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Newest Member: Crushedafter46years

Reconciliation :
Years out, should have left

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 emptyheart (original poster member #18873) posted at 8:48 PM on Saturday, November 5th, 2022

Wow. Almost thirteen years since my first D-Day and I am still hurting. Stayed with my H for a number of reasons, but now looking at life at the age of 63, an empty nest, and realizing that there are many days I don’t even like my H much anymore.

What he did was so devastating, it broke me.

I will never be the same person I would have been had he not cheated. Had he remained faithful.

And for that I am still so fucking angry.

I feel like I allowed him to sweep way too much under the rug for the sake of our kids, but am now understanding the real cost it took on me.

For anyone still struggling years out, my advice would be to leave.

I would rather be alone right now than to feel so lonely with him.

What is the point.

Me - BW, Him - WH
2 great kids that are my reason for living.
1st D-Day - March 28, 2008
False R for a year
2nd D-Day - April 11, 2009

posts: 1145   ·   registered: Mar. 28th, 2008
id 8763833
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BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 9:31 PM on Saturday, November 5th, 2022

You have been heard and everything you are feeling is totally understandable.

So, at 63 you still have some good years ahead of you.

Your choice now may be economics mixed with your social situation at home.

I would rather be alone right now than to feel so lonely with him

.
In 12 years (at age 75) will you regret that you didn't move forward with leaving this year?
Will you look back and say, "The last 10 or 11 years could have been filled with more happiness and peace by myself"?

OR
If the economics of leaving at this point are too daunting, could you get some counseling to lay some of that hate down and just live neutrally like roommates who coexist?
To be clear, I'm not saying forgive him, or like him, or heal the marriage. I'm suggesting that hate and anger tend to burn WAY more energy in the person who is carrying it around than it ever harms the person who they are focusing the hate/anger on. So, laying it down and reaching a state of true indifference to your WH is a gift to yoursel.

You have boiled your situation down nicely, and you know you're not happy. No matter if you stay or go, taking some action to create more happiness for yourself is worth it.

"Don't you love it, don't you love it?No, I ain't happy yet.But I'm way less sad."[Credit to group AJR]

Me=BW; fWH=online affairs with 3 APs over 2.5-3 yrsBoth in IC & MCMarried 31 yrs now2 kids-both in HSAttempting R

posts: 291   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8763838
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 emptyheart (original poster member #18873) posted at 11:57 PM on Saturday, November 5th, 2022

Thank you for such kind wisdom. You really did make me focus on the heart of the matter at this point in time. I cannot leave now, for both financial reasons and also because of the place my daughter is in her life right now.

The time for me to have left should have been at the beginning. I know there are people who have found a way forward together and been very successful with it.
If I knew then what I know now, as the saying goes.

My only option is to accept my decision to stay and find some way to find my own happiness. Or at least peace and acceptance.

I just wish I could be the person I would have been before this all happened. I miss her.

Me - BW, Him - WH
2 great kids that are my reason for living.
1st D-Day - March 28, 2008
False R for a year
2nd D-Day - April 11, 2009

posts: 1145   ·   registered: Mar. 28th, 2008
id 8763862
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BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 12:47 AM on Sunday, November 6th, 2022

I just wish I could be the person I would have been before this all happened. I miss her.

You ARE her. Believe that. Live it.

She's in you--just help her get her bitch boots on and walk around. I don't mean be a bitch to others; I mean be a bad bitch for yourself.

He didn't break you. You're just dented. You got knocked down, but you're standing now. I see that. No one can break us unless we allow it...and we don't allow it, yes?

Think about that woman you think you miss and take steps toward being her. Little steps are okay. It's all progress.

What's one thing you can do this week toward that goal?

"Don't you love it, don't you love it?No, I ain't happy yet.But I'm way less sad."[Credit to group AJR]

Me=BW; fWH=online affairs with 3 APs over 2.5-3 yrsBoth in IC & MCMarried 31 yrs now2 kids-both in HSAttempting R

posts: 291   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8763869
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 3:45 AM on Sunday, November 6th, 2022

I think you could be a better person. I wanted what I was planning for my future but suddenly it was gone. Then I had to get busy creating something new. Don't be stuck in sorrow for the past. Who you might have been. Take your precious time left and be a great person today. Yes I wish I had my dream. Yes I wish ws had not blown that up. It didn't stop me from having a happy life.

You choose. You create something that gives you joy. Take what you have and make the best that you can. Don't compare to something on tv or what someone else has or what you wanted before. What can you do right now to bring peace and contentment?

Life can be good anyway. No use to be upset forever about what happened. Don't let it hold you back from enjoying the remaining time.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2510   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8763891
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 3:55 AM on Sunday, November 6th, 2022

My pal is a widow now. Her life is tough without the financial support. Even though they were happy, now she's alone and doing her best to manage. If you need to stay with ws try and make it 5he most beneficial situation possible.

Free up your mental energy for making things better. It's a tough situation but better than being too stressed and angry. Hard to live like that every day. Get out and take breaks. Give your mind a rest.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2510   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8763893
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VezfromTaz ( member #80815) posted at 11:00 AM on Sunday, November 6th, 2022

Selfish people wear you down eventually, as does providing emotional labour for all and sundry. I hope someone in your life takes care of you as well.

posts: 65   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2022
id 8763904
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realitybites ( member #6908) posted at 1:31 PM on Sunday, November 6th, 2022

emptyheart,

I would not be surprised if there are MANY on here who have stayed for whatever their reasons might be and are now regretting that decision. So I do not think you are alone at all.

