SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I've been thinking about posting this for a while and decided to take the plunge.

I'd like to hear from others about 'lessons learned' from life experiences, good and bad. Some things, the bad ones, we tend to bury and try to dismiss.

I have one such incident that it's hard to let go of. As a very young woman, age 20, I went for my first female physical. I needed this ahead of marriage in order to get on birth control. I was still in under grad and didn't want to think about having children yet. I went to a well-know doctor that was recommended by one of my Mom's friends. He was from a family of well-known doctors as his father and brother were both doctors, specializing in different areas. Of course I was nervous as I'd never had that type of exam previously. After the exam, which was quick, he sent the nurse out of the room and started to talk to me about marriage, sex and 'satisfying my future husband.' I was VERY uncomfortable with his tone and conversation. THEN he took my feet (I had on socks) and pressed them against his genitals as he stood at the end of the exam table - and held them there and was moving his lower body around. I was try to get lose from him to get up and finally did but it seemed like a long time. I was absolutely horrified, didn't tell ANYONE, not even my mother - and I don't know WHY I didn't tell anyone. I almost felt it was my fault for giving him such access to my body.

Now I sure don't feel that way. If anyone tried that with me now, they'd find themselves being kicked very hard and my scream would deafen them. After ALL these years I am STILL furious at that man. It's too bad he's dead or I might make an issue about it after all these years. He was well known - and went on to write several best selling fiction novels in the style of Harold Robbins - sexy books with some murders and mystery tossed in.

So it took a long time to learn THIS lesson to never remain silent about sexual abuse, no matter how small it seemed at the time. So that was a bad life experience that at LEAST made me determined to not allow anything like that to happen to me again - and like many here I have had my share of other sexual harassment, but I am NEVER quiet about it.

Life lesson learned.

Ugh I’m so sorry this happened to you. I will never understand the entitlement factor that goes with certain levels of behavior and abuse. Just reading this, it jumped out at me that this guy felt like he had a right to do so, which is complete bullshit. Is this person still out and about? Maybe you can speak up to people that go to that office or possibly do a review online if this person is still active as a doctor. You’re likely not the only one.

I think back then, we didn't tell anyone about these kinds of experiences because the quip would be, "Well, what did you do to encourage this behavior?"

I think this has changed these days, I really hope so.

I had two incidences of sexual harassment that I never told my parents about. When I was in high school, I used to walk to my job; I had to walk down a particular street with some townhouses, and several times, while walking on the sidewalk, I'd hear a door open, look to see who it was, and there'd be a man there in his doorway, exposing himself to me. It really freaked me out, and I never told anyone. I truly thought if I told my parents, they'd make me quit my job, which I didn't want to do. So I kept it to myself, not realizing this was sexual harassment.

When I was in college (and sexually active), I was raped by a guy who'd I'd dated, but was then on a more 'friends with benefits' basis. I'd decided I'd had enough of that, and didn't want to do this anymore. That rape led to a pregnancy, which I terminated. But I never told my parents because then I'd have to admit that we'd had a sexual relationship, which they would HIGHLY disapprove of, and probably blame me for the rape. If I'd told my parents any of this, they would have likely disowned me. So I kept it from them.

Isn't it a shame that we had to keep all these secrets for fear of being blamed?

As an adult, in therapy I learned that these were forms of sexual abuse, and I began to understand situations where I needed to speak up, no matter what the consequences. So yea, a life lesson from crappy experiences. I don't wish this on any young woman who fears being honest with their parents.

I think this will be a good thread.

Deena, that so-called DOCTOR is dead. When I read his obit, I was happy to see he was gone. But he went out with all sorts of praise and worship as he was SO successful as an author on the NY Times best selling list -- AND even his former patients wrote wonderful things about him. I have always wondered if I was the only one he abused. Probably not.

Number4, so sorry you had that bad life experience.

