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Newest Member: trustingyou

New Beginnings :
Single does not always feel good

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 716dayslost (original poster member #11536) posted at 3:06 AM on Monday, August 22nd, 2022

It has been a while since I have visited SI.
I don't mean bring negativity to a positive forum, but that how I am feeling. My attempts at finding a woman to share life with have been unproductive. I had one 3 year relationship since my D, but single for over 4 years now. I had some hope this summer twice with new women friends, but neither one felt the same for me.

I have read the data and how being a single male my age is extremely detrimental to my health. I have tried to also live my best life with travel and other activities. A female friend says I would be a great catch and check all the boxes (but maybe she is just being supportive). I am extremely open minded, but I am not going to settle for anyone just to avoid loneliness. But it feels like I still want a woman who wants me too. Is that so wrong?

I am a person of faith and pray on this a lot but also give it to God as well. The thing is I just don't know what my future holds. This is just a vent I needed to have. I do not want to sound discouraging to anyone single, but would say to keep trying.
Blessing to all the SI people. Thanks

You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I'll stand my ground and I won't back down

posts: 1604   ·   registered: Aug. 2nd, 2006   ·   location: New York
id 8751422
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 3:31 AM on Monday, August 22nd, 2022

No, it's not so wrong. I'm also a person of faith, and am a little afraid of dating because I haven't dated in 35+ years. I'd rather spend years without being unequally yoked than with the wrong partner again.

While there might be benefits to being married or have a SO, but it may be detrimental to your health to be in a relationship with the wrong person.

Still, I worry - who will find my body when I pass away and will I be lying there a long time.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1334   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8751424
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 716dayslost (original poster member #11536) posted at 3:50 AM on Monday, August 22nd, 2022

Thanks, and yes I have stayed away from potentially toxic women. In fact, that broke down my one post D relationship due to her lifestyle and issues. I actually stayed too long because I was trying to help her.
I actually have known a few single men about my age that were found to have dies alone. Each time it has happened I wonder fi I am next?
I do enjoy life, and travel alone a lot. I have been to more places than any of my married friends. Yet I face scrutiny being single. Why are you going alone? You should take someone with you. same thing if I go to a concert or an event alone. I have been told that going alone is wrong. Just things we deal with I guess.

You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I'll stand my ground and I won't back down

posts: 1604   ·   registered: Aug. 2nd, 2006   ·   location: New York
id 8751426
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devotedman ( member #45441) posted at 2:35 PM on Monday, August 22nd, 2022

Don't forget that whatever someone says about us says far more about them than it does about us.

Is someone suggests that you should be traveling with someone else that's because that's what they'd be doing. To them that's right.

Doesn't mean that that is what is right for you.

Just like we shouldn't take to heart the critical words of a WS, we also shouldn't take to heart the critical words of a friend, family member, or a random stranger. Not without careful consideration, anyway. Unsolicited criticism least of all

Me: 2xBS b 1962 xWW after 2 decades, xWGF after almost 1.
Amelia Pond: Who are you?
The Doctor: I don't know yet. I'm still cooking.
ENFP-A. Huh.

posts: 5144   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2014   ·   location: Central USA
id 8751456
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 716dayslost (original poster member #11536) posted at 2:13 AM on Tuesday, August 23rd, 2022

Devotedman, Thank you and I am aware of that. I do not let it stop me or take offense. People get offended too easily. I worded that wrong as the people are not trying to hurt me or be harsh. To them it is just odd behavior. In some ways they likely are jealous and wish they had that independence.
No, I am my harshest critic, and the sharpest spears that I take come from my own thoughts.

You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down
In a world that keeps on pushin' me around
But I'll stand my ground and I won't back down

posts: 1604   ·   registered: Aug. 2nd, 2006   ·   location: New York
id 8751549
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 3:38 AM on Tuesday, August 23rd, 2022

I like going by myself because I'm enjoying my freedom. Do things on my own schedule.

The people who have said something similar to me don't like being by themselves.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1334   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8751560
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Healershaman ( new member #71482) posted at 3:07 AM on Monday, August 29th, 2022

@716dayslost
wanting reciprocation makes total sense. When I see my former's online dating profile and her claims that ring false to me, I wonder how many other are projecting a person they want to be rather than than the person they are in fact. Takes guts to keep trying despite bouncing up against frogs. I don't know how many frogs have to be kissed before we find the person of our dreams, but being in my 60s, I don't see the game quite the same as in my 20's. While I might die without a spouse, I don't worry about being alone at my death. I have children, family of origin, and very dear friends (some since birth, some since kindergarten) so I don't worry about dying alone. Frankly, if I die alone skydiving, or get eaten by grizzly bears on a hunting trip in Montana, who cares! I'll go with my hair on fire!

