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Newest Member: M0771

New Beginnings :
I guess it's safe to update

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ff4152 ( member #55404) posted at 4:00 PM on Tuesday, January 3rd, 2023

Hi JSG

I really hope you keep this thread going for a while. I enjoy reading your positive updates. In the sea of misery that SI tends to be, this is a welcome respite.

BTW, congrats on your new place.

Me -FWS

posts: 2103   ·   registered: Sep. 30th, 2016
id 8771884
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 4:27 AM on Wednesday, January 4th, 2023

Ditto. Like hearing about the updates. Plus, I like hearing about the friends your kids bring by. There are so many kids that don't have the support of their family that it's difficult to understand.

After the fact, I found out that we were the "cool" family because we accepted the kids as they were at the time...even though we were the "conservative Christian" family. The important thing is to let them have a place to just be.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3546   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8771978
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 4:56 PM on Sunday, January 15th, 2023

Thank you all for your comments. If anyone would have told me five years ago that this is where I would be, I would have scoffed at it. Infidelity had so destroyed me that I could see no was to be anything but completely broken.

Just thought I'd post an update. We've been in the new place for about a month now and it feels more like home. I'm having challenges with the fireplace as it smokes up the house. I've watched videos and spoken to buddies,but no solution. I think I'm going to call some experts in to give me advice and clean the chimney. Ive come to really love coming home and building a nice fire in the evening. It's been healing.

I've finally settled on the kitchen design and solved all of the little quirky problems. It is a very small space, so I've worked hard to create as much usable storage space as I can. Sent the request to the strata council and waiting to order the cabinets. Then some minor prep and a wall extension. It will be nice to have a usable kitchen to cook in again.

My bedroom has become a sanctuary of sorts. It's large enough that I was able to place an armchair and side table in a corner, so I have a quiet place whe kids have friends over. Plus the rooftop deck will be great in the warmer months. I'm looking forward to using it often. Not sure how I will fill the space as there is no covering from rain or snow. I'd love to hear suggestions though.

So that's it for now...

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1831   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8773469
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devotedman ( member #45441) posted at 9:43 PM on Sunday, January 15th, 2023

If I had a rooftop space I'd get a small six or eight inch telescope. One with goto capability. Ed Ting on YouTube for ideas on which.

Folding table and chairs for warm weather relaxation.

Me: 2xBS b 1962 xWW after 2 decades, xWGF after almost 1.
Amelia Pond: Who are you?
The Doctor: I don't know yet. I'm still cooking.
ENFP-A. Huh.

posts: 5155   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2014   ·   location: Central USA
id 8773482
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 2:48 PM on Monday, January 23rd, 2023

Great idea Dman. I have an astronomy binoculars I bought at a garage sale. I'll have to try them out when it gets warmer.

Just ordered the cabinets on Friday. Kitchen gut came over and didn't get final measurement. He ended up staying for a beer and we chatted for about an hour. Nice guy.

It's funny that his relationship mirrors shat mine was like in many ways. His partner lives in her body and isn't interested in thoughtful discussion, so he seeks it elsewhere. Two solitudes I guess...

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1831   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8774388
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 1:42 AM on Thursday, March 2nd, 2023

Well everyone, I thought I'd send a quick update about the new place and the next chapter. We are sort of settled now, with 90% of the unpacking done. I've finally sorted the fireplace out, so I've been enjoying quiet evenings by the fire. I cannot tell you how healing it is.

The cabinets arrive next month, so I will finally have a usable kitchen. I can't wait to be able to really cook again. And now, I'll be able to have people over. This whole move has been a net positive thing. I feel like bits of me are coming back, like I'm slowly unearthing something long buried. Funny thing, I think I started to bury that stuff decades before my WW's cheating came to light.

My daughters are settling in as well. My older one is getting comfortable and thinks of this place as "home". My younger is taking it slower. She graduates this year and I suspect she will move in with me full-time. It will be nice to have both girls home with me.

