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Reconciliation :
Where were you at 18 months post DDay?

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 p12241342 (original poster member #79267) posted at 12:40 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

Im approaching 18 months post DDay on the 22nd November.

Who would have thought, we would have made it 18 months. At the time, it felt like our world together was ending and it did in a way. But fast forward 18 months and we are still together.

Are we good? Lets say we are OK (at times)

Have I had the truth? Lets say I believe not. But is that because her truth doesn't match what I believe happened in my head. So no matter whats said, I see as a lie.

Am I happy? Lets say things are different.

How did you feel at 18 months post Dday? What were your feelings? Were you still having second thoughts? Was you WW doing all the right things or did you feel they could still do more.

To me it feels like something is missing. It feels like no matter what I do it will never give here the feeling that she had in the affair. I just feel that we are not enough anymore and something big is missing.

I know everyone is different. But it would be good to compare my feelings to others at the same stage in the process.

I cant help feeling that I should be feeling different to how I'm feeling right now.

posts: 105   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2021
id 8765226
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RaggedyAnne ( member #78800) posted at 1:27 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

I am 17 months from dday and I would say I feel the same. For the most part things are good. He has not once shown any signs of his old self. He has continued IC and has been a completely different person during this time. Yet still I have moments that I look at him and feel a very strong sense of dislike for him and as you said, something is missing. That something affects how I feel about being intimate with him and committing myself and heart to him again. I have started to think that something will always be missing. Is it enough to make me end it? Probably not since there is a lot more good in our relationship and family from staying together and starting over in life to me seems more exhausting than dealing with that something that is missing.
Maybe in time that something will reappear but I am doubtful.

posts: 51   ·   registered: May. 15th, 2021
id 8765231
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 p12241342 (original poster member #79267) posted at 1:34 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

@RaggedyAnne

Thank you for your response. Im sorry you are going through this. I know exactly how you feel.

I thought things would have been better at this stage. But it feels like we are limping along and just making do.

I sent my wife a text stating that I think something is missing. She basically asked was I having doubts again? Just like you. Its not enough for me to leave. But something is missing. I said that she must feel it. She said, she doesn't feel different. But a lot has happened and changed. What does that even mean.

Im just lost. Im still in the whirlwind of emotions. They way I feel right now is that this is eating me up inside every single day. I dont want to leave, but I hate feeling the way I do right now.

If I'm feeling this way, what is she feeling. Because all I see is that here AP made her happy, they had a laugh and had fun. Where I'm here making her feel the way this whole mess is making us both feel.

I hope things work out for you and get better soon.

posts: 105   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2021
id 8765234
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ggcamp1975 ( new member #78491) posted at 2:44 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

We are a little over 2yrs past Dday and I can say the "something missing" feeling has began to subside.....IMO I think it came from me just waiting for the other shoe to drop, like at any minute I was waiting for another blow, another dday or just something. I talked that over in IC and my therapist agreed that the something missing feeling is common because I was/am on guard, my eyes are wide open and I was always just waiting to see any sign of WH's old behavior, waiting for the haha gotcha. I will say over the past couple of months that feeling for me has subsided. I am not sure if it is because I talked it out in IC or if it just is going away on it's own (highly doubt that laugh ) So I really have nothing to offer here other than support and to let you know you are not alone in feeling this way

BS - 45
WS - 47
married in 1996 met in 1992

posts: 24   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Southeast US
id 8765237
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 p12241342 (original poster member #79267) posted at 2:51 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

@ggcamp1975

Thank you for sharing.

Im glad you are now starting to feel better. It gives me some hope.

I just cant help thinking, I should be feeling somewhat better than I am. I know people move through the process at different paces. But it feels like something is missing and as time goes by that feeling gets stronger.

I think the feeling of missing for me is more to do with the fact that, I'm not making my wife happy. After all she cheated so how could she be happy?

I keep remembering her tell me how they had fun and a laugh and she was happy. She says she is happy with me just not the situation that she has put us in. But to me I just keep thinking, how can she possibly be happy with me and our relationship when she has given up something that made her happy and had a laugh doing.

Its that flatness, the feeling that I'm not enough and the paranoia about if its really me she wants or if she is making do.

Good look going forward but sounds like you guys are doing a great job.

posts: 105   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2021
id 8765238
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 3:03 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

But to me I just keep thinking, how can she possibly be happy with me and our relationship when she has given up something that made her happy and had a laugh doing.

This is a constant refrain from you. What are you actively doing to combat that reoccurring thought?

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 6167   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8765241
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 p12241342 (original poster member #79267) posted at 3:06 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

@ChamomileTea

It is. I completely agree and as you have commented on many of my posts in the past you will know I'm stuck.

My IC doesn't really help much and trying to find myself and do things on my own is just really hard.

Im just trying to see if at 18 months I should be feeling it more than I am

posts: 105   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2021
id 8765242
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 3:25 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

At 18 months I was still pretty much a wreck. In many ways, the second year is harder than the first. You're typically past the shock at that point and trying to make sense of your new reality.

