I'm broken and it broke BH
Unrelated to my cheating.
I cheated it was selfish, I broke, betrayed and lied to my BH. That's on me.
This post will probably be everywhere please bear with me.
Somehow I know I'm broken. I don't know if it's something that's wrong with me or if I'm just an asshole.
I want help for it. Therapy doesn't seem to help at all and I really want it to help. I'm at the point where I'm beginning to think the only thing that could fix me is medication but I'm scared it will change me completely and BH won't ever want to talk to me.
We discovered I was 10 weeks pregnant 14 weeks after DD, it is BH's I was never physical with anyone else. I emotionally cheated which was probably worse than if it was physical. That's not helping our situation. The hormones and the pregnancy mood swings are making things harder for both of us. Much harder for BH than me.
We have talked and argued a lot and I am starting to realise that everything we talked about before I cheated had been talked about a lot but I never seemed to remember them.
Just today BH was telling me things I thought he had never told me. Yet BH has told me we have talked about it and similar things many times.
I am unsure what to do about it. Why can't I remember? It's has contributed to BH not feeling like he is able to talk to me.
We have 5 other kids but only two in our custody. Long story will answer questions about it.
The more I can't remember something the more it hurts BH. I want to be someone else. Someone who has never been abusive, a liar, a cheat. Someone BH wants to show love to.
I've never felt I deserved love and that is nones fault but my own.
There is something broken and wrong with me at my core. We have a super low income and can't afford private healthcare and the public healthcare is full of 18 month+ wait lists.
What am I supposed to do.
I can't move out or leave. It will just hurt BH more and make him think I'm off getting fucked by someone else.
I can't talk to BH because I don't deserve for him to care about my feelings.
I'm trying my best to be there for him but how can I do that when I'm starting to realise that I don't even know what is real.
I betrayed and hurt BH in the worst way and only time will tell how that will work out.
Will we stay together or separate? I don't know. That's not my decision, I caused the pain BH is going through all I can do is respect his decision and be honest with him.
Please help me? I want to be better.
I'm broken and I broke BH. I broke him years before I cheated
7 comments posted: Thursday, February 2nd, 2023
Should I fake it?
Apart from when I Cheated. I have only ever done anything sexually with my BH.
I now only do anything sexual with my BH I never masterbate. I don't get horny unless I'm with BH. How TF am I supposed to make BH his sexy videos if I don't even feel sexual unless BH is right there next to me??????
I have told BH he can record me/us whenever he wants. It's not good enough.
I refuse to ever fake it with BH. I faked it with AP. But never with BH.
Should I fake it to make BH happy?
Am I supposed to have nothing forever?
Am I supposed to give everything and never get anything until the day I die?
45 comments posted: Thursday, September 29th, 2022
Today has been emotionally everywhere for me and BH.
We argued once again because of my poor emotional management and my pure selfishness.
Today is the first day since D-Day that I have admitted out loud and to myself that I was purely selfish with my A. I have just read HTHYSHFYA for the 3rd time and it has finally started to "click"
Since the day BH found out I have been defensive and outright emotionally abusive.
I could not comes to terms with what I had done to BH and how badly I betrayed BH, hurt BH and lost all BH's trust.
I don't deserve a man as loyal and trustworthy as BH. I want to show BH he is my world and I only want BH. We are still at square one but that is ok.
I will continue to be truthful.
Up until today I was defensive, selfish, uncaring and evasive to BH's feelings and questions
Everything up until now has only hurt BH even more and kept the hurt and betrayal of the A fresh as of I had just done it to BH.
All of the "tough love", helpful comments and even the harsh ones have helped me to come to this realisation.
I have written a daily reminder to myself as a start for me to change my perspective from myself to BH.
I was Deceitful, I was selfish, I was abusive, I gaslight and I deflected.
Now I have to change from me and I to BH and Us. There is no I as that is what made me act so selfishly and have the A.
1 comment posted: Monday, September 26th, 2022
Should I fake it? (moved to Wayward Side)
This Topic has been moved to Wayward Side
0 comment posted: Saturday, September 24th, 2022
Vent things bh says to me.
Deleted. Wrong title.
0 comment posted: Friday, September 16th, 2022
I know it's only been 2 months and I should just accept that this is how things are. Everything was all online. We are in different countries. (Opposite sides of the world)
I fucked up, I cheated, I lied to AP about BH, I did things that fucking suck for BH. I have been and are completely honest with BH
I have given BH everything I can but I deleted a lot of texts to and from AP some I deleted myself and some were messages that self deleted after being read. Which means there isn't much physical evidence I can give. This is causing major hurt for BH. My memory is shit and I am working on a detailed timeline. Yet there is still only so much I can write as I don't Remember exact wording, also add in the fact that 99% of my sexting replies were emojis it makes me look like I'm still lying or that there was more to it.
I took some sexy pictures of myself that I made because of AP. They were not FOR AP, I can see how everyone here would see it that way and how BH can also see it that way. I have told BH EVERYTHING even things I never wanted to tell.
BH blames himself but it was my fault. I had the A I caused the issues we have now.
I have many demons and personal issues, ASD and possible BPD on top of those as well.
BH has tried for 17 years to help me with these. I think I needed therapy for it years ago but never went as hearing BH's negative views on therapy had me thinking he wouldn't be supportive of me going to therapy.
I kept bring up him not sexting me as a way to deflect from him reminding me that I didn't take videos and pictures of myself FOR him. As much as I did because of AP. Reminder AP never seen any of these.
I have therapy next week, some group therapy sessions for people with my past issues. I can't help but feel as if nothing I say will ever be believed because I can't give all the evidence BH wants. I can only be honest. I see that to him and probably all the other BS in here that they are just words.
