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This whole incident happened about 1 month ago, and I am still quite rattled by the whole thing. I've spoken to a counselor and a few close friends, but really value the advice and opinion of third parties.

My girlfriend of 3 years - up until this incident - has been an extremely loyal and supportive woman. I love her very much and we have been living together for the past 2 years. One of her self-admitted issues is that she sometimes can have a tendency to over-drink when she is sad, depressed, or anxious. I have always been aware of it, but to be honest, probably never took it seriously enough until this incident.

Here is what happened:

She was out of town for a week for a sporting competition that she was apart of. We talked on the phone every day and things were good. No fights, no issues, nothing out of the usual. She ended up performing very poorly in the competition and understandably was super upset. She called me in tears afterwards. The next night there was a big wrap-up party in town. She told me she was going, and that she was meeting up with a group of girls for pre-drinking before hand - I told her great! Have fun and be safe.

The day after the party, I went to pick her up. As soon as I arrived I knew something was wrong. She told me "I got really drunk last night" - which immediately concerned me. After the drive home, I asked her - did anything happen last night? She sat down and started to cry. She said something bad had happened. She said this guy had Kissed her. I was obviously upset, and was asking for more details - where did it happen? Who was there? How long was it? She genuinely did not have these answers. She had blacked out much of the evening. It seems like an excuse to some, but I know my GF and I've seen her black out before, and I fully believe that she doesn't remember all the details. I told her she needed to call the guy and find out what had happened because the not knowing would drive me crazy.

The next day she called the guy and got all the details. It turns out it was worse than she rememberd. Apparently they walked home from the party together (they were staying in the same area) and she ended up in his house. The way he put it "they hooked up on the couch" - then had a moment of clarity and said - "I can't be here, I have to go" and left his house and walked home. She didn't remember any of this. All she remembered was him leaning in for a kiss. So she told me this update and I was crushed. I broke up with her. It was awful, she was crying and telling me it was the biggest mistake of her life and she doesn't understand herself how it could have happened.

Back story here - the other "guy" in this situation is someone she trusted, a friend she has had through work for about 7 years. They no longer work together, but they kept in touch from time to time in a friendly way. I was always concerned with his intentions, but my GF never hid their communications from me or anything like that so I was always OK with it. I think this is why she eneded up walking home with him - she trusted him - and he was probably flirting with her and making her feel good about herself when she was in a very drunk and depressed state. I still will never know or understand how she ended up in his house, on his couch, and that really hurts.

We had been broken up for about 5 days - she went to her mothers house for the time being. We connected regularly and she expressed deep regret, remorse, and ownership of her actions. She also fully admitted her problem with alcohol and expressed true desire to change for the better. I was starting to entertain the idea of forgiveness, but was still very hurt, angry, and betrayed.

THEN the next day I literally almost run into the other GUY. It was as if the universe wanted me to talk to him. I really feel that way because he lives in a different city and the odds of us running into each other where we did was really low. I had a mini panic attack and then approached him and said we need to talk. I told him I was very upset and that my GF couldnt remember everything and I wanted to know what had happened. He told me everything. There was nothing pre-planned or pre-meditated. He told me about the phone call he had with her where she told him she couldnt remember anything and he felt really awful about what had happened. I could see by the look on his face he realized he had done something wrong. I asked him directly - Did you have sex with her? and he said NO. I asked him again - are you sure you didn't have sex with her? He said NO - then he said - we made out on the couch, I had my hands down her pants, I had a put a condom on, but it never got to that point. She apparently said "I can't be here, I have to go" and left. This conversation changed my whole perspective on what had happened. It really sounds like this man was taking advantage of her in a drunken state - and although my GF is also guilty - she no longer held 100% of the blame in my head. If my GF was consenting to sex there would have been no condom (she has an IUD), and they would have been in the bedroom, not on a couch. This made me realize that there was no conversation had - no consent given. Yes, she made a mistake, yes she kissed him, but everything past that sounded more like it was happening to her, then her participating in it.

