Do you feel safer dating a FBS?
One thing I've found in dating non-FBSs is that they don't necessarily see cheating as any big thing. And those that do, see it as a morality issue without an understanding of how devastating it is to both people in the relationship when one betrays their partner with infidelity. They don't get how it changes the FBS in a permanent and significant manner. They don't see how it can also drive a FWS into a dark place where they either do significant work to identify their issues and go through some pretty significant changes or skip over it all and go into a pattern of deep long-term denial.
I've seen that FBSs come in 2 varieties.
Those that were hurt, to be sure, but ended it swiftly, explained it away as one bad person they were unlucky to have fallen in love with, and rebuilt their circumstances and moved on. I worry about those now, because my experience has been that they still have significant trust issues that have ended up landing on me. Combined with my own trust issues that I still struggle with, it seems to doom things as soon as real feelings begin to develop.
The second variety is those that have been though betrayal, and did work on themselves to get through it as in-tact as possible. These are the ones that seem to "get it" to me, and I find that these are the ones I feel I can eventually trust and build something real with. It seems we're both aware of the unwillingness for either to just trust blindly, and both work to build trust in the relationship.
Am I just making this all up in my head, or are these universal truths?
I ask because I've found a similar thing in recovery where it's easier to date a former alcoholic/addict because, as we say in AA, "we're both the same brand of crazy." Of course, I dont think that survivors of infidelity have an identified mental health issue (although we have every right to! 😄), but does my recovery experience skew my thinking about succeeding in a new relationship and infidelity history?
Me: BW, 56, two awesome grown sons. Remarried in 2010. That lasted 11 years.WXH: Not even a blip on my radar anymore. I'm glad he's messing up the OW's life now and leaving me alone. D (with cause) in 2004.