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Newest Member: Crushedafter46years

Reconciliation :
Tis the season to be triggered fa La La La La …

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 Howcthappen (original poster new member #80775) posted at 8:30 PM on Thursday, November 17th, 2022

How do you handle tough seasons?

This season I tough for me because I found phone records when I didn’t know he was having an affair where he spent hours on the phone with her when he was away at work on 11/16. He came home and took the next day off to be with me. We fought and argued and he seemed unsatisfied with me and acted strangely. I couldn’t understand it. In retrospect I realize he was probably deciding to end it with her but was looking to me to provide those same kind of limerance sparks but couldn’t feel them and turned on me.

He didn’t call her for until Thanksgiving about 10 days later but lied to me about seeing friends who were in town for the holiday. The friend was just a lie so that he could give her Thanksgiving eve and day. 😡 she didn’t want to spend another holiday alone and this is what he gave her.

Whenever I’m reminded of the lies he told to me to keep her happy tge more I hate him. Yes he was trying to end it…..but he didn’t. I found out in December 11. He ended it then and went back in January and she ended it February because he told her he’d never leave me and that he loved me……

It’s so hurtful. I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this time of year.

How do you handle your "triggery season?"

Three years since DdayNever gonna be the sameReconcilingThe sting is still present

posts: 20   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2022   ·   location: DC
id 8765612
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Ladybugmaam ( member #69881) posted at 10:45 PM on Thursday, November 17th, 2022

This is my triggery season too. OW actually had my whole fam damily over for Christmas dinner while the A was going on. Tis the season. barf

It looks like I'm about a year out further than you. It's still there, but less acute in the pain. Making new holiday memories has helped. I did hokey matching pajamas, new recipes, lower key celebrations, MUCH less pressure on myself. We've done a lot of traveling - if you can - that has helped me too. As change of scenery and new memories....and feeling the awful feelings when they pop up while also recognizing what is here and now.

I'm sorry this hurts. It touches so many parts of your life. Up until about now, I never thought I would enjoy the fall or the holidays ever again. I'm sort of looking forward to them this year. That's slow progress, but progress. You've been the the crapper. Do what makes things easier/happier/and more meaningful for you. The rest can F all the right off.

EA DD 11/2018
PA DD 2/25/19
One teen son
I am a phoenix.

posts: 300   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2019
id 8765626
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 11:05 PM on Thursday, November 17th, 2022

It sucks donkey balls the first few years. Feel the suck. Don't try to outwit it, fake it, or ignore it.

In fact as you heal yourself and yes I firmly believe as BS we are responsible for our own healing. Sure our remorseful WS can support us but they can't do it for us.

Things I did that helped
1. Limited unnecessary interaction with family. I didn't want their questions looks of pity or judgment.

2. Set family expectations it going to be a quiet and small xmas/holiday season.

3. Take time for yourself everyday. Do something kind for you and you alone.

4. Set expectations with WS that due to their actions you need them to step up abd and take on some of the responsibilities of the season. Shopping, wrapping, etc. Mutually decide together what doesn't need to be done like Xmas cards. (I hate them and stopped them like the 8th yr of M long before the A)

5. Build new traditions that mean something for you and your family. We stopped going to everyone's home on Xmas day. It was too much and I hated dragging the kids everywhere when they should be home enjoying the day with their new gifts and toys. We actually started a tradition of a nap or reading time on Xmas day from noon to 2pm. We are a family of readers so getting books was often thing and taking that time to each of us have quiet time before more family time was helpful and we still do it.

It does get better I promise and honestly I have really healthy boundaries about the holidays now. My mother was insane in her demands of time family spent together and could not stand that we needed time to ourselves and with Hs family.
I also only decorate the way O want now. Not the whole freaking winter wonderland marthafuckingstewartextravaganza I did before lol.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19608   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8765630
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 Howcthappen (original poster new member #80775) posted at 11:10 PM on Thursday, November 17th, 2022

It sucks so bad. I just want to s watch his face and s ream to the top of my Lungs!

Three years since DdayNever gonna be the sameReconcilingThe sting is still present

posts: 20   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2022   ·   location: DC
id 8765631
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BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 12:28 AM on Friday, November 18th, 2022

I did once scream it out.

Had fWH drive me to a fairly remote location. Picked a good song to scream to. Suggested that fWH step out of the car and shut the door. And I primal screamed it out. Screamed myself hoarse. It really was cathartic.

The only down side was that it was the fall after the first big COVID lockdown, so was a bit self-conscious of my hoarse voice that lasted a few days. (I sounded sick and was worried people I worked with would think it was COVID, but also didn't want to explain that I made myself hoarse by screaming.)

I definitely agree that you simplify the holidays, ask more of your H to both support you and to help out during the holidays, and consider creating new, relaxing traditions. Do what cares for you!