I totally get it that you are finding that you just don't even like your spouse any more, which I do feel is something that is the "biggest" thing that a marriage needs to be able to stay together. You have to like them and you have to trust them. Trust being absolutely a must as well.

What's really a bummer is that if one had a choice and if you wanted to pick a "room mate" to live with you, that the spouse would not be someone you would pick! But we are stuck with them now.

I find when a WS has not gone thru the hard work to find out why they felt lying and cheating to their spouse is now someone who has never really matured in life, a therapist explained it to me that my WS stayed emotionally stuck in one time period and never moved on from it. So now as we get older I just find we now have nothing really in common, in fact he will feel and see me emotionally moving away from him and still try his little dirty tricks that always got a rise out of me to get "some" kind of attention from me. And what he does not realize is that the more he does it, the more he pushes me away. I am litterally not in love with someone who is immature and continues to just be a huge anchor on my life.

So your choice is to stay, so many will tell you to find an outside life, but now what to do with the other person in the house who will watch you walk out the door and do different things without them? Do you care? See there is that nice person in me that just has a damn hard time doing that, gotta work on that one for sure.

I wish you the very best in finding your happiest life, especially after Covid and all that is happening in the world, life is short and time is a ticking! Take care of you!

Stop expecting loyalty from people who cannot even give you honesty.

He stopped being my husband the first time he cheated. It took me awhile to understand that I was no longer his wife.

posts: 6906   ·   registered: Apr. 16th, 2005   ·   location: florida
id 8763915
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likeapinball ( member #50073) posted at 8:53 PM on Tuesday, November 8th, 2022

emptyheart - I feel your pain.

I've just passed the 7 year mark of DD. The first couple of years were a blur, then I felt like we were in a better spot and now...meh. I'm not sure if COVID has had something to do with it or not. I find I'm a lot less tolerant of poor behaviour in general. My H has been working from home for almost 3 years now, which drives me crazy. I work part-time out of the house, thankfully. So, I definitely think that plays into this. I used to have the house to myself when I wasn't at work, now I'm NEVER here alone.

I too regret not pulling the pin day 1 sometimes. But at the time I was terrified of trying to support 3 young kids (15, 13 and 11 at the time). I've come to realize that while I still care for my H, I don't really like who he is as a person most days. It's comments that he makes about world "events" or even people that we know. It's sometimes the way he talks to the kids, who don't really put up with the digs anymore, which he thinks is funny (the digs, not the fact they don't take it), sometimes it's his passive/aggressive behaviour. And sometimes it's just the way he breathes. I'm almost 56 and I think "where would I be if I'd made a different choice". Admittedly, I could be somewhere much worse, but....

I think there's a part of me that is still very hurt by his actions. And I'm starting to feel like I may be one of those people that isn't going to ever come back from this. My H was very remorseful, forthcoming with anything I asked about, did a lot of work and will still talk without being defensive or blame shifting. But I'm just not feeling it anymore.

So, I really have no advice. Others have given some that I should probably take! Just wanted to say, you're not alone in how you're feeling! Take care xo

Edited to fix my math - ugh!

[This message edited by likeapinball at 8:55 PM, Tuesday, November 8th]

BS,DD: Sep 26, 2015. Married 16 years at DD. WH had a LTA with MOW. Three kiddos 15, 13 and 11 at the time. In R

posts: 222   ·   registered: Oct. 26th, 2015   ·   location: Canada
id 8764229
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Headshoulderskneestoes ( new member #82411) posted at 8:32 PM on Thursday, November 17th, 2022

I am 10 years out, and I can completely relate. Around the 7-8 year mark I finally saw clearly and was tired of being the person that H "made" me. I realized that I was putting their feelings ahead of mine (my! are there regrets for that) and I was lost - just completely lost and wandering through life.

I didn't really like who I was and of course I blamed H, but decided that I am not going to let it define me anymore. Of course there is much more to it than that. I know this won't be the same for every situation, but as I learned to love myself again (my past, my present, and my future self) and defined myself without worrying about what anyone else thought - my whole life changed.

I hate that it has taken me 10 years to get to this point, but I think it had to happen this way. There were so many lost years, lost joy, and don't get me started on the ways I could've been a more emotionally mature parent to my young kids had my heart not been ripped apart. (this I'm still working on, but I firmly believe that it's NEVER too late to connect with your children)

So when I say I think it had to happen this way (take this long for me), I mean that the second that I realized that this was about me and my own self love - there was no turning back and my momentum to experience joy again never stopped. It took so long to get to that point that when I did get there that the change was swift and mighty. And with that came the decision that -I am who I am- and I will remind my H of that anytime I get pushback on something, because they have their own fears themselves. I stumbled upon a hobby (hopefully turned career) that I am so passionate about, and yes that meant that I had to spend time apart from H. Was there pushback? Absolutely. But by loving myself enough to pursue something that brings me so much excitement, H realizes that I am happy and I'm not going anywhere (their fear).

So as of today, I am at a point where I need to put it out there that I've overcome something so monumental in my life. The people that know what happened have barely ever asked how I was doing - so this really has been a long and lonely struggle - which I can honestly say I am proud of. I can say... this is who I am and who I want to be. I love myself and will not be afraid anymore. I find that as the love for myself increases, the grasp I have on those past emotions slowly loosens. I let those emotions go in the wind and say thank you but it's time for you to go.

posts: 1   ·   registered: Nov. 17th, 2022
id 8765613
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