SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

It was nine months ago today I found out what she was up to. If you're interested, here's my thread from that day.
https://survivinginfidelity.com/forums/?tid=655806&HL=71871
It wasn't her first time cheating on me, but it is now her last.

After nine months of limbo, basically living like roommates in the house and only communicating when we had to handle kid logistics or business of the house matters, we have both lawyered up. She beat me doing this by a few days, so her guy got the paperwork in first, and it will go down in the books as her call. That's ok by me. She's reading out of the cheaters playbook and placing all the blame on me, so when nothing changes for her after its done she'll finally have to realize that she may actually have been the one who fucked up.

The time has been good to me as well, I am in a very good headspace. I'm not feeling any grief over this, I've done that already. If anything, I'm eager for the process to play out so I can have my new beginning.

I never would have thought I would have gotten to this place all those months ago. For anyone else who's in the process, if I can get there, you can too. Take care of yourself. Get help, rely on others. Be good to yourself, and realize you are MIGHTY!!

Glad you're in a good headspace. Life on the other side is great.

Happy to hear you are healing and moving forward. Just be forewarned that every now and then a wave of grief might sneak up— and that is okay. You just process it and move on, and it takes less and less time to do that as you continue to move forward.

The feeling of peace when you are no longer living under the unseen stress and anxiety living with a cheater, where every cell in your body feels under attack, is amazing. Yes you can still be sad about what happened, but your body and mind will start to relax and you will realize what a pressure cooker you had been living in.

Keep taking care of yourself and congratulations on getting out of infidelity!

I do get a feeling of a sense of loss - more of a sense of loss of what could have been. But it does tend to go away fairly quickly, esp when I remember how much she sucks.

Anyway, I was served on Nov 11, and on the 15th my lawyer sent hers a settlement proposal.

Since then - crickets. My lawyer even sent a letter to hers asking for some sort of response. We'll see where

that goes.

[This message edited by wantnomore at 6:21 PM, Thursday, December 15th]

Yes, that feeling will still creep up on me every once in awhile. The feeling doesn't stay as long as it used to. I let myself feel the feels because it was a sense of loss for what I'd planned my life to be.

In reality, I'm so much better off that I was with him. I am so much happier. It does get better & it's ok to think about the might have beens.

I do get a feeling of a sense of loss - more of a sense of loss of what could have been. But it does tend to go away fairly quickly, esp when I remember how much she sucks.

This needs to be the D/S forum official tag line.

Congrats on getting out of infidelity, wantnomore. Hoping for a quick resolution for you.

Her beating you to the lawyer punch is not a bad thing Wantnomore. My lawyers advice was to let the WW file first. The person who files also has to put up all their financial information first, and they are also the first person to get questioned on the stand and has to be the first person to respond to anything. So by letting her go first, you get to see her cards. This was the advice of my attorney, so we waiting for my WW to file. SHe can spin whatever story she wants, but there are advantages for not being the person who files.

Now, let that shit get done so that you have the monkey off your back. Life is better on the otherside.

Thank you all for your support! This forum has been a tremendous resource of strength.

My lawyer said he likes to be the one to go first and set the table, so to speak. So we put together the settlement offer. Since I'm the person who does the family finances, I have a good handle on the numbers and such. He did say that her filing first helps us in a couple of ways, but I won't go into that at this point.

Now, let that shit get done so that you have the monkey off your back. Life is better on the otherside.

This.

Oh so very much this.

I’m sorry it ends this way but R least your Re prepared for it.

I hope the process is over quickly for you.

Start the new year with a fresh start.

Thank you. I would have liked to try and work it out, but it takes two to do that.

My life is going to change in dramatic ways. I put in for retirement last December, it becomes official in June. So I’ll be retired (but I’ll have to find something else) and divorced and in a new job and a new living situation.

So a quick update, not really much to say except this -

my lawyer sent her a settlement offer on November 15.

Her response

[cue crickets]

She was so fired up to get this done, and yet she hasn't been able to get her shit together to send a response to my offer.
I know she's trying to buy me out of the house, but there's really no way in hell she's got the income to do that (and I think she's finding out a lot about how good I was at keeping our financial house in order) so we'll have to sell once she comes to that realization.

This is all on her. My lawyer says that when I get tired of waiting I can have him book a court date and that will force her a bit, but I need to clarify with him what the downside to doing something like that might be. I don't want to turn this into a shitshow any more than it already is.

