SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Don’t reveal your sources or your information. Document and secure every piece of info you get somewhere where your WS can’t get to it. Stop telling him what you know. He will only ever admit to what he’s caught at. Don’t let him know what he’s been caught at

I understand that now. I acted in the heat of the moment. His actions tonight make it clear to me that he doesn't want to work it out with me. He doesn't think I needed to be outside sneaking around the garage, he says I just want to start trouble. I've asked him to put himself in my shoes, and how he thinks he would act in my shoes. He says he is tired of answering questions and he got mad and left and said he won't be questioned all night or be yelled at.

He’s gone. It is time to say goodbye and get your ducks in a row. Crying over this or begging him is not going to get you anywhere and it’s going to continue to break your heart. He’s told you he cares about that other woman so believe him. I think the hardest thing in the world for the bs to believe is that the person they loved and they still love don’t love them anymore. I don’t know how it happens but evidently it does because this place is filled with broken hearts. You need to take care of your heart by getting out and moving on and turning your back on him. Whatever he’s going to do in his life you don’t need to watch . It just breaks your heart again.

Sending you support. Sorry you are here but you have already received good advice. Most importantly take care of you. Your world has been turned upside down but you will get through this. Eat healthy and exercise. Always value yourself. See an attorney and learn your rights, and if it were me I would file for D. You can stop the process. But taking action will give you the sense of control. Separate bank accounts. Talk with trusted family and friends for support. Do not engage with him. He will just lie and gaslight. Become a gray rock. You know enough to end your M. You do not need more. Be firm and calm. Good luck.

Sending you support. Sorry you are here but you have already received good advice. Most importantly take care of you. Your world has been turned upside down but you will get through this. Eat healthy and exercise. Always value yourself. See an attorney and learn your rights, and if it were me I would file for D. You can stop the process. But taking action will give you the sense of control. Separate bank accounts. Talk with trusted family and friends for support. Do not engage with him. He will just lie and gaslight. Become a gray rock. You know enough to end your M. You do not need more. Be firm and calm. Good luck.

I agree I'm done I don't need any more information, he admitted to the cheating and by his actions tonight he doesn't want to work on repairing the marriage.

He doesn't think I needed to be outside sneaking around the garage, he says I just want to start trouble.

LOL, okay, sure. . .he doesn’t like you "sneaking around" while he is LITERALLY sneaking around talking to his nasty lying cheating AP. Got it.

It is really a pain in the ass when a BS decides not to passively get screwed over by the person who made legal and moral commitments to them, isn’t it?

What an asshat. And I’m guessing that no, he’s not sleeping in his car tonight. . .unless she is literally at home with her actual BS tonight and can’t sneak away herself.

Good for you for taking his ATM card. That’s the kind of action that you need to be taking right now. Take your power back. Shut down his access to marital funds. And make sure that you provide NONE of the services he’s accustomed to receiving as your spouse. No laundry. No cleaning. No cooking for him. Nothing. And absolutely no expressions of care, love or affection. I know that people on here say over and over that you can’t legally lock him out of the house if he’s on the title, but personally, I’d change the locks on the house. I mean, how are you supposed to know things like that—who expects their spouse of decades to suddenly lose his mind.

I’m sorry that it’s come to this, but at least he has shown himself clearly at this point. No, he’s not in love with her. He’s in the stupid state of limerance, charmed by the endorphins, ego kibbles, and riskiness of the secret relationship. At this point, I’d expose to everyone and see how beautiful their love looks when it’s revealed as a cheap work affair between 2 married liars to their families and friends.

You’ve begun to take your control back, lilbritches. Good for you. Full speed ahead. You will feel so much better when you’re not feeling like he’s calling all the shots on your life. He’s done enough of that. He sucks at making good decisions for you.

[This message edited by NowWhat106 at 3:23 AM, Sunday, December 11th]

He says he lied about the phone to spare my feelings because I asked about a phone a few days ago.

This is right out of the "Cheaters Handbook" all of them try to claim they did this to "protect" us. It is completely selfish and total bullshit. He is following the book to a T, this probably isn’t his first A.

I'm sorry. It really sounds like he's still involved with the OW. That kind of recalcitrance suggests that he believes he's got another option. Which also means that he's treating you as such... an "option". But that's not what you are. You're his WIFE of 32 years. He understands fully well that if you had been out fucking strange and claiming to be in love that he'd have some questions and some commentary about that. It sounds like he's playing games with you so that you'll be the one to pull the plug and he can lie about how he tried to work it out.

My advice is to set your boundaries where YOU want them and if he doesn't like it, there are no bars on the windoows or chains on the door. Set the bar low and you'll get the bare minimum if he even bothers that much. Set it high though and he'll have to EARN his way back into your marriage.

Remember that YOU are the prize here. You're the honest broker. YOU were real, and committed, and honest. He's the liar, the cheater, the asshole in this situation and he's lucky you're still even talking to him.

Deep breaths. Remember that either way it goes, you don't need that guy. You ARE enough.

