Newest Member: BallofAnxiety


BS - 45 WS - 47 married in 1996 met in 1992

One year later.......

One year from Dday is in exactly 2 weeks from today and honestly I don’t know how I feel right now. Brief summary – WH had an online/sexting affair with a total stranger, no names were ever exchanged, no pictures of faces, it was purely sexual. This month is full of painful triggers and memories, every day that passes in September all this crap pops in my head, like well a year ago this is why he was acting like X or a year ago I was so clueless and thought we were solid and happy. This roller-coaster of emotions is almost as bad as Dday.

WH has been a model for R and really without that I fear I would be in much worse shape than I am right now. He has taken that ever so damning Friday off of work and has made plans for us to spend the day together, he said he wants this day to no longer be a day of doom for me, which for me is exactly what I need. I have said over and over during the past year that I need to "replace" the horrible experiences during the A with new positive ones. I know that it not how everyone works but for me this has been the best way to cope? Deal? Come to terms? Shit I don’t even know what you call it, I just know for me it has made it a little bit better if that is even possible.

My question to those that have passed this mark is how did you handle the overwhelming emotions that just won’t stop coming up? Like I have these moments where the emotions are so strong that I spew just the most evil things at WH and literally while I am saying them in my head I am thinking this is not what I want to say, this is not how I really feel but the beast inside just needs to let it out. I have gone over this so many times in IC and of course I am reassured that this is totally normal and WH handles it like a champ. When I get to spewing he apologizes for doing this to us and to me, he holds me when I need it, he lets me just go off like a crazy person because he knows this is happening because of his actions. Knowing all of that I still feel like a horrible person for the things I say, messed up thinking but I really do.
Thanks to all that took the time to read my ramblings and any advice on the upcoming Dday 1 year mark would be great!

6 comments posted: Friday, September 24th, 2021

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