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Newest Member: May28

Divorce/Separation :
Struggling

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Beagle (original poster member #79560) posted at 1:28 AM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

So I’m putting this out there just to put it out there. I moved in to my new home on September 3rd. I got it completely set up too to bottom in like two weeks. Worked my ass off. Had the kids over last weekend for the first time. It was great. Had a good time with them. It’s hard dropping them off again but I think I can adjust.

Right now I am just really struggling. It’s like now that I’m in my own place and have some semblance of peace I don’t know what to do with myself. I stay busy, work out etc but I’m feeling so alone and lonely at times. It’s been bad the last few days to the point where I’m wondering if I am clinically depressed. I also work second shift which makes socializing hard. My therapist felt that I was focused on moving forward and getting everything done that I’m probably now starting the experience the loss of what I thought I had.

I will push forward but I wanted to hear if anyone else experienced what I am? How did you manage and cope.

Beagle

posts: 88   ·   registered: Nov. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: United States
id 8756606
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 2:13 AM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

I agree with your therapist. When a wave comes in, it’s all great. But when it pulls back out, it leaves an emptiness.
You deal with it by … well dealing with it. Acknowledge it. Understand it is temporary. Maybe journal or otherwise explore it. And kinda lean into it. Learning to be alone, learning to adjust to this new normal is hard. It just is. But it is not forever.

And look for healthy new hobbies— read a book, refinish furniture, whatever…

You might be depressed - situational depression is a thing.
That you need to talk to your doctor about.

Hang in there.

Me: BS 57 (49 on d-day)Him: *who cares ;-) *. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 5985   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8756610
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barcher144 ( member #54935) posted at 6:10 PM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

It’s been bad the last few days to the point where I’m wondering if I am clinically depressed.

You very well might be. As a minimum, you should talk to your therapist to see if getting on anti-depressants would be a good choice for you.

Look, you have been through some really really awful stuff. It happens to the best of us. Someone once said that depression follows infidelity like bleeding follows from a cut with a knife.

The good news is that you are moving forward and you are seeing a therapist. You are doing a lot right, which is better than I could say for me when I was in your situation.

I will push forward but I wanted to hear if anyone else experienced what I am? How did you manage and cope.

You are doing MUCH better than me. I fell into a deep depression after D-day (6 years ago!) and it has taken me a long long time to get back to where I want to be. In fact, I am still getting better, as in I noticed this morning that I have done really well since the beginning of September.

Anyway, I have basically re-evaluated my entire life and I am trying to correct a lot of issues... some of which came up due to infidelity, some of which have nothing to do with infidelity.

As far as tips to make you feel better, people will always tell you things like eat well, get exercise, get sleep, etc. Those are all good pieces of advice. HOWEVER, the one thing that I learned to do when I was down... was to be really nice to other people (usually strangers) as often as I could. For example, I'd go to McDonald's and buy a coke and I'd look the cashier in the eye and genuinely thank them for helping me get a coke. I'd be at Costco and I'd see a couple try to load a large object into their cart (queen-sized mattress, for example) and I'd cheerfully ask them if they would like some help.

Me: Crap, I'm 50 years old. D-Day: August 30, 2016. Two years of false reconciliation. Divorce final: Feb 1, 2021. Re-married: December 3, 2022.

posts: 5419   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2016
id 8756786
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 8:51 PM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

hey dude, sorry your struggling but know its normal and okay.

With your spare time, go hit the gym and find some hobbies that you enjoy. Its just an adjustment period, and we all go through it. Before you know it, you'll enjoy that time off from the kids to do things you enjoy that are not kid friendly.

Remember, now that you are free and single, to build a life that is not dependent on another individual. Be self sufficient and build a strong independent mindset. When you're ready to date, you won't be clingy, and that is a very attractive trait. A strong independent man, good father, has his own friends and hobbies is a very very attractive mate in the dating pool.

posts: 1424   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8756817
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 5:34 AM on Sunday, September 25th, 2022

Listen, we don’t do well alone. We are pack animals. We are suppose to live with a tribe. Please get out and find people. If you can, hike. Join a hiking club. If not join a biking group. I live in a rural area where bicycles are all over the roads on the weekends. Register at a tech school and learn cooking, computers, electrical jobs. Sell real estate. Find people.
Added. Serve your community by volunteering to mentor others. Or go to your local animal shelter and walk the dogs. They need exercise and socialization.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 5:36 AM, Sunday, September 25th]

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 4233   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8756963
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FaithFool ( member #20150) posted at 5:10 PM on Sunday, September 25th, 2022

Just read your back story. Dude, I'm surprised your hair isn't on fire, you've been processing so much in such a short space of time.

