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Newest Member: Crushedafter46years

Divorce/Separation :
My Ex-WH has been arrested, convicted and is going to jail

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 Louisianalisa (original poster member #72443) posted at 12:53 AM on Friday, October 28th, 2022

It's been a long time since I've posted. I'm hoping for some guidance or feedback. My ex-WH (we divorced June 2020) has been arrested, convicted and is going to prison for nine months.

The story: Ex-WH was with his mistress from 2018-2021. At some point during his relationship with her, he started cheating on her with her daughter - who was only 17 at the time. Yes, you read that correctly. barf He continued sleeping with the 17 year old for a year and a half. Sleeping with both of them at the same time. barf

When this all came out, the mistress had him arrested and he pled guilty. Even though it was consensual, it's still considered rape because she is under 18. He also had inappropriate contact with her 14 year old son, although I don't know what that type of contact was. But it's also been labeled as rape. And that is how his conviction record reads on all counts. It's a horror story.

His first two counts of rape were while we were still married (just two months before our divorce was final). He had long since moved out. I've been applying for jobs and if I'm hired, they will do a background check on me. My question is - will I be flagged somehow on my background check because of my association with a sex offender felon? I can't believe I am having to even ask these questions. crying This is very scary to me. I've written to our divorce lawyer to ask for legal advice for my own protection, and I'm waiting to hear back. Perhaps there's someone here who might be able to speak about this, or someone who has been in this situation and knows about these things. As I said, it's a horror story.

On a side note:
He may have cheated on me with her, but he cheated on her with her own daughter.
For me, the other woman is a stranger. For her, the other woman is her daughter.
If that's not poetic justice for a betrayed wife then I don't know what is.

Thanks to anyone who might know if I might be flagged (guilty by association) in background checks, or in any other public or private records.
LL

BS: Me (still in shock)
WH: Unremorseful covert narcissist
3+ year long EA/PA.
DDays: Several (summer 2019)
Married 14 years. Divorced (summer 2020)
Food for thought: "Let go or be dragged"

posts: 111   ·   registered: Jan. 1st, 2020
id 8762466
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MegMeg ( member #79978) posted at 2:12 AM on Friday, October 28th, 2022

((Hugs)) What a sad story! I can't imagine that the divorcing spouse no longer living with this man would be considered an accessory or considered guilty by association. After all, you were in the throws of "disassociation." My legal opinion is worthless, but I just want to reach out and commiserate with you.

Me: BS | Him: WS | Children: Grown | Married: 36 years

posts: 81   ·   registered: Feb. 20th, 2022   ·   location: Pulling myself out of the mire
id 8762478
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 Louisianalisa (original poster member #72443) posted at 2:38 AM on Friday, October 28th, 2022

Thank you, MegMeg. smile It's one thing to see him simply as a cheater (as I have these past three years), but I never dreamt I could think less of him than I already do. But he has sunk to a new level into depravity, and I know now that he is a very sick man. It saddens me that I made such a poor choice for a husband. crying

BS: Me (still in shock)
WH: Unremorseful covert narcissist
3+ year long EA/PA.
DDays: Several (summer 2019)
Married 14 years. Divorced (summer 2020)
Food for thought: "Let go or be dragged"

posts: 111   ·   registered: Jan. 1st, 2020
id 8762482
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lostandbound ( member #56011) posted at 4:13 AM on Friday, October 28th, 2022

Here's my short answer--I don't know, but I doubt it. It's certainly a scary prospect, though, and I have tremendous sympathy for you. The whole experience sounds horrendous.

I used to work at a place that did background checks, for a short period of time and ten-ish years ago. From what I saw, all "background check" places use the same system, a public records aggregate system. Unless they are dispatching a PI to do thorough and extensive research (are you applying for a job with the CIA?) it likely won't ever come up. Jmo, but you could basically run a background check on yourself and find out. Most websites charge like $40 and give you instant results. I'm trying to think of a (somewhat) reputable one--maybe truepeoplesearch?

Fwiw, when I worked at that place I ran a background check on myself. Results were spotty. They had every address I ever lived at and a traffic violation. They did not have a garnishment I was served with twenty plus years ago, which is easily findable in the county system. And there was nothing about my divorce, which is also easily findable in the county system.
Wishing you luck.

posts: 114   ·   registered: Nov. 12th, 2016
id 8762492
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fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 4:22 AM on Friday, October 28th, 2022

That is a horrible story. Your ExWH certainly left a trail of destruction. I remember your story from your original posts. I recall that your exWH treated you so coldly with no remorse. The phrase narcissist discard comes to mind. And as many of these types do, he felt entitled to use whomever he pleased, the law and decency do not phase him. So glad you are away from him.

