SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi. I never thought I would have to be here. I will not go into too much detail but I don’t know where else to turn to get this all out. I have a long term partner and things have been strained for the past couple years. They had a mental incident a few years ago but I am guessing for them, things were worse before that. I asked them to get therapy and they did for one session and said they had enough. We have slowly been spending less time together as I have other responsibilities and he is not interested in joining me or help with any of it.

A couple months ago, I asked if they were meeting up with other people, with no proof. They said no so I believed them. Since then I have found proof they were seeing someone for over a year. I’m pretty sure it is over since I confronted them but I recently found condoms and we do not use condoms ever. I don’t know how long they’ve had them either or if they were seeing people on top of the other person I know about. I have suspicions they are talking to other people, probably multiple, but I don’t know how to proceed with confronting them again. Their phone is always on do not disturb when we are in the car together, and social media is blocked. I am having trouble believing anything they say when they leave the house or even just be in another room in the house.

We have been in counseling since the first talk. They are also finally seeing a therapist themselves. They said they want to work on it, but they do not initiate anything. They never text first, but we do live together so there isn’t a lot of texting going on. Not a lot of intimacy either but that’s been an issue for a while. We do dates nights but they feel uncomfortable and forced sometimes.

I guess I want to understand what makes people think it’s a better idea to seek out other people instead of talking about their problems with their partner. I feel that I was always asking how they were wanting to listen but maybe I wasn’t listening right.

I am totally heart broken as this was the person I thought was my forever love. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t want them to go but I don’t want to be the fall back person. I want to ask them to stay somewhere else for now, but I also don’t want that at the same time.

Thanks for listening!

There are red flags all over your post.
Do I think there is cheating? Yes, but what kind? Condoms=cheating unless he puts them on gun stocks. Locked phone, mysterious outings etc. are signs the dedication to your relationship has waned. You can hire a PI or try to put a VAR under the seat in his car. It might be against the law where you live so be cautious.

First I'm sorry you are here. There is a lot of helpful information for you in the healing library so definitely take a look there as well.

I agree with Cooley re red flags, but you know what those are as you are here. Then you said this:

I want to ask them to stay somewhere else for now, but I also don’t want that at the same time.

I am guessing (so please feel free to let me know if I misunderstand):

You want to ask your partner to leave because you know in your head and likely your heart too that you don't want or deserve the treatment they are giving you. You lack trust in them. You are being mistreated and kept in the dark. You are suspicious with good reason and the answers you are getting are not acceptable - not enough. Your partner has given you a million good reasons (likely more than you have written) to feel this way, and without change, you will likely continue to feel this way, so you know that asking them to leave will help YOU feel better eventually, if not today.

You don't want to ask your partner to leave because you are afraid they won't come back - that it will be over - and you don't want the person you fell in love with to be out of your life.

If I'm right about your whys, I can tell you the 100% biggest lesson I have learned from 5 years of dealing with infidelity and it's aftermath and so much great advice from others on this site who have been through it is this:

You can't control what someone else will do. You can't control the outcome when the outcome you desire involves another person.

You want to be with your partner but with certain conditions - that the lying, cheating, and hiding/shutting you out stops. You want intimacy. You want change from where your relationship is today. When you think about your partner staying with you I presume it's not the person they have become - you imagine them staying as you remember them before - when you were happy together. I presume if someone could show you a crystal ball into the future if you stayed with your partner and continued on the path you are on and the ball showed that nothing changed, that you were in the same situation 1, 2, 5 years from now that you are now, feeling the same way, you wouldn't want them to stay. I don't have a crystal ball...so you have to look at what you know - and what you know is now. Right now you are not okay with your relationship and how your partner is behaving. So do the only thing you can:

You can control how YOU behave. Therefore the best thing you can do for YOU is to tell your partner how you feel, what you need and want, and see how they respond and act accordingly. Only you can decide what deal breakers are for you and what you can live with, but I wish I had made these decisions sooner instead of staying in limbo-misery for years. If what your partner does is enough for you to stay together, then you stay. If they don't you ask them to leave and see what happens. Leaving isn't always permanent. Sometimes that push is what motivates a romantic partner to start working towards change - but sometimes it doesn't. It seems to me like unless you want to do some investigating - to "catch" them - then the time is now to speak up for yourself. It's hard (or it was for me) but it's worth it in the long run - no matter what the outcome of your current situation comes to, you will feel better having protected you - as you are the most important person in your life - don't forget that!

As to this:

I guess I want to understand what makes people think it’s a better idea to seek out other people instead of talking about their problems with their partner.

There are many "answers" but none are satisfactory as they don't make sense to those of us not standing in a wayward partner's shoes.

Thank you both for the reply. I have not told anyone in my life so it is nice to get it out.

Cooley: I have thought about the tracker but I won’t do that. I am down a rabbit hole with new info and I don’t know if I want to go that far.

Lonely: you are correct for my whys. I mean this is literally the person I thought would never do this to me so if they did, why am I enough now to change their ways? I don’t like the person they have become but they are also similar to how we were before too. It’s so confusing and I feel like I’m just the back up in case other things don’t work out.

I felt like the back up too. You don't have to allow it. Being apart hurts less than being abused. The important thing is not to be too scared to put yourself first. Being free from the stress and worry is a big relief.

