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Just Found Out :
Boyfriend obsessed with escorts

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 Ineedhelp991 (original poster new member #80467) posted at 5:36 PM on Monday, August 1st, 2022

Hi all, So I met my current boyfriend of 3 years. not long after I had split up with my narcissistic ex of 13 years.

It was probably the first time I have been truly happy in years probably since I was a teenager im now 31.

Anyway about a year in I discover that he had been cheating on me with escorts. I knew he had seen some before he met me. I discovered this by doing a simple Google search as he used the same username name he had used for a pof account. Anyway I found an account on an escort site which the escorts and clients leave reviews for each other and had seen that he cheated on me within the first 3 months of the relationship. He denied this at first and admitted it eventually. Probably about a month later i noticed he didnt delete his account and just changed the username and saw that he had webcamed an escort. Confronted him again and he told me he just has an addiction to porn. A few months after that he suggested we tried swinging. I told him I wasn't interested in doing that, so he dropped it. I found out he had done it again but claimed this was just a massage and nothing else happened I found out it was a massage with a happy ending confronted him and he admitted. Suggested to him that I thought he might have a problem but he shrugged this off and said he found it hard to break the routine. I've broke up with him several times over this as it's absolutely devastating and he knew I was devastated and said he won't do it again. He even suggested that I became an escourt.
Anyway a couple if months ago we went on holiday and he was showing me something on his phone when an escort sent him a message saying im not free until Saturday or whatever he claimed that he had message her ages ago. So after the holiday I broke up with him. Be said he was going to get help. Eventually got back together with him. I moaned at him for not even looking to get help after being back from holiday for 2 weeks then he decided to look things up and took a test online which suggested he had an addiction to sex but still didn't contact anyone. We recently went to a music festival together he left his phone unattended so I snooped and saw loads of naked photos of escorts that he has seen , some new and some a few years old. But he also has a a couple of just normal face pictures. I confronted him about it and asked why he keeps them if he felt that guilty about cheating on me why would he want reminding of that time. He replied I guess there trophies" I asked him why he had face photos of a certain one as I thought it might have been his ex girlfriend as they had the same name. I was like is that your ex he said " phw I'd never be able to pull someone like that she's good looking". I'm so angry and hurt I just can't cope he wants me to support him but does nothing to help himself. And to top it all off he told me a few days ago that when he masterbates he wears escorts bra and knickers which he had bought of them. He said he was a teenager when he felt like he should have been a women because of all the attention they get. He says he loves me and doesn't want to lose me. I just think he's been taking me for a mug this whole time.

We live 45 minutes away from him I see him twice a week it was once until I moaned, he never makes the effort to come down my way but can travel all over for these escorts. He puts me through hell and then has the audacity to ask me for help. Anyone going through anything similar to give me some advice?

posts: 1   ·   registered: Aug. 1st, 2022   ·   location: Norfolk
id 8747902
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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 6:01 PM on Monday, August 1st, 2022

You are young but old enough to know a bad deal when you see one. He is a bad deal. His addiction is what owns him. It is time for you to say goodby because there is not just one red flag, there are several.

When things go wrong, don’t go with them. Elvis

posts: 3387   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8747910
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survrus ( member #67698) posted at 6:04 PM on Monday, August 1st, 2022

Wow so much to absorb, but he has to come completely clean if there is any hope for this relationship.

He need to disclose his sexual past num. of partners, activities, women/men/trans/etc?

Have him write out a timeline and take him for a polygraph.

If you have kids it's likely best just to dump him, as you can't afford to catch some fatal STD and leave your kids without a Mother.

From what I've seen people who are addicted to sex workers will often go back even after getting caught. When he is in his 60s or 70s the sex workers will still be available to him.

posts: 1182   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2018   ·   location: USA
id 8747911
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 6:16 PM on Monday, August 1st, 2022

RUN!!!!!
Seriously. This is not a good partner, he is using you when he wants. I guarantee there is more to this than you know.

Get STD tested, stop having sex with him, and start focusing on yourself. You need to get you healthy so that you start picking better partners.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 22 & 25
Married for 30 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

posts: 19420   ·   registered: Oct. 1st, 2008   ·   location: St. Louis
id 8747913
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BigMammaJamma ( member #65954) posted at 6:32 PM on Monday, August 1st, 2022

Welcome, Ineedhelp. I am sorry you have a reason to join us, but I am so glad you found us.

Gently, why would he stop? You always come back, so he can just do whatever he wants and then wait for you to get over it.

Why do you accept so little for yourself? You matter too.

Me- born in 1984
Him- born in 1979
We both have 3 kids from previous marriages and we share a four year old. I might be a BS, but at this point, I don't know if I'll ever know.

Update: As of 5/8/2020, my WH confirmed I belong in this club

posts: 222   ·   registered: Aug. 23rd, 2018   ·   location: Deep in the Heart of Texas
id 8747915
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 6:45 PM on Monday, August 1st, 2022

He suggested you become an escort?

Oh hell no. Get out of this relationship.

Now. Permanently. Lose his number. Block him. Delete him. Ghost him.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12308   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8747916
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asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 7:58 PM on Monday, August 1st, 2022

He proposes swinging and that you become an escort. He has no interest in monogamy. You’re young, but you could easily lose a lot of years waiting for him to change. Leave him to his lifestyle and find someone who wants the same things you do.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 453   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8747922
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GiveTimeTime ( member #45868) posted at 8:23 PM on Monday, August 1st, 2022

Run.