Highly recommend Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson. She describes grieving as a non-linear process, much like navigating the bands of a hurricane. You've been riding the waves and now you're just sitting in the eye of it, all is calm and your lizard brain is waiting for the next shoe to drop. You're also processing all that childhood trauma which is an extra layer of icing on the shitty cake.

It took me a good five years to crawl from the wreckage and start feeling anything close to normal. I took a lot of vacations to soothing places, a bucket list trip to Ireland, London and Portugal, another one to the east coast and a week in Montreal. Oregon coast was a favourite place to just walk for miles and get in touch with myself again. Wind and waves can do wonders for the spirit.

I know a lot of folks think just staying busy is the best thing, but sometimes you just have to sit with it. Anderson explains some techniques for processing all this. You will eventually learn to be comfortable in your own skin again but it takes time. There was a lot of yoga and tears and red wine on my journey back to who I used to be.

I'm a senior now and happily living on my own. I started playing music again (had a bit of a career doing that back in the day), put out an album and did a songwriting residency that changed my life and gave me a whole pile of new young friends. After finishing two degrees I went back to work at my alma mater this year, just doing clerical work for my old department, but it's gotten me out of the pandemic isolation mode and back into the world a little bit. I'm a confirmed introvert and love my own company, but enjoy some time with my besties. Cultivate those friendships, they are the gold nuggets in your life.

If I manage to get my own house I'll get a dog when I retire again. I hear that's some good medicine but you have to have the time to give it and I don't have room in my life for one right now. I don't date either, but if someone comes along who suits me, I would consider taking that on, but I'll never share an abode again. Been there, done that, I like my own bed without the snoring. laugh

Anyhow, keep posting, keep processing, one foot in front of the other. This shit is hard but you'll get there.

[This message edited by FaithFool at 5:20 PM, Sunday, September 25th]

DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

posts: 21573   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2008   ·   location: Canada
id 8756999
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Twitchy ( member #25393) posted at 5:57 PM on Sunday, September 25th, 2022

It's time to start thinking about what your new life is going to be. The good part is, it can be whatever you want. You're more free know than you've ever been.

Remake your life. Try writing it out. Just spit ball it. A list of what your new life should look like. Then wittle the list down to the doable stuff.

BH(me)-49, FWW-43,D-Day #1 - Oct 2007 - On-Line EA leading to a failed rendez-vousD-Day #2 - Nov 2008 - In person EA caught early.

Away you will go, sailing in a race among the ruins.If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon. Gordon Li

posts: 772   ·   registered: Sep. 2nd, 2009   ·   location: Ontario - Canada
id 8757003
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FaithFool ( member #20150) posted at 6:10 PM on Sunday, September 25th, 2022

Yes, and journal it all as you go. It's amazing to revisit my journals from all those years ago and see how far I've come. That person was knee deep in misery! duh

DDay: June 15, 2008
Mistakenly married Mr. Superfreak
20 years of OWs, WTF?
Divorced Dec 26, 2011
"Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget
to sing in the lifeboats". -- Voltaire

posts: 21573   ·   registered: Jul. 7th, 2008   ·   location: Canada
id 8757004
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leafields ( Guide #63517) posted at 7:42 PM on Sunday, September 25th, 2022

I was married for a long time, and I figured that it was the habits in my life that I no longer had. When I was home and felt lonely, I'd turn on the radio or TV just to hear other people. Then, I started to create habits in my new place and in my new life. It took about a year, but I don't feel lonely.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 3441   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8757011
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 Beagle (original poster member #79560) posted at 12:24 AM on Monday, September 26th, 2022

Thanks for the replies. It’s just a lot to process. I’m in traditional talk therapy and EMDR. I got a quick divorce , half of everything , joist physical custody of the kids. No child support or alimony. I was able to buy a lovely home.
I have a lot going for me. It’s really all so hard but I know I have to keep one foot in front of the other and move forward. I read on here what other people experience with divorce and I guess I’m some ways I am fortunate.

