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Newest Member: Goku06

Reconciliation :
Got an apology from the other man

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 ZDZD (original poster new member #80814) posted at 5:02 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

I got a visit from the OM a while ago. It was a year after D-day, several months after I separated from my WW, several months after they ended the affair, and a couple of months after he went NC with my WW, and he and OBS started R. I posted the story in another thread.

He didn't try to blame shift or anything and apologised, but I asked why did he start the A and why did he start R, and got an answer that "I thought A would make me feel good, but actually my family makes me feel good, and my wife wants it too". I was guessing if an apology was also making him feel good. I was as if priest hearing a confession and forgiving sins. Since I was close friends with OBS, I know she thought it was not nice that he wouldn't apologise, so after several months of R he did. OBS also said in another conversation that he was not to blame for my M to dissolve, it's between me and WW. I guess we'll never know now.

Even a few months later I still feel kind of used by both of them to restart their M.

To cheating people, maybe if you don't feel like apologising immediately after disclosing/being discovered, leave everyone alone and don't use them to ease your conscience.

What are your thoughts/any similar experience?

[This message edited by ZDZD at 5:26 PM, Wednesday, September 21st]

Me: the BH
Her: the xWW
Married for 10y, together for 15y, 2 children
AP, OBW close friends of many yearsCurrently divorcing.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2022
id 8756379
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 5:16 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

As far as I know, this doesn't happen all that often so it's interesting hearing what it feels like.

At times, I was outraged that I never received an apology from the OW (we had met several times, attended parties at each others' houses, she was "friends" with me on FB and instagram, she had bought us a frigging wedding present even though she had disclosed to my husband a month prior that she "fantasized about him"). That said, I don't think an apology would have gone over well. I would deeply have resented her "using me" to clean her conscience or to score brownie points with her spouse. I don't think an apology from her would have made me feel better - it certainly had the potential to make me feel worse. Although I no longer seethe with white hot rage for her, I don't forgive her, and I'm not sure I want to.

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 6 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two toddlers) into R. Happy.

posts: 986   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8756382
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SadieMae ( member #42986) posted at 6:30 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

I never received an apology from the OW. She went on to continue cheating on her husband... an apology from her wouldn't be worth the air it took for her to make it.

On the other hand, the fact that my husband could behave the way he did still bugs me. I do feel he owes a debt to the OBS.

Me: BW 40 on DDAY
Him: WH 40 on DDAY (FlawedBroken)
Together over half our lives.
D-day 3/9/2014
TT until 6/2016
TT again Fall 2020

posts: 1256   ·   registered: Apr. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: Sweet Tea in the Shade
id 8756398
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 ZDZD (original poster new member #80814) posted at 6:52 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

On the other hand, the fact that my husband could behave the way he did still bugs me. I do feel he owes a debt to the OBS.

SadiMae, how has this affected your recovery? To me, the fact that my WW cheated is somehow less of a deal than the fact that she betrayed her and my close friend. I could (even though I shouldn't) somehow rationalise that we had our issues and she was unhappy, but the friend has done nothing wrong at all.

[This message edited by ZDZD at 6:53 PM, Wednesday, September 21st]

Me: the BH
Her: the xWW
Married for 10y, together for 15y, 2 children
AP, OBW close friends of many yearsCurrently divorcing.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2022
id 8756404
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numb&dumb ( member #28542) posted at 6:56 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

I think that a lot of BS assume that their WS should make amends to everyone impacted and it is not a stretch to think that they assume that extends to OBS. Heck maybe this was OBS way of making him crawl across glass to ptove his commitment or maybe an attempy to retain you as a friend. At any rate I don't think this was done for your benefit. It was likely done for OBS's.

Honestly, I don't think you should let this take up too much headspace right now. Unless you plan on keeping in touch with them . . .which would hurt you more than it helps. KWIM? Some things just can't be put back together in the same way when they are broken.

No contact equals no new hurts.

Dday 8/31/11. EA/PA. Lied to for 3 years.

Bring it, life. I am ready for you.

posts: 5043   ·   registered: May. 17th, 2010
id 8756406
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 7:29 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

At the time NC was established OM apologized to my wife, myself, and my whole family. My wife did likewise to OBS and their family when establishing NC.

Haven't heard anything since.

I know that there are differing opinions on the topic of blame and anger for the AP. Generally I say, "AP doesn't owe you anything". In your case, AP is a family friend and did owe you something. It may not have been a wedding vow, but I think that everyone agrees there is a societal agreement that you don't fuck your buddy's wife. Even if you are a skeevy bastard that looks for NSA sex with married people, you don't fuck your buddy's wife.

So you, more than most people, kind of are owed an apology by OM. And maybe not just to ease his conscience.

You don't have to accept his apology. You don't have to forgive him (and by your telling, he hasn't really done anything to earn your forgiveness).

OBS also said in another conversation that he was not to blame for my M to dissolve, it's between me and WW.

This is sort of true. If your WW had cheated with someone else, it likely would still have been a deal breaker for you. That said, I think it requires Olympic level compartmentalization skills though to say that although he knowingly did something that would hurt you very badly as your friend, he is not to blame for it also causing the end of your marriage.