Hi @LPFFL I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this painful situation to do with your partner's actions. Communication and trust are so important for a relationship to flourish and when it's not there, it can be very difficult.
You said you're in counselling, but do you think this is helping either of you.
If indeed you're sure that your partner is being unfaithful again, then it will be best to have a serious discussion with them as to their commitment to your relationship.
Looking back, do you think that both of you have rug swept issues in your relationship. I think people have different reasons why they seek out other people instead of communicating with each other to resolve issues.

I hope and pray the near future brings you wisdom on how to move forward and healing for your emotions. No matter what happens, do remember that you are worthy of love that can be trusted.

I do not know if counseling is helping because I do not know if what they are saying in the sessions is true. I have asked if things are better and they say yes but I know I am lying because I have all this information I have yet to disclose. I don’t know how to approach it. I have thought about putting a note on the condoms and leave them where they are so the next time they go get them, they will see it. I have thought about calling them out of social media, telling their family (I won’t do either of those two things). I have brought up if they have been unfaithful and they keep saying no. I know I am being naive but I want them to want to confess without me pulling it out of them. I know I may never get any of the details as I know people who have kept affairs secret for years even after ending them. The last time I went though something like this, I was told to write a letter and leave it somewhere then leave and text the person letting them know it’s there. The letter could contain whatever I wanted it to but they had to read it. I started a letter but it went from love and support to hatred really fast.

One thing I have done is get my ducks in a row and verify everything I would need to do if we separate. I feel like I am getting to the place where the conversation is going to happen soon and I won’t be left figuring that out after.

How long are you willing to wait for a confession about the condoms? What are all the reasons for not confronting them now? Which ones are healthy, which unhealthy? Is waiting better for you, or is confronting now?

Why not just end your relationship now, since you know they are lying?

Just to give you another data point, I eventually pinned my W down, and she revealed her A. If she hadn't I don't know how much I would have pushed her at that moment. In any case, she did reveal her A, and she came clean on d-day. I have no knowledge of what I'd have done if she TT'ed me or minimized or blame-shifted.

But I can say that the sooner I learned I had been betrayed, the sooner I was relieved of the terrible uncertainty, and - I believe - the sooner I was healed.

I urge you to talk with your IC about confronting your partner sooner rather than later. Th knowledge of those condoms ... I'd hate to live with that. I suspect the knowledge would grow more painful day by day. If that's happening, why put yourself through that?

There isn't a bunch of details on the relationship here. By chance did you both meet while in a relationship with other people? Just curious as to not having much detail on that part, which seems to kind of be important for context.

I am so sorry that you are here and feeling this pain. You have been given some good advice below. You need to have the conversation with your partner. I know how hard this will be. You are right.. it is not fair that others choose to cheat instead of fixing the relationship.. There is no rule saying you have to make a decision immediately, but you need to take care of yourself.

LPFFL,

You have to face reality sooner than later. You are only hurting yourself by not confronting them. You need to do everything you can to protect yourself. Theres only one reason why people have condoms. To have sex with randomos and not catch STDs especially when they have more than one partner. Ofcourse also to prevent a pregnancy. However even if they have condoms most cheaters dont even use the condoms. I know this to be true from first hand experience. I found condoms but I also found my WH didnt even use condoms with AP. Not once. So maybe by having condoms they felt like they were doing something good. b@stards. If you read others posts you'll see its a pattern amongst cheaters. My WH and I never used condoms either because we were trying to conceive for nearly a decade. Maybe he thought since he wasnt able to get me pregnant he'll try his luck on someone else. That someone being a co-worker. For nearly 6 months. I was blind sided by it because I thought the guy was it my forever love (whatever that is) and i thought he would never do this to me. I sacrificed alot for him and what he did was have an A which broke me to a million pieces. I have never experienced this kind of trauma or betrayal ever. I guess theres a first for everything. This was over 5 years ago. We are still together but was very close to divorce. We have 2 children now but its not the same. Im not the same. Im not that weak and vulnerable person I was. I do not let anyone walk over me anymore. Yes I love him but not that innocent love i felt in our earlier days.

Is life great now? Yes because i have 2 beautiful babies. I live for them.
Is life better with him? He is still making up for what he did. He does all the house work and pretty much looks after the children and feeds and changes them. We both work our professional jobs but he does extra hours at home. Well he has to because im not doing it. I used to let him be after work while I worked the house even after my 50 hours shift. I used to do all the preparations and all the cooking etc. We now play very different roles. Dont get me wrong I still do things but I make sure he does alot too.
Do I have a life now? After everything i sacrificed for him Im making up by being a strong independent woman. I work and I spend amd I spoil my babies. They deserve all the happiness and that makes me happy. I will make sure that I do everything for them now. Not him.
Would I have have left him? Yes I should have because I lived with the aftermath of the A which was not good for my mental health. I used to get panic attacks and anxiety. However since taking control of my own life I dont owe him anything and he can no longer hurt me. If he was to have an A again I would leave him in a heartbeat. I dont need him. I will not look back. I will make sure he is in the streets and nowhere near this family. He doesnt deserve me or this family.

You need to make a stand for yourself. Start thinking with your head. Not your heart. They both contradict themselves all the time. You cannot hide in the dark until you discover something new. Be strong and fight for your own life. You nerd to be selfish too! You deserve to think about yourself!