You say you're a person of faith. So get yourself right with your creator, and surrender your desires to that higher power. Remember, the greatest commandment is to love your neighbor as yourself (it's a conditional statement - you have to love yourself in order to love your neighbor equally). So be patient, love yourself, don't judge and keep swinging the bat: eventually you'll hit a home run (though it may not be defined in the same way you define a home run now). Best.
HS

posts: 31   ·   registered: Sep. 5th, 2019   ·   location: New England
id 8752769
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Maxwell354 ( member #79092) posted at 1:34 AM on Thursday, September 1st, 2022

I haven’t been on here for a while myself and came back to say exactly what you’re saying…I feel you. My timeline is shorter (found out July last year, quick D and single by 9/30). So I haven’t been single all that long but man the loneliness has become intense.

I am in the best physical shape I’ve been in for 15 years but I can just feel my mental health eroding some days in a way I haven’t experienced before. Friends and family have all been great but as much as I love them, that only goes so far.

Also I’ve learned online dating is the worst. It represents many of the worst parts of social media.

[This message edited by Maxwell354 at 1:35 AM, Thursday, September 1st]

posts: 82   ·   registered: Jul. 8th, 2021
id 8753266
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truthsetmefree ( member #7168) posted at 12:50 AM on Thursday, September 8th, 2022

Still, I worry - who will find my body when I pass away and will I be lying there a long time.

This is why I (quasi) jokingly tell my adult children they need to check on me. They will have to be the ones to deal with that and resolve it - because it’s not going to matter to me. laugh duh

And while I’m trying to add some levity to the topic, the truth really does have some merit in the situation: how much do the things about us being single REALLY matter? How much of them are actually issues vs how much are based on what we perceive being single says about us? I’ve personally found that to be convoluted on the surface. Deeper introspection answers - "not much of them really matter".

But aside from all that the one thing I am really learning is that, no matter my current situation, there is something about it that I will miss when/if it’s gone. Rather than building air castles - or worse, grieving that I can’t actually live in them - happiness is much easier to find by focusing on blessings *in the moment*. There are a gazillion reasons that I can give you for being grateful you are single - but they won’t become blessings until you *first* become grateful. Gratitude is the key. ❤️

Hope has two beautiful daughters; their names are Anger and Courage. Anger at the way things are, and Courage to see that they do not remain as they are. ~ Augustine of Hippo

posts: 8913   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2005
id 8754278
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Anna123 ( member #70908) posted at 2:42 PM on Thursday, September 8th, 2022

^^^^^^^^^ Ditto everything just said.

The dying alone as a plus of partnering up thing perplexes me to no end. 50% of married people die alone. To fear for that reason, and let it detract from current life, doesn't add up.

Also, the odds on the single man not living as long, I am wondering if it doesn't include men who were divorced from women who betrayed them. You are a different type of person than a man who chooses from day one to be single, assuming you don't let being single bring on new thought patterns that negatively affect you.

You are a valuable commodity, and as you said, not willing to just partner up for that purpose alone. I have come to notice so many people do partner up out of fear of being alone, and create all sorts of new issues they now do NOT control, unlike the issues that arise when we are single, which we have so much more control over dealing with. Stick to your guns and either the right partner will come into your life, or you will live single if that is what is meant to be, maybe dodging a bullet you don't know about.

Take care

posts: 676   ·   registered: Jul. 1st, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8754332
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Solarchick ( member #80222) posted at 3:56 AM on Friday, September 9th, 2022

I remarried because I didn't want to die old and alone. But what I didn't realize at the time was that I'd have to actually LIVE with that man until that time came. So we divorced. Now I know that I'd rather die alone and happy than with someone that I struggled with every day.

If I end up with someone again, it will be because he is WORTH all of the autonomy and freedom that I give up by being in a relationship.

Plus, when you get closer to the end, and it is more than just an abstract fear that you'll die alone, you have the option to move into a retirement community so you have others around and you won't be found a week later, half-eaten by your cat (or dog, parrot, iguana, etc.).

Let go and let God. He's better at picking the right person for you anyway. Ah, omnipotence. I wish I could have it even for one moment.

Me: BW, 56, two awesome grown sons. Remarried in 2010. That lasted 11 years.WXH: Not even a blip on my radar anymore. I'm glad he's messing up the OW's life now and leaving me alone. D (with cause) in 2004.

posts: 91   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Hilton Head, SC
id 8754471
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Crazytrain101 ( member #48200) posted at 5:31 PM on Friday, September 23rd, 2022

716dayslost,
I understand your fear/predicament. I'll be finding myself in the same boat, what is being single in this world look like exactly? I've been married all my adult life--will I trust someone, will I be attractive as someone whose gone through this crazy mess, is there anyone even out there normal, or even driven by the same faith?!?!?

Questions about growing old and alone? Can I fill my life with enough distractions to be okay without a significant other? The questions and doubts are endless.

I think it's normal to WANT to be attached to a part of a couple. We live in a world of couples.

Keep the faith

6 years ago-found out he was a serial cheater
Reconciled-2015
Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again
Heading to Divorce

posts: 1742   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8756779
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