told me a week ago today I would have made love 3 times this week and reconnected with my wife-I would have said you were full of shit. No way-and yet in ONE WEEK my life feels like it is moving forward again after so many years.

I know I am not safe anymore-really scary, and I could get burned. But i think the risk is worth it.
I AM WORTH IT!!! I have to be brave again, because the shitty limbo has been awful.

Everyone, thanks for the love and push forward. I really needed that.

Wish me luck

I promise not to post every time I get laid

Don't worry about it...we definitely understand !! I LOVE your update...thanks so much for sharing !!!

I am so happy for you—what a great update. Don’t feel bad about posting about getting laid; sex is an important part of a healthy relationship. Also, none of us are going to have our 25-year-old bodies forever. We’re all going to have physical performance issues at some point. It’s not fun but it doesn’t mean there can’t be great connection and great sex.

In my personal experience is that if I don't feel close to my wife or I feel there was something that was said that is still hanging around and has not been resolved then I notice that I am not "into it," as much as I normally would be. Sometimes it just ain't going to happen despite how many milligrams of "help," I might have taken an hour prior.

The pill removes any physiological issues, but it doesn't work if you are not turned on. I know that everyone likes to joke about the, "little brain," being in change, but the reality is that the big one has the final say.

So I think that you need to work on the big brain. There are things that your W and you need to work through before you can restore true intimacy and companionship. Whatever has not been disclosed, addressed. . .you get the idea.

To quote John Madden, "90 percent of the game is half mental."

Keep talking (and not talking ) with your wife and I think you will get there.

Hey,

Just wanted to give a quick update.

I am doing great and really happy. We have talked, really talked about the future. I feel like I have a happy one now.

Sex is good, and frequent-my problem seems to be resolving itself. She is really enjoying it too.

I get the sweats sometimes. I have really opened my self up to her, and she could really hurt me if she wanted to. I think this is probably some PTSD.

But, I look at it this way-the worst has already happened. And I survived it. I found out I was stronger than I ever knew. In the process, I went from being a spoiled, shallow, self-centered kid to a man with priorities, and someone with compassion. I became someone I really like.

I would not have wished my journey on anyone. I can’t say the A "made my marriage stronger." (My life is not a Hallmark movie).

I am making myself vulnerable to her. I am opening up. I am also getting love back-real love. I still screw up and piss her off, but she is working hard not to yell at me or shut down. She will nicely redirect me. And guess what-I am happy to learn and try to do better next time. I am also more open with her when she makes me mad, but I am nicer about it than I used to be.

I am glad she had the courage to make the first move. I think I must have been waiting for it. I have real hope for my future-something I have not had in a long time.

Great update goingtomakeit.

The grass is always greener where we water it. My husband and I often joke that we get along best when we are having sex regularly. Or are we having sex more regularly BECAUSE we are getting along better? Who can say? I know for me, I am more sexually attracted to him when I'm feeling connected to him but again, I'm not sure which is the chicken and which is the egg. Vulnerability and safety and effort help me feel connected, it's all so intertwined. It makes perfect sense to me how doing even mundane things like going to the gym and grocery store together can lead to sex. By fixing her computer, you made her life easier and better, and it motivated her to want to do something for you.

I'm glad you're feeling ready to open yourself up to her and be vulnerable again. I know firsthand how scary it can be to allow yourself to be vulnerable with someone who hurt you so badly. But when you offer someone vulnerability and they are appreciative and attentive to it, it tends to build trust.

This is just such a nice post. The depth of your fear of trusting was probably pretty emotional for some BSs, at least it was for me. It’s amazing that you kept hope alive for so long despite that fear. She is very lucky to have someone love her so much. I hope she is deserving of your trust- it sounds like it was time to take a chance and find out. I appreciated your honesty about the sex stuff. It is helpful for everyone to hear how other people work through the complexities of sex in a long term relationship. Wish you and your wife the best!