SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Lilbritches.

You and I are sharing almost the same scenario.

For months I kept dragging him down the path to R. He would say "we are R" then days later turn around and do something to destroy any progress.

Things I learned:

The cheater has to want to R. You cannot talk to them or get them " to understand" or commit to you or the kids or the marriage.

The cheater takes action or doesn’t. Action being positive steps towards R and repairing the damage done to the marriage. If you have to wait around for that, the cheater is most likely lying to you by saying one thing and doing another.

The cheater can threaten you all they want. You are betrayed. You are entitled to discuss the Affair as part of the healing process. If not, that cheater the cheater is putting himself first and being selfish.

Like I said, the day I had enough of my H’s bullshit was the day I took back my power, did the hard 180 and stopped living under the infidelity cloud. And I never looked back.

It was his turn to prove to me there was something left to R with. Luckily he finally stepped up and stopped his fence sitting.

I'm sorry you all but I can't gray rock, I'm not good at that. I told him point blank he can be mad all he wants because I went to a lawyer but he created the situation and he knows me when you tell me NOT to do something or threaten me NOT to do something then by gosh I'm going to do it. Because of his medical condition, we haven't had sex in years, so yeah this affair is a total shock to me that he could even go there much less perform. But I was asked to have patience with this medical situation and I did I didn't demean or pressure or beg I supported him. We don't share a bed we share a room, we are not a normal household we all don't go to bed at a certain time and get up at a certain time. And I've looked for the phone as much as I can I gotta do it while he is asleep I pretty much know he has probably locked it in a toolbox craftsman roller one if anyone has suggestions on how I can get that unlocked without a key cause you know he is guarding that key. But why do I need that phone? What am I going to do with it? I don't need to prove he is cheating to get a divorce our state doesn't require proof.

pretty sure those craftsman locks have a key number on it, go to a store that sells craftsman cases and ask if they sell key # whatever is on the lock.
Or if you have other small keys around the home try those, many of those small locks are keyed similarly to work interchangabley, I have one on my RV that works to lock the back of the shell on my truck for instance.

Not sure why you need the phone. You know he is actively cheating.
I think you may want to concentrate on what you need from him, and what your lines in the sand are, and prepare to act on that. He has had no consequences yet from his actions, when you make life uncomfortable for him that may change his tune, and if it doesn't then you know he isn't worth it.

Get STD tested, see your Dr let them know what's up. Get meds to help w/ sleep and eating if you are struggling. This can be quite a trauma, for many here the worst thing they have lived through up to this point. It's not unusual to need some support. It's also wise to have a physical to be sure your BP isn't super high, or things aren't getting out of whack where you will end up sick, and unable to care for yourself or your kids.

I think it’s pretty clear what he wants. He wants you to just accept his other relationship or he’s gone. He really thinks he’s that much of a catch.

Lil, please try and practice the 180. Not for him, but for you. You say you aren’t good at that stuff, but it’s the kind of thing that gets better with practice.

If he knows you already went to a lawyer, then good. You mean business. If it only pushed him toward the OW, then it only solidifies this will be the best option for you in the long run.

Whatever you were advised to do in that lawyer appointment, try to use it to start getting your ducks in a row.

[This message edited by Forks027 at 1:08 AM, Thursday, December 15th]

Not sure why you need the phone. You know he is actively cheating.

I think the same thing I don't need that phone. I know he is cheating.

I set a boundary today that I don't think I made clear before. He was getting dressed to leave and I asked him if he was really going to where he said he was going and not to see her, of course, he looked me straight in the face and said no I'm not going to see her and made a sound like he is over all this already and that I don't trust him. (He wants the freedom he once had) I once again reinforced that this was his bed that HE made and he has done nothing to reassure me that I can trust him. I looked right at him and told him he needed to END the affair. He said ok. He left and we will see what's up from there. I expect to hear that he is going to break it off that's what should happen. I'm not holding out much hope.