"Don't you love it, don't you love it?No, I ain't happy yet.But I'm way less sad."[Credit to group AJR]

Me=BW; fWH=online affairs with 3 APs over 2.5-3 yrsBoth in IC & MCMarried 31 yrs now2 kids-both in HSAttempting R

posts: 291   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8765638
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:16 AM on Friday, November 18th, 2022

My H’s affair ruined our anniversary (25th anniversary during his affair), his birthday (50th during his affair), July 4th (dday1), thanksgiving, etc.

Good news is it’s been 9 years and it’s mostly faded memories snd I don’t let myself get bothered by it anymore.

Except the anniversary. That one is not 100% forgotten. But it is much better.

You will get there. It really just takes time.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12794   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8765639
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Hannah47 ( member #80116) posted at 11:05 AM on Friday, November 18th, 2022

Thankfully, there are reminder / trigger dates throughout the year, so I don’t have "a triggery season", that is, the whole year is one big tra-la-la time for me.
*sarcasm off*

Listen, it doesn’t really matter. That is, it doesn’t make a difference whether he was betraying you on Thanksgiving, July 4th, your birthday, his birthday, wedding anniversary, Valentine’s Day or any random Tuesday. Do you think it would be easier if he had spent that Thanksgiving with you, and the next day with her? Do you think it would be easier if he had lied to you to give her some random Wednesday to keep her happy? Guess what, it wouldn’t. He wasn’t supposed to spend 1 minute of his time betraying you. The sooner you focus on that, the sooner you’ll be able to stop focusing on certain dates / season. And that will be a huge step towards reclaiming those dates / season.

We tend to put significance on certain dates. I believe we do that for two reasons: 1. To magnify the wrongness of what they did ("How could you XYZ with her on MY birthday?"), 2. To lessen the wrongness of what they did ("Well, at least he spent Christmas with us, his family"). As if it is somehow better if they betray us on non-significant dates. However, every day is significant. You are supposed to be important every single day of the year, not just your birthday, Thanksgiving, or your wedding anniversary. Just because he didn’t spend Christmas with the AP, it doesn’t mean you and the family were more important. Because a week before that, while he was doing XYZ with the AP, you were not important.

What I’m trying to say is that we should adopt a holistic approach to the betrayal. What they did was wrong, and we were less important during the whole period of the betrayal. On what dates did certain instances of the betrayal happen is pretty much irrelevant. If we adopt such stance, it will be much easier to handle tough dates / seasons. They will be just a reminder, nothing else. Like Ladybugmaam said, do whatever makes you happy, the rest can just fuck off.

posts: 134   ·   registered: Mar. 21st, 2022
id 8765686
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 11:30 AM on Friday, November 18th, 2022

I think it is harder around holidays and certain events or days because they hold significance and special meaning.

Hopefully it fades into the background over time, especially if you Reconcile and are happy.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12794   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8765687
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 Howcthappen (original poster new member #80775) posted at 11:50 AM on Friday, November 18th, 2022

Hanah47
Thank you for your words. I didn’t think about it that way. Crazy thing is my husband said pretty much exactly what you said.

Three years since DdayNever gonna be the sameReconcilingThe sting is still present

posts: 20   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2022   ·   location: DC
id 8765690
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whatisloveanyway ( member #66450) posted at 2:00 PM on Friday, November 18th, 2022

I wish I had a tough season, but I have nine years of cheating with a MOW and periodic shopping for a new mistress. He and MOW share birthdays near Christmas and made a point to celebrate that together. I have discoveries that started in September, the Winter celebration trigger, a devastating April discovery, another in July, then January, plus my favorite, the emails to an Ashley Madison recruit on our 23rd Anniversary, both before and after our dinner date. I can't look at those pictures, which used to be my favorite of us.

I took so long with my Discovery, and the deceit ranged over a decade with multiple women and websites, so I pretty much live in tough season. It isn't easy.

Part of my strategy is reclaiming or rejecting things that bother me. They met a lot at our local pub chain, so that is off the list for good. I don't care to reclaim it as it was never my favorite anyway. They took a trip to a dream location for me together, and that is off the list too. Moving across the country took a lot of triggers off the table for me. I have reclaimed some dates and locations that are important to me, most importantly our Anniversary. I let him take me out to a nice dinner to honor the date for him, but it holds no meaning for me. I chose a new date to honor our four decades together, based on the day we met, not the day we married. I'm not sure our wedding date or vows will ever hold meaning for me again.

When I am in a particularly tough season, I talk about it, even though he hates talking about it. For the past couple of years, I have reached out to MOW with questions or insults around the most triggering events. I wouldn't recommend that approach, as it only caused me more pain to see her blatant narcissism, and to be hurt by more details of how close they were, or how they were in daily communication all those years.