To show how I learned from that ONE bad incident, I will tell about this event. My daughter was a newborn. One night I went to the local laundry because my washer needed repair. It was night. I was the only one in the laundry. As I was loading my laundry in my car, I looked up to see a guy standing by the corner of the building with his pants pushed down, exposing himself. It shocked me and as I was getting in my car, he quickly pulled up his pants and came fast to my car door. I quickly locked it and put the car in reverse and RAN OVER HIS FOOT! I didn't have a cell phone but I called the police as soon as I got home and filed a report. A couple of weeks later I SEE this guy with a boot CAST on his foot, riding a small motor scooter and I flagged down an officer and he got arrested. I testified against him and he got sent to jail for a year! Seems he had committed the same acts previously and was on probation. I actually enjoyed going to court against him.

Hoo, boy!

Yeah I can go for a while on this topic.

Things that should have scared me but didn’t:

When I was 15 or 16 I was staying at my grandmother’s and one of my cousins was there as well. Very rural area. The roads were paved but there was very little traffic and the closest neighbors who weren’t family were half a mile away. My cousin K and I were going to walk to “town” which consisted of a gas station and a tiny grocery store about 3 miles from our GG’s house. I had broken my glasses and have REALLY bad vision. This truck drove past us and stopped about a hundred feet away. The man got out and was standing beside the truck. I just kept waking. K screamed “Oh my god, HF, he’s flashing us!” I squinted as hard as I could and said, “Are you sure?”

This man was naked from the waist down and I could not tell. We fell on the ground laughing and he got in his truck and drove off. We ran back to GG’s house and told her what happened, and she called our parents who made us call the police. So this cop comes over and takes our report and then tells me that technically no crime was committed against me because I didn’t see anything. To this day that pisses me off, for that to have been dismissed so flippantly.

When I was a college freshman and still only 17 I did something that makes me sick to think about. I went to the state fair with a friend and started flirting with this carny guy. You know the ones that run the games? I went off with this guy. To the sleeper compartment of a truck. And I had never seen an adult penis before. No lie. And I had never heard of fetishes. This guy… just wanted my feet. At some point I managed to pull myself together and got the hell out of there. But holy hell!!! How was I not murdered and left in a ditch or something? It absolutely horrifies me.

Things that should have passed me off:

Working in Labor and Delivery was my first nursing job. One evening I was at the desk and one of the doctors was sitting and flipping through a magazine. He held it up to a lingerie ad and said he bet that would look good on me.

3 or 4 years later I was working L&D at another hospital in the same city. I’d gotten married, had a baby, and divorced during that time and was still carrying a little bit of baby weight. I encountered one of the doctors I’d worked with at the first hospital one evening and he asked me how far along I was. ( and can we just say that’s a life lesson some people really need to learn). I said I had a baby and hadn’t lost all the weight yet. This man, this licensed, board certified OB/Gyn medical doctor said to me, “HF, you’re too cute to be this fat. You need to lose that weight and be a little show pony again.”

Dafuq?????? Why didn’t I just slap his face?

And the one that still haunts me:

I think I’ve told this story here before. We had a yard sale at my church. It was late and there was an older couple just browsing around and we were ready to shut down. One of the ladies said, “We’re getting ready to close so I’ll make you a deal. Grab whatever you want, we’ll take $XX and call it a day. The man was standing by me and he turned to me, drew his hand up my hip, up my waist, cupped my breast and then grabbed my arm. I was in shock. Could not move. Could not speak. He laughed and said, “She said to grab what I wanted.” They got their yard sale shit, paid and left and I still couldn’t move. By the time someone asked if I was okay and I told them what happened, the people were gone.

I don’t take that shit anymore. I used to cringe silently whenever anyone would grab my shoulders from behind or put their hand or arm around me. Now I ask them to please not touch me and respect my space. I don’t understand people that constantly touch other people. If you’re not my parent, offspring, sibling, niece or nephew, I’m good with waving. Or fist bumping.

As adults my brother, my sister and I all got therapy to heal from the trauma of our childhood. We were in a chaotic, unpredictable and unsafe home ruled by my mom’s uncontrolled mental illness. We were sexually abused and terrorized by our uncle. And we never ever discussed it until we were grown. We all reacted differently but dysfunctionally. My sister became hyper-responsible. She followed all the rules. She was a very, very good girl and went to bible college. My brother drank and smoked weed through high school. Me… I aced everything in school so the teachers all loved me. But behind that I pushed every limit. I never met a rule I didn’t want to break, and my absolute favorite thing was getting out of trouble. Taking off with the carny guy, all kinds of risk taking that could have gotten me hurt or killed more times than I can count.