A personal feeling from me, I feel like they (WH&AP) are waiting around for me to do the divorce leg work for him cause I know him all to well, I've taken care of him for over 32 years he will not initiate it I've done everything for this man, he doesn't want to do the paperwork and lawyer hunting etc etc. I think she is guiding him in a way to keep me pacified just enough that I don't kick him out just yet. His sneaking to the garage just mere minutes of me leaving yesterday solidifies this feeling for me. My husband is also a physical person who will offer hugs and comfort. I haven't gotten anything like that from him no comfort and no words of reassurance from him. And I've gotten a lot of AH-HAs!!! I knew you would react this way and I feel like I am being judged then I get flustered and lose my train of thought and my brain just doesn't kick in anymore.

[This message edited by lilbritches at 6:31 PM, Thursday, December 15th]

His sneaking to the garage just mere minutes of me leaving yesterday solidifies this feeling for me.

I would tell him that he might as well call her right in front of me from now on since you know and he's got nothing to hide. It might work.

LB, it is perfectly OK that you're experiencing the feelings you're going through right now. You've just had the very foundation of your life knocked out from under you and you're being treated horribly by the person you felt closest to in your whole world. A lot of the things you believed to be true are not. Heck, you're not even married to the man you thought you were. When we use the term "mindfuck" it's because infidelity really does mess up your head in a major way.

Try to do something little every day that asserts your autonomy, your power. Right now, you're probably looking around the room, going, "I thought I had some power over my life. After all, things seemed ok. Now, where is that power? That self-control? Where the hell did I put that?!?!?!?" Yeah, your WH ran off with it in the night, that's where it went. So now it's time to start rebuilding your power all on your own. (For me, believe it or not, it started with ordering Pizza Hut for dinner one night. XWH hated Pizza Hut, and me and the kids loved it. We hadn't had it in years. The night I ordered from the Hut felt like such a victory!) Start doing little things for you that make you happy and know that you don't CARE what your WH thinks of these things.

To do the pick me dance is to willingly give your power away and victimize yourself. To leave yourself stuck in an untenable situation is to victimize yourself. To had over your agency, and accept that you can be told how to feel it to victimize yourself.

Not to revert back to third grade or anything, but adopting an "I'm rubber and you're glue. Anything you say bounces off of me and sticks to you," attitude will help you right now.

He wants you to suck it up and be over the affair? Fine, then you have to tell me EVERYRTHING, because I can't get over what I don't know about. Sorry, but you opened the door to a room full of mistrust when you started cheating on me, and I don't know who you are anymore. And the "you" I have seen recently isn't anyone I want anything to do with. So if you want me to get over it, give me the tools to do so.

Yeah, he'll yell and bitch and threaten to leave. Try calling his bluff the next time he threatens to leave, and tell him if he's going to do it, do it now. (I know that seems impossible, but it's not. A lot of people here have done exactly that.)

The point is, he's going to bluster and continue to be a huge jerk as long as you continue to take it. You KNOW in your head that it's all a control mechanism (even if your heart doesn't agree). That game only works if two people play it. So stop playing!

When I was going through all of this, I was an absolute idiot and did everything the wrong way. I took his continuing the A. I tried to feel how he told me to feel. I even let him convince me that his A was my fault; that I wasn't "enough" of a wife (for a while). I was so desperate to save the marriage (the pretend one I thought we had, not the hot mess that it actually was - turns out I didn't want that marriage and gave it up) that I didn't think smart at all and it cost me dearly in so many ways. It took about 7 years of my life and soooo much money that I don't even want to think about it to get over the whole thing. AND it hurt my kids terribly. And that's something I can't fix that hurts me to this day. Please don't repeat my mistakes.

Yeah, this sucks. But there are ways to minimize the harm that his infidelity will do to you and your kids. No, you don't deserve it. It's not fair. And I'm so sorry that it's happening to you.

You have had your world turned upside down. What you thought or felt you knew is over. I agree w the previous poster, you need to take back your power one bit at a time until it starts to feel a bit more normal to you. Each small step you take to just detach yourself from him will help you. You were honest in saying that this is hard, you feel its hard to not be truthful to him in what you are doing, but HE has been keeping truths from you for a long time...so at some point you are going to finally realize that he is not your friend, he is not on your side, there is nothing that you can say to him at this moment that will get him to see it your way or going to help you somehow fix this situation. As you said, he will not lift a hand to do anything except for what he wants to do.

