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Wayward Side :
Listen up wayward spouses

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 Mrmbc0382 (original poster new member #80252) posted at 12:44 AM on Saturday, September 17th, 2022

Things I've realized about my own situation

As a WS myself I'm still learning and thought about sharing something I never believed I was doing. Gaslighting. To truly understand gaslighting remove yourself from the equation and take time to really see the person in front of you. Become them.

When my BS found out about my on and off sexual affair with my AP I did everything I thought I could to lessen the blow for her. I hid truths, details, feelings at the time, and lessened my patience.

I was caught and I ended the affair without providing her the proof. Even when I thought I was being pro-active I was being selfish. She deserved to see the proof. She deserved honesty. Honestly she deserved better than who I was, been, or had become.

One year D day is approaching. I have apologized relentlessly and done some work on myself. I recently learned that promises and begging for forgiveness/another chance is a gaslighting fire you don't want to engulf your BS in. I understand your logic with begging and or promising especially if you mean it, but look at it from the BS point of view......

They have been made promises before. They have forgiven before. They have been begged for a second chance and guess what those were met with empty results. Begging and promising doesn't require work. It is a way to make yourself feel more comfortable when in reality you need to sit in your own mess. It also takes your BS back to a time where they were the ones sacrificing how they felt to make you feel better. Now they are betrayed once again.

You said you were going to never do this or do that again and yet here we are.....again. so if you did the opposite then what makes the BS think you won't do it again? Your track record speaks for itself. I encourage you today waywards to stop making promises and instead make progress. Make progress in your own life so you can actually be what you say you're going to be. You created a horrible life that multiple lives have to live there is no reason to make promises because if you don't come through then it's another set back for your BS and yourself.

It has taken me years to actually figure out that promises and begging for forgiveness make my BS feel so many unnecessary emotions. I've already put her through so much so why add to it? To make yourself feel like you are doing the work necessary? You're actually setting yourself up for all the emotions and reasons you looked outside of your relationship. More so you aren't respecting the BS.

Listen to them even when it's hurtful. They are actually sharing the information necessary for you. Some say knowledge is power but knowledge is actually growth and us wayward spouses need to grow up.

[This message edited by Mrmbc0382 at 12:47 PM, Saturday, September 17th]

posts: 1   ·   registered: Apr. 23rd, 2022
id 8755679
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SI Staff ( Moderator #10) posted at 1:00 AM on Saturday, September 17th, 2022

  Moving to Wayward Side

posts: 10009   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2002
id 8755681
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WTDIEC ( new member #80750) posted at 5:31 PM on Saturday, September 17th, 2022

You said you were going to never do this or do that again and yet here we are.....again. so if you did the opposite then what makes the BS think you won't do it again? Your track record speaks for itself.

This one hit hard. My BH has said "heard that before" but only after reading the way you have put it did I go
"Fuck that's it isn't it?"

Some say knowledge is power but knowledge is actually growth and us wayward spouses need to grow up.


This hurts to hear and even I can get very emotional when BH has said similar things. Which I'm only just starting to see causes BH more hurt.

Thank you for this insight

WW: WTDIEC (early 30's)
BH: RustyPuff (early 30's)
Together: 17 years
Children: 3 Girls 2 Boys
D-Day: June 21 2022
Still learning
Timeline in my story

posts: 26   ·   registered: Aug. 28th, 2022   ·   location: Australia
id 8755752
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Tanner ( member #72235) posted at 2:06 AM on Sunday, September 18th, 2022

Thank you Mrmbc0382, you get it. As a BH I can understand the lies during the A. I can understand lying to cover your tracks and keep your secret. Infidelity is built on lies.

Lies after Dday are the absolute worst. You’ve been caught, and say "let’s work this out", then TT for months? So many times my WW would say "Ok ok, you can trust me now". Then more TT would come out. I didn’t believe anything she said. When I finally decided to D and expose her to everyone, then she was ready to get real.

The BS has a picture in their head of what happened, don’t use the excuse that you are protecting your BS by not telling the details, no you aren’t thinking of the BS you are trying to protect yourself. Those details are everything to the BS and they need to process them over and over and over again.

My WW apologies were so hollow, she said I’m sorry 1000 times and meh. Didn’t mean much. The day she came to me and said "thank you for not giving up, thank you for giving me the time to get my head right". That meant more than 1000 apologies. That was the day she became real.

Dday Sept 7 2019 doing well in R
BH M 31 years

posts: 1795   ·   registered: Dec. 5th, 2019   ·   location: Texas DFW
id 8755796
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