It’s a shitty situation that got thrown at me. The one year anniversary of when I learned about all the cheating is coming up so that’s hard as well. Anyways thank you all for the kind words and support. It’s helpful.

Beagle

posts: 88   ·   registered: Nov. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: United States
id 8757030
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The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 1:03 PM on Monday, September 26th, 2022

I found that the days leading to the anniversary of the "dates" were worse for me than the actual date.

Hang in there. It does get better.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 10 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.

posts: 13929   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8757063
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countrydirt ( member #55758) posted at 2:23 PM on Monday, September 26th, 2022

Sometimes I really enjoy the aloneness. Sometimes I don't. The biggest thing that helped me was riding my mountain bike a lot. I tried the gym for a while and that helped a bit, particularly if I was having a rough emotional day - sweating and grunting was good therapy and I even made some different friends there. But 2 hours of single track riding helped me focus and the endorphins from riding kept me going on an upward course mentally and emotionally. I have a large state park near me with bicycle trails as well as a large reservoir. Some mornings I take my kayak out and just paddle around for a few hours. It does help that I'm retired.

I second the idea of journal writing. That probably saved my sanity as much as anything. I spent many pretty dark days just writing page after page of verbal vomit and it cleared my brain. Now I try to write at least a page a day and sometimes 3 or 4, depending on what my brain and heart are processing.

After I finally moved into my new home, I put up artwork and curtains and whatnot as I figured out how to decorate as a single man. I actually started watching a little television again after probably not watching it for close to 25 years. I also read quite a bit of fiction. If I have time available, I might just take off somewhere and go for a hike. Sometimes I jump on my bicycle and ride 5 or 6 miles to downtown and have coffee, sometimes with friends, often alone. One hippie coffee shop gives a 10% discount if you show up on a bicycle. I probably go to the movies about once a month and always with a friend or two.

My youngest son, who is 19, lives with me, so I have someone to cook for (although he seems to eat 5 or 6 meals a day).

For me, it just took time to get through the adjustment to what my new life became. After all, I was married for most of my adult life and nearly 60% of my entire life, so I had some learning to do. I've had more adventures after age 55 as I likely had in the previous 30 years.

3 adult sonsMarried 32 years. DDay1 - June 2016, DDay 2 - April 2017, Final DDay - May 2020. Divorced - January 2021
Life is Good!

posts: 527   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2016   ·   location: Colorado
id 8757074
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BobPar ( member #62993) posted at 10:41 PM on Friday, November 4th, 2022

It’s like now that I’m in my own place and have some semblance of peace I don’t know what to do with myself. I stay busy, work out etc but I’m feeling so alone and lonely at times. It’s been bad the last few days to the point where I’m wondering if I am clinically depressed.

Beagle, I can relate to this. I was reading Melanie Beattie this morning about the stages of grief. She called the second to last one "sadness". It is different that I had heard it called before. But there is a sadness, malaise that I'm waiting to get through. I have no plan, purpose and I don't care to find that plan or purpose most days even though it seems like it has been so long. Hope you start seeing your way clear.

DDay 1 (AP1) and 2 (AP2) 2015 DDay 3 (AP 3) and 4 (AP4) 2016There was some overlap with 3 and 4)False R 2016Suspect more from exWW

posts: 542   ·   registered: Oct. 9th, 2016   ·   location: MI
id 8763715
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de.va.sta.ted ( member #22922) posted at 10:16 AM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

It’s grief.
There is no cure, as far as I know. Infidelity has long reaching bcp sequences, and each new stage is a new beginning, but in my case, also signals a closing that involves loss.

I don’t live in this grief all the time anymore, but it’s not over, either. I am trying to just feel the feelings and have faith that this, too, shall pass.

Sorry it’s hard, you’re not alone.

Me: BW Him: WH D-Day 1: February 2009 D-Day 2: April 2018 Divorced!

posts: 1049   ·   registered: Feb. 19th, 2009
id 8765358
Topic is Sleeping.
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