If you are for any reason still in contact with OM/OBS and want to have some path to forgiveness, I highly recommend Janis Spring's "How Can I Forgive You".

If you are just cutting them out of your life, the right response might be to say, "Hey, remember when you apologized to me and I seemed to listen to you and thank you for the apology? I also need to get something off my chest. The reality is that I don't accept your apology, and you worked to ruin my marriage. You are kind of a piece of shit that I never want to see again." Then go no contact.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2091   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8756411
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 ZDZD (original poster new member #80814) posted at 7:55 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

You don't have to accept his apology. You don't have to forgive him (and by your telling, he hasn't really done anything to earn your forgiveness).

I'm not even sure what exactly he can do to earn my forgiveness. Tbh, this has become worse in a different way. I am NC with him, but his wife is a friend. Since they started R, I am an occasional recipient of statements like "If you didn't help me find a job, I would not get carried away with it and he wouldn't cheat". So I'm losing a friend as well now. I'm not ready to cut her off completely, but with another statement like that I think I'll have to.

Me: the BH
Her: the xWW
Married for 10y, together for 15y, 2 children
AP, OBW close friends of many yearsCurrently divorcing.

posts: 6   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2022
id 8756415
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Hopeful0729 ( new member #67614) posted at 9:18 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

The AP in my situation was the one that busted everything wide open. Called me up and told me about the affair. I knew her as a COW of my husband and we had been friendly but not friends. She had sent me a cryptic text about how I don't "know everything"- I had caught them texting the week before and went apoplectic- damn how I wish it had only been texts! So she gave him a chance to come clean and his response was that she is a crazy liar. Definitely crazy! So after her confession, she apologized profusely and said she didn't mean to hurt me barf She was (is) single so no OBS to report to. I think that's one of the reasons she actually told me, no repercussions for her besides to her own shitty self. I do agree it didn't help me at all, but I did get a chance to tell her everything I thought of her personally.

Me 42
WH 59
4 kids
D-day 8/27/18
Working on R
WH had a 2-week PA with former COW

posts: 21   ·   registered: Oct. 24th, 2018   ·   location: VA
id 8756426
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 9:19 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

OM was a stranger in a bar, he was a Divorced BH and my WW was not honest with him about our M. She told him we were IHS, I was seeing other people waiting for D.

When he got the truth on Dday he messaged me and told me how sorry he was, he would never contact or accept contact from her again. He kept his word.


It really helped take him out of the equation, I did have some early self esteem comparisons but really he was nothing like she would be attracted to. It also helped me not have red hot rage / hatred towards him.

So I’m thankful for the contact and I put the blame squarely on my WW and it eliminates this obsession over OM.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

posts: 1795   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8756427
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 9:35 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

I wasn't suggesting that it was possible for him to earn forgiveness. It's that genuine forgiveness (if possible) has to be earned.

You don't have to send anything back if you are already NC, of course. No point in opening a wound unnecessarily.

"If you didn't help me find a job, I would not get carried away with it and he wouldn't cheat"

As for OBS, I think she is not handling things very well. The idea that her actions contributed to her husband cheating is accepting blameshifting and isn't going to work out for her long term.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2091   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8756430
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 9:44 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

Since they started R, I am an occasional recipient of statements like "If you didn't help me find a job, I would not get carried away with it and he wouldn't cheat".

Oooof. So she's suggesting that the A is YOUR fault (rather than his) because you helped her get a job and if she had remained unemployed he somehow magically would not have cheated? Um.... that's some seriously impressive mental gymnastics she's doing over there.

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 6 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two toddlers) into R. Happy.

posts: 986   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8756433
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BreakingBad ( member #75779) posted at 10:17 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

In general,I don't think apologies long after discovery are helpful. I would rather see the AP put in the work to really change and quit messing with committed partners
...or I'd like to know they got some karma.

What I experienced was exceptional:
1st OW I discovered apologized and meant it. But she was single. It was all online and my fWH catfished her. (She thought he was single.) Odd to say, but she was awesome and provided screenshots so that he'd quit gaslighting me, texted me the next day to check in on me & apologize again, and a year later agreed to a phone call with me where I asked several questions that helped verify my fWH's timeline and storyline with her.

Another online OW also apolized. She was single, but knew he was married. She apologized briefly and then minimized her part. rolleyes

The longterm AP (coworker) who 1) knew he was married with kids and 2) had met me (I was one of her son's high school teachers) not only never apologized, she never admitted to it. My fWH told me way more about their longterm EA/online PA than she ever admitted and more than I ever discovered with my own sleuthing.

I don't ever want an apology from that longterm AP. I just want her to 1) suffer and 2) change.

I do think she suffers, because her life is almost always chaos and high drama. I always think that she is her own worst punishment since she is a miserable person. But I highly doubt she'll change. I think she lacks the capacity.

"Don't you love it, don't you love it?
No, I ain't happy yet.
But I'm way less sad."[Credit to group AJR]

Me=BW; fWH=online affairs with 3 APs over 2.5-3 yrs
Both in IC & MC
Married 31 yrs now
2 kids-both in HS
Attempting R

posts: 215   ·   registered: Oct. 31st, 2020
id 8756441
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