Is there anything other than repeating the honest truth, the timeline, a poly,no sex, doing as he requests, getting IC, learning empathy, and trying to understand (I'm not good at understanding others in general) that I could be doing/saying/showing?
I'm at a loss all I want to do is help BH and not make BH feel he need to help/fix me.
Timeline is in my profile
5 comments posted: Wednesday, August 31st, 2022
What to do......
I emotionally and virtually cheated on my BH. The A lasted max a week, I had been talking to AP since March and by June had started lying about BH to AP whenever BH and I had an argument (which usually started because of me). I sexted AP twice that my BH did not know about. I sent him 2 videos (BH knew about the videos BH was the one filming) and there was 1 video chat (BH was there for the start of that but left the room). I did not realise it had become an emotional affair. BH has since told me and I quote "I only went along with it because you had already been arguing with me about it and you already chose him over me, so I felt if I didnt you were going to do it anyway, which you did anyway". I did this to BH.
I had told BH about A before anything sexual had happened, I had not even realised that by then it was already an EA. BH found some pics/vids I had made for myself and hidden away about 24 hours after the sexual A had ended. I was still talking to AP which I see now that I should've stopped talking to AP as soon as the sexual A stopped. I was selfish and only thinking of myself. I didn't stop talking to AP until about 3 weeks after D-Day. Which has caused even more difficulties for BH.
I thought AP was just a good friend that was until it became sexual, I still did not beleive it to be emotional only sexual. I'm an idiot. I did not and do not love AP yet i did feel as if AP got me. Turns out AP is just a two faced prick.
I have a ton of self hatred and shame over it. It feels like BH loves to remind me of it any chance BH can. If i have a negative emotion BH reminds me what I did to him. Which just makes me feel like I am not allowed to feel anything because I hurt BH and because of me hurting BH I am not allowed to feel anything. BH is what matters. I shouldn't care about me. I hurt BH. with all my self hate I keep hurting myself (throwing myself into walls, hitting my head, biting myself, trying to kill myself), I lied about BH to the AP, I lied about our home life. I have said nasty things to BH during and after the A. I was on Birth Control for over a decade, it fucked with my head, it fucked with my libito and it fucked with my perception of the world, in turn it had messed with BH as well
I have blocked AP and do not speak to AP. I have given BH all my passwords, access to everything, spend every possible moment with BH, I only do things I think BH won't get dissappointed or feel left out of. I give BH every part of me and it seems to making my control I once had over my negative emotions almost non-existant. I seem to loose my control every 2-3 days. I think I'm loosing my mind. I know I need help. I feel selfish trying to get help. I hurt BH he needs me to prove I love BH and trust BH and only BH. What I want or think I need should never come before BH. This particular one tends to lead to BH saying that he deosnt deserve anything and to forget about him.
I have always metally put my day into blocks of what that day will consist of. BH and I keep arguing as we have not spoken about having a set time or block of each day or couple days where we talk about what I did and how it affects BH. I have issues understanding what is being said and BH isnt great at explaining feelings, this had also led to arguments before and after the A. Yet much more often after A then before
I will never forget or forgive myself for cheating on BH, how I hurt BH, how I betrayed BH and how I continued to do it even when I knew BH was against it.
I will always feel like I need to prove that I won't ever do anything like that or push something on BH again.
I hurt BH in the worst way and I'll never be able to take it back. It is always going to be in my head. NOTHING justifies it. There was no excuse for it.
Even if BH forgives me it's always going to be there. BH won't forget and I don't expect him to. God I will never forget. I was so horrible, I betrayed and hurt BH in the worst way.
I don't think I'll ever be the same again. It's just not going to be something I will ever forgive myself for. I can't and never will be able to.
I am constanly feeling shame for what I have done. BH is hurt, betrayed, confused, questioning, and everything he could feel all because of me and what I did to him. Yet I can't answer or explain much as I don't have the answers myself. I think it was lack of control, feeling unwanted (not true, my head likes to fuck with me). Instead of trying to talk to BH about everything I pushed it aside and ignored it. It has been what I have done for as long as I can remember.
BH says I don't have to prove myself and that everything else "good" outweighs what I did, This so far has been proven completely wrong. I get in a depressive or self loathing mood and this is what BH says to me: I'm just a liar, a whore, a bitch, a cheater, a pyscopath, deranged, a narcissist, calls me my mother (which is a whole different ball game) and purposely hurting BH and our children
I have had issues with emotions and expressing them as anger since i was a child. Ever since D-Day I can't seem to go more than 2 days without exploding at everyone or feeling so depressed ad it effects everyone around me. I try my hardest not to react to BH's sadness, betrayl, hurt or anger. I am still working on this. Yet because I still react to his pain BH has said that it "feels like I am not allowed anger only you".
Now I am not sure why I'm posting. I have read the self help posts yet not one talks about how to do them when combined with ASD and possible BPD....... We also have some other compounding issues. Essentially apart from BH the only other thing that kept me grounded and sane has been ripped away and it has torn me to peices and BH. With this out of our hands issue now my head is freaking out on me and it is hurting BH and those around me. I know for a fact that my loss of control over my emotions is due to this issue and would still exist even if I had never cheated.
BH is always sending me links to help me with being able to help him. Unfortunately BH will almost immediately backtrack and say "if you even care"
So I guess what I'm asking here is what can I do to improve the way I am so I can help BH
There is much more info, This is just a small summary. there is tons and tons more.
Side note: AP is in America I am in Australia Everything was all online only. Blocked AP everywhere
6 comments posted: Monday, August 29th, 2022