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Anybody else surprised by the number of people who knew about spouse's affair?

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 OldBeachOwl (original poster new member #81048) posted at 6:01 PM on Thursday, November 24th, 2022

My RN wife's affair with a surgical resident doctor while working in the Emergency Room of a Southern California hospital in the 1970's was, I have since discovered, the source of a great deal of prurient interest among the nurses and other doctors, many of whom were sexually involved. Few if any had progressed to a full on PA with a married nurse however, so the degree of interest in following the affair was high to the point that it wss agreed to not disturb the adulterous occupants of the suite of rooms reserved for Med and Surgical Residents when they slipped in there after work to enjoy bed time together. My wife has admitted that around thirty co-workers knew of their affair, even my personal doctor was aware of their coupling and in an oblique way tried to warn me about her affair.. I did not fully understand his monition, sadly.All my wife's sisters knew plus a number of female friends, I now believe even her mother knew. All in all at least fifty people were aware of her betrayal other marriage vows. maybe more. Anybody else have a similar number of people in the know? Does it disturb you as much ad it did me, knowing nobody, except one person, attempted to warn me?

posts: 14   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2022   ·   location: Tucson
id 8766597
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 6:19 PM on Thursday, November 24th, 2022

As you can imagine, it's slow on holidays. I read your post, but my W kept the knowledge very narrow - just her and ow until the last couple of weeks when OBS was brought into the loop. It still sucks.

Infidelity is apparently so rampant in hospitals that I can see people shrugging their shoulders. Family ... I expect at least 99 out of 100 to support their relatives.

Still sucks. Still sucks even though no one knew except the players.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27872   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8766599
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 8:35 PM on Thursday, November 24th, 2022

It didn’t happen to me but to a very close friend. Turns out her HS BF turned H was a serial cheater. He had two OW, a fiancée and an OC and was supporting the child snd former OW, unbeknownst to his wife.

All his friends knew. And their wives and GFs. And all his co-workers knew. And their spouses and SO. Even the neighbors knew.

The only people who did not know was her friends and family.

The only way my friend found out was b/c the OW got dumped by my friends CH and she called my friend and spilled the beans.

All of it.

She ditched them all, moved and re-started her life.

She’s been happily D for decades from the serial cheating former H. He however, has never changed.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 8:37 PM, Thursday, November 24th]

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12792   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8766612
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 3:31 AM on Friday, November 25th, 2022

Did you tell your son today that he’s not your biological child?

posts: 568   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8766645
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 5:17 AM on Friday, November 25th, 2022

Well, one sister warned me, but it was the day after my XWH slept with his sister/AP. Two weeks later, I found evidence on his phone and now we're D.

I've gone the D route and not sure if knowing in advance would help. Doing much better now.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1490   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8766652
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 4:34 PM on Friday, November 25th, 2022

I highly suspect that WH and LTAP were the best kept non-secret in town.

LTAP lives out of state but lived here during school years. So she would know many in the area. I've heard more than once over the years "don't you remember such and such event?... No - you have to..., your WH was there and you were with him..."

So I realized that while they may not have been outwardly dating, people did assume they were together. And [as we are similar build and for a while she had similar hair as mine] it was "assumed" by many that the woman WH would talk with was me. And while I have come to expect this assumption and come to realize while they were "careful" in public the vibe they gave off was one of "together". And it stings every single time.

Now when someone mentions a generic way-back moment I just smile and nod while my insides are sobbing. I now mention these moments to WH on the way home [I used to hide them and my pain]. I tell him I mention them because it caught me off guard and I know I will seem out of sorts. And while I'm not "rubbing his nose in it" per se, I am making him aware. Because it affects me and us.

Now that all that is said - I'm sure there are a select close few that actually did figure it out at the time but did/said nothing WH or I.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home) Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS 2018 Cease & Desist sent spring 2021"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3572   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8766702
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 5:52 PM on Friday, November 25th, 2022

What an awful thing to learn so many years later, OldBeachOwl.

Fortunately, as far as I know, no one else was aware of my H's affair, however people he worked with CLEARLY would have observed what likely looked like an inappropriate friendship and even THAT was humiliating to me - even though it shouldn't have been. I did nothing wrong. Same with you - YOUR dignity is tact, no matter how differently you're feeling now.

Welcome to SI. I've seen your story in bits and bops in your other replies, but especially since your D-day was somewhat recent, I encourage you to post a JFO story.