ETA: I would keep working on that ruminative thought though. Try not to allow it to stand unanswered when it pops into your head. Instead, answer back with the facts you know, so that when that thought reoccurs, you aren't allowing it to stand as truth when it is demonstratively NOT. Your WW chose you. But even so, your happiness does not depend on her. Your happiness springs from within you, from what YOU bring to your life. That's the real truth.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 3:30 PM, Tuesday, November 15th]

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 6167   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8765245
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 p12241342 (original poster member #79267) posted at 3:37 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

@ChamomileTea

When did it start to get better for you?

posts: 105   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2021
id 8765249
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 4:00 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

That's hard to say. We don't know what we don't know until we know it, right? lol

What I didn't know was that my continued rumination was leading me into a pretty nasty depression. Despite my therapists guidance, I felt like I could somehow THINK my way out of the mess I'd found myself in. I was so sure that rumination was just a natural part of the process. It's ubiquitous after all. We all pretty much do it. It's how trauma works on us, I guess. And maybe there is a reason for it, but then we reach a tipping point, a point at which any possible good that might come from it is outweighed by the mind prison in which we've trapped ourselves.

Rumination is like a needle digging into a groove in a vinyl record. It keeps us stuck, and the longer we're stuck, the greater our risk of serious depression. My depression lasted for a couple of years, so I can't really speak to what's normal after its onset. Two years in, I was dealing with healing from the infidelity and also clinical depression where my neurotransmitters and whatnot were out of balance. The body truly does keep score.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 6167   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8765253
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Bandooked ( new member #81139) posted at 4:00 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

Is it enough to make me end it? Probably not since there is a lot more good in our relationship and family from staying together and starting over in life to me seems more exhausting than dealing with that something that is missing

.

Isn't that just great? The knowing that at the end of the day, you are staying because the alternative is just a huge, exhausting mess? That really sucks that he did that to your relationship. I want my W to realize how terrible that feels inside for me, but I also don't want her to suffer more than she has. I want a companion in my misery, but what good does that do for us? It really sucks to feel so alone when you are with the person you chose to spend your life with. Hope you find some comfort and enjoyment again. I've had it come and go. It's just so hard to hold on to.

posts: 9   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2022
id 8765254
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ggcamp1975 ( new member #78491) posted at 4:16 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

At 18 months I was still pretty much a wreck. In many ways, the second year is harder than the first. You're typically past the shock at that point and trying to make sense of your new reality.

This!!!!! While I had read so many post saying this I can still say when we hit the 2yr mark of dday I was shocked that I had so much anger and rage come up, in a way it felt like dday all over again. I had it in my head that year 2 would surely be leaps and bounds better than dday itself but boy was I wrong. With the help of my IC I can say I am working through my anger issues (don't you love how trauma brings up past trauma duh ) What has helped me the most is the work I did on myself, no longer will I accept something at face value - if it doesn't feel right in the gut I question and boy do I question. I can say the more work I have done on me to become a stronger person with clear boundaries (personal life and work life) the better I feel. After dday I went into protect the marriage mode, then I found SI and really started working on myself which has been the most rewarding smile

BS - 45
WS - 47
married in 1996 met in 1992

posts: 24   ·   registered: Mar. 11th, 2021   ·   location: Southeast US
id 8765259
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 p12241342 (original poster member #79267) posted at 4:23 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

@ggcamp1975

Thats the thing. I really don't know how to work on myself.

You said about trusting your gut. Most of what my wife says I don't believe. I have this feeling in my gut. But i still give her the benefit of the doubt and try and move on. I suppose may be you would call it rug sweeping. But the fact that she has remained consistant may show that she is trying to make amends.

I just don't know how to better myself. I hear everyone talking about it on SI but i just dont know how. I suppose that makes me sound weak and open to be hurt again.

But I'm nothing if not honest

posts: 105   ·   registered: Aug. 11th, 2021
id 8765261
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Darkness Falls ( member #27879) posted at 7:37 PM on Tuesday, November 15th, 2022

Most of what my wife says I don't believe. I have this feeling in my gut.

What can she do to help you believe her?

As you have said you believe she is remorseful and you have said you see her trying and doing the work, do you think it’s possible that eventually you might need to actively choose to believe her?

What is your plan if you decide to continue not believing her but the "gotcha!" moment you seem to be waiting for never occurs? Are you comfortable wasting years of both your and her life waiting (possibly in vain) for your mistrust to be proven right?

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 7:47 PM, Tuesday, November 15th]

WS - remarried to BH but not in R

D-day 2010

posts: 6412   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2010   ·   location: USA
id 8765285
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Dude67 ( member #75700) posted at 12:59 AM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

You’re steady eddy, good guy, good husband, good father. AP represented the best roller coaster in the world. Your WW rode the roller coaster snd now wants to be back with you.

So yes, she had a better time with AP than you. Of course she did. How could she not? There were no bills to pay, children to deal with, schedules to sort out, chores to figure out, etc. AP was pure fantasy land.

