Things I've realized about my own situation
As a WS myself I'm still learning and thought about sharing something I never believed I was doing. Gaslighting. To truly understand gaslighting remove yourself from the equation and take time to really see the person in front of you. Become them.
When my BS found out about my on and off sexual affair with my AP I did everything I thought I could to lessen the blow for her. I hid truths, details, feelings at the time, and lessened my patience.
I was caught and I ended the affair without providing her the proof. Even when I thought I was being pro-active I was being selfish. She deserved to see the proof. She deserved honesty. Honestly she deserved better than who I was, been, or had become.
One year D day is approaching. I have apologized relentlessly and done some work on myself. I recently learned that promises and begging for forgiveness/another chance is a gaslighting fire you don't want to engulf your BS in. I understand your logic with begging and or promising especially if you mean it, but look at it from the BS point of view......
They have been made promises before. They have forgiven before. They have been begged for a second chance and guess what those were met with empty results. Begging and promising doesn't require work. It is a way to make yourself feel more comfortable when in reality you need to sit in your own mess. It also takes your BS back to a time where they were the ones sacrificing how they felt to make you feel better. Now they are betrayed once again.
You said you were going to never do this or do that again and yet here we are.....again. so if you did the opposite then what makes the BS think you won't do it again? Your track record speaks for itself. I encourage you today waywards to stop making promises and instead make progress. Make progress in your own life so you can actually be what you say you're going to be. You created a horrible life that multiple lives have to live there is no reason to make promises because if you don't come through then it's another set back for your BS and yourself.
It has taken me years to actually figure out that promises and begging for forgiveness make my BS feel so many unnecessary emotions. I've already put her through so much so why add to it? To make yourself feel like you are doing the work necessary? You're actually setting yourself up for all the emotions and reasons you looked outside of your relationship. More so you aren't respecting the BS.
Listen to them even when it's hurtful. They are actually sharing the information necessary for you. Some say knowledge is power but knowledge is actually growth and us wayward spouses need to grow up.
[This message edited by Mrmbc0382 at 12:47 PM, Saturday, September 17th]