((hugs))

Lilbritches - so sorry. Looks like he just pulled a Cheater's Handbook classic - escalating the argument to manufacture an excuse for storming off - cover for a rendezvous with AP. I was fed the "I slept in my truck" baloney as well. I bet he is not sleeping in his truck.

Yes, he's still involved with OW. What that means or what that looks like is anyone's guess at this point. Here's some theorizing....... Interesting - her husband is supposedly "refusing" to sign the divorce paperwork. Hmmmmm, could your partner's sudden unemployment be influencing OW's availability? Is she the one stalling? Perhaps the bloom is already off the rose? Whatever. Agreed - you know enough to act. He's shown you who he is and what his priorities are - his personal comfort and continued ego stroking from strange. It feels like you are plan B in his thinking, a back up option. Let them have each other. You are not plan B! You're his wife of 32 years for heaven's sake!

Stay strong and make YOU the priority here. Take care of yourself. Do everything you can to protect yourself. Put boundaries in place around his access to marital funds. He's unemployed so wouldn't be surprised if $$$ is already part of the betrayal, or becomes an issue if his funds are tight. I'd put a credit freeze on my information, and any joint information - today.

Keep posting LB. We're here for you. Hugs.

[This message edited by BoundaryBuilder at 7:19 PM, Sunday, December 11th]

Based in a previous comment that the cheater is not willing to stay and be yelled at or answer questions about the affair.

Correction: He’s not staying and choosing to work on himself. His issues. His choices. His disrespect. He’s choosing to run away.

There is nothing wrong with your marriage except 1/2 of the partnership is cheating.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 10:28 PM, Monday, December 12th]

he won't be questioned all night or be yelled at

Oh, OK, but he WILL be unemployed, unwanted by you (definitely) AND the AP (probably - unemployed adult men are in such high demand right now <--NOT), and homeless. I hope he has a really nice truck!

Never forget that his current situation is 1000% HIS OWN FAULT. Don't accept any ownership of it.

Whenever he attempts to justify the affair or blame you for his base behavior, ask him how that's working out for him.

Keep true to your course and untangle yourself from his asshattery as wisely and efficiently as possible.

He's clearly making the worst decisions possible right now. If you're able to act swiftly enough, you can use the fact that he has clearly lost his mind to make the divorce settlement come out in your favor.

The nicest thing/gift you can give yourself right now is to take a personal day, go see three lawyers, and pay a retainer to the one you think will best represent you in the divorce. Take yourself out to a nice lunch while you're at it. Then get moving on that D!

You clearly out-class and out-smart that man. He needs to be extricated from your life and freed to go on to a great career of being a chef of shit sandwiches.

"Don't go away angry; just go away."

Hi lilbritches, so sorry you've found yourself in this situation. Not only does it really suck but it really hurts and it's an insane rollercoaster of emotions. I'm 8 months out from D day myself and I have no idea where that time has gone, it's all a blur.

My advice - create a fake Facebook account, a male. Use it to see if you can see her profile and track him down. Same on other social media platforms. Be careful on LinkedIn because that does tell you who's looked at you.

Is it his truck? If it's in your name you could report it stolen. Freeze any joint accounts so he can't empty them or set them so that any changes or withdrawals need permission from both of you (if you can do that where you live). Make sure you have enough money to get by in an account of your own. Is your mobile phone an account that only you can access? If not get that sorted too - you don't want him seeing who you're calling.

Also, I think you said he was a bit of a technophobe? Well don't assume he's not learning how to do stuff from her. Make sure if you use a shared device to access this site or other sensitive resources that you're using incognito windows and delete your browsing history. Make sure location tracking is turned off too so he can't check where you are or where you've been. No reason you can't switch that on for his account though if his burner phone is a smart phone

You definitely need to find the AP's BS. Even if he has moved out already doesn't mean he wouldn't benefit from knowing what his WW has been up to in his own divorce proceedings.

Good luck, and keep checking in here. While I haven't posted much this site has actually kept me sane these past 8 months.

Is it his truck? If it's in your name you could report it stolen.

I am all in favor of protecting yourself at all times. What I cannot fathom is how some people think it is perfectly acceptable to falsely accuse a man of committing a crime. If this is what passes for advice, why not just recommend that BWs file false DV charges or false threats against minor children? You could actually get him locked up for that last one. Unflippingbelievable. This is shameful.

Wow guys thanks for all the messages of support. I took a little break from this forum because I was feeling overwhelmed and thought I had took control back of my emotions but I lost that control early this morning when I burst into tears and woke up the whole house. First to answer some questions and a brief update. Yes I know he is still involved with the OW at least being in contact with her via phone. I have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow. YAY!!!! But WH says if I go to this appointment tomorrow that is just pushing him towards leaving. He told me that this morning because you know I had a weak moment this morning and cried and said my whole world is crumbling. So I guess he thinks the ball is in his court because of one weak moment early this morning where I felt ugly, fat, not good enough etc etc because my husband won't talk to me and I'm twisting in the wind making up scenarios in my head about what might happen. He says if I was to forgive him and he broke it off with her he wouldn't be able to live with me always questioning him and accusing him of cheating and not trusting him. I do agree with him on that I can't live that way and I refuse to. He would have to earn back my trust back and I don't think he is willing to do that. yes it is his truck we have our own vehicles in our own names. I'm going to read some more awesome messages from you all and update when I can and try to answer. I just needed a little online boost from you all to take the next step to the lawyer let me know if you think it is manipulation on his part when he tells me I am pushing him out the door by going to a lawyer. I'm not going to lie I have my weak moments where I want things to go back to the way they were just 2 weeks ago and I was blissfully unaware. *sigh* I have also told one of his sisters about what's going on and another one of my family members.