Solarchick and RealiltyBites are right: you can’t control a single thing that he’s going to do. All you can do is set boundaries for yourself and begin to operate on what works for you.

Number one is to STOP taking care of ANYTHING for him. Literally. No laundry. No cooking. No picking things up for him. You say that you have taken care of everything for him. Just stop. He fired you from that job. He is not a child. He has been a big enough guy to start and operate an affair behind your back and destroy your family and the future that you thought you were going to have together. He’ll figure it out.

You aren’t gaining anything except disrespect by continuing to care for someone who is not reciprocating. Use that extra time to do things for yourself. Get a message. Go to a spa. Take a walk. Join a gym. Whatever you’ve been setting aside to take care of him, do it. And make sure that he knows you’re doing it. He needs to see that he’s not the center of your universe. When you keep doing everything for him, you delude him into thinking that he can get away with whatever he wants because you are just going to suck it up and soldier on.

I continue to think that it’s important for you to find a way to inform the OBS if possible. If he does not know what’s happening, he is in the same position as you, but he’s even more vulnerable because he doesn’t know it. It is a kindness and a major service to let him know that this is happening.

Like Solarchick, it took me far too long to figure out that my WH was going to do exactly what suited him and not one thing more. He didn’t give a shit about what he had put me through, so he didn’t care about continuing to hurt me and our kids by refusing to look at his own behavior and do the hard work. He didn’t necessarily want to end our marriage. He just didn’t want to act like a decent husband, father, friend, or human being in any way. That was too hard and would require him to accept that he was a shithead who had devastated everyone around him. Like your WH, he just wanted it to go away. He was the victim. He expected a guarantee that I would not bring up the A in uncomfortable ways before committing to do anything at all. And honestly, even when he did commit, he didn’t follow through on any of the commitments that he made.

That is real entitlement. That is a sign that he completely took for granted that he could do absolutely ANYTHING and I would suck it up and keep taking care of all of his shit. I think you are in a similar situation. All that you have done for him does not provoke appreciation and gratitude. It has provoked disrespect and disregard and entitlement. You are the only person who can show him that he is not entitled to your love and service while carrying on an A and thinking he gets to set all the terms.

I’m really sorry that he’s being such a shit. This is a tough time of year for any BS, and it’s the worst when he’s decided to stay in an active A right in front of your face. I hope that you can find your anger and outrage.

People like this are really, really good at learning how to manipulate their spouses and significant others. Don’t beat yourself up too much that you find yourself flustered and unable to respond sometimes, but do start realizing that keeping your wits about you and learning ways to combat your conditioned responses when he gets abusive and starts deflecting and gaslighting and blameshifting is critical for you right now, or he’s going to walk all over you again. He’s an expert at this, so if you’re going to engage with him, you’ll need to develop some skills you never thought you’d need to deal with your own husband.

He’s not your friend right now. He may not be your friend ever again. Right now, he is dishonest, untrustworthy, abusive, and an unrepentant cheater. Treat him like he is exactly what he is: a person who is a threat to you.

I continue to think that it’s important for you to find a way to inform the OBS if possible. If he does not know what’s happening, he is in the same position as you, but he’s even more vulnerable because he doesn’t know it. It is a kindness and a major service to let him know that this is happening.

I have tried to contact him. Every number that comes up for him is in her name. I've called and text all of them I've left a voicemail and or text message saying the same thing. "Hi, ******* this is LB and I would like to talk to you about your wife ******** and my husband ***** call me back at and then leave my number"

he could do absolutely ANYTHING and I would suck it up and keep taking care of all of his shit. I think you are in a similar situation.

I've stopped all that I was doing, he has done his own laundry (one load so far), He is taking care of his own meds, I am still cooking because the household has to eat so I can't stop doing that, and I continue to pay the bills as not to get anything shut off. Since he is not working some of the things he needed are not needing to be done anymore.

Edited to add some information and to ask for a recommendation. We do not live in the same town or even the same state as the AP or her husband. Any suggested websites I can trust to get more information on how to contact him, I have their home address and all phone numbers are in her name. I paid a little bit for the white pages information but that didn't uncover anything I couldn't find out online already.