To heal yourself, you must reconcile the fact that she had an A and she had more fun with AP than with you during that time.

If you can’t reconcile this fact, then I think D is your only option. If you can come to acceptance that AP was more fun than being with you during her A, than I think you can hopefully move forward. For you, I think it’s acceptance of what you know to be fact snd the truth which is holding you back from your healing.

posts: 568   ·   registered: Oct. 21st, 2020
id 8765343
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Luna10 ( member #60888) posted at 9:35 AM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

Because all I see is that here AP made her happy, they had a laugh and had fun. Where I'm here making her feel the way this whole mess is making us both feel.

This is a reoccurring theme in your posts. I know that feeling well. It isn’t wrong to believe the AP made them happy, they laughed and had fun. Of course they did. But that doesn’t mean that you as a couple cannot be happy, laugh and have fun.

The affair fun is very superficial but very addictive. It’s the type of fun that involves no responsibility and requires a level of silliness witnessed in teenagers. In fact my WH told me he felt like he was in high school again.

It’s very easy to maintain a level of comparison with the AP. They were fun, irreverent, silly, I am just a bore who constantly reminds WS that life includes responsibilities and I don’t laugh at every little stupid joke he makes (that I may have also heard several times before).

Now remind yourself that your spouse did choose to remain married for whatever reason and put that comparison to bed. The reason does not matter anymore, both spouses did a balanced sheet and decided remaining married is more suitable. Start thinking what type of marriage do you want?

Listen, when my WS told me that the AP made him laugh, made him feel like in high school again, listening to every word he said, he put a dagger through my heart.

Months later though, after analysing the affair and our marriage to death, after watching my WH waking up from his fantasy world and feeling embarrassed and frankly depressed about what he became, I decided to rebuild our marriage (in collaboration with WH of course) the way I wanted it to look like.

I can guarantee you I am having a lot of fun. I laugh, I am happy because I don’t really accept certain behaviours/compromise for the sake of keeping the peace. WH seems to be happy and having a lot of fun too. He says so. But he’s not my primary concern. I wasn’t brought into this world as entertainment provider for WH. It isn’t my responsibility to ensure WH is happy and having fun in the same way as it isn’t his responsibility to read my mind and make me happy. I don’t remember WH wondering if HE made me happy and I was having fun during his A. Together we can decide what makes us both happy of course, together we are having all this fun and are responsible for all this marriage happiness that now, looking back to the stories I know about his affair, if I was to compare, I’d literally roll on the floor laughing.

Bottom line, stop comparing an affair with real life. If your wife cannot identify the difference between the two, 18 months later, then that’s on her. Focus on yourself. Ask yourself what do you want your life to look like? What makes you happy, what makes you fun? I can guarantee you that once YOU are happy and having fun you’ll realise how insignificant the affair "fun" was in comparison.

To answer your specific question: at 18 months out I was still a wreck. Not as bad as the initial shock but questioning every piece of my life. I did stop digging by then as I was pretty much satisfied that the story I had was very close to the truth and all the puzzle pieces fitted together.

Dday - 27th September 2017

posts: 1596   ·   registered: Oct. 2nd, 2017   ·   location: Europe
id 8765357
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 10:57 AM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

I was still a mess at 18 months out. I mean, I was functional, but much of the time I still felt devastated, or just flat. Even at the two year mark things were still pretty difficult.

Now, at almost 2.5 years out, I feel like I’ve turned a bit of a corner and things are better.

Married for 20 years with two kids when my husband had a six month affair with a coworker. DD1: 6/2020. DD2: 7/3/2020. Reconciling

posts: 276   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8765362
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annb ( member #22386) posted at 11:51 AM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

At 18 months I was a complete disaster.

The reality of my WH actions had truly sunk in, and I was functioning for the sake of my children but inside I was living in hell.
With the exception of being trickle truthed to death, my WH did everything right:

Dumped OW on D Day

Gave me access to his phone, work emails and voicemails.

Stopped all socializing on the job.

Found a new job since OW was a co-worker who worked at a site across the country.

Accountable for his whereabouts at all times.

Never, ever had a one-on-one meeting with any female colleague again.

Quit the sport he had been active in since he was just a boy.

Despite all of this, my trust was gone and I knew he wasn't being completely honest with me when I asked him questions. He didn't want to hurt me so he put me through more hell. barf

posts: 11668   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8765370
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:43 PM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

I’m 9 years out now. All good.

But at 18 months from dday2 I was very up and down. I was waiting for him to fix it (which he was doing) but I neglected to heal myself.

Once I realized I had to do just as much work, things changed and rapidly.

Wish I had figured that out sooner.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12792   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8765379
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dontlookbackinanger ( new member #82406) posted at 1:00 PM on Thursday, November 17th, 2022

I could have written this original post. This is exactly where I am with my WW. Guess that’s not much help other than I know where you’re at. SIGH.

posts: 1   ·   registered: Nov. 17th, 2022   ·   location: USA
id 8765553
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