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 6 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two toddlers) into R. Happy.

posts: 1026   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8766712
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HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 6:00 PM on Friday, November 25th, 2022

"None are so blind as choose not to see." That is the typical BS mantra until the evidence overwhelms. But everyone else usually aren’t so inhibited, and know well before the BS. They at least aren’t surprised when it comes out.

Our friend group knew. I dumped them all.

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2858   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8766714
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Rocko ( new member #80436) posted at 1:02 AM on Saturday, November 26th, 2022

OBO,

I've read some of your story on other's posts.

Your WW is a piece of work! I'm not sure how old your son is, but there must decades of lies coming from her lips!

I know it will be heartbreaking to you to inform your son that you are not his biological father, but it must be done. I believe you said the POSAP died from cancer, your son needs to know if genetics places him at risk. Who knows your son may be entitled to some of POS's estate, and buy matching sports cars for you and him.

You POSWW needs to have the light of day shown on her deceitful soul.

Sending you strength!

posts: 15   ·   registered: Jul. 18th, 2022   ·   location: Where It's Hot
id 8766745
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Lostwings ( member #79902) posted at 7:44 PM on Sunday, November 27th, 2022

OBO,
Sending you strength during this holiday season . This is probably also a good time to tell your oldest son that you are not his biological father, BUT you love him the same as your own flesh and blood .

A good idea as well to tell the POS family about your son’s existence. Yes, who knows you ended with a sports car for each of you !

I thought it was love at the end of the rainbow , but a banshee came and almost destroyed my pot of gold . In R.

posts: 65   ·   registered: Feb. 7th, 2022   ·   location: United States
id 8766924
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CrapMan ( new member #80450) posted at 9:21 PM on Sunday, November 27th, 2022

My wife is an RN and has worked at only 2 hospitals. One had 350 patient beds and the 450. So, good sized hospitals with lots of employees. She knew of only 1 rumored infidelity in all those years. The rumor was regarding 2 female coworkers and that they were involved with one another. Both were married to men. Even though the rumor was widely known, it was only a rumor with no known proof.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2022
id 8766931
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Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 12:22 PM on Monday, November 28th, 2022

I am not sure it's helpful to tell the son, not sure that the pros outweigh the cons in this situation. In fact, I see no real positives.

posts: 697   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8767001
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 1:33 PM on Monday, November 28th, 2022

Maybe a different era with different views and morals. The 70s was also the highlight of keychain parties, private screenings of Behind the Green Door, Deep Throat and things that we wouldn’t necessarily consider "common" or even reasonable today. Maybe you were simply considered a seriously uncool and possessive dude by the hip and chilling free-love crowd dominating the work-culture at the hospital. Sort of "Chill out man, she’s not your possession…" mentality.

I also think that many of those that "knew" maybe didn’t… It was probably a rumor that once exposed everyone is saying "aha! I KNEW IT!" when in fact they suspected it.

But yes. It does surprise me the number of people that come out of the woodworks afterwards and share they knew.
In my instance my fiancé (at the time) would go pick up random guys for sex. I learned afterwards that several of her closer friends knew and were even with her on some of the nights (as in a GNO and she would disappear with a guy for an hour or two). I also got some retrospective comments from people that told me they suspected, they had heard rumors or that they had noticed something suspicious.

At the time our social life revolved a lot around her friends so I could easily distance myself from them. Of my friends there was one who knew but didn’t tell me and our friendship undeniably took a dent.

It’s been quite some many years since… I met my ex fiance’s former co-owner at their hair- and beauty salon about 10 years ago by coincidence one evening and she shared with me how sorry she was for never warning me. I really appreciated that.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 11139   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8767012
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Reece ( member #52975) posted at 3:02 PM on Monday, November 28th, 2022

I was both surprised and disappointed by how many of my wife's friends (who I had relationships with as well) and family knew about her long term affair. It was just more salt in the wound.

posts: 150   ·   registered: Apr. 28th, 2016
id 8767022
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LegsWideShut ( member #80302) posted at 7:14 PM on Monday, November 28th, 2022

Fairly certain my former MIL knew. Mainly as she never warmed to me to matter how I helped her and her family.

I'll be honest I have no idea how you are holding up after the news you got, I really don't. My wife read your story as I was, and she looked at me and said "You'd never speak to again would you!" It wasn't a question, it was a factual statement.

Even if there were people around me that knew about my wifes affair and didnt say anything to me,no matter how long ago it was they would be as dead to me as she is.

[This message edited by LegsWideShut at 7:15 PM, Monday, November 28th]

posts: 90   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2022   ·   location: New England
id 8767049
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