I also spoke to a couple of her friends that were at the pre-drink with her. They both confirmed that she was really drunk and that this guy was acting very flirtatious and "sketchy" towards her. I was upset that her friends didn't look out for her given the circumstances.

In light of all this information I decided I owe this woman another chance. I went to see her. I told her about the conversation I had with the guy and she broke down crying. She was so relieved to know that they had not had sex. I couldn't imagine what that would feel like - to know you hooked up with someone, but not know what had happened to your body or how far it went. She was genuine. She made a vow to change for the better - she promised me that she would embrace sobriety, make a serious change with her drinking for once and for all. She also started seeing a counselor to work through her insecurities, depression, and relationship with alcohol. So I took her back.

We have now been back living together for 3 weeks. She hasn't had a drop of alcohol and I do see a true change in her. That said, I am plagued by replaying that evening over and over again in my head and over analyzing everything. We talked about it lots, but sometimes she gets really down when we talk about it because of how ashamed and guilty she feels about it.

Do you think I made a mistake giving this woman another chance? Do you think in time I will forget about that evening and feel normal again? Is it a good or bad idea to keep talking about that evening?

<3

[This message restored by Webmaster at 12:50 PM, Friday, November 11th]

[This message restored by Webmaster at 8:30 AM, Tuesday, November 15th]

[This message edited by dasher94 at 6:30 AM, Tuesday, November 15th]

Considering everything you've written, I think this was sexual assault. She was too drunk to give consent. He wasn't so drunk that he didn't think about putting on a condom. Her friends said he was flirting and acting "sketchy."

I don't think you are wrong to take her back. I think her mistake was getting that drunk. He sexually assaulted her.

Had she not been that drunk, would it have happened? Probably not. Regardless, a man doesn't have the right to sexually assault a woman because she's drunk.

It sounds like this was a wake up call. She's stopped drinking. She needs to continue to get help to stay sober,and therapy for her depression. Making these two things a requirement to stay in a relationship with her is a good idea,for both of you.

And she needs to drop the friends who let her go off,extremely drunk,with a man who was acting sketchy towards her.

She's not a cheater. She's a victim.
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[This message edited by HellFire at 3:50 PM, Thursday, November 10th]

Hi Dasher94.

Even under these circumstances, you can't believe how lucky you are. Just look at the facts : your GF made a mistake, a one night mistake, with no feelings whatsoever, she finally didn't have sex (and this is very important, it means that even drunk she has respect for your relationship). And last, she confessed ! Yes, you can consider yourself VERY lucky in this situation.

A lot of cheaters (my WS included) don't confess and continue for months, years until they eventually get caught red handed, they develop feelings and have lots of unprotected sex. This isn't your GF's case, she confessed, she didn't even go through, and this didn't last for ages.

The alcohol addiction can be a problem to monitor, but your girl is a great candidate for reconciliation, obviously !

[This message edited by iamjack at 3:51 PM, Thursday, November 10th]

Drinking just let's you lose your inhibitions. If she were not an adulteress, she would not be one when drunk.

In vinum veritas. She is her true self when drunk.

Do you want who she really is? That's up to you.

[This message edited by DictumVeritas at 3:51 PM, Thursday, November 10th]

I don’t think you made a mistake.

She admitted what happened. She doesn’t remember details but was distraught at what she did remember.

She deserves a second chance with you.

I hope you can forgive her and reconcile and be happy together.

Relationships CAN be reconciled and recovered. I'm in R myself for the past seven years. It's doable.

Here's the thing though, both people have to really be on board. Yes, it takes time to heal and to make real and lasting changes, so sometimes you might find yourself reinvesting only to later realize that the infidelity was a deal-breaker. There's a yuck factor to dealing with your partner having been on intimate terms with another person. Some people can't get past that. They feel like their partner is dirty and can't ever be clean again. That "used goods" feeling isn't necessarily just about the physical aspects either, it can be mental, like that person is just never going to be worthy of devotion again.