I make sure that I get paid back in time focused on me and what I want to do as compensation for the time and attention he gave to her. I make certain that I spend more on myself than he spent on her. I am sure that this is not the most healthy approach, but it is what I do to make myself feel better.

The sting is still very present for me, and they never ended the A, I ended it by threatening her away, so my bitterness and sorrow run deep. I try very hard to focus on the time we have left, and making the most of that time by living my best life as best I can with him, and by focusing on our grown kids and the lives they are building. I take lots of walks and am trying new hobbies to distract myself from the reminders that are everywhere. I may never fully recover, but I strive to find ways to reclaim my life and live with grace and purpose.

Good luck reclaiming your happiness during what should be a time of celebration. I like the suggestion that any day could be the triggery day, it's not about the date but the betrayal. Don't let the betrayal rob you of a happy Thanksgiving.

BW: 62 WH: 62 Both 57 on Dday, M 35 years, 2 grown kids. WH had 9 year A with MOW, 7 month false R, multiple DDays, years of trickle truth.
I got rid of her with one email. Reconciling, but the lies have piled up. Trying one more time, again.

posts: 452   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2018   ·   location: Southeastern USA
id 8765701
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:00 PM on Friday, November 18th, 2022

It's pretty common for BSes who D or R for the date triggers to diminish in power as time goes on. Most members don't stick around a long time. Those who do often post that they 'forgot the start of A-season this year,' or something similar.

I remember d-day's date still, but it takes a moment to remember the year. For the last 6-7 years I figure out I'm in A-season only because another poster mentions it. I no longer remember the date on which W's A turned sexual.

When I do remember, what I hear in my head is something like, 'Oh, yeah. That happened on this date.'

You really can survive and thrive - and again, that's whether you D or R.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27878   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8765780
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 4:14 AM on Tuesday, November 22nd, 2022

Mine is new years. It's getting better.

I use that time to rethink things of the past year that need changing. It's no longer a celebration for me. Many of the holidays have a different feeling now. They are quieter, less exciting but also less stress and effort. I don't try to recreate the past. I try to be in the now or look forward.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2510   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8766240
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 12:42 PM on Tuesday, November 22nd, 2022

I’m sorry the holidays are a trigger. Thar would be flat awful.

My husband’s affair ran from January/February to July. Those are mostly minor holidays and events, and I’m now able to separate most of them from memories of the affair. The big one for me is our anniversary—I planned as romantic a 20th anniversary for us as could happen given that it was may of 2020 in the height of Covid and we were caring for a dying family member. The whole time he was talking to his affair partner, and he even took her a week later to the same outdoor place I had found for us to go on a hike and have a picnic lunch. Oh, and she gave him a blow job there. I’m feeling pretty good in recovery these days, but I don’t see our anniversary ever not being fraught and difficult for me. It’s just a non-event, and then we do something fun together in the summer. But we’ve only had two anniversaries since the affair, so maybe that will change?

Can you lean in to aspects of the holidays that don’t involve your husband, that are new and different and fun, and/or that predate the affair? I think it’s important to remake things that were special to you if you can. But it’s also ok and natural to be sad and angry.

[This message edited by Grieving at 12:43 PM, Tuesday, November 22nd]

Married for 20 years with two kids when my husband had a six month affair with a coworker. DD1: 6/2020. DD2: 7/3/2020. Reconciling

posts: 276   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8766254
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Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 5:30 PM on Tuesday, November 22nd, 2022

You aren't alone.

Last year was the first holiday season I felt festive since I found out about his LTA in 2017. I enjoyed it all. I no longer walked past the happy decorations and felt tears sting my eyes. I no longer said "fuck you" to the happy scenes. I no longer kept my head down and prayed all those couples holding hands wouldn't make eye contact in any way. I no longer felt the carols were mocking me. I no longer thought the lights would metaphorically strangle me.

I'd turned a corner, a bright and shiny corner, - or so I thought. Enter 2022. And I'm back to saying fuck it all. I don't want any parts of it. If I could hibernate until 2023 I'd gladly do so.

I'm going through the motions of faking it for now. But that isn't a long term solution. And I know it will eat me alive from the inside out. I do have an IC apt soon and will be unpacking all of this.

BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades - Children (1 still at home) Multiple DDays w/same AP until I told OBS 2018 Cease & Desist sent spring 2021"Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"

posts: 3575   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2017   ·   location: East coast
id 8766299
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 10:03 PM on Tuesday, November 22nd, 2022

I’m so sorry, Chaos. I hate this for all of you whose partners have ruined the holidays.

Married for 20 years with two kids when my husband had a six month affair with a coworker. DD1: 6/2020. DD2: 7/3/2020. Reconciling

posts: 276   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8766335
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