Things are expensive, so I have a few side gigs going on my days off. I do some extra contact work for the government, drive wine tours, and build sets for the local opera company. Even with all the extra work, I find myself bored. Just goes to show you how much work being married was.

So that's it for now. I'm slowly settling into my new life. The biggest thing I have is peace, lots of it. So as I write this, I'm cooking up some pulled pork for dinner. My daughter has her guy over and it should be a nice, relaxing night.

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1831   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8780161
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 5:33 AM on Thursday, March 2nd, 2023

Quiet nights by the fire sound heavenly. So glad you're doing well, JSG. An added bonus is that your DDs are starting to settle in. Glad you're finding peace and able to find joy.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3546   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8780192
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 6:23 AM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023

Any updates, JSG? I'd love to hear about a crackling fire or visit to your favorite pub, or dancing lessons.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3546   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8782849
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 5:57 PM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023

Just thought I'd post an update since you asked. I've stopped my antidepressants as it don't seem to need them anymore. Feeling very much more positive about life now. Weird, never thought I'd see positive again.

I start ripping out the old kitchen next week and doing the prep work for the kitchen cabinet installers.

I've solved the fireplace issues and now use it every night, regularly falling asleep from the warmth. I cannotveven begin to tell you how healing it's been.

I've started exploring the new neighborhood. It is amazingly walkable with pubs, restaurants, shopping, and rec facilities.

I've even signed up for online dating again. I've met some nice women through the chat function and one has asked to meet. One really nice woman lives in Spokane, 5 hours away, and we connected before I toggled my filters. Too bad, as she seems like someone I could connect with. I plan on going forward with a more open/growth mindset. I feel very much better after moving into this place, like I am really starting a new chapter in my life.

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1831   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8782893
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ff4152 ( member #55404) posted at 8:45 PM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023

JSG

Just wanted to say thanks for your update. I enjoy reading those "rising from ashes" stories. It really sounds like you’re finding happiness and peace these days and I hope it continues.

Please keep us updating on your progress no matter how trivial. You have at least one fan here!

Me -FWS

posts: 2103   ·   registered: Sep. 30th, 2016
id 8782911
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 10:03 PM on Saturday, March 18th, 2023

Isn't that feeling of contentment the best? No more walking on egg shells, trying to figure out what mood the spouse is in...just chillaxin' by the fire.

Sounds like an awesome neighborhood.

Good luck on the kitchen. I hope everything goes smoothly.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3546   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8782921
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 3:05 AM on Sunday, March 19th, 2023

Thanks Leafields!

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1831   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8782957
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1994 ( member #82615) posted at 6:25 PM on Tuesday, March 21st, 2023

Good to see you moving forward and healing. Also, for being able to wean yourself off of antidepressants. You deserve a good life.

posts: 164   ·   registered: Dec. 25th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8783347
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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 1:46 AM on Friday, March 31st, 2023

Another fantastic update in NB, JSG! This is the best you’ve ever "sounded." You not only sound peaceful, as you stated, but you sound hopeful. Isn’t the return of hope just splendid?

And cozy nights by a fireplace are one of my favorite things in life.

Good luck with the dating, and please keep us posted! Your positive energy will surely attract plenty of women! Hopefully there is a keeper among them!

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 1:47 AM, Friday, March 31st]

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4520   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8784942
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 10:03 PM on Sunday, April 2nd, 2023

Thanks WTB! The cabinets arrive tomorrow. I've ripped out the old kitchen, moved and rewired lights (the previous ones were done incorrectly) added a plug, painted, and then out the flooring under the cabinet areas.

The online dating has not been horrible. Went on two first dates. No sparks, but great conversation. One is interested in more, but I am uncertain, the other has ghosted me i think.. I've also connected with a woman who is moving to my city in the summer and seems keen.

Now the slight complication. There is a woman I know who has S from her H after a long time of difficulties. She has been making overtures and being increasingly flirty with me,going out of her way to just message me about stuff. The problem ìs that she is just my type, kind, empathetic, caring, and cute as a button. She just turned 40, which is quite a bit younger than me. I'm not interested in anything serious and am a take it sloooooooow guy. And I don't do hookups as I just don't want a body count, especially in a smaller community.