So, it depends. There's no right or wrong answer. We all muddle through as best we can, particularly in the beginning. I do think the most important thing at this stage is self-care, to really, really prioritize caring for your body and your emotional self. It helps to let the cheating be about the cheater and to not internalize the WS's failings, which most of us have a super strong tendency to do.

Here's the deal, reconciliation without a firm action plan to avoid future betrayals rarely works. Your girlfriend was not any kind of participant (consenting/willing, etc.) in the sexual assault. What happened was a indirect result of two issues that have been on the back burner and really do need to be addressed.

The first is her relationship with alcohol. Abstaining for 3 weeks is no big deal. Unless she gets to the bottom of her drinking, her near miss will fade and she'll put herself in another damaging situation. She needs a plan and support to see it through.

The second issue is her loose boundaries with this friend. He has wanted her for a long time and she didn't take it seriously. She allowed his advances right up until the point of no return. She may have boundary issues with others that she had ignored, she need to work that.

You also need to think about how you see her now and the implications for trust between you. You don't want to be anxious the next time she goes to an event without you. Nor do you want any more after the fact confessions. What can the two of you do to repair the breach in trust? That's not a matter of a single heartfelt discussion, nor can you be constantly talking about trust. What kind of actions can help you now that neither of you can take trust for granted?

Suggestion: Eight Great Dates...read and execute.

Not to minimize your pain, but the real issue hear is the alcohol. Poor choices often lead to more poor choices.

From what you have described, she sounds on the right path. But I do think that she would benefit more than 'white-knuckling' her drinking issues. No one should drink to blackout drunk.....especially multiple times. You both sound young(ish), and alcoholism can take its good-ole time setting roots in a person. Ask me how I know.....

As for your pain, it sucks. There is a HUGE consolation in how far things actually transpired, but you aren't feeling this, nor should you. You were betrayed, not so much by her sexual actions(although that is what hurts), but by the choices she made that put her in a vulnerable place. Plus, she wasn't shutting the friend down at the first acts of inappropriateness, which should have been done before she got too drunk. And if he didn't start hitting on her until after she was too drunk, then yes, it is sexual assault. But, she still chose to drink to excess, which often times lead to bad things. There is a big difference between a one-off time of drinking until blackness versus doing so on multiple occasions. It would be wise for her to address these issues before something worse potentially happens.

A lot of assumptions are being made here and I disagree that this had to be a case of "sexual assault" and that "consent" was not given, we simply don't know that, what we do know is that she allowed all the flirting before she even agreed to walk to his house.

If my GF was consenting to sex there would have been no condom (she has an IUD), and they would have been in the bedroom, not on a couch. This made me realize that there was no conversation had - no consent given. Yes, she made a mistake, yes she kissed him, but everything past that sounded more like it was happening to her, then her participating in it.

Not necessarily brother, HE might have been the one who decided to use a condom to protect himself from an STD or unwanted pregnancy (he may be unaware of her IUD), and as far as "they would have been in the bedroom" if consent was given, well again not necessarily, very often a make out session on the couch leads to sex right then and there especially if alcohol is involved, other times sex in the bedroom is preceded by a make out session in the couch or elsewhere in the house.

I agree that this was not planned by her, but at some point she allowed it to happen and take it as far as it went, she wasn't drunk enough not to say "I can't be here, I have to go", just because she didn't remember the whole thing the next day, doesn't mean she was not conscious enough to let it go as far as it went while it was happening, was alcohol a factor ? probably and likely but doesn't excuse her poor boundaries and choices, lots of women get drunk and don't allow flirting or advances from people, let alone walk to their homes, the fact is she should have shot him down the second he started flirting with her, she didn't.

Infidelity and poor boundaries aside, because of her alcohol problem, I would suggest you cut her loose, but if you want to give her another chance (you already took her back) I suggest you demand she gets tested for STDs/STIs (some could be transmitted via saliva/kissing) and gets help with her alcohol problem, OTOH recovery from infidelity takes years if it's even possible, for some it's an instant deal-breaker, others ultimately realize it was years down the road.

Sorry you find yourself here.