You are very lucky you found this all out before you married him and wasted 20 years of your life with somebody who not only cheats and lies, but also Disrespects women to the point where he’s fine having sex with a woman who doesn’t even want to have sex with him, but for whatever reason needs the money.

Oh yeah, and also gambles with your physical health.

He’s an asshole with a capital asshole. Kick him to the curb.

Me: 50 Him: 59Married 14 years, together 19.D-day: 3/6/14Me; loving, devoted, faithful wifeHim: lying, cheating, wh0re fu€king john6/4/15 - Divorced. Done. I wasn't kidding, asshole.

posts: 466   ·   registered: Dec. 6th, 2014   ·   location: Las Vegas
id 8747925
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 8:49 PM on Monday, August 1st, 2022

I'm with Tushnurse on this... get STD testing. Get ALL the tests and then get them again as recommended, and RUN. Like Tushnurse, I don't say that every day and I don't say it lightly. I do think that people are capable of change, but this guy has literally NOTHING to recommend him. He was cheating within three months of getting together with you and hasn't stopped. Clearly, keeping his penis entertained is his number one priority. You can do better than that. Frankly, you owe it to yourself to do better than that.

It kind of sounds like you've not actually gone out with a good man before, and maybe at this point you just expect that they're all selfish jerks who only treat you well when it suits them, but I assure you, there ARE better men than this, and you would be cheating yourself of the experience of being with one by staying with the Mr. Wrong you've been seeing. Dump him. Dump him fast and dump him hard would be my advice to you. You've been way too understanding while he tried to normalize selfish and perverse behavior.

Also, it will help you firm up your boundaries if you're more forthright in your language. Those women are not "escorts". They're not walking pensioners across the street, yeah? They're prostitutes. They fuck strangers for money and most of them are none too particular about it, hence the critical need for you to take STD testing seriously.

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

No one can make you into a liar but you.

posts: 5749   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8747927
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 9:36 PM on Monday, August 1st, 2022

Escort is just a nice way of saying prostitute. He suggested you become a prostitute.

This man is toxic. And he doesn't care for you at all. If he did,he would never want you to become a prostitute. It's dangerous,on many levels. He knows that. He doesn't care for you.

RUN.

posts: 4495   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8747930
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rugswept ( member #48084) posted at 9:54 PM on Monday, August 1st, 2022

We can see you feel invested in this man. It's a bad investment.
He's very far gone and will not likely change for the foreseeable future.

Please try to detach yourself from this man. We're concerned for the victim here.
Staying with this man is going to lead to much more pain and heartbreak.

We wish you well.

R'd (rug swept everything) decades ago.
I'm big on R. Very happy marriage but can never forget.

posts: 1008   ·   registered: Jun. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: Northeast US
id 8747933
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PSTI ( member #53103) posted at 10:09 PM on Monday, August 1st, 2022

You're not married to this guy, and it doesn't sound like there are kids or shared property involved?

Why put yourself through this? Run, run like the wind LOL! You can find lots of partners who won't come with all this work and baggage that doesn't belong to you and has nothing to do with you.

Me: BW, my xH left me & DS after a 14 year marriage for the AP in 2014.

Happily remarried and in an open/polyamorous relationship. DH (married 4 years) & DBF (dating 3 years). Cohabitating happily all together!! <3

posts: 835   ·   registered: May. 6th, 2016
id 8747938
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brkn_heartd ( member #30396) posted at 2:10 AM on Tuesday, August 2nd, 2022

Ineedhelp,
I am so very sorry you are here. I know he has hurt you in many ways. He has no interest in changing, he has his addiction and you are still here, despite knowing how addicted he is. He has nothing to lose in his eyes, because you haven't given up and he still does what he wants to do.

There comes a point, you have to draw the line in the sand and obviously you are getting ready because you posted here. As stated before, first, you have to take care of you. That does mean you need to be tested for sexually transmitted infections. He is very high risk and he is exposing you. At that point, you need to stop all sexual contact. Ultimately, you have to decide what is right for you...but I will agree with the others...walk away. He has no desire to stop anything, he does not care about your emotions, reactions, pain etc. Is the 3 years you have been with him worth this pain? Is the 13 years of being with a narcissistic ex impacting you now. Have you healed from that? If you are struggling to walk away, get individual counseling (IC) to help you heal and make the best decision for you. We are here for you.

Me-57 BS
Him 65-WS
Married 38 yrs, together 40
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

posts: 2116   ·   registered: Dec. 14th, 2010   ·   location: Northwesten US
id 8747974
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mommabear1010 ( member #79915) posted at 3:40 PM on Tuesday, August 2nd, 2022

This is not something to salvage and the best thing you can do for yourself is to cut ties and get far away.

I can tell you he will not change. Let me repeat, HE WILL NOT CHANGE. Please don't waste any more of your life on this man.

My first exH was also into escorts. We divorced. And guess what? His girlfriend after me reached out to me on Facebook asking if we divorced because of escorts...cause she caught him still doing it! THEY DO NOT CHANGE.

I know what you're going through is traumatic. But please get a therapist and get away from this man. He's not worth it.

Dday- 1/19/22
Trickle truth
Dday2- 2/8/22
Dday3- 3/10/22
Divorcing

posts: 75   ·   registered: Feb. 9th, 2022
id 8748042
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:35 PM on Monday, August 8th, 2022

How are you INeedHelp? Anything we can do to help you?

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12308   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8748672
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