Manipulation on his part…. that by going to a lawyer I am pushing him out the door

Oh hell no!!!!!!

He wants to cheat and suffer no consequences. He wants to lie snd cheat and demand you "accept" it.

If you give in to this manipulative behavior of his, he will either continue to cheat or find a new OW and start a new affair.

He wants to cheat, live his cushy easy lifestyle with no alimony or child support AND get away with all of it with suffering NO consequences.

He’s not a man. He’s a coward. A lying cheating coward who is disrespectful and uncaring towards you.

IMO you have zero shot of happily reconciling b/c you have nothing to work with. He’s an arrogant pompous fool who is trying to control you and the situation to get WHAT HE WANTS.

Standing up to a bully takes guts and courage. SI is here to support you in standing up to this jerk.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 5:43 PM, Tuesday, December 13th]

Him saying that you seeing a lawyer is pushing him to go is, 100%, manipulation! He left when you caught him on the phone. He's been "leaving" every time he meets/calls her.

He wants you to not say anything, to just drop it so he can not deal with any consequences and continue to see her. No. Absolutely not. If he even wants you to consider staying with him, he drops her NOW. IMMEDIATELY. Then, he gets IC and starts working on what allowed him to do this. He has to rebuild your trust in him.

Unfortunately, I think you're right. He's not willing to do any of that right now. Go to your appointment.

This is definitely manipulation from him. Textbook cheater behavior. Google DARVO. He is trying to make his deliberate decisions to hurt you your fault. And it's working. He is trying to scare you into accepting his abuse. The right answer is that if your needs push him out the door, that's the right direction for him to go.

He mistakenly thinks he is "winning" by leaving for another cheater. So their relationship will be two losers who are fine with cheating and will have zero trust because they know both of them have no moral compass and will stomp right over anyone who gets in the way of their comfort and selfish wants.

I have a strong suspicion that if you can find the strength (that we know you have) to completely drop him and show him that you will NOT participate in his sick game, his behavior will change. Even if it doesn't, you will be on the path to emotionally separating so he can't continue to hurt you. Right now he is very much enjoying you doing the pick me dance. He is NO PRIZE and you should go ahead and file for divorce and tell yours and his family what he is doing. If this is the real him, you don't want or need him. He thinks you will be a doormat and let him have complete control. Prove him wrong.

I am all in favor of protecting yourself at all times. What I cannot fathom is how some people think it is perfectly acceptable to falsely accuse a man of committing a crime. If this is what passes for advice, why not just recommend that BWs file false DV charges or false threats against minor children? You could actually get him locked up for that last one. Unflippingbelievable. This is shameful.

It is his truck, and I would never do that.

Of course you have weak moments. You are human. You've been married to him for a long time and he has dropped a bomb on your life. Be kind to yourself.

As best you can be calm and firm. Do not be bullied from seeing the attorney. He is trying to bully and manipulate you. Don't fall for it.

Always value yourself! Never forget that you are the prize. If he wants to remain in this M he needs to learn humility and remorse. Right now that does not appear likely. But stay strong. You deserve a loving faithful partner that you can trust. Do not beg or plead. It never works. The saying is that sometimes you have to risk losing the M to have any chance to save it. He needs to understand that he is broken, and he needs to do whatever you need in order to try and rebuild trust. If he balks or asks why he should do these things you require, simply tell him: "Because I am are worth it!" Always value yourself.

Sending you strength. Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 12:31 PM, December 13th (Tuesday)]

WH says if I go to this appointment tomorrow that is just pushing him towards leaving.

May I ask what planet is this guy from? I'm gobsmacked. DEFINITELY keep that appointment with the lawyer!

You do realize that you don't have to tell him ANYTHING right now, right? Please please please stop telling him things that you are going to do, what you are doing, or what you have done. He's a lying manipulator and cannot be trusted in his current state. The only communications between you should be regarding the care of the children. Otherwise, put a FULL STOP to any conversations with him.

Yeah, he'll get pissed off about that. When he does, remind him that you have one very big reason to not be speaking to him, and he should consider himself lucky that he's not hearing what you would like to have coming out of your mouth right now.

Does he think you do not have a right to an emotional reaction to what he has done? Does he deep-down believe that? If that is indeed how he feels, you need to remove him from your surroundings until he can recognize and validate you as a full and complete person that is allowed to have emotions and reactions.

As best you can be calm and firm. Do not be bullied from seeing the attorney. He is trying to bully and manipulate you. Don't fall for it.

I will be there tomorrow.