Someone else mentioned you two might be young. You did not mention your ages. My reason for bringing this up is that she did not act as a mature adult would act. She got so upset by losing the competition that she got blackout drunk. A mature adult would congratulate the winner(s) and make a promise to themselves to do better next time. Not get blackout drunk.

Having loose or no boundaries is a major problem. She might be so young and unworldly that she is too naive to understand that everyone around her does not have the best intentions toward her.

You mentioned that you have been partners for 3 years and living together for 2 years. Is there a marriage on the horizon? If so, this whole mess needs to be viewed from 30,000 feet above, when thinking about going down that road and having kids together, joint assets, etc. She has already shown she has character flaws. Can she sufficiently correct them before you two get more intertwined?

I wish both you and her the very best and hope everything works out for you two.

Not married, no kids, and shes a cheater and abuses alcohol???

Brother, I say this with complete honesty. Life is short, find someone that is better. There are plenty of them out there. Doesn't matter if she is sorry, there already is too much baggage before marriage. Things only get worst, not better.

I believe you are young, so give it some time and get back out there. Plenty of great women out there for you. I would not spend any more time on this.

This sat odd with me..."I had my hands down her pants, I had a put a condom on, but it never got to that point"

Generally by the time a man has achieved an erection and gotten a condom on....there's usually been some touching by the woman. yes we'll hear that lots of men have their penis out, and erect, with a condom on without a woman so much as touching it to help out, and still have her pants on with only his hands having been in there.

Not trying to throw any cold water on this.....but, that would never fly in my world. As for being on the couch? I've had many a dates that ended up there without the bedroom having been reached. And honestly, theres a good chance they just matched up stories.

I'm not trying to stir this up for you, but you may wish to process this a bit more. And her having a IUD has nothing to do with him wearing a condom.

Just playing devils advocate here.

[This message edited by LegsWideShut at 6:39 PM, Thursday, November 10th]

For the people asking about our ages, I am 28, and she is 30. Although most would agree she is a young soul, and I am an older soul

Brother this is very similar to my WW’s situation. She was at a conference drinking at the hotel bar, she got extremely drunk and party moved upstairs to a man’s room. Her "friends" left her in the room alone with a man after she passed out.

When she woke up he was on top of her kissing her, she jumped up and stopped him. No sexual contact happened but he was trying to remove her clothes. She did not tell me about it until after Dday, eventually going down the slippery slope into other affairs.

My wife insisted it wasn’t an assault because she went to his room, and because he stopped as soon as she told him to. In my opinion she got drunk and willing went to his room after flirting with him. I put this on her and consider it a ONS.

I believe your GF was assaulted she told you about it right away. She needs to tighten up her boundaries and absolutely lose those friends that didn’t have her back. My W has zero contact with the friend that left her in that room, these "friends" are no good.

I agree. There are a lot of assumptions being made here. Including that an extremely intoxicated woman is capable of giving consent. Heck,even those who aren't arguing the fact that she was extremely intoxicated still go on to say she cheated.

She made a lot of bad choices. She allowed a man to flirt with her,and she got extremely intoxicated. That doesn't give a man permission to touch her. Ever.

And honestly, theres a good chance they just matched up stories.

I appreciate you playing devil's advocate, as hard as it is for me to hear. But I know they didn't match up stories. I've seen all the correspondence they've had. I only ran into the guy by chance, neither me, my GF or this other guy knew that conversation would happen. It was really a serendipitous run-in that he definitely didn't expect. And yes, the guy could have lied to my face about what happened, but my gut tells me he was telling me the truth, and the story he told me was the same story he told my GF a few days prior.

Im very glad thats the case.

Ok, I too had a GF who had "challenges with alcohol". I would not call her an alcoholic, but then I would be in denial. I would not call her the typical or text book alcoholic, but then I would still be in denial. I preferred to refer to her as a Problem Drinker rather than an Alcoholic, but that’s denial too. I would say there are many degrees of alcoholism, that she was definitely on the VERY functional, benign end of the spectrum, but then I would still be in denial and greatly minimizing because…

Her drinking problem, although not the classic alcoholic, no DTs, no covert drinking, no cravings, can easily go months without a drink…

her only problem with drinking was manifest by the incredible destruction it did to our relationship.

