SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Im sorry I've started 3 threads in 48 hours, but I've not posted for months. I think maybe I've been depressed. And as I'm letting things out I wanted to share a few things that have made me raging these last months.

If only just to be heard

1. My WS had extreme difficulties stopping contact with AP because he saw her every day and he was in some kind of fog. We were long distance at the time. He betrayed me over and over by breaking NC and over time I realised that hurt me a lot worse than the actual affair. He was finally given an ultimatum to leave his job immediately and remove himself geographically from AP or I was filing for divorce. He did as I asked and as a result missed out on certain things. Like finishing the project he was working on or getting a leaving party. He let me know a few months ago he resents the ultimatum I gave him because he "wasn't ready" to leave his job and our hometown. My rage is trigerred enormously by this. Like WTF. Two years on and he seems to blame me for the consequences of his own choices?

2. He's made it abundantly clear that he feels he has an overall worse life due to changing jobs and leaving. He doesn't like where we live now, or his job. I get ragingly angry as I feel he's saying his life was better having an affair. He denied this but it sounds like what he's saying. No matter how many times I tell him to show gratitude for our life, which he deserved to lose, he won't stop this. He says he's grateful for me but hates the rest of his life. Leaving me to perpetually imagine how much better his overall package deal was with AP.

3. He hasn't done the work. So I never healed. He didn't do any of the stuff I asked, like therapy or anything. So stuff with us hasn't gotten better. Then he says basically that when he gave up his job and our home to save us, he didn't expect "new us" to be him being criticised and shouted at all the time. So zero accountability for him creating this.

4. During an argument a few months ago he actually said to me hedeserved to be treated better. That being hurt and shouted at was damaging hismental health.

There's no point to sharing this other than how crazy it's made me feel.

After he says this stuff he's repentant and sorry and says he loves me and he knows he's the one in the wrong but he can't stop the self defence. He says I've got a right to be upset and that he caused it and he'll repeat.

But it's not good. I know it's not good.

You have been heard. And you are right- you are not really in R because he has not done the work.

I will add that you have to heal yourself. Certainly easier if he decides to join you and become a safe partner, but regardless, you need to heal. So focus on that.

Vent away. And take a close look at your life and is this what you want. (((Hugs)))

I have heard something similar and my response is ….and I mean it…you had a choice. You could have kept in touch with your nasty pig Vietnam vet friends but not be married to me. I will not be disrespected in this mar one more time by you! You made all the decisions that were disastrous to our marriage and now it’s my turn to make those choices that effect my life and mental well being!

[This message edited by Sadismynewname at 9:25 PM, Wednesday, September 28th]

I know this definitely isn't what I want. I read posts here by "evolved" WS like BSR or DaddyDom and I know that's what I want.

I think every day about leaving. But there's still so much love there that it's very hard to do.

I've thought a lot lately at what healing alone will look like. What it involves. Where I might end up just accepting it:

He cheated on me

Then he chose not to do the work to fix it.

I think about that being our story and it hurts.

@sadismynewname

I think in my deepest core, I he's 2.5 years on from this and he's watched...

Me cry almost every day
Me get sick
Me unable to work
Me getting depressed
Our marriage falling apart

And his big takeaway is to be pissed off that he was forced to leave before he was ready, then he's not truly remorseful.

To me, remorse would be humility.

It would be accepting he'd not have been forced to leave his job or our home IF HE HAD KEPT NC with the AP. He kept breaking it. WTF did he expect me to do?

It would be being grateful every single day for still having our life, instead of complaining it was a downgrade.

It would be thinking about ME about my losses about my suffering that I had no choice at all in.

I struggle with understanding because he definitely feels horrible guilt and shame and he definitely hates me being in any pain at all.

But he seems psychologically incapable of true remorse.

Grace I read them too and saw my husband falling short but I watched a counselor on TikTok that helped me a bit…he said changing jobs, no contact with AP, moving etc are working on themselves. I was wanting deep spiritual thoughts but I don’t think my husband is capable of that and maybe yours isn’t either. Do we leave them because they aren’t able to do that? Hmmm 🤔 That is the question I struggle with!

Mine definitely isn't capable.

Funnily enough i know with absolute certainty that if I left tomorrow, within 14 days he'd get it.

He'd be saying "oh God I've been so self absorbed. I'd prefer life with Grace anywhere, no matter what my job or the weather or how far away my friends are".

I think he has a weird psychology of not seeing things when they're happening.

Like an executive function deficiency.

Yes exactly and they have male egos that want to be the leader of the family. Which I was okay with until he proved to not capable of doing the right thing for us.

You’ve been heard and sorry you are alone in the journey. You do have to heal yourself and as you do if he’s not doing the work you will find yourselves further and further apart. He has to want it and having his own pity party won’t help.

I agree with the other poster that said you are not in R. My xWS did the same, kept breaking NC and then put me in False R. He too felt 'entitled' to being treated better than he was. My xWS actually says our M didn't make it because "I couldn't get over it" or "let it go". My xWS also didn't put in any work or go to IC except once during his A when he was diagnosed as NPD, then never went back. Unfortunately it is what happens after the A that kills the M. One day you may wake up and discover you no longer love your WS. This stuff takes a toll there's only so much you can hear of their being unremorseful.

Yes, that's true.

For me, the A wasn't a dealbreaker. It was recoverable if he'd maintained NC and done "the work"

I know this definitely isn't what I want. I read posts here by "evolved" WS like BSR or DaddyDom and I know that's what I want.

I get this cus I remember feeling that way too.

But.

You (like me) have ZERO control over your ws. You can want so badly for your ws to turn into a daddydom, but you wanting it ain't enough honey. Your ws has to want it, and I think he's shown you pretty clearly how little he's willing to do to get there.

I think every day about leaving. But there's still so much love there that it's very hard to do.

How is him continuing to act this way showing you love? How is it demonstrating that he values you? Believe me I feel you here. It was a huge and bitter pill for me to swallow when I finally realized in my situation that my xwh was really good at saying the words, but all of his actions actually spoke the truth.

I've thought a lot lately at what healing alone will look like. What it involves. Where I might end up just accepting it:

It was a hard thing for me to accept that my xwh did this, but that I was going to have to fix myself. But I finally realized that it was ridiculous for me to expect someone who was unwilling to lift a finger to fix his own self to take any meaningful part in my healing.

For me, my healing didn't even really start until I cut out the person who was continuing to hurt me.

He cheated on me

Then he chose not to do the work to fix it.

I think about that being our story and it hurts.

That might be your marriage's story, but it doesn't have to be YOUR story.

I’m sorry for you. But at some point you have to decide if he’s worth staying with or not.

If for some reason you cannot leave him (financial reasons, health reasons, whatever) then you need to build your own life. Find your happiness and joy separate and apart from him and marriage.

You don’t need to be miserable b/c he blames your for HIS unhappiness. He can be perfectly unhappy on his own. You don’t need to be subjected to that.

In fact I would tell your former cheating H to keep his opinions to himself from here on in AND accept the consequences. And then walk away.

The next time he starts to bring it up, remind him you are not listening to that rant AND LEAVE THE ROOM. Do that consistently and he will get the message.

At some point we all have to ask ourselves, "How can I be upset with WS for not changing the way he/she handles things when I am also not changing the way I handle things?"

Be the change you seek.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 10:01 AM, Thursday, September 29th]