I am long retired from the law and not qualified to give legal advice, but I do not see any circumstances where you as the divorcing spouse would be implicated in his actions.

Good luck to you. I hope you are doing well.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3354   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8762499
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 12:12 PM on Friday, October 28th, 2022

It’s a Friday.
This is definitely the correct day and purpose to go buy a good bottle of Champagne (or even better – a good Cava) and celebrate the hard, tough decision and process of changing the WH to Ex-WH.
Cheers and congratulations for being out!

_
I will say this: Although I don’t have much sympathy for someone that knowingly enters a relationship with a married person I do feel some sympathy for the mother that probably lost whatever normal future relationship she might have with her daughter, as well as the young woman that was abused.
I sort-of hope your husbands sphincter muscle get’s some involuntary use while incarcerated… blush (totally as a joke!)

[This message edited by Bigger at 12:13 PM, Friday, October 28th]

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 11141   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8762537
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Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 4:23 PM on Friday, October 28th, 2022

When applying, be aware of questions asked on the application. If it's a federal job or any type of government job, they usually want complete history such as former residences, marriages and divorces. If it's with a corporation or firm, it should be less complicated. An example is the FBI application which requires an applicant to list every residence they have ever lived in - and many other personal questions. One of my former employees, a young attorney, applied for the Secret Service and her background check went on for weeks. I was her main personal reference and actually met the Secret Service representative at a restaurant for the personal interview. If there is a marital status question with the opportunity to put down DIVORCED, always do that. If it's a smaller firm or organization, you might also feel comfortable in sharing just a part of your situation for the divorce if you get to a final interview and anything comes up, keeping it light. Being divorced from him should have no bearing on a background check for you personally in light of the fact you have never been arrested or convicted of a crime. Hope this helps.

I feel badly for your situation and happy you will be free from him.

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 3342   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8762645
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Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 4:25 PM on Friday, October 28th, 2022

Fareast, longtime retired from law? I didn't think we lawyers ever retire. smile I've never thought about 'life after law.

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 3342   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8762646
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fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 5:21 PM on Friday, October 28th, 2022

t/j

Jeaniegirl:

Lol! I hear you. I know some people who can't give it up! Not me! Been retired from the bench almost twelve years. Worked as a stringer for a legal publishing company for a couple of years but Nah! Spending time with our grandkids when they are little is more important.

But I do know those who will never retire.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3354   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8762669
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Jeaniegirl ( member #6370) posted at 5:36 PM on Friday, October 28th, 2022

Glad you are enjoying your retirement!

To Louisianalisa - I thought of something else. If you know someone in business, have them run a background check on you to see if anything pops up about the EX.

"Because I deserve better"

posts: 3342   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2005
id 8762671
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 Louisianalisa (original poster member #72443) posted at 1:15 AM on Saturday, October 29th, 2022

Thanks so much Jeaniegirl, Bigger, lostandbound, MegMeg...

Thank you everyone for your feedback, sympathy and helpful replies. The legal perspective is much appreciated, and mirrors what my lawyer told me today, when he replied to my email. And what a great idea to run a background check on myself, or have a business owner friend do it for me. I will do that! smile

fareast, your reply had me in tears. To know that someone remembers my story, amidst the hundreds of stories on this forum, well, I feel very ... I don't know - seen, heard and validated. 2019-2020 were the years from hell for me. I learned a lot about narcissism from this forum, and from much research. Yes, you remember the discard. His discard of me was brutal. How he went about it. So cruelly - so planned and calculated. My 14-year marriage murdered, dismembered and buried. His discard caused so much trauma for me and was the source of most of my pain, and has taken the longest to recover from. But I am happy to report that I am doing well. I moved many many miles away from him, and I am living a life of peace and healing.