But here’s the good news. As adults and young parents we were determined to change things for our kids. We got counseling. We got it for our kids when they needed it. We got our shit together and you know what? I have 2 beautiful nieces who have never experienced sexual abuse or trauma as children. One is getting married in October to a man who loves her like 1st Corinthians 13. She escaped an abusive relationship 3 years ago that she’d been in since high school. The other is my brother’s baby girl and she is 15. My brother also has a granddaughter who is almost 8 and has never experienced family as anything but loving and loud and happy when we are together. We changed the legacy of our family from abuse and trauma and premature specialization to one of love, forgiveness, and healing.

As y’all well know, I’ve still got some work to do. But thank God Almighty I am not who I used to be.

Loving the input on this thread!

We've come a long way, baby!

A friend of mine had no anesthesia because women had no feeling "down there".

I was repeatedly RAPED by my step- father for many years, starting when I was 9 years old. My sister was 7. My step-sister was concerned (a biological daughter) because the man didn't do the same to her.

Not a good topic for me. EVER!

Ever read about a 4 year old violated with a fence post by her grandfather or repeatedly raped by her grandfather's friends on a pool table?

Or about a baby 2 years old thrown to people being illegally transpoted to another country for whatever reason?

Is there any reason why the victims are having mental issues?

[This message edited by leafields at 3:40 AM, Tuesday, August 23rd]

Wow people sure do survive some horrific incidences.

Some people just plain stink!!!!’

Now for a GOOD learned life lesson.

As I've posted before, I represent some death row inmates on federal appeals. I do my best because everyone deserves legal representation. It's often not pleasant and some are NOT pleasant and difficult to work with.

But there was a client that I KNEW, without a doubt, was innocent. He was almost executed twice but we didn't give up. I somehow managed to get the top criminal defense attorney in my state to help me (he only charged one dollar for his work !!) and sure enough, the real murderer was found, already serving time for another murder.

So .... recently I had the HONOR of presenting an award to the $1 fee attorney at a banquet, for his work. We had the former innocent death row inmate there along with his wife. It was a wonderful night. The real honor was honoring this wonderful attorney who has now come down with full-blown dementia and I held his hand during the presentation and I had the mic in my hand for him as sometimes with his dementia, he will go off on other subjects other than the one at hand. He did fine and said a very humble 'thank you.' So we got through it

Life Lesson Learned: If you believe in something strong enough, keep fighting!

I was molested by a family member. He died when I was nine. Lesson I learned was even when you've been told to tell when someone hurts you, those who are supposed to protect you don't. I told on him. I was then an outcast, called a liar. Years later I learned i wasn't the only one he hurt.

So when I was date raped I didn't tell anyone. I went to my doctor and just said I had sex, hoping for the morning after pill. It took so long to work up the nerve and get an appointment that it was actually to late and yet to early for a pregnancy test. Then I had severe cramping, bleeding, clots. Doc said he suspected I miscarried.

When I overdosed I remember the doctor telling my parents that I'm just trying to get attention and to ignore me. Ya thanks A$$hole. Spent the following 5 years drunk.
Lesson I learned, if you're going to kill yourself use a handgun! (I tried with my dad's shot gun but my arms were to short).

Other lessons I've learned.

When feeding any sort of large reptile, longer tongs are better than shorter ones.

Tarantulas are cool pets even if they try to grab said tongs from my hand.

Some horses are total jerks!

Goats cannot be contained.

Wear your bathing suit when fishing. Makes going to retrieve a lost lure much easier.

Home made oreo mcflurries are so much better than McDonald's!

Dragon, bless you! That's a lot of hard lessons to have to learn.

Coming out to my family 10 years ago as a crossdresser and I was going fulltime.My mom and 3 younger sisters accepted it and see me much happier.Have been supportive ever since knowing this was a new chapter in my life,see me as a daughter and a great big sister.