My advice, since you haven't heard anything in over two months (plenty of time for her to respond), book the court date. Where I live, you must book months in advance. Might as well get your slot. She could drag her feet indefinitely to avoid the consequences of her actions. You are in control of your life.

Good luck. I of all people am familiar with the shit show of divorce. If you do end up in court, a member here described it to me as a series of labor pains with a fantastic payoff at the end... Getting out of infidelity and free to live your life!

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 3:54 PM, Wednesday, January 25th]

I agree with WTB. I'd go ahead & schedule. If she does nothing, than your paperwork is the default. Plus, it does take time to get on the docket. For me, I felt grief when I filed, so be sure to give yourself grace during this period. Life on the other side is so much better!

About the blame shifting…

Years ago when I was a rookie cop I used to get all worked up and angry with all the people calling me a pig, fascist, bully or whatever. The people that insisted I was THEIR servant, they paid my wages and all that crap. Once when getting an aggravated drunk into a holding cell my experienced mentor noticed how I responded and took me aside. He told me "Remember Bigger – at the end of the day you are going home to a nice bed. That guy will wake up on a concrete slab with an immense hangover"

I suggest you apply that logic to the blame-shifting. You guys are divorcing. It’s not as if you will continue to be in the same social groups, same places, same home… She can tell anyone that really wants to hear it that you are a real dickhead or whatever and it won’t affect you. Some of the "friends" will become her friends and maybe listen to her and nod their heads. Some of the friends will become your friends and won’t be interacting with her much anyways. In both groups – I doubt more than 1-2 will really listen and believe the "he’s soooooo bad" stories.
So ignore them. You don’t have to defend your actions to people that have no business in this fight. You can’t prevent her spreading vile (short of slander). Ignore it. Don’t take part.
Remember – once this is over your conscience will be sleeping in a nice warm bed, while hers will be tumbling and turning on some concrete slab.

Bump by request

Thanks for the bump!

I wanted to "update" this thread with all the news and changes that have taken place since my last post on Jan 25.

.

I know, impressive, right?

She's decided to drag it out I guess. Personally I think she's scared shitless. I spoke to my lawyer about a month ago about something and he asked me if I knew why she was delaying and I had to tell him I did not.

He told me he spoke to her lawyer and he asked my guy what the hold up was. My lawyer decided to fuck with him a bit and told him we were trying to reconcile. He got back to my lawyer and told him "that's not what she says." I can just imagine how her head must have exploded when her lawyer told her what mine said! Delicious!! AND I looked at my billing, and there is only one convo with her lawyer on it, so he didn't charge me for her lawyers follow up call. Which I thought was cool, since he was screwing with the guy in the first place.

I guess I should mention that in early February, about a week after my last posting here, we received a letter from her lawyer addressing a specific issue that they had spoken about. Additionally, he said that she was currently in the process of speaking to a financial consultant and various lenders about seeing if she can make buying me out of the house work for her (narrator: She can't"). He also asked me to consider giving her three years to secure funding for the house. So I considered it. I considered it ridiculous and my lawyer basically said no fucking way. But that is the sum total of formal communication from her side. I know the lawyers have spoken a few times but the gist of it is that it is of no real consequence.

There is a plan, though, and I'd rather not go into detail just yet. But basically the delay isn't a problem for me.

I’m sorry your WW is deciding to drag out the D process. It sounded in January like she was eager to get out of ten months of limbo and move forward with the D. I have read your posts and my guess is your WW is dragging her feet as she bumps into her own failings. I doubt that her AP is still an option for her after all this time, but it’s possible I guess. Your last Dday was in February 2022 when you confronted her and the AP in a parked car after you had exposed to the OBS. Then limbo. Your description of your WW is a rather immature person with false pride and an over-inflated sense of self importance. What she is dealing with now after D is facing the financial reality of divorced life. And she drags her feet.

This is the person who blamed her A on your failure to clean up your crumbs from an Everything Bagel. You failed to make sure she got a college degree. You failed….blah, blah, blah. Now she is facing stark realities of her own making. Her pride just won’t let her admit it. Not your problem though. I hope your plan will get her moving toward D. I think she will drag this out as long as possible. Good luck.

Thanks for the update. It sounds like you're in a good headspace, which is great. Sorry that she's dragging her feet.

Your description of your WW is a rather immature person with false pride and an over-inflated sense of self importance. What she is dealing with now after D is facing the financial reality of divorced life.

Wait, you know her?

But seriously - spot on assessment. I think she’s only starting to realize what she is in for.