That’s one of the text book definitions of alcoholism. Is it harming your relationships?

Another determination of alcoholism is: Do you get "Blackout Drunk, put yourself in dangerous or compromising situations when you drink?"

My GF was fantastic, solid, incredibly devoted, loyal, firm boundaries, loving, intelligent, introspective, empathetic, good common sense, secure -not flirtatious at all, gorgeous. Guys would hit on her frequently and she managed that impressively well except, when she began to drink. All those admirable characteristics would immediately begin to wane after the first drink,

and she would turn into someone totally different and ANYTHING was possible. My very loyal, deeply in love, devoted GF would become completely untrustworthy. Nothing was off the table.

My GF also "had a tendency to over-drink when she was depressed or anxious". She argued she only has a problem with alcohol when she has something bad on her mind.

And then she would minimize her drinking problem, try to bargain with me, convince me, that she can control her drinking, that she would never drink again if she’s ever in a bad frame of mind.

Thing is, she’s ALWAYS subconsciously in a bad frame of mind, always has something bad, deep down in the recesses of her mind that predisposes her to problem drinking. Everything from past unresolved traumas, childhood trauma, latent insecurities, trauma from an abusive relationship, and then subsequently, trauma from placing herself in compromising situations from her history of problem drinking-a vicious cycle. Even with good IC, a residue of trauma will always be there and drinking fleshes it out, dredges it up and exacerbates it.

To reconcile, your GF is going to have to stop drinking-completely. She can’t "handle her drinking". For whatever reasons, there are predisposing factors that contribute to her inability to handle her drinking. Those same factors also cause her to be cheating risk. She can’t be expected to moderate her drinking. She begins losing control after the first sip and your relationship is put at great peril.

She has to completely stop drinking and never drink again. She has to go NC with alcohol.

To wholistically reconcile and definitively fix herself, she must sign a contract to never drink again, get comprehensive IC, go to AA, always maintain transparency, etc.

As long as she continues to drink, she will always be a cheating risk. She-you got lucky in this instance that things didn’t go further, but…

Marriage, long term marriage, is going to add many stressors to someone with a drinking problem such as: Kids, bills, career stress, mortgage, aging in-laws, marriage dull drums and relational stress, midlife, insecurities of aging, temptation, etc.

She needs to be well before entering into a marriage. Not every alcoholic cheats. But your girl seems to be of the variety that does.

Reconciliation-marriage is already damned hard. Alcoholism adds a whole other level of difficulty.

Just to be clear, I never said she "consented" to sex, I said that this was not necessarily sexual assault (two very different things), the fact is she was flirting with him, went back to his house then started making out on the couch, then they stopped immediately after she said "I can't be here, I have to go", to me based on that information alone, it's a big assumption to conclude this was sexual assault and very difficult to prove, heck he was probably drunk too and if so so who assaulted who?, again just because someone is drunk doesn't necessarily mean consent is or is not given to take it to the next level, in fact I have seen plenty of drunk/wasted drunk women reject and even slap guys in bars and clubs, we simply don't know how exactly conscious she was and if she was conscious enough to give consent at the time, we simply don't, and if we are to believe her/his story, then she certainly was "conscious enough" to stop it sometime during the makeout session and before it went further and also was "conscious enough" to get back home safe, drunk people often get disoriented, can't even walk and sometimes get lost and can't find their way home, fortunately this wasn't the case and she was able to walk back home/hotel room.

She exhibited poor boundaries and made poor choices the entire night, again, she should have shot him down when the flirting started, she didn't.

[This message edited by Buster123 at 9:43 PM, Thursday, November 10th]

IMO this was not sexual assault.

THEY were making out on the couch.

Your gf made a huge very bad decision. Her drinking might have or might not have played a role in her choices.

She needs to get serious about her alcohol issues.

You can recover from infidelity, but it will take a very long time.