Booney, hugs to you, it is a lonely and often sad path you walk. I think there is inherent sorrow in staying with someone you love with all you are who did not reciprocate, and worse, faked the relationship you thought you had. It has taken my WH almost 5 years to understand how deeply he has hurt me and our marriage with his reckless and selfish choices.
My discovery strung out for years as well, each new clue and revelation made my pain and grief and rage worse. I'm still struggling a year after the last disclosure, courtesy of the MOW, because the details and facts of his secret life are locked away in his shame and denial, and I've had to unravel the truth on my own.
Like me, you probably love this person with all that you are, and that is the weight of the grief and sorrow. For me, I have not managed it well, but I have managed, by journaling, venting here, venting at my WH, talking to my friends, and sadly, crying it out. I had no idea I had this many tears in me, or could sustain sorrow for so many years, but here I am. What has helped me maybe the most is understanding that the source of the pain is me, how deeply I love, and how invested I was in the love story of us. I grieve for the happy naïve woman I was before I found out. But, like you, there were undercurrents, he was cold to me for many years while he started up his crazy secret life, he left me begging for intimacy and sex, and he claimed he had low T and we were just getting old and led me to believe this was the normal progression of things. I made peace with that too, let go of a huge chunk of my sexuality because of his lies. Had I known I was lonely and going without because someone else took that place in his life from me, I'm not sure what I would have done at the time. Now, I just swing between sad and mad, but also I have made some serious changes to my mindset and my life. I have always been the care giver, the nurturer and now, I am the one with needs that will be met. I no longer set my needs aside and consider him first. I get what I need, I get what I want and I get the life I had planned on, the lifestyle, the home, the retirement, the hobbies, travels and fun, I just don't get the marriage I wanted, because that dream has died. I tell myself almost every day, you can't have it all. It works in so many applications.
For example, I pushed us to move from our home of 2+ decades, downsize the house but upgrade the property, and move to a warmer, more recreation friendly location. It's almost perfect in every way, except warmer comes with some seriously HOT days, and the bigger lot in a warmer state came with a lot of spiders, scorpions, armadillos and venomous snakes. I tell myself all the time, you can't have it all, and it was silly to think I could. I am too busy in this new life to be sad all the time like I was before we moved. When it builds up or a reminder catches me off guard, I let the tears come and I never hide them from him. I make him witness my grief, I expect him to comfort me and be ready with the kleenex or a shirt or shoulder to cry on. He owes me that much.
Like you, we are incredible friends, a strong, happy couple, except for the sneaking, lying and sex with other people. I never ever considered another man in our 35 years together, and would have bet the farm he felt the same way, because he is such an excellent compartmentalizer and liar. It's a lot to absorb, let alone accept, and I would say I am not at acceptance yet, and don't even ponder forgiveness. I too took off my wedding rings, but he insists on wearing his, even though I know he spent several nights with her during our false reconciliation, after I resized both our rings and did a little recommit speech and made him promise never to break my heart again. The sight of that ring on his hand knowing it touched her makes me upset, but honestly the ring is the least of my worries these days. Like you, we have discussed that the deal is off, the marriage is broken and we are both here only because we choose to be. He told me once he stayed in the Affair because it was easier to get in than to get out of. I told him that he can expect the same from me moving forward. It's not optimal, but it is true for me.
I think in time, you will shift more from sorrow over what was broken and lost to spending more time thinking about the life you want to live and your needs and expectations moving forward and ensuring that you get what you want. It is as close to justice as any of us who stay with our betrayers can hope to get. In the last 5 years since DD1, I have cried, stressed and lost weight like crazy, I have overspent on anything and everything I wanted, I have been selfish at times, and I have insisted we do every and anything I want to do, and go anywhere I want to go. Looking back through my photo archives in the past 5 years, I see a great life lived, so many adventures shared, so many fulfilling experiences together and with our grown children. I have seen him soften and open up as a father and that means more to me that all the other things combined. There are also reminders of my sorrow, because for some strange reason, I started taking selfies after I found out about the betrayal, both happy pics and sad ones. They are part of the fabric of this new and confusing life I am living. For now, the good outweigh the bad.
That we have been reconciling during Covid has made things interesting, but maybe better, because his travel dropped from 100 days a year to zero, so I could stop worrying about who and what he was doing. His first trip in years is next month, to the same locale both the MOW and I have travelled with him, so I'm a little triggered by that. My solution was to plan a beach family vacation for our grown kids and their mates to one of our favorite places, so I have something lovely to look forward to. He offered to take me with him, but I really don't want to go for many reasons, especially our failing 14 1/2 year old dog that requires a lot of care right now. I call him my last child, and his loss will rock both our worlds when it comes. Condolences to you on the loss of your pup.
So, my short answer to this long post is that I get through this by crying it out when I have to, focusing on myself more than I ever have in my marriage, and planning fun things for us to do together. We have always been big camping, hiking, boating types, and this year we added gardening to the list, and not a small operation. We do make a great work team, and that helps give me something to hang on to when I feel like we make a terrible marriage team. All I can say with certainty is that the pain does lessen in time, and it will take so much more time than you think it should. I remind myself often that I could leave and take away the acute pain of loving and staying with someone who hurt me so deeply, but I know I would still carry that pain with our without him. At least in this version of my life, he is helping me carry that load.
Best to you as you work through this. Write it out, shout it out, share it out, and eventually you will notice yourself healing and the pain lessening ever so slightly. ((Hugs))
[This message edited by whatisloveanyway at 2:46 PM, Sunday, August 21st]