Thoughts? I've been alone for over 3 years now, and I do get lonely.

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1831   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8785437
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 2:21 AM on Monday, April 3rd, 2023

Forgot to mention that I'm glad you're off the anti-depressants. Just keep tabs so you don't slide back down.

Has the complication had time to recover from the M and the aftermath? If you like her and there are no red flags, then the age difference may not be that big of a deal. Would your girls be ok with the relationship?

The updates to your house seem to be going well. Sounds like you have done a lot of work.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3546   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8785462
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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 5:59 PM on Tuesday, April 4th, 2023

Agree with Lea, the age is less of an issue than the newly separated status. Where is her head? Why so quick to date? You deserve more than to be someone’s distraction or source of ego kibbles.

If you aren’t looking for anything serious, and you don’t do hook ups, tell her that. Hold your boundary. See how she responds. (Hopefully she doesn’t see you as a challenge and try to seduce you🤣. If you are lonely, in that moment, you might cave.) if you’re not into her for various reasons, perhaps best to keep your distance. Lust is a powerful thing… keep us posted. In the meantime, keep on keeping on, and have fun with the dating..

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4520   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8785693
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 Justsomeguy (original poster member #65583) posted at 2:37 PM on Monday, April 10th, 2023

Well, we went out to the mutual class we take and spoke during some downtime. Turns out that we both like each other, but have agreed that slow is the name of the game while she processes and heals. I told her that I'm food with that and in no hurry, but would like to eventually explore these feelings if we still have them down the road.

Then she drove me home and as I said goodnight and was about to leave, she pulled me in and kissed me. Gotta say, it felt nice as it has been a long time. The next day, we both agreed to keep it casual with no pressure. I have no expectations one way or another, but if being alone for three years has taught me anything, is that I do have the right to explore things, as long as I am upfront and honest.

We have a coffee date set up for next weekend and I'm sure it will bring more clarity to the situation.

Quick question though. My profile is still active in OLD, but I am not doing the swipe thing. There is a woman who has shown interest and would like to connect when she moves here in the summer. How do I navigate this? And no, I don't want to spin plates, but I also don't want to put all my eggs in one basket.

I'm an oulier in my positions.

Me:55 STBXWW:55 DD#1: false confession of EA Dec. 2016. False R for a year.DD#2: confessed to year long PA Dec. 2 2017 (was about to be outed)Called it off and filed. Denied having an affair in court papers.

Divorced 20

posts: 1831   ·   registered: Jul. 25th, 2018   ·   location: Canada
id 8786404
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 3:05 PM on Monday, April 10th, 2023

So she agreed to "go S.L.O.W." but thought it was cool to go for a goodnight kiss. If I told a date that I wanted to go slow and he said he did too, and then he made that move, you know what? I'd feel he was being a bit aggressive. I might not want to hang out with him, knowing his intention is to get physical with me, when we just met. (Something like that happened on my first date with my SAWH and it should have been a big red flag that he was acting out a script instead of getting to know me. I told him I didn't have those feelings for him and he was quick to cool it. But I missed a huge clue.)

I hope I don't sound old-fashioned but once the physical aspects of attraction are allowed to kick in, it is much harder to be clear-headed and especially if you want to keep dating. These days it seems like dating means way more than going out for dinner...so never mind this advice if I'm being too cautious.

posts: 2069   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8786407
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Crazytrain101 ( member #48200) posted at 6:51 PM on Wednesday, April 12th, 2023

Justsomeguy, that all sounds wonderful! I can concur, I slept on a sleeper sofa in our bonus room for 3 years!

I too have a peppery child, one that is my heart and soul and was very close to me prior to the D being filed. Hoping for us both time will change the attitudes.

8 years ago-found out he was a serial cheater-Reconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1848   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8786652
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