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[This message edited by lilbritches at 12:12 PM, Friday, December 16th]

I am proud of you, LB. Laundry is a great first step! Keep it up honey; you'll get there. Hugs to you as you go through this.

Go get your nails done to reward yourself! I found Christmas RED with little presents painted onto my ring fingers particularly empowering. They even added tiny little gems. I'm not going to lie, it was fun getting them done and it was something I hadn't done for myself in a looonnnggg time. Heh, I may do that today (if I find the time) and have them done the same way to honor your progress. 😁🎁

You have their home address. You don't need his phone number.

Write him a letter. Tell him who you are, who your husband is, and the basic facts about the affair. (Avoid calling her the trash that she is,otherwise she might attempt to tell him you are some wacko out for revenge,and there wasn't an affair)

Attach a copy of any evidence you have. Suggest he look at his wife's phone records,because you know your husband has a burner phone that he is using to speak to his wife with.

Send the letter certified, and pay extra for the service to require his,and ONLY his signature. She won't legally be allowed to sign for it, or be handed the letter.

Include your phone number,and let him know you are available to answer questions.

[This message edited by HellFire at 1:34 PM, Friday, December 16th]

Hey it’s been 9 years since Dday2 and I have not done his laundry (except when he was injured one summer).

Your H is still not putting you first. Not your marriage. He’s not doing anything to make amends.

So sorry for you.

I am proud of you, LB. Laundry is a great first step! Keep it up honey; you'll get there. Hugs to you as you go through this.

Laundry was a HUGE step, he has never done one load since he's been with me and his mom did it for him before that. But it's easy right cause it was just his clothes. I wouldn't let him wash my clothes with his cause his underwear had evidence in them.

Go get your nails done to reward yourself! I found Christmas RED with little presents painted onto my ring fingers particularly empowering.

I did a little shopping today. My heart wasn't in it but I was gone for a little while.

Write him a letter. Tell him who you are, who your husband is, and the basic facts about the affair. (Avoid calling her the trash that she is,otherwise she might attempt to tell him you are some wacko out for revenge,and there wasn't an affair)

Attach a copy of any evidence you have. Suggest he look at his wife's phone records,because you know your husband has a burner phone that he is using to speak to his wife with.

Send the letter certified, and pay extra for the service to require his,and ONLY his signature. She won't legally be allowed to sign for it, or be handed the letter.

Very good idea, I have no information to share with him. My husband confessed after he came home smelling of perfume and everything else has been just trickle of information coming out.

Anyone have recommendations on the brand of voice recorder or type of one. Which ones to stay away from? Which ones are junk? I have couple in my amazon cart but haven't bought them yet.This is the one I have my eye on. 64GB Mini Voice Activated Recorder,Taheng Small Recording Device with 750 Hrs Recording Capacity,USB Digital Audio Recorder for Lecture Interview Meeting Class.

Sony. Use the very best batteries and cover the light that indicates recording in progress.

A personal feeling from me, I feel like they (WH&AP) are waiting around for me to do the divorce leg work for him cause I know him all to well, I've taken care of him for over 32 years he will not initiate it I've done everything for this man, he doesn't want to do the paperwork and lawyer hunting etc etc.

So do it, because he's using you right now and obviously too weak to do it himself.

re: Voice recorder
As shockedmom said get A Sony they are in the $60 price range. Get lithium batteries. Cover the light and cut just the plug from an old pair of ear buds and put it in the headphone jack so there will be no chance of any warning beeps (low battery, storage max, etc.)

Husband walked out today. He thought I didn't have a right to keep questioning him over and over again or want details or heaven forbid even still be mad at him. He says he has no place to go. (He actually does at 2 sisters' houses,) but then he would have to answer to them so he ain't going there one of them already knows everything cause I told her two weeks after I caught him. I told him in order to stay he was to cut off communication with AP no sneaking around texting her. I guess he couldn't handle that, so he went to go sleep in his truck tonight and wants to come back tomorrow. I said there ain't no coming back, leaving coming back we've been playing that game for 30 days now. I'm exhausted I have the flu I'm just done.