Bigger, it's Friday so it's time for that bottle! I don't have Cava, but I do have a bottle of pinot noir! blush

Thanks again everyone. smooch

[This message edited by Louisianalisa at 1:17 AM, Saturday, October 29th]

BS: Me (still in shock)
WH: Unremorseful covert narcissist
3+ year long EA/PA.
DDays: Several (summer 2019)
Married 14 years. Divorced (summer 2020)
Food for thought: "Let go or be dragged"

posts: 111   ·   registered: Jan. 1st, 2020
id 8762725
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 Louisianalisa (original poster member #72443) posted at 1:20 AM on Saturday, October 29th, 2022

P.S. Jeaniegirl, I moved to an urban area and have been applying for jobs with the local university and with the city. I don't know how in-depth their background checks would be. look ?

BS: Me (still in shock)
WH: Unremorseful covert narcissist
3+ year long EA/PA.
DDays: Several (summer 2019)
Married 14 years. Divorced (summer 2020)
Food for thought: "Let go or be dragged"

posts: 111   ·   registered: Jan. 1st, 2020
id 8762726
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fareast ( Guide #61555) posted at 4:12 AM on Saturday, October 29th, 2022

Louisianalisa:

I do remember your journey that you shared here. So wonderful to read you are doing well, and you have moved on to living a life of peace and healing. You deserve as much and more. Best wishes.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

posts: 3354   ·   registered: Nov. 24th, 2017
id 8762741
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 Louisianalisa (original poster member #72443) posted at 4:57 AM on Saturday, October 29th, 2022

smooch

BS: Me (still in shock)
WH: Unremorseful covert narcissist
3+ year long EA/PA.
DDays: Several (summer 2019)
Married 14 years. Divorced (summer 2020)
Food for thought: "Let go or be dragged"

posts: 111   ·   registered: Jan. 1st, 2020
id 8762743
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Shehawk ( member #68741) posted at 11:58 AM on Sunday, October 30th, 2022

I wanted to send ((virtual hugs)) and express empathy. I am truly sorry you are going through this.

Many of us have been through unthinkable things at the hands of waywards. It is very hard and I wish you an easy background check and a smooth employment process. And continued healing.

"It's a slow fade...when you give yourself away" so don't do it!

posts: 1111   ·   registered: Nov. 5th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8762861
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 11:47 PM on Sunday, October 30th, 2022

I don’t know what jobs you are applying for but in my job I had to be fingerprinted with a local sheriffs department, with the state Bureau of investigations, and with the FBI. If there’s nothing on there and they do a simple background check chances are you’re OK but that’s just an opinion and certainly not a legal thing.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3605   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8762923
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 11:48 PM on Sunday, October 30th, 2022

And if you have ever been arrested for anything, even if the charges were dropped, it’s going to be on a record somewhere. Computers are notoriously hard to get things erased.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3605   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8762924
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Bigger ( Attaché #8354) posted at 9:19 AM on Monday, October 31st, 2022

One simple and quick-to-do idea:
Phone the precinct/department that arrested and handled the investigation of your ex-husband’s rapes. Explain your concerns and ask if your name is on any official records and if then in what role. If mentioned as a spouse ask if they noted that you were divorcing at the time.
I’m thinking that it’s extremely unlikely that this will turn up in any negative way on a background check.

There is a classic warning-story in the IT world about a woman in Europe that failed a security check for a public job. When she demanded to know why she was told that the research had connected her to terrorism. Turns out that when on holiday in Spain years earlier she was a witness (or close by) a bombing by a separatist-movement and one of hundreds (if not thousands) of people the police wrote the names of as potential witnesses. This was then entered into a database with a label like: reason for entry: terrorist event. This story is used to explain how the entry needed a label like "witness" and clear distinction from

This story might be a professional IT urban-myth. I have heard the woman was from the UK, Germany and France, depending on who tells the story. It’s been around since the 1980’s, but it’s often used as an example of how you need to label data correctly. For example her labeling should have been "witness" and the data part of the work-data and never entered anything permanent.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

posts: 11141   ·   registered: Sep. 29th, 2005
id 8762956
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Marie2792 ( member #44958) posted at 5:30 AM on Thursday, November 3rd, 2022

If it’s a federal or government job they will ask you about relatives and marriages. My daughter works for the bureau and she had to list every grandparent, aunt and uncle as well as each neighbor she has had since she turned 18. I was concerned about a certain relative having been incarcerated. It didn’t come up. This is probably one of the most thorough checks a company can do, on a federal level. And it showed nothing.

Me: BS,48 (41 at dday)Him: WS, 56 (49 at dday)
Married 27 years, together 30
Dday : 9/9/14 3 week PA

posts: 4841   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2014   ·   location: NYC
id 8763369
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